Warriors Uncut
by Creativetomboy
Summary: Following the Hyrule Warriors through their lives through one-shots. They've had extraordinary moments, and not so extraordinary moments. Rated T just in case something crazy happens, and for advanced vocabulary. These warriors are pretty intelligent (correction; somewhat intelligent) you know. This is the original collection of stories and continues with Vol. 2. Yay!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes- I'm trying something different just for my amusement. I thought, "why not share all this entertainment"? I really enjoy playing Hyrule Warriors, personally. If you haven't played Hyrule Warriors, you might be slightly confused as to what's going on. SPOILER WARNING. Don't say I didn't warn you. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it.

Warriors Uncut

Chapter 1- Sandwich

It seemed as if the battle would never end. Lana had to call all of the warriors into battle against Cia this time. Literally, the battle had been going on for hours. Darunia refused to call for a break and collapsed of hunger. On top of that, Proxi started talking to Link about this restaurant she went to one time. First, Link wondered how a fairy could go to a restaurant and have a meal, but then he remembered that he hadn't had lunch and started imagining the food Proxi was describing.

Agitha uses one last butterfly attack to clear the enemies in a keep, claiming the keep. There is a low growl, and she looks at her basket. Desperately, she searches for the candy bar she had packed just in case she got hungry. "Oh, where did I put that candy bar?"

Sheik backflips into the keep and stops at Agitha's side. "What are you searching for?"

"I'm kind of hungry after taking this keep, so I'm looking for a candy bar I stashed in here. I can't find it, though." Agitha starts picking up jars in the basket to see if the candy bar had slid under one.

Sheik shakes her head. "Was it a crunch bar?"

Agitha's eyes widen. That's exactly what it was.

"I think Ghirahim got it. He just fled the battlefield."

Agitha's face turns tomato red with anger. She stomps her feet and yells, "Curse that demon lord!"

Lana's forces start to head back to the allied base. They all feel their stomachs growling in exhaustion and emptiness.

Lana watches Link walk up to her and asks, "Are you hungry too, Link?" Link nods. Lana looks at the ground and sighs. She says, "We can't just stop in the middle of our battle. There has to be food somewhere that we can snack on real quick."

Ruto silently counts the team. They seem to missing one. "Guys, has anyone seen Midna?"

…

Sitting happily in an allied keep, Midna munches on a ham and cheese sandwich. She stole it from Zant earlier that day when she defeated him (yet again), and figured that since it hadn't been bitten off of that it was safe to eat.

Impa and Link find Midna. Impa yells, "Midna!"

Midna, startled, swallows the bite she was chewing wrong and starts choking. She holds her throat and dramatically falls off her wolf onto her back.

"Look! She's choking! Link, do something!" Proxi screams. She floats to Impa's shoulder when Link runs to Midna's aid. Proxi struggles not to laugh at the sight of Link giving Midna the Heimlich. Finally, the bite of sandwich exits Midna's windpipe, and Midna is able to swallow it properly.

Link steps back, sweating because of the sudden panic attack. Midna's twilight wolf reappears, and Midna gently sits on it, breathing heavily. When she regains her thoughts, she scowls at Impa and asks, "What are you trying to do, kill me?!"

Impa is aghast. "Is that a sandwich?!"

Midna's angry expression suddenly turns to shocked. She looks at the sandwich and hides it behind her back. The rest of the allied team comes up behind Impa and Link. Midna says, "No. I don't have a sandwich."

"She has a sandwich! Get her!" Proxi yells.

…

"Hmm… Do you think we should send in our next unit, Wizzro?" Cia asks. It is a little too quiet on the battlefield for her taste.

The twisted wizard simply shrugs. "That's your call, Cia."

Cia chuckles to herself. "Good boy."

Suddenly, they hear Midna yell, "My sandwich!" She runs by the keep on her wolf, holding onto her sandwich with one hand and her wolf with the other. All of the major commanders of Lana's forces run by, chasing the Twilight Princess for her sandwich.

Cia and Wizzro stare in utter confusion. Finally, Wizzro asks, "Should we be concerned about that?"

Cia taps her thumb on her scepter, thinking about food now. "Wizzro, where is Volga?"

"The closest keep to the south, that is, if he isn't slacking off again." Wait, why would Cia ask where Volga is?

Cia smirks. "Tell Volga to go get me that sandwich."

Wizzro flinches, taken aback by Cia's request. Was she seriously going after a sandwich?

Cia looks at Wizzro over her shoulder. He hasn't moved yet, so she glares at him. "Sometime today."

"UM… ok." Wizzro quickly teleports to Volga's location and gives him the orders.

"What?! What does she think I am; a grocer?" Volga, who was already hungry, is now insulted that Cia ordered him to get her a sandwich. Before Wizzro can answer, Volga reluctantly leaves to retrieve the stupid sandwich. Wizzro teleports back to Cia's side.

Midna daringly jumps over the dragon knight and continues to run from the angry mod chasing her. Are they seriously chasing her for a sandwich? What has this war done to these people? In desperate measure, Midna flies to the top of a keep wall and sits down. Her angry allied commanders stop under her. Midna looks down at them and says, "It's just a sandwich."

Just then, the wall starts to violently shake. Instinctively, Midna grabs onto the wall with her free hand. On the other side of the wall from the allied forces, Darunia bashes the wall with his bigger-than-life-sized hammer. Fi flies up to Midna.

Midna squeals, "Wha-?! You're just a spirit! Why are you attacking me?!" Fi simply shrugs in response. Midna grabs Fi using her versatile hair and tosses the spirit into the allied forces, successfully knocking Ruto to the ground.

Wizzro mumbles to himself in irritation. Cia just sent him to get the sandwich. Him! She's got nerve sending him on such a ridiculous mission. When he makes it to the scene, he sees why it is such a difficult job. Poor Midna looks like she's about to fall into a pit of lions.

Volga uses his spear as a pole vault and vaults himself into Midna. Midna is launched into an unsuspecting Wizzro, and the sandwich flies even farther. Unfortunately for Volga, his pants catch on a hook on the wall. He helplessly hangs from the wall. All Proxi can say is "oh my."

Cia taps her foot, waiting for both Wizzro and Volga to return. One will have a sandwich, and the other will beg for mercy. It would actually be rather amusing seeing Wizzro admit that he couldn't get a sandwich.

Speaking of sandwiches, the sandwich flies over the keep wall. Lightning quick, Cia reacts to the incoming food by zapping it with magic, blasting it into smithereens. The allied forces, Volga, and Wizzro hurry over to the keep. Cia stares at the sandwich bits all over the place with wide eyes. "… Whoops." At the entrance to the keep, all forces stop. They stare in awe. Midna pushes her way to the front, and her worried expression turns into devastation.

Dramatically, Midna gets on her knees, picks up stray lettuce pieces, and yells, "NO!"

…

Lana walks over to Cia. "So, we call this one a draw then?"

Cia nods, not knowing what else to do.

Volga asks, "Anybody up for barbeque?"

Author's Notes- Tell me what you think via PM or review. And if you have any suggestions for stuff these warriors can do, I'd love to hear them. There is no limitations for these warriors. Besides maybe growing extra limbs and getting married, and interesting as it would be to see Link grow an extra limb. Otherwise, the possibilities are limitless.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2- Your Instincts Prove Your Insanity

To Wizzro, it remains a mystery to this minute how Cia managed to convince Midna to join her side for this battle. There are three forces in this battle. Cia's forces include Wizzro and Midna. Zelda's forces include Link and Lana. Ganondorf's forces include Zant, Ghirahim, and Volga. Before the battle started, Volga left Cia's forces at the last minute in favor of Ganondorf's forces. With great haste, Cia managed to open the time gate to the Era of Twilight, summon Midna, and persuade Midna to join forces with her. Wizzro's respect for Cia grew just a tad after witnessing all of that.

Right now, however, the battle has already started, and is heating up quickly. In the keep mirroring Wizzro's current location, Midna has just engaged battle with Lana. Ghirahim is coming up quickly on them.

"Wizzro, go to the Southwest Keep and take it while Zant is distracted," Cia commands. Well, so much for just sitting back and relaxing. Although he would prefer to just sit back and watch for a while, Wizzro reluctantly abandons his own wishes and does as commanded.

The Southwest Keep only has a few enemy forces within its walls. This is pushover for Wizzro. He takes the keep in about a minute. His record is 45 seconds. If his pride was represented by a flesh wound, then the wound would be infected and swollen to the point where touching it would seemingly cause it to burst. Yep, this is the kind of imagery Wizzro's analogies have to offer. Isn't it just charming?

Once again, Cia's commands fill the air. "The base is under siege. Come defend it you worthless imbeciles!" That was rude and unnecessary on Cia's part.

Wizzro's ears catch Midna's response. She responds by saying, "What do I look like, a maid? Just hold on until I've got this load off my back. Gees." With all fairness, Midna is fighting Ghirahim and Lana in an enemy base. Unlike Volga, Wizzro realizes that Midna is not your average imp.

When Lana is distracted by Ghirahim, Midna takes off, headed for her allied base. The base sits at the very edge of the battlefield, so Midna has a few enemies to plow through just for fun on her way there.

Midna and Wizzro rendezvous at the keep just south of their allied base. "I thought you said you were busy, missy," Wizzro taunts.

"Yeah, I was. I was busy fighting everybody on the battlefield while you were resting on your non-existent backside."

Midna is so charming when she's angry. You know what, Cia can hold off Ganondorf and Link in the allied base while Wizzro has a little fun with Midna.

Wait, what?! Cia is fighting both Ganondorf and Link in the allied base?! Both Midna and Wizzro seem to realize this at the same time, because both of their gazes turn towards the allied base right then. Midna's gaze returns to Wizzro. "Hey, if you decide to get off your non-existent backside anytime soon, do you think you could hold off anybody else that comes to attack us? Cia and I would greatly appreciate it."

"As you wish," Wizzro replies mockingly, "your majesty."

Midna refrains from flicking that one pink eye with her hair so hard it launches out the back of that wizard's head.

Wizzro is too busy staring at Midna to notice Zant running up from behind her. Once he does notice Zant, it is too late. Zant grows to tremendous size and crushes Midna under his foot. The Twilight Princess is crushed onto the ground and knocked out cold. Zant shrinks back to his original size before moving off of Midna.

In response, Wizzro descends with utter disbelief. Instinctively, he pushes his black, skeletal arms under Midna as if going to lift her off the ground. In an unusual display of emotions, Wizzro yells, "NO! She was my only companion!"

Zant cannot decide amongst himself how to respond to this. He is the only witness of this strange behavior from the twisted wizard, and wonders if he is just hallucinating this. No seriously, was this some sort of disturbing nightmare?

In addition to his scene, Wizzro rests Midna back on the ground and uses his magic to attack Zant.

Despite Wizzro defeating Zant, the battle is lost when Cia falls to Ganondorf, with Link's help of course. Overall, Zelda's forces win the battle, to Ganondorf's dismay. As it turns out, Zant wasn't the only one to witness Wizzro's outburst; Lana witnessed it from behind as she was heading to Link's aid. To Wizzro's embarrassment, Midna wakes up, proving herself to be, in fact, not dead.

As for the battles of the future, whenever Wizzro enters the same keep as Midna, he has a faint flashback of his instinctive reaction to Midna's supposed defeat. In all honesty, he doesn't know whether to be proud or embarrassed by it… oh well.

Author's Notes- A little strange you say? I agree. Wizzro is a little creepy to look at, but somewhere down in that abyssal cloak is a normal head with a normal personality. Or,... maybe not. Tell me what you thought of this, and I love suggestions. Link and I love suggestions. Ganondorf, too.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Do-It-Yourself Guy

Princess Ruto drives off a bunch of those pesky Bokoblins shortly after the end of a small brawl. The Demon Lord appears only a few feet behind. He means business, considering he is standing in a pose; the pose where his head hangs down with his hand close to his face in a dramatic sort of fashion. Ruto brushes the dust off her arm with a confident victory smile.

"I must say, your performance was impressive. Not as impressive as mine, but much more impressive than my dimwitted comrade, Zant," Ghirahim smugly and confidently states.

Ruto rolls her eyes. Ugh, this guy again. Can't this guy take a hint? She turns to face him. "Is that how you compliment women; by reminding them that you're better than them?"

"Hey, I did say you were impressive, didn't I?" Ah, the joy of annoying women.

The ground starts to rumble. Before anybody can react to the rumbling, Darunia rolls right into Ghirahim, bowling over the unsuspecting demon. The attack was done in such a heroic fashion.

Ruto smiles, saying, "Thanks, you spared me a long and dreadful conversation with that pale moron."

"Wait, you were just having a conversation? I thought he was going to battle you," Darunia says, rubbing the back of his head, slightly embarrassed. He makes a lot of rash decisions.

Ruto laughs. "Well hey, now that we've taken care of that ugly infestation, how's about carrying me to Hyrule Castle. What are my chances of getting a ride? They better be pretty high."

Darunia slings his hammer over his shoulder and responds, "You aren't going to give me a choice." He holds out his arm. The spoiled Zora princess hops onto his arm, and he carries her away.

Ghirahim, who is just barely thicker than a pancake now, lies motionless on the ground. Fi levitates into the keep to retrieve her temporary battle comrade. She almost doesn't see Ghirahim. The only reason she notices him is because he groans in unbearable pain. Fi's gaze shifts down. For a moment, she believes she is experiencing the feeling called amusement.

Ghirahim slowly regains his shape. As he does, he wishes Darunia didn't closely resemble a talking boulder. He also wonders why Ruto seems to enjoy the presence of the talking boulder. What does the talking boulder have that he doesn't? Certainly not charm. Because weighing as much as a mountain is totally attractive. (If Ghirahim were to relay this sarcasm to Zant, Zant probably wouldn't instantly recognize the sarcasm unless he was paying close attention.) Ghirahim will never understand Ruto.

…

Link runs across the battlefield as fast as he can, slashing through all the remaining enemies in his path. The reason for the excessive speed is because Zelda was just injured, and Link wants to be the one to help the princess.

Zelda sits on the ground, holding her ankle. She must have sprained it or something. Normally, she'd walk off the pain, but she literally cannot stand on her right foot.

When Link gets to the keep, Darunia is already helping Zelda up. When she stumbles back down, Darunia gently places her on his shoulder. Zelda smiles, impressed. Link only stares, irritated to the core. He knows he could have heroically helped Zelda, too.

…

It is a peaceful day at Lake Hylia. The women enjoy a picnic to celebrate all their recent wins. Ruto defeated Ghirahim's forces. Zelda defeated Volga's forces. Midna and Agitha defeated Zant's forces. These women were showing the men who's boss. Zelda is the one hosting the picnic, and all the girls she invited came; Ruto, Midna, Impa, Agitha, Lana, and Fi are all there.

"OOO! I brought treats!" exclaims Lana after finishing her lunch.

Fi watches as Lana passes out sweet treats. Midna secret snags a few extras, but Fi decides to leave that unnoticed. Then, she picks up another presence. "Princess Zelda, there is a 100% chance we have a visitor."

"Really? Who?" Agitha asks, immediately switch targets for her focus.

"Hello ladies," Darunia greets as he strolls along past.

All the women wave to the goron chieftain. Zelda says, "Good afternoon, Darunia. Would you like to join us?"

Ruto swallows her bite and says, "But this is supposed to be girl's picnic."

"Well, he did help us win our battles. We owe him our thanks."

Midna chuckles. "It's been a while since I've battled alongside Darunia."

Zelda turns to Impa. "What do you think, Impa?" Impa, who sits Indian style meditating in the warm sun, simply shrugs. She really doesn't care, so long as Ganondorf doesn't show up.

Lana holds up a cookie, silently offering it to Darunia. Darunia politely declines the cookie, but does decide to sit down with the girls.

Ruto asks, "So, how was your trip back to Death Mountain?"

"Well," Darunia starts to explain while resting his hammer on the ground. "I had a small feast with my brothers. I checked on the production of the latest wave of Bombchus. I also said hello to my son, whom I sat beside at the feast, and-,"

Darunia is interrupted when Ruto asks, "Wait, you have a son?"

Darunia hesitates, but then responds by saying, "UH… yeah. I named him after the hero of my time. My son, Link."

"OH phew!" says Midna. "I would have been really confused if you said his name was Link and you didn't explain that you named him after the hero of your time." She unveils another cookie and starts munching on it.

Agitha puts her hands together, smiling. "Are you and your son close?" she asks.

Darunia shrugs. He responds, "Whenever we do hang out, we always have a good time. I often teach him how to dance."

"So he's a daddy's boy. I'd bet his mother is jealous," Ruto adds.

There is a moment of awkward silence.

Zelda decides to break the silence by saying, "I'm sure Link's mother and him are just as close as he and Darunia."

"I have a feeling that's not it," Lana whispers to herself.

Darunia says, "You know, I've never stopped to ask what happened to his mother, or even who his mother is. He just kind of appeared one day, and my advisors said he was mine. I just went along with it."

Impa stands. She asks, "So you are raising him on your own?"

"With the help of my advisors."

Lana frowns and states proudly, "You know, he should have a motherly influence."

"It is proven that children with a healthy influence from both a motherly and a fatherly figure mature with more emotional stability, and in adulthood, they are more likely to make more responsible decisions," Fi adds.

Darunia stands up. He shifts his hammer on his shoulder with a sudden uncomfortable feeling. He asks, "What are you all suggesting?"

Zelda smiles. "If I'm not mistaken, I believe we're all suggesting you find your son a mother," she responds.

Darunia is taken aback. The thought had never occurred to him. Would this mean a change to his lifestyle? Link seems to be maturing just fine without a mother. These women don't have the first-hand goron experience. Ha! Real men don't need motherly figures. He turned out just fine in adulthood and as the Goron Chieftain. Now he just needs to remember how he became chieftain. …Oh yeah. Mom.

All the women stand up, if they aren't already standing or floating. With an almost telepathic power, the same thought runs through each and every one of their heads; help Darunia find a wife! Impa only thinks this because she wonders what is running through the head of the rest of her colleagues. Her thoughts take a different direction. She knows for a fact that men will be men, and unless there is one special woman, then they never think about marrying or falling in love for that matter. There is no possible way that Zelda, Lana, Fi, Agitha, Midna, and Ruto will find Darunia a wife a force him to marry. However, for the sake of Zelda, she decides that instead of stopping the princess, she will simply follow and wait for Zelda and co to realize that Darunia is fine just how he is. She already takes pity on the goron chieftain.

…

The girls split up into two groups-

Zelda, Lana, and Agitha decide that the best place to look for a wife suitable for a goron is where almost all gorons reside; Death Mountain. Death Mountain is Darunia's domain to begin with, so finding a wife in his own clan seems extremely logical.

Eventually, with a little persuasion, the group gets in. Impa comes along, acting as Zelda's bodyguard. The city under the mountain is bustling. Most gorons have just returned from battle, and most others are still preparing the military for future battles.

Agitha notices one vital detail; "They all look the exact same!"

Lana agrees, pushing aside the fact that the gorons vary in size. Perhaps this was going to be harder than they thought.

The remaining three girls-Midna, Ruto, and Fi- decide to take a different approach. They realize that all of Hyrule harbors women. The time period is not an issue, either. It doesn't matter what race you are, or how you look; all that matters is if there is a click between you and someone else. Since none of them are in the head of their client, they take him along for the ride.

"So, when you imagine the perfect girl, what does she look like? What's her personality? What does she do for fun?" asks Ruto. She's ready to get down to business.

Darunia stands complete still in front of Ruto, almost dumbfounded looking. He is contemplating the questions given to him. Naturally, he tilts his head and shifts his eyes so he is looking up. Almost thirty seconds go by in silence.

"Hello! Testing. One two three. Testing," Midna attempts to call Darunia back to the world of the living.

Darunia holds a hand out in front of him. "Just give me a minute. I've never thought about this before."

"When you say minute, you really mean an entire week, right?" says Ruto in such a moody mood.

Midna shrugs and says, "Hey, these things take time. Zelda had to save my life before I realized that she was my friend."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, Ruto, do realize that you're asking the guy to describe a person he's never met before, or if he has, just doesn't realize that she's his type."

Fi floats over to Darunia's side. She says, "Describe someone you're close to, and perhaps we can pinpoint certain traits to look for."

Darunia smiles. "Well, all of my brothers are boulder-like in appearance and respect me. They are loyal and most enjoy a good rolling race."

Ruto narrows her eyes. "A woman who resembles a boulder? You have really low standards."

Midna rolls her eyes. She then focuses on Darunia and asks, "Do you know anybody who you consider your brother that is not a goron?"

"Well, there is Link, who has proven his worth."

"Which one; your son, or the hero?"

"The hero. You said not a goron."

Ruto says, "I have a question. Have you met any girls in your lifetime?"

Darunia gets an annoyed expression. "Unless you three aren't women, then yes, I have," at this point, Darunia would rather be gorging himself on rocks, so his tone is rather deadpan.

Wait a minute, what is he doing? Is he really going along with these girls who think he needs a wife and his son needs a mother? He is the Goron Chieftain! He doesn't have to agree and go along with these goons. As a matter of fact, he's got a better idea.

"Hey girls, I've got an idea. Let's head to Death Mountain."

…

Zelda, Impa, Agitha, and Lana stand in the middle of the underground city. To their surprise, the other three ladies join them.

"Has your search brought you here?" Lana asks.

Agitha says, "You guys are out of luck. We can't tell which gorons are which."

"Actually," Midna says. "Darunia suggested we come here. He said he had an idea."

They all start to look around for the chieftain. He is nowhere to be seen.

Just then, a smaller goron strolls over to Zelda. "Princess Zelda, our chieftain would like to see you and your company. Please, come this way."

About five minutes of navigating through the underground city later, Zelda and co are led to the door of the chieftain's room. Zelda hesitates to enter, along with the rest of the company. Impa decides to stay outside the room. The door will be open, anyway.

Darunia and his son, Link, wait for Zelda and co to enter. Eventually, Zelda walks in, followed by the rest of the ladies (except for Impa). "Ah, I see you've made it through my city."

"It was bustling," Ruto adds.

Agitha asks, "Is this part of your idea?"

"Yes, it is. I must tell you ladies something."

The ladies wait with an anxious vibe exerting from each and every one of them.

"Through this experience, I learned something very important," Darunia announces. To build suspense, he pauses there.

The room is filled with expectance and anxiousness.

Then, the big announcement- "I realized that I'm the only parent that Link needs. I'll just be his father AND mother."

Author's Notes- Through observation, I noticed that in Hyrule Warriors, after Cia's defeat, everybody returns to their time. Darunia is carrying Ruto on his arm when they leave. Now, just to note, I've never played Ocarina of Time. Actually, my friend has just lent me his copy of Ocarina of Time for the 3DS. I've just started heading to Death Mountain. With that said, forgive me if there is a mistake somewhere in this chapter. Trust me, I did my research on gorons before writing this chapter. I am looking forward to meeting Darunia in Ocarina of Time.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4- A Battle of Swords

Ever since they clashed swords for the first time at Skyloft, Fi and Ghirahim have had just a terrible vibe. When Fi searches for co-commanders for her battles, the very _very_ last person she goes to is Ghirahim. There has been a few times where Skyloft was in danger, and Fi needed help fast. Since Ghirahim's home is Skyloft (for now; just wait until he finally resurrects Demise,) he reluctantly fights alongside Fi for the safety of Skyloft.

Today, the guitar strings of patience have just snapped. Fi doesn't realize it, but she is infuriated. Ghirahim no longer wishes to annoy his fellow sword spirit, and instead, he wishes he could trap Fi in her sword form and melt her. Perhaps he could use the liquid metal to forge a helmet or something.

The two meet at the heart of Death Mountain with a friend of their choosing, just because neither one of them is positive that they are safe in each other's presence. Ironically enough, Fi chose Midna, and Ghirahim chose Zant. Way to lower the tension, guys, really.

Fi starts the conversation, and it escalates in the blink of an eye. Only thirty seconds in, Zant has to bind Ghirahim's hands behind his back and drag the furious demon out of the room for a moment to calm down. It takes a moment or so, but Ghirahim composes himself and returns. To settle their dispute, Fi and Ghirahim agree to a battle in two days. Darunia agrees for them to use Death Mountain as their battlefield. He makes sure to evacuate his people first, though. The battle is on!

_Two Days Later_

Ghirahim practices his victory pose in the keep he chose to be his side's base.

"Have you had enough? Surely, by the way you're lying on the ground begging for mercy, you must wish to surrender. I almost feel sorry for you, but unfortunately for you, I don't," Ghirahim practices his victory taunt. It is better to be prepared than at a loss for words after he wins, because that would just be embarrassing.

Zant strides into the base, confidence radiating from his toes to the ends of the hairs on his head. "Our forces are in position and ready to battle." Ghirahim decided to make Zant his co-head commander, just to confuse Fi and her forces. His strategy that is sure to dominate.

"Very good," Ghirahim snickers. "Fi will feel my full rage in a single blow."

The two villains laugh with as much maliciousness as they can muster. The gorons, who have evacuated to Hyrule Fields for the time being, very faintly hear the malevolent laughter of the demon lord and the usurper king. For the first time, Darunia experiences a chill up his spin. Some of the gorons start asking one another if they should return to aid Fi and her forces.

Then, the battle begins.

Zant exits the base with great haste. His destination is the keep that Ghirahim assigned him.

Just then, one of the Bokoblins on Ghirahim's side runs into the base, obviously with important news. Ghirahim doesn't bother to as why the soldier is out of position.

"Lord Ghirahim," the Bokoblin can't finish because of lack of oxygen. He ran a long way, all while avoiding the Hyrulian forces. "Lord (gasp) Ghirahim."

"For the love of Demise, what is it man?!"

"They've got Bombchus!"

Instantly, Ghirahim's eyes open wide. The problem with Bokoblins is that most of them panic when they know their doom is near. The reason that is a relevant thought on Ghirahim's part is because at the first sight of a Bombchu, the Bokoblins will scatter without a second thought. It is up to him to defuse the devastating bomb. With that said, he scurries out of the base. The Bokoblin sits down and says, "I'll just sit down for a minute. I pigged out on break and now I'm not physically fit enough for action. Phew!"

Meanwhile, Zant slices his way through the Hyrulian forces. Just for fun, the Hyrulian Captain takes his sword and hits Zant's shin. Zant stumbles back. When he regains his composer, his first thought is _that soldier must pay for that._ Before Zant can serve out justice, though, the Hyrulians do a peculiar thing; they dogpile on the self-proclaimed Twilight King as if they were all fat Moblins. Identity crisis? Maybe.

The reason for the strange behavior is part of Fi's plan. The second Bombchu rolls through the keep without an issue, considering that Zant is buried under Hyrulians and the Bokoblins in the keep all saw the bomb and fled for their lives.

Zant's thought process is disabled by the sheer ridiculousness that is happening with the opposing forces. Once Zant gets over the fact that the Hyrulians believe they are Moblins, he manages to use a magic field to propel all the soldiers off of him. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the tail of the Bombchu exiting the keep and rolling down the hillside out of view. His stomach knots.

On the opposite side of the battlefield in the parallel keep to the one Zant is currently in, Ghirahim uses all of his might on the Bombchu. Pieces are starting to fall off of the machine, but a nauseating ticking sound continues to emit from it. With three seconds to spare, Ghirahim disables the bomb. He sighs in relief, completely neglecting the fact that the machine is smoking. A mere half of a second after the demon lord catches his breath, the Bombchu explodes. The explosion has much less force than it would if it hadn't been disabled, but it still pertains enough force to launch Ghirahim off his feet and onto his face just outside the keep. The Bokoblins of the keep return, but neglect to even look at their leader.

Just as Fi planned, Midna enters the keep right about then. Ghirahim lifts his head and spits out the dirt his face collected when it was launched into the ground. The many little rocks embedded into his beautiful face one-by-one start to fall back to the ground. He opens his eyes to yet another painful sight; "Hair hand!"

Meanwhile, Zant actually rides on top of the Bombchu that is headed towards the keep closest to the base on the left side. He had already punctured the metal machine, but now he can't pull his blades out of the machine again. Some of the Hyrulian soldiers following the Bombchu at a safe distance can't help but giggle at the sight of the usurper king struggling. The Bombchu stops. The sudden stop causes Zant's weight to bunch up on one side. His fingers slip off his blade, and he falls off the machine with a thud. Right then and there, Newton's first law of motion threw its hands in the air in rejoice; for the law works even with video game characters.

All of the shame the usurper king's heart is suffering twists and contorts on its way to the surface, changing its chemical structure in the process. From the heart to the hands, Zant's embarrassment transforms into determination. He hops back onto his feet like a ninja and effortlessly hops right back onto the machine. Instead of pulling with his biceps, he decides to take a different approach. This time, he pulls up with his back and legs, and as a result, his scimitars come free of the machine's cold grip.

In this small and meaningless victory, a mixture of emotions swell up in Zant. One side of him is proud, while the other side is confused and slightly ashamed that it took so long for him to remove his weapons out of a machine. This is probably why he doesn't work in a hospital; all his tools would get lodged in the patient, and there would be no hope from there.

The Bombchu explodes, for it was not disabled by the scimitars piercing through its metal hide. Zant is launched over the wall of the keep. As if they pain couldn't get any worse, Zant's instincts propel him to turn in the air so that he possibly lands on his feet instead of his face, resulting in a direct landing on his backside. A shockwave travels from his rear to his forehead. Now not only does his rear end feel like it was just decimated, but he has a monstrous headache, too. One of the benefits of wearing a helmet that covers your entire face is that nobody can see by your facial expressions when you're in excruciating pain.

Meanwhile, Midna is tossed against the keep wall, bashing into it with a force that a normal human being would never recover from. She has had a worthy duel with the determined demon lord. Perhaps his determination and refusal to lose is what has held him up in this fight. Ghirahim, beaten and bruised just as much as, if not more than Midna, musters up every ounce of strength he has left. With a snap of his fingers, he summons his blade and charges at the princess. In defense, Midna holds up her magical hair in front of herself. The hair blocks his view, but Ghirahim has a general idea of where Midna is hiding behind it. His blade pierces through the hair and misses the princess's eye by less than a centimeter. The blade, though missing its target, does cut the cheek just below the eye. With that, Midna's defeat cry signals her surrender.

Ghirahim steps back, catching his breath as he watches Midna's hair return to its normal style. He feels a sense of satisfaction seeing the bleeding cut he inflicted on Midna's cheek, which ultimately drained the last of Midna's will to fight for this battle. With a smirk, he declares, "One down, one to go."

Midna smirks. "That surely was enough time bought," she states to herself.

"Wait, what?"

"All Fi needed," Midna explains, "was a little time to get where she was going. She doesn't need to defeat you directly in battle to win."

All of the pieces now suddenly fit together. Fi's ultimate plan was to cause multiple distractions and take over his base. He should have known! Fi knew all along that he would desert his base in order to protect the surrounding areas, which would ultimately protect the base. The irony in this scenario alone is enough to incinerate Ghirahim's pride, let alone stop his heart of pure agony.

He looks over his shoulder in the direction he came from. "The base," he whispers. He would have yelled it, but his throat has grown horse from all the battle cries. As if fleeing for his life, Ghirahim dashes out of the keep he is currently in. It is extremely difficult to ignore the cries of the wounds all over his feet and legs, but his desperation to simply not lose to Fi drives his body to move instead of collapse.

In Ghirahim's base, Fi dances with ease all over the few Bokoblins defending the base. She took the middle route; a straight line from her base to Ghirahim's base. Getting there was easy; the race against the clock was the big challenge. Her confidence was growing every Bokoblin defeated. Soon, Ghirahim's base would be hers, and the battle would be won.

"Fi!"

Fi stops dancing, turning her attention to the source of the voice. She watches as Ghirahim stumbles on his own feet, catching himself on the gateway to his base. He holds out a hand, materializing his sword.

"Come and fight me like a real warrior, you cowardly spirit," Ghirahim demands.

Fi kicks a Bokoblin to defeat it. Once it is defeated, she turns all her attention to her battered opponent. "May I tell you why I chose the strategy that I did?"

Ghirahim is infuriated. The last thing he wants right now is to be lectured from his opponent. However, this time, his common sense pleads to let his fatigued body rest. He gestures for Fi to tell her story.

"Physically, I cannot complete with you," Fi explains.

Ghirahim's urge to incinerate Fi suddenly melts away. He is intrigued to hear the rest of what she has to say.

"Though we are both very skilled in the arts of swordplay, I still have no chance of defeating you with skill alone. My only chance was to use a different tactic than face you directly. After studying this battlefield, I realized that if I could part my foes to both sides, then it was a straight walk to where I assumed your base would be. From there, I carefully planned where I wanted my forces to go and where I wanted you and Zant to be led to. To be completely honest, this plan wasn't 100% full proof."

Ghirahim, though he heard it with his own two ears, still cannot believe that Fi is admitting that she could not defeat him via one-on-one. Before he can make a rebuttal, Zant clumsily waddles his way to the parallel side of the base. By the way he is gasping for breath and shaking, Ghirahim can tell that Zant is just as battered as him.

Fi sighs. "I will not flee. If you wish to fight me, sword to sword, then I accept your challenge. You've managed to defend your keeps and return before your base falls, so you've earned the right to fight me your way."

Ghirahim once again summons the rage he had for Fi. He has to remind himself that she's a coward and she totally cheated for him to forget that she admitted to not being as skilled as him. He takes just enough steps into the base to get a swing at Fi. The swing hits Fi's shoulder, pushing her back.

"You see, we are the superior!" Zant exclaims in the background.

Witnessing a direct hit and listening to Zant's cheers restore some much-needed power to Ghirahim. However, the surge of power doesn't last. Fi turns into her sword form and swings at Ghirahim. What little strength Ghirahim has left cannot compete with Fi's hardly used strength. Zant winces every time his comrade is hit by the spirit.

It doesn't take very long for Fi to knock Ghirahim off his feet and his sword out of his hand. Ghirahim falls onto his back after a kick from Fi. Fi turns into a sword and aims the point of the blade down at her defeated opponent. Traditionally, the winning sword fighter points their blade at the loser's neck, but that isn't the way Fi does it.

Ghirahim takes a deep breath, giving himself just enough energy to lift his head. Out of curiosity, his eyes drift to find exactly where Fi is pointing her blade at him. Once he finds it, he has two options; to surrender and spare himself any more pain, or to refuse to give up and possibly get stabbed where nobody in their right mind wants to be stabbed.

He chooses the former of the two options. And so, the forces of good earn yet another victory.

Author's Notes- Personally, I prefer Ghirahim over Fi, but this chapter just gives me some sort of weird satisfaction. Ghirahim's personality reminds me of the Paper Mario villain Dimentio. Both of these villains are so interesting and unpredictable. They leave you always wondering if they're planning something more. Anyway, before I get off topic too much, not only was Ghirahim suggested in the reviews, but just before writing this chapter, I played as Ghirahim on Hyrule Warriors. I was playing co-op with my brother, who played as Zant, and we were battling at Death Mountain. The opposing forces were led by Sheik, but whatever. I had a good time, and a lot of the inspiration for this chapter came from my game session. A little tidbit into my inspiration.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5- A Remlit's Tale

It was a normal day in Skyloft, that is, up until Wizzro decided that he wanted to capture Fi for her magical abilities.

It just so happens that Agitha was taking a small vacation at Skyloft to get away from the endless Twilight and Ms. Kitty. No offense to Ms. Kitty, but she can get kind of bossy sometimes.

A Skyloftian man flees from the battle scene, passing Agitha as he does. Agitha catches his attention and makes him stop.

"Excuse me, but why is everybody in such a panic?"

"Flee!" The man screams. "There is a crazed wizard attacking the Goddess Statue!"

That was all Agitha needed to hear. Despite being on vacation, she could just let evil wreak havoc on the peaceful realm of Skyloft. She springs into action with her trusty parasol.

Fi is awakened by Wizzro, only to end up regretting waking up. As fate would have it, that is exactly when Agitha comes in. With the combined powers of the two, they manage to defeat Wizzro and his small army.

"Agitha, on behalf of Skyloft, I thank you," Fi says.

Agitha blushes. "It was my pleasure."

As Agitha exits the inside of the statue, a clumsy Remlit slips off the side of the statue, landing on Agitha's parasol. Agitha's startled by the noise and the sudden weight on her umbrella, looks up. Upon seeing the silhouette of the cat-like creature, she shakes her parasol violently in an attempt to get the creature off.

The Remlit hits the grass with a thud. The creature, unlike others of its kind, decides to just sit still and contemplate its bad luck. Perhaps Keese for dinner last night wasn't the best idea; bad karma.

Agitha squeals with joy at the sight. "Oh my gosh, it's a kitty!" Then she notices the ringed tail and big ears. "A kitty-chinchilla-raccoon?"

The local demon lord, Ghirahim, comes up behind. He guffaws and says, "Remlit. You've found a Remlit."

Agitha sets her basket down and picks up the feline-like mammal. "It's adorable! So CUTE!" She rubs her cheek on its soft fur. Ghirahim hates all things mushy, so he makes himself scarce.

The Remlit seems to smile at Agitha. Right then and there, Agitha decides aloud to herself, "I'm going to take you home and make you my faithful, kitty companion! We can hunt insects together and be the best of buddies!" With that said, she picks up her basket, puts her new friend in the basket, and skips off with a cheerful spring in her step.

…

That afternoon, Agitha encounters a problem. Her hotel doesn't allow pets! For a minute, Agitha stands there, defeated. Then, she starts thinking like her friends. What would Midna do? What would Ruto do? How would Darunia or Lana solve this problem? Then, an idea strikes Agitha like a meteor strikes a planet; full of flare and fiery ambition.

The hotel manager watches Agitha stroll into the lobby with a full basket, covered with a white cloth. The girl appears innocent, so she must me.

The cloth on the basket moves by itself.

"Hey, miss, just as a security protocol, what's in the basket?"

Agitha tenses up. She relaxes herself, turns towards the manager, smiles, and says in the sweetest tone she can muster, "Nothing. Just some stuff from the market."

A small 'meow' can faintly be heard, which causes both the manager and Agitha to flinch. The manager points at the basket, screaming, "You've got a creature in there!"

"No I don't! I swear! I'm a rule-abiding little girl. It's just the fish I bought for supper swimming around in their sacks. It's fresh fish."

The manager taps his fingers on the counter. "So, yes, something alive is in the basket."

Agitha nods.

"The fish meowed."

"Yes."

"…"

Just to prove a point, Agitha pretends to wipe off her mouth and uses her arm as cover to go "meow".

Any normal human wouldn't buy it, but since the hotel manager is a Skyloftian, and not a normal human, he allows Agitha to go to her room, her basket and all.

…

Agitha, the sweet girl that she is, makes a little bed for her new pet Remlit. The bed is just a little box (the delivery boxes from dinner the night before; she had Chinese food) with some cotton balls to fill the bottom and a hand towel for a blanket on top. The Remlit, which Agitha named Peanut, curls up in a little ball in its new bed.

The events of the day have wiped out Agitha. She did a lot of relaxing until about noon-ish, when she defeated Wizzro with the help of Fi. The rest of the day was spent frolicking with Peanut and catching bugs. Aw, today was a good day.

Peanut listens intently at the movements Agitha makes. He can hear as Agitha climbs into bed and dozes off. Very cleverly, Peanut waits several minutes after the sounds of Agitha's movements stop. All Peanut can hear now is the soft sound of Agitha's peaceful breathing.

Now, it is time.

Peanut climbs out of his little bed. Unlike earlier that day, his eyes are yellow now. He has fangs which drip saliva, and his soft tail has become spiked up, as if he was a cat hunching its back and hissing at a dog. As he creeps over to the window, his claws come out, one by one, as silent as the grave. Not even Dampé the Gravekeeper, whose ears have become keen to even the slightest movement in the graveyard, could have heard Peanut's footsteps and the retraction of his claws. Interestingly, Peanut's ears have also taken a more pointed shape.

As quietly as possible, Peanut hops onto the windowsill and opens the locked window. With a small, ticking noise, barely audible to the human ear, Peanut summons his fellow Remlits. It doesn't take long for many more Remlits to climb the walls of the hotel and enter Agitha's hotel room through the window. Each one of them holds the exact same, transformed appearance as Peanut. All of them, hungry for mischief.

…

After consulting with the hand in the toilet, Ghirahim wanders through the quiet streets of Skyloft. This city is so quiet after the sun sets. There are no Loftwings above or below, as well as no pitiful humans.

Well, except maybe that one.

Ghirahim stares at the end of the alleyway, where a pack of Remlits stand alongside each other each other, led by a single Remlit. The bunched-up group of Remlits is bunched-up to do a specific task; to carry the victim. The sleeping cargo is Agitha.

Seeing Agitha, Ghirahim's immediate response is to prepare for battle, but after seeing that she is sound asleep, he drops his guard. A series of questions then proceed to drift through his mind, including questions such as 'are the Remlits suddenly an advanced society?' and 'how did they manage to carry Agitha on their backs through the city and not be noticed?'.

The Remlit in the front, leading its pack, stops at the edge of the alley and looks in. Ghirahim tenses up. The Remlit, Peanut, sits like a cat and smirks at the demon lord. A mischievous glint of light bounces off the Remlit's right eye. Once his comrades pass him, he stands on all fours and follows.

Ghirahim has sudden urge to follow. He follows, only to have Peanut order three of the back Remlits to attack him. Ghirahim flees, luckily with all his limbs and both of his eyes still in contact. He couldn't strike a single hit, but probably because one of the three Remlits was on his face the entire time. Being defeated by a bunch of felines; not quite as humiliating as being beaten by Cuccos, but still humiliating.

…

All we know today is that Agitha was not killed, and left Skyloft in one piece. She refuses to tell where she woke up, or what the Remlits did with her. Considering that all the Remlits look the same, she believes that after putting Peanut to bed, she never saw him again. Nobody today knows exactly what happened. Agitha only knows what happened before she went to bed, and what happened after she woke up. She has never told another being what happened once she woke up.

And, in the entire universe, the only being who knows the story from beginning to the end… is Peanut the Remlit.

Author's Notes- I don't know about you, but I'm pretty proud of this one. In the reviews, PsycoFangirl suggested that Ghirahim be attacked by a Remlit. Thank you, PsycoFangirl for suggesting this. I will admit, I have never actually played Skyward Sword, but if I ever get the chance, I won't pass it up. I had to research Remlits, and I think they're awesome. ALSO, I made a mistake in the last chapter. 'Hyrulian' is actually spelled 'Hyrulean'. For those of you that noticed, I apologize. In the future, I will correctly spell it. Those of you whom didn't notice, I admit I goofed, and I wish for you to know the correct spelling. I'm really enjoying writing these short stories.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6- Lana's Holiday

Faron Woods is so peaceful from about 9:30 P.M. to 7:00 A.M. The reason? Lana. 7 in the morning is when Lana wakes from her restful slumber. Since today is Saturday, she wakes up with an exciting dance exercise. Her carry-on radio can also play her music from her MP3 (IPods don't exist in Hyrule… yet.)

Most of the woodland creatures have become tolerate of Lana's Saturday morning excitement. Oddly enough, one of the wisest woodland inhabitants would rather Lana be at the bottom of a pond on Saturday mornings. Not that he (though genderless, the being in question prefers to be addresses as a man) has a concept of time or anything. His species can live for hundreds and hundreds of years, which almost feels like forever. As long as he gets the nutrients he needs, he can survive for pretty much forever.

That one being is the Great Deku Tree.

Lana happily bounces around to her pop music on one of the sturdiest and thickest limbs of the Great Deku Tree, where she lives. One of the perks of being a competent tree is that you can move. You can't relocate, of course, but the movement that takes normal trees years only takes a tree like the Great Deku Tree a minute or so, depending on how big the move is. Taking into account that Lana is jumping, the Great Deku Tree figures that there is a way to solve his problem.

Lana jumps up into the splits. Upon landing, her feet land unevenly on the edge, which causes her to slip. Hitting the ground with such force is extraordinarily uncomfortable, even for someone has resilient as Lana.

"One of these days, Lana, all your energy is going to break me," The Great Deku Tree cautions using a tone identical to a grandfather to his young granddaughter in the same situation.

Lana moves so she is in a sitting position. She looks up at the Great Deku Tree with puppy eyes and quivering lip. She has a feeling that it was the tree which caused her to stumble and fall.

Despite being a tree, the Great Deku Tree can still see, as well as feel emotions. Upon gazing at Lana's pitiful expression, the bark inside the Deku Tree which was hardened and cold with irritation is now starting to soften and warm.

"UM, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would appreciate it if you would be more cautious. I'm not as young as I once was, and time and warn my limbs down. I feel like any day will be the day that I'm eroded to the core. In the future, would you please be cautious on the impact your activities have on me?"

Lana stands up and wipes off her nose. "You know, that's all you had to say."

"We've already talked about this," explains the Great Deku Tree. "Just, maybe today you'll take my words to heart. I would be very grateful if you would."

Lana sighs, letting her shoulders droop in the process. She depressingly mumbles, "Oh, alright."

"Excellent. So no more ju-,"

Lana whips around with as much spring in her step as before. She looks back over her shoulder. "I won't jump as hard next Saturday! See you later!" She runs off, peppy and full of vigor.

The Great Deku Tree can only stand there and hope that Lana will actually think about his request this time. Anybody would agree that the poor guy needs a vacation. At the very least, a vacation from the blue-haired, feminine, energy drink.

…

Hyrule Castle- the home of Princess Zelda and the hero, Link- stands with great purpose and majesty. The jubilant white sorceress runs across the bridge to the front gates. Where there are usually guards, there is nobody. The gate lies completely unguarded, but of course, Lana pays no attention and walks right in.

The only thing audible in the interior of the castle is the echo of Lana's footsteps as she sprints through the vacant castle. Lana makes herself welcome and just strides into Zelda's quarters. Expecting to receive an answer from the princess, she calls, "Good morning, Princess Zelda! It's another wonderful day here in Hyrule."

There is no answer.

"Hey Zelda, you can't still be in bed. There's too much to do."

Still no answer.

Like a boulder, a sudden realization bowls over Lana. Taking a glance at the lifeless bedroom opens a hatch in Lana's brain, releasing important information. There were no guards at the gate. There were no workers in the castle. Not even Link showed himself. Where was everybody?

Gasp! It must have been Ganondorf! Lana should have guessed the second she realized nobody was home, but in fact, she guessed it not a second, but a minute after! Well, what is she doing just standing around like an idiot who's glued his/her feet to the floor? Lana darts out of the room and out the front gate. Leaving the gates wide open was probably not a good idea, but Lana has more important things to worry about.

…

Gerudo Desert- the hottest, driest, and the place where any being is the most susceptible to sunburns- is where Lana searches for the Gerudo King. Like any regular desert, you'd suspect it to be uninhabited, and it is. But, before Lana assumes the worst has happened, she decides that there is one place she should look before making any assumptions. Before she gets a sunburn, she makes haste for her next destination.

…

The Valley of Seers- home of Lana's other half and her minions- stands as lifeless as Gerudo Desert. Lana searches around every corner in desperation. There is nobody. When Lana is thinking 'nobody', she is including those who reside here as well. Ganondorf is not here, meaning that Zelda and Link are obviously not here. In addition, Cia, Wizzro, and Volga are not here either. Now the knots in Lana's stomach are starting to tighten. However, at the same time, she refuses to quit searching. Even finding Zant or Ghirahim will ease her soul at this point.

…

Eldin Caves, Temple of Souls, Temple of the Sacred Sword, Skyloft, The Sealed Grounds, Twilight Field, Twilight Palace, Death Mountain, and Lake Hylia are abandon. Each and every one of them; Lana cannot find a soul she recognizes. Heck, she can't find even a soul which can speak in an audible language. She can't find a Goron, Zora, or Hylian anywhere. It is as if a widespread disease killed the entire population of their world except for her.

Lana wanders through the Temple of Souls one last time, just to confirm that nobody is there. Right in the middle, she collapses on her knees. This world has officially died off, and fate has decided that she would be alone for the remainder of her days.

Despite the seriousness of the sorrow, Lana is not the type of person to wallow in sadness and grovel at the feet of hardship. Slowly gaining a newfound sense of determination, Lana climbs onto her feet and straightens her back. She states aloud to herself, "Though all my friends… and enemies, may be gone, I will not let this loss destroy me. All of them would want me to be strong and live my life happily. Well, all except maybe Ganondorf… and Zant. Ghirahim and Wizzro... but Cia would still want be to live the rest of my life happy. And I promise to keep their memory alive. They shall not disappear in vain!"

…

Lana promised herself that she would keep the memory of her friends alive, and that is a promise she plans to keep. With a majestic stride, Lana rides imaginary Epona through the halls of Hyrule Castle. Just to get in the spirit, she found one of Link's backup scarves and put it on. Heroically, she hops off imaginary Epona (only to stumble and fall), and stands as if she was wielding the Master Sword. She can't help but giggle. So this is what Link feels like. It's neat!

Link isn't the only spirit that Lana keeps alive. She uses a really heavy, long rock to fling her body weight around as if she was Impa. It gives her butterflies in her stomach, and she has to stop after three flips. The next day, she recreates a conversation she once overheard Midna and Agitha having. To do so, she gets on her knees and holds an ordinary umbrella over her shoulder to impersonate Agitha. Once she finishes Agitha's sentence, she stands up, puts the umbrella down, gets on her knees on a box, and puts on the weirdest mask she could find in Cia's collection to impersonate Midna. She thinks she may be slightly taller than Midna, but not everything can be perfect. Lana attempts to swim with as much grace as Ruto, but ends up flailing in the water like a fish with a cramp. She also attempts to eat rocks like Darunia. She stops when a painful crack is heard. Now she's missing a tooth, but whatever.

…

It's been a week since Lana woke up that Saturday morning only to find that she is now forever alone in the world. Unfortunately, time has made Lana realize that no matter how hard she tries, she can't recreate the lives of her friends. Each of her friends are all just too precious and irreplaceable.

Like always, The Great Deku Tree is awoken by the white sorceress. He watches as she sulks down the side of his and simply strolls off with her head down. At first, the Great Deku Tree is thankful for the peace, but then his good nature inflicts the feeling of concern on him. Lana's behavior is unusual, especially for Saturday morning. Last Saturday, she came to him saying that everybody was gone, but she wasn't going to let that dampen her spirits. Now, he knows she wasn't joking about the first part. Only the second part was a lie. For once, he wishes that Lana was dances on his branches with a spring in her step and smile in her heart.

Lana sulked off to Hyrule Field. She solemnly stares at the castle, which probably has cobwebs all over the place by now.

Just before she can tell nobody in particular about her sorrow, a large portal similar to the Gate of Souls opens up right behind her. A horde of people pour through the portal. If water was pouring from the portal, Lana probably would have drowned.

Lana's fellow warriors, friends and enemies alike, stand in a circle around her. Lana, who fell over from the flood, stares in disbelief. Her eyes dart from Link to Ganondorf, to Darunia, to Agitha, and so on. Zelda steps forward and helps the baffled sorceress onto her feet. Lana continues to stare, dumbfounded.

"UM, hello? Is anybody home?" Midna asks, directing the sarcastic questions to Lana.

Lana has to shake her head to properly process her words. "But, but, where did you all go?!"

Darunia proudly exclaims, "It was No Lana Day, so we all took a vacation!"

"No Lana Day?"

"UH, yeah," Proxi explains, "It's a whole day in celebration of you."

Lana gets an annoyed look. "I'm not stupid."

One last warrior comes through the portal. Lana's dismay becomes even graver with this fact. The warrior stops in front of Lana, still smiling.

"You too, Cia?" Lana's bottom lip trembles.

"Uh, yeah, totally," Cia explains. "Even I need at least a day without seeing-," She spins around using one foot as a an axis and laughs with a high-pitched giggle as a representation of Lana.

Princess Ruto says, "But hey, don't be sad."

"The holiday celebrates you," Darunia adds.

Then all the villains burst into spontaneous laughter.

Lana wipes her nose and looks at Ganondorf.

Ganondorf stops laughing and asks, "Would it make you happy if we explained what we did while we were gone?" Lana nods. Ganondorf proceeds to tell Lana everything from the start of the celebration to what they did at the end. When they found the perfect place for their celebration, they started No Lana Day with a Lana-Free picnic. Then they all enjoyed the peace by having nobody say anything for five minutes, which Lana is incapable of doing. After silent time, everybody got a piece of paper and a pencil to write down everything that annoys them about Lana. Some of them were able to write ten-page essays. Next, they take the papers and anything they can find to start a bonfire. Just for fun, Agitha and Zelda put their skills together and made a clay model of Lana's face. Zant used his Scimitars to carve Lana's name into a block of wood. Ghirahim tossed mini blades into it just for fun. Both the clay model at that carved block of wood went into the pile. Volga then got the pleasure of setting it ablaze. Everybody told stories of the experiences they had with Lana while the fire was ablaze. (None of them were happy stories, though Zelda did mention that Lana was a big help saving Hyrule.) Once the fire died down, everybody stomped on the ashes.

"Well, almost everybody stomped on the ashes," Ruto adds. Everybody attention turns to Wizzro. He crosses his arms, miffed. He can't help that he only has arms. For the love of Demise, his real form is a ring!

Impa says, "I admit, I was entertained."

"The best day ever," Ruto adds.

"A DAY?!" Lana screams. "You guys were gone for a week!"

Link rubs the back of his head, ashamed. Proxi speaks on his behalf, saying, "I guess we got a little carried away."

Fi attempts to make the situation by adding the facts. "There are good results from this experience. Until this holiday, I have never seen Midna and Zant enjoying themselves within ten feet of each other."

Ghirahim nods in agreement. He adds, "I never thought Link and I would have anything in common, but it seems I was wrong."

Lana looks at all her fellow warriors. Dismissing the bad side of things, at least her friends had a good time, and thinking of her in the process. She gives a weak smile.

Ganondorf completely forgets Lana. He turns to Link and asks, "Hey, don't we have another holiday coming up?" Link nods.

Impa says, "Lana, next we're celebrating No Midna Day."

"Why wait?" You can guess who said that (*cough* Zant *cough*). Right beside him, Ghirahim's expression went from blank to instant joy. It was like a water balloon full of happy launched from an adorableness cannon hit Ghirahim straight in the face.

Within the next few seconds, all but one warrior disappear through the new portal. The mad dash was overwhelming. Midna gets up off the ground. All she can say is "you've got to be kidding me."

Author's Notes- For those of you who watch SpongeBob, the storyline might seem a little familiar. The reason is because this story was based off of SpongeBob. SPOILER: The episode "Gone" has the same storyline idea. SPOILER OVER. That SpongeBob episode is not one of the best in my opinion, but I love the concept of it. And just so nobody is confused or angry with me, I think Lana is a great character and I have nothing against her. To me, she seems like one of those characters that is just too happy to be real. Optimism is always a good thing, but Lana seems a little _too_ happy. Know what I mean? Lana might be smarter and more realistic in future short stories. Who knows? Unfortunately, I'm out of good ideas now. I'd love some suggestions. Who would you like to see focused on?


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7- Versus the Phantom Army

Power can get to one's head. Link is no exception, as the allies learned back before Cia was defeated. Ever since, Link hasn't let his strength make him prideful. He has been defeated a few times since the official war ended, which has really helped. Nobody but Link has touched the Master Sword, but the Master Sword's power isn't what they have to worry about corrupting their minds. It's their own power each of them have to worry about. Ganondorf is able to defeat entire armies of Bokoblins as a single warrior. Agitha's skills have improved so much that she can defeat King Dodongo just in time for tea. Darunia scoffs at Volga when he single-handedly defeats the dragon knight, and vice versa. Lana uses her Deku Spear to create trees just for fun, just to see Impa bash into them when she's running and not looking.

For the warriors, the mastery of their skills has made them unstoppable. For the weaker soldiers, defeat is inevitable. A Bulblin put on the front lines is sure to be crushed by Midna's hair. A Hylian Captain leading troops into the enemy base is sure to be cursed by Wizzro's magic. Ruto's waves are sure to drown the nearest Aeralfos, and no Goron soldier is safe from the fury of Zant's blades. When facing Ganondorf, if you aren't as skilled as Link, then kiss your backside goodbye, because you're toast.

A particular Ghost Hylian watches the carnage every day. Before he was defeated in the battle at the Sacred Grounds, he had a name. His name was Lucas. Lucas was a trained Hylian Captain, before his death defending a keep. He was one of the lucky captains, as he managed to stay loyal to Princess Zelda and Hyrule. His fellow soldiers died that day, and all because of the demon lord's grasp on their minds. Today, Lucas walks the ground unseen. He's had a few close calls, fighting as a ghost, but he has survived in his afterlife. He has studied the techniques of each of the great warriors, heroes and villains, and he has noticed a very important fact. None of the warriors have stepped into each other's shoes. Zelda has never sat down to think of Link's struggles he faces in battle. Cia tosses her minions into battle before her, never worrying to herself if they would come back. Lucas realizes that this is a form of pride. Each of the warriors is bursting with confidence, putting themselves in front of their peers.

This makes Lucas angry. Did he die because of the arrogance of his commanders? Lucas communicates with the other ghosts, monsters and all, and each of them agree. Action must be taken.

…

Impa dashes through Hyrule Fields. On the others side, Zelda is being surrounded by Ganondorf and his two commanders. Impa is halfway there. Upon entering a keep, a familiar tree blocks Impa's path. Impa makes full impact with the plant. In the corner of the keep, Lana laughs hysterically. This is the seventh time this week that Impa has bashed full force into something; five of those seven things were trees that Lana created using her Deku Spear. Lana does have much time to laugh, though. Impa warned her last time that next time she did that, that she'd be in a world of hurt. Lana forgets this heed until Impa uses her Giant Knife to chop down the tree and charges after her. Lana flees.

"So, Ghirahim, how was your weekend?"

"Oh, my weekend was fabulous. Thank you for asking." As a distraction, Zelda has started a conversation with Ganondorf's "helpers". Zelda has learned in the past that Ghirahim is more than happy to talk about himself. Fi once sat for an hour listening to Ghirahim talk about how he does his hair in the morning.

Zelda turns to Zant. She says, "And how was your weekend?"

Zant rolls his eyes under his helmet. "Well, if you must know, it was great other than when I slipped on a mustard spill and fell down the stairs." Ghirahim laughs.

Like a toddler at the zoo points to the monkeys, Ganondorf points forward and says, "Look." His voice cracked right then since he hasn't had a drink of water, and Ghirahim laughs even more. Zelda looks over her shoulder. Lana flails her arms as she swerves in her run from infuriated Impa. At the sight of Zelda, she screams, "HEEEELLLLPPPP!"

Zelda sighs with an amused smile. She orders Impa to stop chasing Lana. Impa reluctantly ceases the chase and focuses on saving Zelda from Ganondorf.

Impa says, "Zelda, I will hold Ganondorf and his men off while you seek refuge."

"Actually," Zelda explains. "I just started a lovely conversation with Ghirahim and Zant. Would you like to join?" Impa is utterly confused.

As if on cue, Midna riding her Twilight wolf glides over the rock cliff. Everything seems okay, until Zelda notices that Agitha is holding on for dear life on the back of the wolf. When the wolf lands, Agitha flies back and has to grab the wolf's tail. She is dragged behind the wolf as it speeds down the battlefield.

"What's her hurry?" Zant asks aloud.

Zelda and Impa turn their attentions to the direction Midna come from. A familiar sound becomes very loud, very quick. In unison, all five warriors gasp in horror. Lana has already started running, leaving the other five in the dust.

"RUN!" bellows the Gerudo king. Like that, all five warriors sprint in the opposite direction the noise is coming from. Like a flood, Cuccos spill over the rock cliff. It's no wonder Midna was in a hurry to get away. Impa leads the runners, followed by Ghirahim, Zelda, Ganondorf, and Zant in that order.

Zelda notices that the sun's heat is no longer present, so she looks up. A shadow is cast over her, and she quickly sees that the reason is quickly falling from the sky. With a stylish spin, she dodges the falling Goron Chief. Ganondorf and Zant run around. Darunia uncurls himself and stands up, facing the direction Zelda and the others are fleeing. He asks, "What's the rush?" Turning around, he quickly finds out for himself and joins the runners. Ironically enough, Ruto had the same idea, but she appears in Hyrule Field from a puddle instead of the sky. Little did she know that she would be bowled over by rolling Darunia.

One by one, the remaining warriors gradually make their grand entrances, only to see the flood of Cuccos and start fleeing for their lives. Volga thought that watching Cia run was really entertaining. Then she started using magic to make her feet levitate, which killed the fun. With the little compassion he has, Volga also held his spear back to let Wizzro grab onto it. Using his strength, he flings the twisted wizard over his shoulder and far out of reach of the Cuccos. Cia mumbles "Show off" as Fi gracefully dances her way away from the Cucco flood.

Like they all feared, the warriors reach a dead end, trapping themselves between angry Cuccos and a hard place. The warriors who can teleport have learned the hard way that unless you defeat the Cucco, they will relentlessly pursue you, no matter where you go. They always find you. Desperately, Darunia searches for the culprit of the Cucco's anger. Zant gladly rats out Midna, so Darunia tosses her out in front. Using her hair, Midna is able to shield herself from the bird fury. However, then the warriors realize that the Cuccos are pursuing all of them. Dread drains the color out of all of them. Heroically, Link is the first to try to hold off the Cuccos. Gradually, all of the warriors start to use their weapons to hold off the Cuccos. Their combined efforts give Lana enough time to collect enough power to create a force field around them. The hard-working warriors rest, each on edge as they witness the Cuccos flood over the force field. Naturally, they all shift to the middle, huddling close together. Agitha has to bury her face into Link's tunic. Midna finds herself hiding behind Wizzro, giving Wizzro a protector feeling, as if he should protect her. Then he questions himself. Impa gathers the other princesses and pushes them into the middle of the huddle. Fi, unable to identify the emotion of fear, questions the actions of her fellow warriors. Ganondorf watches his "helpers", thinking that if a Cucco was to break through the barrier, the two might hug each other and exclaim "I love you, man!"

Eventually, the Cucco mob disperses. Lana lets her force field down. Some of the warriors flinch, expecting the Cuccos to return. A minute passes, and the warriors are perfectly safe. Zelda starts to chuckle in relief. Impa starts to chuckle, too. Gradually, the rest of them smile with relief and start chuckling. Like a whip whipping a wall, they all instantaneously stop laughing and ready their weapons.

"Who was it that endangered us all?" Ganondorf asks, stern like a principle asking a naughty class who broke the window.

Zant explains that the Cuccos were following Midna. Midna defends herself, stating that Agitha was already fleeing from a Cucco when they met up at Twilight Palace. As they ran, Cuccos started to build. Then Midna yells at Darunia for throwing her out to the Cuccos less than five minutes ago. Darunia defends himself, stating that if the Cuccos were only going for her, that his actions would have saved them all. Agitha then mentions that Midna would have been mauled by the Cuccos. After that, the entire group explodes with argument. Lucas, who has observed the entire thing from afar, thinks to himself "of course. Why didn't I guess this would happen?"

…

As Lucas walks towards the warriors, all who see him cease arguing and give him their full attention. The last two arguing are Midna and Wizzro, who argue about who knows what. When they notice Lucas, they look away, guilty as charged.

"Hello everyone. I'm pleased to see that you survived the Cuccos."

"Who are you?" Ganondorf rudely interrupts.

Lucas turns to Ganondorf. "Funny you should ask. I am Captain Lucas R. Licksby."

Impa immediately drops her jaw in surprise. The name makes something in her brain click. Lucas then greets his former general with a smile. Impa can only wave, dazed with the fact that her former raid captain has visited from the next world.

Agitha asks, "Excuse me, but what does the R stand for?"

"Reginald. My middle name is Reginald." Lucas's response gives Volga the giggles.

Ruto clears her throat and asks, "So, you saw the embarrassing display of us fleeing from the birds?"

Lucas gives Ruto a sympathetic smile and replies, "Yes, I witnessed what happened, but I do not blame any of your for fleeing. My grandmother was a tough Cucco farmer, but not even she could tame a flock of angry Cuccos. She tamed my little sister and I when we were naughty children, but Cuccos were a different story."

Lana then proceeds to ask why Lucas has come from the next world to visit. It takes her a while to word the sentence sensitively, just in case the subject of death was still touchy. Lucas really didn't care how Lana worded her question. He has more important things in mind.

"Listen carefully, all of you," Lucas warns. "I am here to help you regulate your pride."

A chorus of "huh"s and "what"s come from the warriors.

"In other words, you all are foolish, prideful, and ignorant to what is happening to your fellow warriors."

The battlefield is silent. Finally, Ruto exclaims, "How rude!" She pretty much summed up all their thoughts in a short, two-word exclamation.

Lucas smirks. He smugly retorts, "I know you are, but what am I?"

"Shut up!" Ganondorf exclaims. He materializes his swords from thin air and points them at Lucas.

Impa adds, "Soldier, that is no way to speak to your princess."

Lucas chuckles to himself. "Oh, but Princess Zelda with her current state of ignorance is no princess of mine. In fact, none of you even give the slightest thought to those who have fallen, and therefore do not deserve the respect of us whom have passed."

"I told you to SHUT UP!" Ganondorf exclaims. He swings his sword at the phantom man, only to be disappointed. Lucas, being a ghost, simply strides over Ganondorf using a faint breeze of his own creation. Ghirahim's cape gently sways in Lucas's breeze. Lucas lands just in front of Zelda. Those around Zelda back up, giving Lucas space.

Zelda slowly shakes her head, wondering what she did to make a once-gentle soul so angry and hateful. "Have we not mourned for those who have fallen? Has Hyrule forgotten to thank those who gave their lives to protect it?"

Lucas sighs, mumbling with a heavy tone, "Though most of us are humble, we feel as if the living are mourning for no particular life, but all of us in general. Are we all just… the same? Expendable?" This makes Zelda feel as if the ground has opened up underneath her.

Volga starts to walk off.

"Where are you going?" Lucas asks, immediately switching targets of concentration.

Volga grumbles and says, "This is a waste of my time."

"You arrogant fool!" With that, Lucas summons less than one twentieth of his army. Exactly one hundred ghost soldiers of every kind appear in Volga's way. Volga stops walking and turns pale. Agitha yelps in shock. That is when Link prepares himself for a brawl.

"That is the final straw," Lucas states. "Everyone, you can thank Volga for this little war. But remember, all of your actions accumulated, and Volga was the unlucky soul whose action was the last drop that caused the dam to collapse."

"This war starts here; the fallen versus all of you. If you're smart, then right now you'll spread yourselves out. I suggest one of you in each keep. Don't let us take all your keeps," Lucas instructs. Considering that Lucas just declared war on all of them, and unsure of what to do, they all scatter, heading for a keep. There is just enough keeps for all of them, Link getting the final keep. His is the one Lucas decides will signal the win.

And oh, this is too good. Despite losing his brain along with the rest of his body, Lucas can conceive some dreadful things. What is worse that the warriors' disrespect for the fallen is their disregard for each other. Maybe this little trick will make them consider how hard each other work.

…

Only seconds before the battle starts, the warriors' weapons shuffle. The first warriors the ghost army will battle are Zant and Ghirahim; the perfect starting challenge. Ghirahim finds himself holding Midna's hair tie, the Cursed Shackle. Zant finds himself with a different problem; his weapon has magically transformed into silver bracelets, otherwise known as Ruto's Silver Scale.

Utterly confused, the two look across their keeps at each other. Ghirahim mouths "what did you do?" Zant shrugs. Noticing incoming ghost soldiers, Ghirahim desperately attempts to figure out how to use Midna's weapon. Nothing happens when he puts it around his wrist and attempts to shoot dark magic from his fist. The shackle just ends up flying off his wrist. Zant has a tad more success getting his replacement weapon to work. As ghost soldiers charge into his keep, Zant throws both of his hands out in front of him. Instead of the intended effect of creating a wave of sea water, he creates a giant bubble of water around himself. He helplessly floats around in the water. Ghost soldiers now surround Ghirahim. Ghirahim finally realizes that the shackle is used in Midna's hair. Using that knowledge, he puts the shackle on his head. Nothing happens. The phantom armed forces laugh at the hapless demon lord. Ghirahim becomes aggravated. Under him, a Twilight portal open up, and Midna's Twilight wolf comes up under Ghirahim, carrying the demon with it.

Fi and Agitha are next. Fi only stares at Zant's scimitars, which lie on the ground in front of her. Her fatal flaw; she has no hands. Agitha can barely even lift Volga's Dragonbone Pike. Fi is forced to rely on her impeccable dancing skills, which seem to work somewhat, at least. This would be more effective if she could turn into her true form, but since that is considered her weapon, that ability has been taken from her. The ghost soldiers have a heck of a time just pushing Agitha around, using the weight of the Dragonbone Pike against her.

Cia, unwilling to throw her weight around, is practically spat at when trying to use Impa's Giant Knife. Volga has no control of when he turns into a sword, which is normally Fi's special ability. He can sure punch the ghosts, but when he turns into a flying sword, he helplessly flies around. Wizzro has no hand-to-hand combat training, relying on ranged magic attacks. Wielding Ghirahim's Demon Sword and having to use it is mortally shaking for the twisted wizard.

Ruto has no understanding of magic spells and how they work, so Lana's Spirit's Tome is only useful for smacking ghosts in the face with and blocking attacks. Darunia can hold Sheik's Harp in the palm of his hand. His fingers are so rough that when he tries to gently strum the strings, they snap. Darunia has to rely on his fists and rolling ability. Since the ghosts can just hide under the ground and return when they please, rolling isn't much help.

Watching Midna is the funniest part, according to Lucas. Midna was given Link's Sword and Shield. Confident in herself, she places the shield on her face and recklessly swings the sword around. The confusion wipes out a few soldiers, but an aerial attack is able to bring Midna down to size. Impa understands wearing jewelry, but she has never understood how wearing this ring gives Wizzro power. The magic works, but practically none of Impa's intended attacks work. Impa feels utterly defeated and ashamed. Lana can barely hold one of the Great Swords with one hand, but one sword in each hand is too heavy. Lana trips over her own weapon… or, Ganondorf's weapon.

The last three keeps are protected by Ganondorf, Zelda, and Link. Watching their fellow warriors be destroyed, some by their own attacks, has severely damaged their morale. Ganondorf doesn't even want to try to fight with Agitha's Butterfly Parasol. He just goes for his using his hands and feet. None of his magic is working, which seems to make him stumble. Lucas is pretty proud of himself for that one. Like most would suspect, Darunia's Hammer weighs more than Zelda does. Zelda is helpless. She just uses the hammer as a place to hide behind, not knowing what else to do.

Link summons all the courage he can to stand firm. He isn't the chosen wielder of the Triforce of Courage for nothing. Holding Cia's Scepter high, Link stares with determination at the army entering his keep. Lucas boldly steps to the front of his army.

"Go ahead, hero. Defeat me," Lucas's words are just mocking Link. Mimicking Cia's movements to the best of his ability, Link thrusts the scepter forward, hoping to have the spiked end poke the smug phantom captain in the eye. Instead, the string on the spiked end of the scepter rebounds, tying around Link's neck. Link pulls himself down.

Lucas is slightly disappointed. He was expecting more from these people.

The warriors run to gather at the base keep. Zelda helps Link untangle himself.

Ruto glares at Lucas. "You did this to us. You cheated!"

"Did I?" Lucas challenges. Considering there were no rules to how they could fight, Lucas has Ruto beat.

Zelda turns to Lucas once Link is no longer choking. She pleas, "Captain Licksby, please, give us another chance. We weren't ready."

Lucas thinks about the situation, and realizes that as of now, these warriors haven't learned anything. They've only made fools of themselves. Crushing their pride was only half of Lucas's mission. Right now, if he were to leave, the warriors would build their confidence back, and all of this would have been for nothing. Perhaps a second chance is what they need.

"Princess Zelda, I have decided amongst myself to give you all one last chance," Lucas confirms it. Zelda and some of the other warriors sigh in relief.

"Great," Volga dismisses it and moves on. "Now whoever has my Dragonbone Pike, give it back."

Lucas shakes his head. "No, Volga. None of you will be able to use your own weapons." In return, Lucas receives aghast expressions. He explains, "If I explained to you why I am doing this, your lesson would not be learned."

"What stupid lesson?" Ganondorf asks.

Lucas says, "That is for you to decide." His voice is full of wisdom. Instead of anger, he is communicating patience and understanding. Impa calms her mind, hoping that by listening, she will learn what fate has to teach her.

Lucas's smirk returns. "You have an hour before my army returns. Do what you must. Trust me, you don't want to lose." With that mysterious tone, he disappears.

…

The warriors have dragged the heavy weapons to the base. Darunia learned the hard way that Lucas wasn't kidding; the warriors are unable to use or even touch their personal weapons. Link, Lana, Zelda, and Impa bring their alternate weapons as well.

A moment of eerie silence fills the air, as nobody knows what to say. Finally, Cia asks, "Now what?"

Zelda shrugs in response. "I suppose we take the weapons and learn how to use them."

"Are you kidding?" Wizzro interjects. "It has taken some of us years to master our weaponry. We have less than an hour before the ghosts return."

Ruto states, "But learning a new weapon might be our only hope. We have to try."

Then, Darunia notices Link's Gauntlets. "Hey, Link, is that yours?" Link nods in response. Darunia picks up the chain connected to the heavy metal, spiked ball. Effortlessly, Darunia swings it. Ganondorf and Zant have to duck to avoid being whacked by it. He laughs as he slows to a stop.

Impa looks down at Volga's Dragonbone Pike. She remembers seeing her Naginata for the first time and how it vaguely resembles the pike. She slowly picks it up. Volga shifts uncomfortably, watching Impa take his weapon. She notices. Then, she demonstrates a few techniques with it. Steadily, other warriors start taking weapons similar to their own.

Zelda smiles. She says, "Ladies and gentlemen, there is hope for us yet."

…

Lucas and his army return to Hyrule Field after an hour. Personally, Lucas is excited to see what the warriors have done. He decided not to watch them the past hour, just so it was a fair fight. Plus, he likes surprises. One of the Bokoblin captains asks Lucas when to go. Lucas says that he will go to Zelda and ask if they are ready. When he returns, he tells his men to charge.

In the first keep, Zant stands. As the first ghost forces enter the keep, he starts spinning, using his own weight as a way to continue his motion. The weight of Ganondorf's Great Swords isn't too heavy to lift, but heavy enough to throw Zant's weight around. To Lucas's surprise, a good number of his men fall to Zant. Meanwhile, Ghirahim is causing an equal amount of carnage. Behind a sword himself, Fi's ability to change into a sword during battle is not a problem. Ghirahim quickly learns how to swing himself around. Lucas happens to overhear Zant complain about how much strain all this extra weight is putting on him. For Lucas, that seems like a step in the right direction.

Unlike before, Agitha is actually doing some brawling. Interestingly, she seems to enjoy using the Wind Waker to blow enemies around. She even used it to save a ladybug from getting squashed. Mission success! Fi is also doing some actually fighting. Being a spirit, Fi doesn't need to breath, giving her a distinct advantage when she creates a bubble of water around herself. Who knew that you could wear Ruto's Silver Scale around your ankles?

Volga is fighting is his comfort zone this time. Impa's Naginata might not be as long as he would like, but it certainly works just like his Dragonbone Pike. His confidence could carry him through a hurricane. In the closest keep, Wizzro is as equally happy. Lana's Spirit Tome uses magic which pushes enemies away. Perfect. And Cia, well, Cia is having one heck of a time. Ghirahim's Demon Sword is working quite nicely for her.

Lucas helplessly watches as Darunia swings the Gauntlets into his forces. Just the force of Darunia's swing with the Gauntlets would be enough to kill Gohma. Darunia might be having a little bit too much fun. Ruto is more graceful over at her keep. After an attack, she gently floats down to the ground with Agitha's Butterfly Parasol. Ruto has never been a fan of creepy crawlies, but these giant beetles aren't so bad.

Midna can actually see who she's hitting this time around. She may not be able to crush her enemies with her hair, but she is able to use dark magic. However, Wizzro's Ring is just a tad big for Midna's finger. Lana is actually the one smashing people with her hair. Wearing Midna's Cursed Shackle has given her sky blue hair almost a life of its own. Also, Lana loves that Twilight wolf. Impa is a machine with that Dragonbone Pike. It's heavy like her Giant Knife, but longer. Longer reach equals more destruction. Score!

By this time, Lucas is wondering if any of his men have made it to the last three keeps. Disappointingly, none of his men have made it to the last keeps. Ganondorf, Zelda, and Link are just relaxing. Ganondorf is actually doing pushups, but since he's got Darunia's Hammer, that extra muscle will come in handy. To Lucas's surprise, Zelda has Cia's Scepter. Right now, she is using it as a way to prop herself up. Finally, Link practices his swings in slow motion. Both hands are full with Zant's Scimitars. Lucas thinks this is an odd choice for Link, but whatever.

It takes a while, but finally, Lucas's men give out. They've never worked so hard in all their afterlife. Lucas is left on the battlefield with the victorious Hyrule warriors. For once, he is at peace.

The warriors and Lucas gather in the warriors' base. Lucas clears his throat, signifying that he is preparing to say something. "Well, it appears that my mission is complete."

There is a moment of silence. Finally, Agitha asks, "What exactly was your mission?"

"I have faith that you all have learned the intended lesson. By resorting to using each other's weapons, you have learned the hardships each other face, as well as have learned your similarities. Maybe from now on, you'll consider the lives of those who might be lugging a heavier weapon than you." Most of the warriors understand the figurative language. Fi is one of the warriors who has no idea what Lucas really meant by that.

As Lucas starts to fade away, Zelda holds out her hand and says, "Captain Licksby, are you leaving?"

Lucas nods.

Ruto asks, "Will we see you again?"

"Maybe," Lucas replies.

When Lucas is gone from sight, the warriors consider that the end of their adventure.

"Now," Ganondorf kills the moment. "What was I doing? Oh yeah! Zelda!" He turns. Looking at Zant, he yanks his swords out of the Twilight King's hands.

To everyone's surprise, Ganondorf cries in agony and drops the swords. What has just happened hits everyone like a rolled newspaper to the face. Ganondorf mutters, "The spell. We still can't wield our own weapons."

For a moment, time seems to stop.

"Lucas!"

"Come back!"

And so the search for Lucas R. Licksby the Hylian Captain Ghost begins.

Author's Notes- If I'm not mistaken, this is my longest one yet. I had so much to write with this one. I supposed Lucas is partially my OC; he's basically just a Hylian ghost with a name, personality, and a backstory. I didn't create the Hylian Ghost, but I did invent Lucas Licksby. This chapter took a lot of planning and sorting out, but I'd say it was worth it.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8- The Spinner

When you take the throne to your homeland, die, and then get resurrected by a greater power than you, you aren't generally welcome anywhere. Not even the princess of your own homeland likes you (which is to be expected if you cursed her once). But life's all good because you love yourself. You may not have been picked by your people to be the successor to the throne, but considering that you died and were resurrected, life is pretty good.

This is Zant. He goes by many titles and nicknames. He responds to Twilight King, Twili King, Usurper King, General Z, and Nicky. (Call him that last one, and the following events will happen: he ceases whatever he was just doing to stare at you, questions where you heard that name, questions why you just called him that, punches you in the face, calls his mom on the nearest phone to ask why she told anybody that childhood nickname, punches his mom through the phone, and finally continues with life like all of that never happened. Oh, and if he doesn't hate you already, he hates you now.)

Ghirahim the Demon Lord is Zant's only friend. Ganondorf, Zant's master, hates Zant's personality, and therefore hates Zant. He has also made positively sure that Zant knows this fact. Cia tried to befriend Zant, but she ultimately decided that Zant wasn't worth her time. It might have been something Zant said about her thighs, but that is history that nobody is proud of. Volga hates anyone who cheats in battle with him, which Zant did by flooding the area during the battle, knowing that Volga relies on fire. Ever since, Volga double checks a battlefield before asking to do battle with an opponent. And finally, Wizzro thinks Zant is generally disturbing to look at, and therefore wants nothing to do with the Usurper King. Plus, Wizzro once had a nightmare about Zant and you-know-who. Nothing has ever scared Wizzro more than that nightmare.

For the most part, the past week has been a pretty average week. Zant has lost a few battles, won a battle (note that he wasn't the commander of the forces for that battle), missed breakfast on Wednesday, ate two lunches on Friday, lost his left shoe on Tuesday during his daily training (note that he still hasn't found it), didn't have an umbrella during the downpour on Thursday, earned a few bucks by mowing the lawn for a blind man, earned a few bucks from Ghirahim for covering for him, and danced with Ruto and Darunia on Sunday. Don't ask why for that last part. The highlight of his week is when he was running through the Valley of Seers and stopped to pick up the ringing payphone. The call wasn't for him. Apparently some guy named Galacta Knight from Popstar called the wrong number. Zant gets a kick out of wrong numbers.

It is Monday morning, the start of a new week. Zant crashed in Gerudo Desert last night, so it's no surprise that he woke up with sand in his helmet. After cracking his neck and knees during stretches, Zant sets out to grab a bite to eat. He's always hungry. He steps into a keep, not really knowing where he is going. Unfortunately, he steps in the rotting remains of a Icy Big Poe. Both shoes (he has an extra set of shoes just for special cases like what happened on Tuesday last week) soak into the gooey, cold corpse. You'd think a corpse in the desert would be mushy and warm, but Icy Big Poe corpses are different. They slowly melt away like a snowman at the brink of spring. Instead of water, they melt into ooze that sticks to you like glue but is as slick as oil. Realizing what he stepped in, Zant decides that he isn't hungry for once.

Zant manages to step out of the melting corpse. A split second after pulling both feet out of the corpse and setting them on the sand, Zant falls onto his backside. As he tries to stand up again, his feet fall out from under him. The same thing would happen if you stuck Zant on a frozen lake. If Ghirahim was with Zant on a frozen lake, the result would be even more hilarious.

Several failed attempts to stand up and walk normally lead to lots of bruises. Eventually, Zant learns that his current strategy isn't working. He can stand up; he just can't walk because his feet slip in all different directions. Being the clever genius that Zant is, he stands and starts skating on the sand as if he was at a skating rink. Awesome! Getting across the desert to find Ghirahim and Ganondorf should be faster than ever.

…

Ghirahim sits on the wall of a keep, admiring the early morning sun. The temperature is perfect. As much as he loves chaos and death, the other side of him loves the peace of the morning sun. Ghirahim is actually a pretty well-rounded guy if you just get to know him. He would show his nicer side more often, but it makes him embarrassed, being Demise's sword and all.

Ghirahim enjoyed the peace while it lasted. The peace is destroyed when his 'buddy' Zant literally skates into the keep flailing his arms and screaming like a cartoon character in rocket boots. Ghirahim would have taken a picture for the scrap book, but he didn't have his camera on him.

Ganondorf is in the keep. He was waiting for both of his minions to get there. Zant is always the one he's waiting for. Today, the Twilight King was so excited that he couldn't stop. Ganondorf literally has to pick up his table and lift it high so Zant didn't bash into it. Instead, the Twilight King bashes into the wall. Ghirahim laughs.

Ganondorf pulls his Twili off the wall and sets him in front of him. He asks, "Zant, is there any particular reason you wanted to bash into my table?"

"No sir," Zant explains. "I just literally couldn't stop."

Ganondorf looks down at Zant's shoes. A blue goo covers the metal clogs on Zant's feet.

"You stepped in a dead Icy Big Poe, didn't you?"

Zant shrugs, ashamed.

Ghirahim comes up from behind, ready to humiliate Zant even more. "Would you like me to get the camera and take a picture for the scrap book? This is a classic moment that we don't want to ever forget."

Ganondorf shakes his head. "First off, it's a visual record book. Second, it's to record our victories only. Remember? If by the end of the year we can prove all of our victories, and prove that we're better than Cia, then she and her minions will serve me."

Ghirahim and Zant nervously exchange glances. They've been using it as a photo album for all of their memorable moments. Like the time they got high on sugary cookies. They kept those really embarrassing photos just so when they look back, they can remember how stupid they once were. Ah, good times.

Ganondorf starts searching through the secret chest of stuff he's collected in their battles. It's full of valuables. "Now, speaking of that record book, I need to add our most recent victory pictures to it. You know, like the last victory picture; the one where Ghirahim is standing on Lana's back."

"Actually," Ghirahim interrupts, "Wouldn't it just be more beneficial to buy a special record book for events where one page has the photo and the next has the name of the event and so on?"

"This one was on sale. Record books aren't cheap, you know."

Zant takes over the mission to at least postpone Ganondorf from seeing the album. "Perhaps we should wait to start filling the album until we know how we want to organize it. We should wait until the end of the year to collect all of the victory pictures so we can organize them. We could have our favorite victory at the end."

Ghirahim adds, "Yeah, like the icing on the cake sort of thing."

Ganondorf considers this. He slowly nods and says, "That isn't a bad idea. I will consider that." A sigh of relief emits from both of Ganondorf's minions.

Just then, the Dinolfos Captain leads his army of Dinolfos towards Ganondorf. They're tired of Ganondorf ordering them around like they're expendable.

Dinolfos aren't exactly familiar with the element of surprise. "Alright Ganondorf, we've got you surrounded!" yells the Dinolfos Captain into a megaphone.

"Uh oh," Ghirahim states, "I'd bet Wizzro has turned the Dinolfos against us to get his revenge on me."

"What'd you do to him this time?" Zant asks.

"I tricked him into putting his hands on Volga's weapon, which I cleverly put glue on," Ghirahim responds, smiling with pride.

"Ah man, I wish I had some butter," Zant comments, "Because you're toast."

"Just shut up you two. The Dinolfos have been planning this rebellion since last month. Plus, Wizzro couldn't have swayed the Dinolfos within three days. The Dinolfos are too stubborn."

"Oh, ok." Ghirahim dismisses the subject. But then he realizes something. "Wait, how'd you know I did that little stunt three days ago?" Zant starts laughing.

Ganondorf takes out his own megaphone and says into it, "Turn back now. Trust me, you really don't want to mess with us."

The Dinolfos keep coming. "Ok, they asked for this." With that, Ganondorf grabs Zant to start an attack. He sets Zant up straight, positions Zant's arms so they are straight out to the sides, puts Zant's Scimitars in Zant's hands, and prepares for action.

"No wait!" It's too late. Ganondorf spins Zant like a top. Like the blade of a bender broke free, Zant spins out of the keep and plows through the Dinolfos army.

It takes a few minutes, but the Dinolfos finally start to retreat. Zant is still spinning.

"Alright, they're retreating. You can stop spinning now. Seriously, you're making me dizzy," Ganondorf tells Zant.

Zant starts to spin away. "I can't stop!" Zant spins through the desert and far away from the keep. Ghirahim asks if they should go after him, but Ganondorf was too busy daydreaming about Zant spinning off a cliff to hear.

…

Midna is at Lake Hylia enjoying a nice morning stroll. The water looks so inviting that she thinks she might come back to swim when it gets warmer outside.

The peace doesn't last long. Zant comes up fast, spinning like a top. Midna rolls her eyes. Just when she gets a moment free from that bug-enthusiastic girl, the traitor that stole her kingdom and cursed her the first time comes roaring in.

Oddly enough, Zant is able to lean from side to side to control what direction he wants to go. Standing straight doesn't stop him from spinning, but it makes him stationary. He stops about ten feet from Midna, as to not to scare her away or put her on the defensive side. Perhaps Midna can use that hair hand of hers to stop him.

Midna only stares in confusion at the Twilight King. His voice sounds like he's speaking through a fan, but she can still pick up the words "help me stop spinning" in that order. The power of suggestion makes Midna's eyes follow one of Zant's blades. Her visible eye quickly travels back and forth following the path of the right-hand scimitar. Eventually, when she wants to stop, she can't. She has to close her eyes and let her vision realign before opening her eyes again.

Then Midna thinks of something witty and insulting to say. She smirks at the thought of it. "So Zant, I see you've taken up ballet. Your teacher must be so proud; your spin is flawless."

Zant frowns under his helmet. His plea for help isn't being taken seriously. How infuriating. And hurtful.

When Zant doesn't stop spinning and doesn't attack, Midna gets a feeling that he really can't stop. If she stops him, and it was all a trick to catch her off guard, she'll be really mad. She mentally weighs her options. On one hand, she could stop him, and he'd be grateful. On the other hand, she could stop him, it could be a trick, and she would have fallen for it. A third option would to be ignore him and go on with life. She'd feel guilty though if she just leaves him and he's just spinning for days on end. What would Link do?

Sigh. What is wrong with her? Careful not to rip Zant's arm off, Midna slowly reaches with her hair hand to grab his arm and slowly halt him. Unfortunately, the sheer speed of Zant's spinning pulls Midna off her feet. Like being caught in a blender, Midna swings by her hair around in circles. The centripetal force is insane.

Feeling as if all the weight of the world flies down to her feet, Midna is forced to release her grip. She goes flying into Lake Hylia. No progress was made; Zant is still hopelessly spinning.

Midna swims to the surface of the lake. On the shore, she notices that Zant is still spinning. Looking back, spinning like that was kind of fun. But needless to say, now she is determined to stop Zant. She swims to the shore.

This time, Midna uses the arms connected to her shoulders to grab Zant. The same results happen, only this time she goes flying at a trajectory that is more upward than the last one. She is able to stop herself in the air before bashing into the rock wall. The exhilaration from the G-force is overwhelming. Zant is a living amusement park ride! Great Sols, her friends have to try this! Midna creates a Twilight portal under Zant, and the two travel to their next destination.

Agitha chases after a very odd butterfly. Why is it odd? Nobody knows.

A portal opens up a very short distance from Agitha, and she stops, instantly switching targets of attention. She screams and falls back when a twirling Zant springs from the portal. Midna follows.

Getting up in Agitha's face, Midna exclaims with enthusiasm, "Agitha! You have to try this! Just grab on and spin!"

"What?! I'm not a ride!" Of course, nobody listens to Zant's screams.

Agitha gets up and watches as Zant helplessly spins in circles. Agitha doesn't know whether to be scared, humored, or feel sorry for him.

Midna then demonstrates how to get a ride. For the third time, Midna grabs onto Zant only to be taken along with him. When she releases, she goes flying over Agitha's head, laughing all the way.

The demonstration makes Agitha's brain produce chemicals that make her excited and blissful. She too latches onto the Twilight King for a spin. Like Midna, she is flung off, flying far, but is able to catch herself and land gently with her parasol. She loses all the jars in her basket, though. But who cares; that was fun!

Within the next twenty minutes, Midna takes Zant to several different places so her friends can try this exciting ride. Zelda, Lana, Fi, Link, and even Wizzro got a chance to ride. The only one who didn't like it was Proxi, who rode with Link. She said it made her feel like she was being drug underwater by a whirlpool. Link paid no mind to her pleas and rode Zant seven times.

Lana suggested that Ruto get a chance to ride since she was feeling down lately. Midna thought it was a great idea, and she takes Zant to Death Mountain.

At Death Mountain, Darunia flees from Ruto, who has been complaining about the migration of tuna for the past fifteen minutes. She says the stink up her lake when they come, but then the lake has an overpopulation of other annoying fish when they leave. Darunia has no experience living with fish at all, so he can't relate to Ruto. When she was talking to him with her back turned, he snuck off.

That's when Midna appears. "Darunia, have you seen Ruto?"

Oh no! She must want him to sit there and listen to Ruto some more. "Nope, haven't seen her. Maybe she died."

Midna is only slightly disturbed. She quickly shakes off that comment to speak of something only slightly less important than Ruto's supposed death. "Hey Darunia, want to try something fun?"

Darunia shrugs. Eating is fun. Rolling around is fun. Dancing is fun. Smashing stuff with giant hammers is fun. Not much else in the world is fun.

"Then you have to try this! Just grab onto his arm and hang on; it's awesome!"

Now Zant knows his arms are going to come off.

Not willing to argue with Midna, Darunia slowly reaches of Zant. When his giant fingers go around Zant's arm, Zant instantly stops. The ear-splitting snap that is heard is only Zant's arm becoming dislodged from the shoulders and stuck in between two of his back ribs. He doesn't feel a thing because of extreme nausea.

Midna is aghast. "Darunia! Now I can't ride anymore!"

Extremely disoriented, Zant starts to sway as he clumsily takes steps forward. He falls on top of Midna, taking them both to the ground. Zant's arm seems to be sticking out of his back. Darunia doesn't know anything about the skeleton, but he does know that Zant's arm shouldn't be sticking out of his back. Feeling guilty and extremely disgusted by the sight of it, Darunia puts Zant on his feet and preforms minor surgery. No tools needed; he just uses his brute strength to relocate Zant's arm back into place. The operation is extremely painful to Zant, but he's just thankful that he's stopped spinning, so all the pain is worth it. After saying thanks to Darunia and kicking Midna in the nose for riding him like a go-cart, Zant teleports back to Gerudo Desert to tell Ghirahim the tale.

…

"So that's what happened."

"What? I wasn't listening. I started dreaming about myself after you said something about Midna."

Zant just retold this entire story from when he started spinning to right now. Unfortunately, he told most of it to the air because Ghirahim spaced off. Zant doesn't even want to bother.

Ghirahim puts his hand on Zant's injured shoulder. Zant retracts in pain. Ghirahim skips the friendly gesture and says, "Well, whatever happened to you, I'm glad you're back. G Boss (Ghirahim's nickname for Ganondorf) had a conflict with Ruto, and now we've got a battle in thirty minutes."

"Despite my arm, I am fit for duty."

"That is fabulous."

"But, I could have sworn Darunia said something about Ruto's death."

"Ruto died?"

"I don't know."

As his minions were chatting, Ganondorf was looking through the valuables chest. He finally found what he was looking for. Looking through it, he can see that he definitely missed a few things.

"Ghirahim, Zant, explain something to me, please," Ganondorf turns to his minions.

Ganondorf's minions turn to Ganondorf, completely clueless right now.

Ganondorf holds up the battle record book. That's what it was supposed to be, at least. He asks, "Do you wish to tell me about the adventures you had in which you've put photos of in my record book?" He holds up the album and opens it, flipping through pages and showing his minions.

"UH… that's not us," Ghirahim's voice trembles. They both feel as if they are melting into piles of goo. Zant really wishes he just didn't get up today.

Ganondorf cracks his knuckles.

Ghirahim cries, "You have a battle in thirty minutes!" Maybe Ganondorf will reconsider doling out pain until the end of the battle.

"Don't worry," Ganondorf explains so calmly. "Thirty minutes will be just enough time."

Let's just say that today wasn't a day Zant wishes to record in the scrap book.

Author's Notes- I feel like I just made Ghirahim and Zant look like complete idiots. Perhaps I went a tad overboard with the ridiculous factor. In game, before update 1.4.0, it was possible to glitch Zant and cause him to endlessly spin. This glitch is named "Zant Blender", and it was the inspiration for this chapter. The games updates have fixed the glitch since then, but the memory of it will live on. By the time I unlocked Zant, the game's updates had already fixed this glitch, so I never got a chance to preform this glitch myself. I just did random research, found it, and thought it was funny. Ah, the joy of random research.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9- Just a Date

Proxi isn't exactly what you would call "assistant". She's more of that enthusiastic friend that follows you around and tries their very hardest to get you out of your comfort zone. Don't look at those friends the wrong way; they simply care about you and want you to live life to the fullest. For a while, Proxi has been studying Link's interaction with Zelda, and she thinks it's time to take their relationship to the next level.

Like always, Link is up at 6 in the morning, ready to start the day with vigorous training. If his previous carnations were more like him, perhaps they'd get more done in their lives. Proxi doesn't wake up until about 8:15 every morning, but then again, she goes to bed three hours after Link does. Well, normally she goes to bed three hours after Link. Sometimes there is a party, in which the warriors all just party hard until they crash. Once it gets really late, they start a contest to see who can stay up the latest. At the last party, Ruto was the last warrior standing. She just barely outlast Darunia, who finally crashed after eating the last of his candied-rocks. The highlight of that party was definitely when Midna was riding on Link's shoulders, both of them fell asleep, and when Link fell over, Midna landed in the punch bowl. Proxi got a kick out of that.

Proxi enters the courtyard. Link trains with a Hylian Captain. "Hey Link, come here!" Proxi commands. She receives a glare from Link, and he then resumes his training.

"Link! Gah! Ok, please take a break from that crazy maneuver you're practicing and come talk to me for a moment." Link has been trying to teach Proxi some manners. He's a person too, you know.

Link puts his sword away and walks over to Proxi.

"Ok Link," Proxi starts to explain. "I have decided to help you."

Link is automatically confused.

"Don't look so confused. I'm going to give you guidance so you can effectively ask Zelda on a date!"

Link flinches, caught by surprise. He wasn't planning on asking Zelda on a date, not today, and not anytime soon. He prefers not to say anything, so to respond to Proxi, he just shakes his head.

Proxi is determined. "What do you mean 'no'? You know you want to. I mean, seriously, your conversations with Zelda are becoming awkward, which means it's time to level up."

Sigh. Proxi and her goofy gaming references. It's like she thinks they're all video game characters. Then Link remembers that they live in medieval times, so technically, video games don't exist. Speaking of that, the strange technologies that keep appearing in their kingdom are seriously confusing the warriors. Zelda nearly jumped out of her skin when Ganondorf's voice came through a cell phone. Thinking that Ganondorf was in the cell phone, Impa took it from Zelda flung it out the window. Poor, unsuspecting Link got hit in the head with it. But that is beside the point.

"Link, focus," Proxi calls Link back to the matter at hand. "Today is the day I help you ask Zelda on a date."

Once again, Link just shakes his head. However, there is a slightly more desperate feel to his head-shaking this time.

Proxi knows that going against Link's wishes would be a very jerk thing to do, so she resorts to pleading. Maybe he'll give her idea a shot. She starts to become whiney and says, "But Link, I've thought about this forever! I know this will work. Just give it a shot. Don't do it for yourself or Zelda, just do it for me."

Considering that all of Proxi's plans go awry, Link figures that her plan will fail, and the absolute worst that could happen is Zelda gets the wrong message and becomes incredible confused. The same thing happened when Proxi tried to turn Zelda and her forces against Wizzro. According to Proxi's confession after the whole scenario, she and Wizzro had a quarrel, and Proxi was determined to get an army on her side, but nobody would take her seriously. How awful her plan went has to be one of the funniest misunderstandings Link ever had the pleasure of witnessing. That's a story for another time. In the present day, though, Link agrees to go along with Proxi's plan. Humiliation is totally worth not having to listen to Proxi complain for the next three days straight.

"You're the best, Link! You're going to have the best date with Zelda, I'm sure of it. Now c'mon! I can't wait!" She flies off cheerfully. This is the best mood she's been in since witnessing Ganondorf get his just desserts. Literally. That is also a story for another time.

…

Zelda takes a stroll outside the castle. The morning breeze is perfect.

"Good morning! Princess Zelda, wait up for us!" Proxi calls from behind.

Zelda turns around and watches Link casually stroll up to her. Proxi comes out of his hat, which is unusual. Zelda greets them. "Good morning Link. Good morning Proxi. How are you?"

"I am wonderful. Thank you for asking."

Zelda nods once with a pleasant smile.

Proxi can't wait any longer. She sets the scene. "So, Zelda, just between you and me, Link can't stop thinking about you. You're such an honor to fight for." Link starts to blush. This wasn't what he was expecting Proxi to do.

Zelda starts to blush, too. "Well Link, it's an honor to have you fighting alongside me."

Perfect! This is exactly what Proxi had planned so far. She continues, "And, you know, Link isn't much of a talker, but if he was, I can't help but feel as if he would talk to you for hours."

Zelda giggles. "I'm sure. He probably has a lot of great stories to tell."

"Uh huh," Proxi agrees. Now down to the point; "So Zelda, on Link's behalf, I would like to-,"

Link uses his scarf to smother Proxi. If he knew that she would set him up like this, he would have smothered her a long time ago.

Zelda is shocked, but she thinks she knows what's going on. "UM, Link, is Proxi trying to set you up on a date with me?"

Link has Proxi pinned to the ground under his scarf. He looks up at Zelda, giving her an expression which communicates that he's sorry for the inconvenience.

Zelda smiles, "Well, Link, I'd be honored to go on a date with you. I'm free tonight, if that's alright."

Link's heart stops. She just accepted an invitation to a date that he didn't give. Proxi wriggles her way out from under the scarf. "That's wonderful! How's about dinner at Lake Hylia around sunset? Dinner's on Link."

"That's perfect," Zelda confirms. After saying bye, Zelda blissfully continues her walk, now with plans for dinner tonight.

Link scrambles to his feet. That stupid fairy is going to get it for that!

"See Link, I told you my plan would work. Now you have a date with Zelda. Level up!" Proxi now feels accomplished in life. Unfortunately, now she also feels her adrenaline pumping. She has to flee before Link rips her wings off.

…

Cia waters the flowers at the East Garden Keep at the Temple of Souls. Her favorite flowers are the roses with the poisonous thorns. They remind her of herself; gorgeous, but dangerous.

Volga and Wizzro enter the keep. Volga interrupts Cia's quiet moment by asking, "Shall we plan our next assault on Hyrule?"

Cia ponders this for a moment, but then says, "Planning is so much work. Perhaps this time we should just freelance an attack. Both of you seem to perform better by just following your instincts."

"UH… great," Volga responds. "My instincts are telling me that tonight is perfect for an attack."

"Mine as well, Volga. Mine as well."

Wizzro shakes his head with a few 'tsk's here and there.

Cia faces Wizzro. "Is there are problem?"

"What fun is attacking Hyrule when the princess and the hero are busy elsewhere?"

Cia is confused. "What do you mean by that?"

Wizzro shrugs. "Eh, never mind. I understand that both of them are nuisances, and that having them away will make it much easier to overrun the castle." He turns to Volga. "Got any strategies?"

"Wizzro, what do you know that I don't?" Cia isn't suggesting that Wizzro spill the beans; she's commanding him to.

Wizzro decides to divulge before things get ugly. "It might interest you to know that Link and Zelda will be away on a date tonight at Lake Hylia. I must say, the weather will be perfect, and the sunset will be breathtaking."

"WHAT?!" Cia is aghast. Her screech causes a ringing in Volga's ears. He is pretty sure his hearing his slowly deteriorating.

"Ugh. Do I really need to repeat myself? I mean seriously, just pay attention the first time," Wizzro states. He has a knack for saying things that make angry people even angrier, and aggravating people to the core is fun! It's especially funny making Ghirahim mad. Ghirahim's facial expressions are the best.

"Wizzro, how long have you known that Zelda was going on a date with Link?" Just the sheer intimidating tone of Cia's voice makes the flowers whither with fear. When Cia uses a name with that tone, you know that you're in for a terrible beating. Wizzro is just glad she was asking a question about Zelda and not him with that tone.

Wizzro replies, "J-just since this morning, Cia. I was doing a little spy work, and I happened to overhear Zelda and Link's conversation."

Cia asks, "Wait, so Link actually talks to her?"

"No. He didn't say a word. That irritating fairy of his did all the talking for him."

Volga then thinks of a way to insult his colleague. "You really get your strings pulled by that fairy. If you two argued all the time, I'd think there was something between you two."

For once, Wizzro is aggravated by Volga. He narrows his one red eye at Volga and says, "If you don't shut up right now, I'll-," His threat is cut off by Cia walking up to them, turning them around, and pushing them out of the keep.

"W-where are we going?" Volga asks.

"I won't stand for that hollow princess receiving all of Link's attention. This date has to be stopped, and you two are going to help me stop it."

…

Faron Woods has a faithful protector, and that faithful protector so cheerfully patrols the forest. She is stopped when her other half comes for a visit. She looks completely miffed.

"Hi Cia. What's up?"

"The worst event since when I resurrected Wizzro."

"Excuse me, I'm right here." Volga and Wizzro were forced to follow Cia here. What's worse is that they are forced to follow Cia regardless.

Lana can't help but chuckle a little. "Resurrecting is a little bit of an exaggeration. You just simply freed him from his ring imprisonment again. By the way, Wizzro, you make a beautiful piece of jewelry." Lana is in such a good mood today. She wants to spread her joy to the world, even to people like the twisted wizard. It's like nothing can ruin her day.

"Lana, this is serious!" Cia yells. "Link has a date with Zelda tonight!"

Lana's happiness is crushed like a bug under Darunia's foot. "Link and Zelda are going on a date?" Her child-like innocence combined with the sudden breaking of her heart would make anybody feel bad for her.

"Cia, you just tore her innocent heart into a billion pieces. What is wrong with you?" Wizzro states.

"And we thought we were heartless," Volga adds. The two are feeling very uncharacteristic today. Cia looks back at them over her shoulder, very confused.

Cia then turns her attention back to Lana. "Lana, we have to stop this."

"But, why? If they want to go on a date, let them."

Cia growls. "You just don't get it. It should be one of us going on a date with Link. You know that you want to be the one that Link adores. You know that you want to be the one to have Link's kids. You know that-,"

"Please stop. We get the big picture," Volga interrupts. The thought of love makes him sick.

Lana shakes her head. "Cia, I thought we went over this before you died. Remember?"

"Some of us wish you were still dead," Wizzro mumbles to himself. Cia heard and whips her head around. "I didn't just say that!" Wizzro throws his hands over his mouth. Volga bursts into hysterical laughter. Feeling as if there are more important matters at hand than turning Wizzro back into jewelry, Cia turns her attention back to Lana.

Lana says, "Cia, let him go. There is nothing we can do about it."

"Yes there is," Cia refuses to give up. "If Link doesn't choose us, then we can at least make sure he doesn't get another girl." With that, Cia whips around and storms out of Faron Woods.

Volga says to Wizzro as they follow Cia, "You know, if Cia was still dead, you would be stuck as a ring."

"Not if Ganondorf got a hold of me. You would take me to Ganondorf if Cia was dead and I was a ring, right?"

"No."

…

Now, Proxi prides herself in keeping in touch. If Hyrule had computers and the internet, Proxi would have a blog. Since Hyrule doesn't have computers, and Proxi's blog is non-existent, she shares her gossip another way. All of the fairies believe communication is the key to keeping peace, so therefore, they are at the center of everything. Proxi gathers her fairy friends, and a game of telephone starts.

The most popular of the fairies is Navi, and she takes the gossip to Darunia. Darunia then relays the news to the goron news team, who is more than happy to post anything on the daily newspaper. Meanwhile, another fairy takes news to the Twilight Realm. Normally, Agitha is the first to hear, but of course, Zant tries to get a sneak peak every once in a while. Finally, one last fairy takes Proxi's gossip to Skyloft, where Fi and Ghirahim always get the inside scoop.

Ruto makes her way to Death Mountain. Recently, the gorons have been coming down from the mountain to bathe in a river which leads right into Zora's Domain. Ruto's trip to the mountain is personal; she really doesn't want to swim in mud-infested waters.

As Ruto approaches, Darunia starts his trip down the mountain. Their paths cross. "Excuse me, Darunia, but can you tell your people to find another place to bathe? When they bathe in the river, the dirt all over them flows down the river and into my domain."

"Can this wait, Ruto? I'm kind of busy," Darunia hastily explains. He walks around Ruto and continues on his way.

Ruto is aghast. "UM, excuse me, but you are going to stay here and listen to me. I am a princess."

Darunia stops and faces the Zora princess. "I'm a chieftain. Your point is?"

Ruto stomps over to Darunia, entering his personal space. She asks, "What is so important that you just waltz past me like I'm not even here? I wanna know."

"Haven't you heard?" Darunia inquires. "Link's got a date."

Ruto gives Darunia a look that implies that she is mortally shocked.

Darunia waves his hand in front of Ruto's face. She frowns at him and says, "I can see you just fine. You know, the hero of my time took my stone; he owes me a marriage."

"Wait, you're engaged to Link?" This is new information to Darunia. Personally, he doesn't think that relationship will last.

"Yes I am," Ruto states in a matter-of-factly manner. "Our Link didn't marry me, and that I allowed. However, I'm not going to let him get past me twice. I'm taking this Link for myself."

Darunia smiles in amusement. He asks, "And how are you going to do that?"

"Isn't it obvious? He won't be able to resist me!"

Oh boy, this is going to be a long day.

…

Zant proudly strides into Twilight Palace with a bit of information up his sleeve. Working in the castle for some time before he actually took over, he knows where all the guards are placed and how to get past them. When he does accidentally bump into a guard, he just bribes them. This Twili has got the swag.

Midna happily floats above the throne. It is a casual day, so Midna is being… well, casual. That is, until Zant strides into the throne room like he owns the place. First Midna wonders how Zant got past all the guards. Next, she just scowls and decides to take care of this the old fashion way.

"What do you want, and how can I get you to leave?" Midna questions with a tone that makes her words sting like poison.

Zant chuckles. "Oh, I'm not here to partake in rash actions. I merely have some… intriguing information, and I thought I'd share it with you."

Midna sighs. "I don't want to play badminton with you and Ghirahim. You guys play worse than Fi, and she doesn't even have hands."

"What? No! No more badminton!" Zant exclaims, scaring Midna a little. "I just heard that Link and Zelda are going on a late."

Midna is confused. "Going on a late? What are they late for?"

"Did I say 'late'? Sorry, I meant to say 'date'. I really need to see an orthodontist or something. Volga might have broken my jaw." Zant corrects himself. He then proceeds to adjust his jawline after his helmet retracts.

Midna now realizes the seriousness of the situation. Why Zant wanted to tell her this, she has no clue, but if Link is going on a date with Zelda, then this is serious. She needs to find a way to lift her curse and use her charm to woo Link. Link would make the perfect Twilight King. But first, he needs to see how awesome she is.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank you Zant," Midna says. She flies as fast as she can towards the door. Zant turns towards her and admits that he's awesome. Midna responds with, "You're not awesome, but you may have just opened up the first step to giving our kingdom a new king. If you do anything to my castle, I'll kill you." With that, Midna teleports away.

It takes a moment, but then Zant realizes what Midna just so obscurely claimed. "WHAT?! Link can't be the king! I'M THE KING!" He may not be related to the royal family, but he's earned the throne fair and square. He's got to do something, quick!

…

Cia and Wizzro sneak past the corner, careful not to let Zelda see them. Zelda could have sworn she saw something purple out of the corner of her eye, but she dismisses it, going into her room. Just moments ago, Cia and Wizzro disposed of Zelda's dresses. Cia knows that all women want to look their best on dates, and if Zelda has nothing to wear, then she won't want to go on the date.

"It's brilliant!" Cia exclaims, thinking about her plan. Wizzro shushes her, which normally would earn him a one-way ticket to pain. The only difference is that this time, they need to be quiet.

After a moment of nothing happening, Wizzro can't help but inquire, "Cia, I don't see how this is going to work."

Cia whispers, "Well idiot, think about it this way; if you couldn't find your robes, you wouldn't go into battle, right?" Wizzro would retort, but Cia has a point there. He simply nods.

Another moment passes. Cia asks, "Wait, where's Volga?" Wizzro then starts to search for Volga. He doesn't have to search for long. Zelda screams at a pitch seemingly high enough to break glass, but no windows shatter, thankfully. Then the sounds of things being flung across the room and things shattering start to come from Zelda's room. Cia and Wizzro watch as Volga stumbles out of the room and into the hallway. One of Zelda's shoes hits him in the back of the head as he tries to stand.

Wizzro laughs hysterically. Impa heard the commotion and runs through the castle to aid the princess. Cia makes herself scarce, leaving her minions. Volga dashes around the corner and past Wizzro. He has to stop, having Impa in his way. Without hesitation, Impa starts to attack the minions.

Cia waits ten minutes outside the castle. Finally, she watches Volga launch himself out a castle window, catching himself by morphing into his dragon form. Wizzro escapes Impa's wrath by exiting through the floor and reappearing beside Cia outside the castle. Volga morphs into his humanoid form beside his mistress and fellow minion.

"Volga, you should know better than to watch a girl undress," Cia comments. She doesn't really know what Volga did to make Zelda scream, but that's her best guess.

"What?! I did no such thing!" Volga defends. Wizzro is laughing so hard that he is seemingly going to combust. Volga is hoping confetti will spew from him. Instead of arguing, Cia just walks away. Now it's time to mess with Link.

Wizzro composes himself. He turns to Volga. "You were busted big time, my dimwitted dragon fellow."

"OH, like you're any better. You shouldn't be laughing, because one of these days, I'll be on your end of this situation."

"Hey, I wouldn't be caught dead in Zelda's room."

"That could be arranged." Volga threatens. "Also, that wasn't what I was referring to. Don't think I can't hear you late at night. The day Cia catches you is the day that my life is complete."

Wizzro laughs. "OH please. Your threats don't scare me. I can see right through you."

Unfortunately for Wizzro, Volga knows that Wizzro's confident demeanor is just a fake. He turns around and runs after Cia. "Cia! I've got something to tell you!"

"No! Volga!" Wizzro chases after Volga.

…

That same day at sunset, Link waits at Lake Hylia for Zelda to arrive. Cia tried her very best, but she couldn't stop Link from making dinner for Zelda. Her minions were no help; in the kitchen, Volga actually fixed what Link messed up, and Wizzro just ended up burning himself on the stove. Then they started beating each other up with kitchen utensils. Sometimes Cia swears that the only reason they're still alive is because she watches out for them.

Zelda rushes to meet up with Link at Lake Hylia. Though all of her dresses were missing for some reason, Impa just happened to save the day with a special dress. Impa's grandmother gave Impa her wedding dress, and Impa let Zelda borrow it. Before she put it on, Zelda promised Impa that she'd be extra careful not to get anything on the dress. The flowing garment fits Zelda perfectly, and as Zelda hurries to meet up with Link, the dress dreamily blows in the wind.

Link stands with a basket of food at his feet on the edge of Lake Hylia. Zelda calls to him as she rushes to meet him. At only a few feet away, Zelda trips on a rock, but Link is able to catch her.

Zelda looks up at Link. "Thank you. I'm so clumsy." Link shakes his head in response. He doesn't think Zelda is clumsy. He's the one that's clumsy. One time, he was spinning in battle, and his shield flew off his back hitting poor Agitha in the back of the head. She was out for that battle. Zelda's never done anything so embarrassing, except for maybe the time she turned around thinking Lana was there and instead yelled into Ganondorf's chest. That's a story for another time, perhaps.

Link and Zelda take a seat on the edge of the lake. Zelda makes sure to sit a little ways away from the water for the sake of Impa's dress. Link offers Zelda a bread roll. She politely declines, wanting to catch her breath before eating.

"This is nice, Link. I haven't gotten to spend quality time with you." Zelda says. Link agrees, and then notices how pretty Zelda looks with her hair blowing in the wind. Maybe Proxi knew what she was doing after all.

Zelda looks at Link and quietly says, "I've never had a chance to personally thank you for working so hard to protect Hyrule. You truly are a hero." Link smiles in response. He starts to blush.

Proxi can't wait any longer. What? Did you think she didn't tag along? She wouldn't miss Link's first date with Zelda for anything! But anyways, Proxi can't stand the suspense. If Link isn't going to make a move on his own, she'll just help him out. Proxi rams herself into the back of Link's head, pushing it forward. Link and Zelda's lips meet suddenly, filling them both with an unidentifiable feeling.

They weren't the only people to feel a sudden wave of emotion. Cia was just running to the scene to directly interfere. Instead, she watches in great dismay as Link kisses Zelda. Neither of them jerk away in disgust, so they must like it. Whereas Zelda and Link are filling with a mysterious free feeling, Cia feels as if the weight of the world has just crashed on top of her. Her stomach feels weak, as if she's about to vomit. Behind her, Volga and Wizzro don't have to see her facial expression to tell that she's emotionally crushed. As much as they hate to see Cia happy, seeing her upset is just painful.

Just then, a familiar Zora bursts out of the water with a splash, doing a flip in the air and landing beside the duo on the right. "Link, marry me!" Ruto exclaims. She just completely ruined the moment. Link and Zelda pull away from each other and look at Ruto.

Midna appears on the other side from a Twilight portal. She yells, "Link! I just need more time! I'll be beautiful again, I promise!" Zant comes up behind her and yells, "Link! You can't marry Midna! It'll completely obliterate any chances I have left of conquering my homeland!"

Cia forgets her sorrow. She channels her emotion power into a mixture of little confusion and a lot of anger. "That gives Link a good reason to marry Midna! You're making things worse!" Link and Zelda whip their heads around to see Cia and her minions.

The rest of the warriors enter the area.

Fi explains, "Link, if you marry Zelda, there is a 78.65% chance that Hyrule will fall to a siege attack by Ganondorf."

"You can't marry Zelda! If you do, Ganondorf might decide to rid you of your children before I can!" Ghirahim adds.

"You can't marry Zelda!" Darunia adds. "You're a brother of the gorons, and the goron counsel has to approve before you can be engaged to someone!"

"You can't marry Zelda! You both have pieces of the Triforce, and I need you separated to take the Triforce pieces!" Ganondorf exclaims.

"You can't marry Zelda!" Volga yells. Everybody looks at Volga. Volga shrugs and says, "Sorry, I just wanted to be a part of this. I don't have a reason."

Zelda quickly scrambles to her feet. "What? Why is everybody here? This is kind of private."

"And why does everybody think I'm marrying Zelda?!" With that, everybody looks at Link, the normally mute hero. Link stands up.

Agitha makes her way through the bunch to the front. "Well, isn't it obvious? If you go on a date, then you must be in love."

Zelda looks at Link. "Did you tell everybody about this?" Link rapidly shakes his head. He defends himself by saying that he didn't tell a living soul. Zelda looks at everybody else. "How do you all know about this?"

Lana points at Cia. Cia points at Wizzro. Wizzro tries to point at Volga, but Volga glares at him. Ruto points at Darunia, who states that it was the news fairy. Fi and Ghirahim say the same thing about their news fairy. Midna points at Zant, who blames the news fairy. Then Agitha scolds him for eavesdropping. Ganondorf points fingers at Ghirahim. Impa just says, "You, Zelda." Zelda says that she wasn't referring to Impa.

Zelda asks, "How did the news fairies know about this?"

"I'm sorry!" Proxi can't stand the guilt. She caused a big mess, not meaning to. She floats out to the middle of the warrior circle.

"Proxi?"

"This is all my fault," Proxi confesses. "First it was me who set Link up, and I'm sorry, Link. Then I was so excited that I told my friends. I didn't think they would share it with the world."

Lana makes her way to Link. "Link," Lana begins. "you were forced into asking Zelda on a date?" Link nods in response. Lana can't help but smile in relief.

"So, this was all just a big misunderstanding?" Volga asks. When Link, Lana, and Proxi nod in response, Volga becomes really irritated. "You have got to be kidding me! I was dragged into Zelda's room because of this shenanigan!"

"Wait, what?" Proxi is appalled.

The whole thing was a misunderstanding. For some unknown reason, this fact humbles Cia. Emotionally content (for now), Cia simply turns around and walks away. The usual sassy sway of her hips isn't present as she makes her leave. She uses her scepter as more of a walking stick. The only two who notice Cia's departure are Lana and Wizzro, of all people. Neither of them speak up, and neither of them decide to follow. That weird force that makes you look at someone when they look at you causes the two to exchange glances. Lana half smiles and shrugs, as if to say "oh well". Wizzro shrugs and crosses his arms, non-verbally communicating "I still don't get it". Lana chuckles quietly to herself.

Volga's situation was just explained. "OH! So that explains it," Zelda confirms that she now understands. She proceeds to ask, "But why? Why does Cia care if I go on a date with Link?"

Before Volga can respond, Wizzro interferes, responding, "Cia refuses to share her motives, even with us."

"But, we discussed it and everything," Volga doesn't quite understand when people are trying to avoid sharing information. To prevent Volga from speaking further, Wizzro puts his hand over Volga's mouth. He says, "I think I summed it up, Volga." Some matters, like love, are personal; warriors like Lana and Wizzro understand that. Before Volga decides to bite his hand off, Wizzro creates a portal underneath them for them to quietly make themselves scarce.

With Volga and Wizzro leaving, a gap of time is made for Zelda to think. She reaches a shocking conclusion. "So Link, did you never want to go on a date with me in the first place?" Link… doesn't know how to respond to that. It would be mostly a lie to say that he did want to go on a date, but the honest truth might break Zelda's heart.

Darunia notices the meal Link made (with a little unseen help from Volga). He heroically swoops in to save the day. "Well hey, since you two are already here, and since Link made dinner, why don't you two just finish this the right way. Forget we showed up; start from scratch."

Midna agrees. She says, "Yeah. Zant over here is so rude. I'll just get him out of your hair." Zant responds with an offended/confused facial expression. Midna uses her hair to pick up Zant like an elementary school boy picks up an action figure. She creates a Twilight portal as her door back home. Agitha follows behind.

Ruto disappears under the surface of the lake. Darunia rolls into the distance. Impa and Lana casually stroll away. Ganondorf tries his very best to think of the perfect, dramatic exit, but he can't think of one within thirty seconds, so he just casually strolls away, too. Ghirahim smells dinner rolls, so he asks for one before he departs with Fi. Link and Zelda refuse to grant Ghirahim's request. Ghirahim leaves with an empty stomach.

Proxi, Zelda, and Link are left. Proxi slumps, still ashamed at herself for her rash actions and what chaos they caused. She turns to Zelda and Link. "Guys, I can't express how sorry I am for everything that just happened."

Zelda is a compassionate and understanding soul. She always has been. She is also the keeper of the Triforce of Wisdom, which is a symbol of how pure and humble she is. With a warm smile, she forgives Proxi. Despite how annoying Proxi is, Link can't stay mad at her. She's been his loyal companion since the war started. Link also forgives Proxi. Proxi's very tiny tears are taken away by the gentle breeze. Now that she feels better, Proxi decides to give Zelda and Link some privacy.

That privacy lasts about 50 seconds. Proxi returns. "So Link, have you decided to marry her yet?"

"NO!"

Author's Notes- I will probably get hated on by ZeldaXLink fans, but that's what I get for going in the direction of humor and romance. You see, loyal readers, this is why this collection of one-shots is rated T. Not the romance part, the "Volga and Wizzro are terrible role models" part. I apologize to those who liked these one-shots because they were clean and free of unkind material. Now it's semi-clean! Hooray! Foul language, never. Naughty men, just a little.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10- Invitation Responses

Dear Friends,

This letter is an invite to a very special event. This Saturday, I am hosting Link's surprise birthday party. I hope you all will attend. Gifts are not necessary, but I'm sure Link would be very appreciative of a little something. I'm decorating the ballroom of the castle Friday night, and I could use all the help I can get. Feel free to drop by this Friday to help me out. This is a surprise party, so I was thinking that we could all meet up sometime and discuss how we will make this party as much of a surprise as possible. I understand that your schedules are busy, so if you are unable to see me before Saturday, that's fine. I hope you all will attend Link's party.

From,

Princess Zelda

…

_The following is the responses Zelda received to her invitation. Note that she gave a verbal invitation to Impa, so Impa responded verbally and on-the-spot._

Dear Zelda,

I would be honored to attend Link's surprise party. Also, I have some decorating ideas for the ballroom. My taste is exquisite, but you already knew that, I'm sure. I will be there at 6 on Friday, sharp. If the party is early on Saturday, then I suppose I'll just stay the night at your castle.

From the Truly Beautiful,

Princess Ruto

…

Dear Princess Zelda,

Wait, this Saturday?! My Saturdays are already so busy, but I suppose I could squeeze in time for Link's party. After all, Link is a brother! I couldn't miss a celebration for a brother. No really, it'd be bad for my reputation. I have to stay strong and keep my people's heads high. Tradition is everything to my people. I suppose if everything is rolling smoothly here, (Ha! Get it? 'Cause we roll? I love puns.) I'll drop by on Friday to see if I can help.

Rolling on along,

Chieftain Darunia

…

Dear Princess Zelda,

Wow! How old is Link becoming? I'm so excited! I didn't have anything planned for this weekend until now. I'll be there, I promise. I'll even make Link a card or something. I'll have to ask Mr. Moth to find my glitter; he's naughty and likes to hide my stuff. Oh, and I'll come on Friday to help decorate. I love parties!

With love to spare,

Agitha

…

Dear Princess Zelda,

My attendance is not necessary, but since Link's happiness is the goal, I should attend this event. Perhaps my presence will please him. If it pleases you, I will also visit this Friday to aid you in appropriately ornamenting the castle ballroom. There is a 25% chance I will be of help, considering I lack opposable thumbs. My sincerest apologies if I am unable to assist you.

From,

Fi

…

Dear Zelda,

Link's birthday, huh? Alright, I'm in. Don't expect me to bring a present, though. I'm not made of cash, you know. And if I come of Friday, don't expect me to stay for long. While I'm away from home, anything could happen. You know Ganondorf; always trying to get his big fist around everywhere he can. But anyways, I'd be happy to come, but we'll see what happens.

I Found You,

Princess Midna

…

Dear Princess Zelda,

That's awesome! I didn't know it was Link's birthday. Thanks for inviting me. I will be there, no matter what. If we're going to surprise Link, can we have the lights off, and when he turns them on, yell "surprise"? That would be so much fun! Oh, and do you know what Link likes? I can't think of a good gift for him off the top of my head. Anyways, I can't wait!

Full of Grace and Cheer,

Lana

…

_Nobody can quite explain how, but even warriors who didn't receive an invitation sent letters in return-_

Dear Zelda,

That's wonderful. You know what would surprise Link the most? If I came! However, I wouldn't want Link to have the honor of me attending his party. Surprise parties are child's play. I'm all for surprises, but only if they're the kind that scare you out of your skin. It's fun to appear out of nowhere and make your victim so shocked their heart stops. So, if I decide that Link's party is worth my time, I'll come.

The Demon King,

Ganondorf

…

Dear Zelda (such an awful name),

Hiya ha ha! Link's surprise party? Surprise parties are for children. So let me guess; Link is turning seven, right? I knew it! I am just too good. However, if I'm bothering to send this letter, then I might as well say something… constructive. It will please you to know that I don't plan on crashing the party. There, happy? I have two reasons. One, I have better things to do. And two, everybody will be there. I work better against one or two opponents. You know, that giant lug Darunia will probably be there with his hammer. I'd prefer not to be there when the buffet table is smashed to bits like fiery explosion. And… Midna. UH, well, you know. I'd imagine she'd hog the dancefloor or something. She's going to hurt someone with those hips and that attitude. So there you have it; your party is going to be a disaster, with or without me.

I'll Give you Nightmares,

Wizzro

…

Dear Zelda,

I'm intrigued. I surprise party for Link? Does Link take surprises kindly? I've fought Link before, and his reactions are impeccable. I can imagine you jumping out of the dark yelling surprise, and Link gets out his sword instinctively. I love bloody messes as much as the next twisted guy, but seriously, surprise party is a bad idea. However, if you manage to make it through the surprise part, I'd be happy to attend! A second "surprise", as it were. Trust me; the kids will love it. No, no, you don't have to thank me; it will be my pleasure.

The Twilight King,

Zant

…

Dear the Lovely Princess Zelda,

I heard you were planning a party. I'll be honest, I'm disappointed to have not received an invitation. But low and behold, a miracle struck, and I was informed about this special event. You must be relieved to hear that I am not terribly angry about the invitation mishap, and will gladly attend the event. With the invitation, I understand mistakes. I will admit that I am only slightly less than perfect. You must be utterly shocked to hear that news, but unfortunately, it's true. But be led astray no more; I will clear up any misconceptions this Saturday. See you then.

The Exceptionally Magnificent,

Demon Lord, Ghirahim

…

Dear Zelda,

Ah yes, Link's birthday. It changes with every reincarnation of him, but I've kept track of them all. The first hero was born on April 21st. The next was born October 4th. June 15th, January 27th, August 1st, are only three more of Link's past-selves birthdays. Pretty impressive, I know. You should really look into Link's history. You'd be amazed. If you simply watch his daily life for long enough, you might even fall in love with him. Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I have almost completely forgot what I wanted to tell you! I just happen to have a gift for Link that I've never been able to give him. Perhaps I will drop by just to wish him a happy birthday and to give him his present. I will eagerly await this upcoming Saturday.

From,

Sorceress Cia

…

_Volga didn't actually write a letter, but if he did, it would have gone something like this-_

Dear Zelda,

A surprise party? Well, well, well, that sounds like a blast. You know, you're going to have to bake a cake, and the number of candles you put on that cake will have to be as many years as Link has lived. Then… you light those candles on fire! No, don't trouble yourself. I'll light the candles for you!

The Dragon Knight,

Volga

…

_And so, Saturday dawns upon the warriors of Hyrule. The party commenced. Link wrote a thank-you collaboration letter-_

Dear Zelda and friends,

Thank you so much for the party. I'm sorry I overreacted and ended up destroying all your hard work. Maybe surprise parties aren't the best idea. At least the cake was good… or, what was left of it after I sent Darunia smashing into the buffet table. Sorry, Darunia. Still brothers? OH, and Midna, I'm sorry my battle cry in reaction to the surprise made your Twilight wolf pee. Tell him (her?) that I sincerely apologize. Agitha, I was able to tape the card you made me back together, and I was touched by your kind words. However, I'm a little confused. Did you mean to write "you're the 'est' hero ever"? You either meant 'best' or 'chest'; I know that. Impa told me that you worked really hard to plan the party, Zelda, and I couldn't ask for a better princess to serve. I actually have a question for all of you- did any of you tell Ganondorf or Cia about my birthday? The reason I ask was because I got a letter from Ghirahim saying why he couldn't make it to the party. Something about Zant and bad driving. Also, I bumped into Wizzro during my pity stroll through Elvin Caves, and he asked how the party went. Don't tell him what actually happened; I lied about it just to smite him. That probably wasn't the hero thing to do… but it's my birthday! Anyways, I greatly appreciate the party; I was touched by how hard you worked. Next year, I'll host my party.

The Hero,

Link

Author's Notes- Ok, before I say anything else, I just want to note that I worked hard in Microsoft Word to make the letters look nice. None of the text had fancy lettering or anything. It was just the signed from portion. I positioned it just right in Word. I centered the 'from' and literally pressed Tab eight times. I counted each time; 8 times! I upload it to Fanfiction, and boom!, gone. Sigh, oh well. I tried, and that's what matters. Now I'll be the first to say that I prefer third person omniscient to first person when writing fiction. I'm one of those people that if I'm going to create something, I'm going to personalize every detail. However, I love role-play, and first person is compatible with role-play. So, enough said. Now that I've reached 10 chapters, I'm going to do something special. I will set up a poll asking which of the first ten chapters is the overall favorite. I don't know what I'll do yet with the results, but I'll probably think of something. Once I reach 20 chapters, then I'll probably do another poll. I want to, at least. So please vote, and if you're a guest, you can put your vote in the reviews; I will tally all results I get for one grand total. Anyways, I'm so happy you like my story, and thanks for reading. I will definitely continue... stay tuned.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11- The Great Horse

"And so, with his sword held high, he bravely charges into battle on his noble stead!" Link narrates. He isn't narrating to anybody in particular. He's actually just entertaining himself as he practices swinging his sword recklessly while riding his horse, Epona. About a week before, he realized during the battle that he was too slow on his feet. To fix this, he figured that he could ride Epona into battle. This way he'll be able destroy enemies and ride to Zelda's aid in half the time. That leaves him extra time to do more fighting! Score!

Link halts Epona and raises his sword high, expecting Epona to epically stand on her hind legs and whinny. Instead, Epona literally falls over on her side like Lana does when she faints. Link's leg gets caught under Epona. He manages to wiggle free, but that still doesn't change the fact that his horse literally just fell over for no reason. He's almost certain she did that just to spite him.

…

That evening, Impa takes a stroll behind the castle, like she always does. As usual, she stops by the stables. Epona, being the only horse at the stables, gets the treat that Impa brought. Impa brought a red delicious apple for Link's noble stead. Epona is more than happy to except Impa's gracious gift.

…

"We're under attack!" Zelda calls. She is calling for troops. A very familiar duo of nasty minions has paid the castle an early morning visit.

Link is awoken by the smell of burning castle walls. He is further alerted of danger when his fellow soldiers all start screaming. He figures he should grab his sword, shield, and scarf and jump into action.

Just outside the soldier dorms, Impa rallies the troops. She stops Link before he goes by. "Link, we can't let them capture Zelda! Keep her safe!" Link rushes off to do just that; keep Zelda safe.

Zelda rushes through the castle, hoping to evade the sight of-,

"There you are," says a familiar wicked-sounding voice. In defense, Zelda uses magic to create a flash of light, covering her escape. Just as she reaches the bottom of the stairs, a large knight in red armor blocks her path. This knight is definitely not one of her troops. Link manages to swoop in and move the knight out of the way so Zelda can flee.

Zelda runs to the stables. She was in bed when the raid started, so she feels completely indecent in her night clothes. She managed to throw on her robe before the owner of the wicked voice burst in, aiming to seize her. Link catches up to her, having distracted the knight long enough to get away. The other castle soldiers should be holding the invaders off. They will as long as they can.

Link rushes to untie Epona inside the stables. Zelda waits outside patiently. Unfortunately, the castle guards weren't able to stop one of the invaders from making his way out of the castle to pursue Zelda. Bursting through the ground like a zombie in the horror movies, the dark wizard appears behind Zelda. "Hiya ha ha! Did you really believe you could run, princess?" Shortly after Zelda whips around in horror, the castle defense units fall to the flame of the dragon knight. He runs to the wizard's side.

Epona wiggles her reins out of Link's grasp. She charges for the exit. Link calls her name, alerting Zelda. Zelda ducks. Epona daringly jumps over the princess, not holding back even for a second. The dragon knight, Volga, didn't expect to be smashed to the ground by a horse. The dark wizard, Wizzro, didn't expect it either, although he did have a dream about a horse and a dragon a few nights ago.

After knocking Volga to the ground, Epona lands on the ground and slows herself. Wizzro sends a one-eyed, purple piranha at the horse. Epona simply dodges it and charges at Wizzro. Wizzro blocks in defense. Epona stops on her front legs, using them as an axle. She does a complete turnaround, but stops. This leaves Wizzro clueless and with a horse's backside about an arm's length away. Epona knew exactly what she was doing.

Farmers know to be careful when milking a cow, because getting kicked by a cow isn't fun. Getting kicked by a horse isn't fun either, as Wizzro can tell you. Zelda puts both hands over her mouth in shock as Epona stands on her front legs and uses her back legs to kick Wizzro into next Tuesday. A time warp actually appears with the force of Epona's kick, and Wizzro finds himself going about his business on Tuesday of next week. He's a little overwhelmed, having no idea what he's supposed to be doing. He tries to remember, but he has no memory of the past four days. He might as well just go take a nap. Maybe that will help with the monstrous headache he's got.

Next, Link and Zelda are treated to the sight of Epona happily bounding all over Volga, smashing him further and further into the ground. Zelda figures that she has no reason to flee from harm anymore.

The very next day, Epona is awarded the Medal of Outstanding Bravery. This award is only awarded to Hyrulean soldiers… and now, Hyrulean horses. As you can imagine, Cia wasn't happy with the results of the raid. They didn't get Zelda, and on top of that, both of her top officers are pretty beat up. Not to mention that one of them is four days into the future. When Cia finally brings Wizzro back, she asks what it was that crushed them in battle like this. They respond with the same, humiliating answer- "A horse."

Author's Notes- Link's horse. There. You can tell a lot about a character by their dialogue alone, but since Epona is a horse, and cannot speak, it's not as easy to give her personality. I know this chapter is short, but I'm satisfied with it. I'm open to suggestions, and the poll is up and running.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12- Dream Traveler

Fi is a unique individual, no help needed. She gets even more interesting when she learns that she can invade the dreams of her fellow warriors. That's right. She can INVADE dreams. Not a whole army; just her. Even if she would naturally not be in the dream, she can enter the dream like it's a room or new world. She once thought about being a writer for the gossip column, but dismissed the thought. Now, she's reconsidering. It doesn't matter, though. What's important is that she learns how to control this new ability. Perhaps it could be useful for learning the enemy's plans when the time comes.

Naturally, Fi thinks that Link would be a good starter. Now all she has to do is remember how she got into Groose's dream the other night. "OK, so I was passing by his bedroom window, did a spin on random impulse... and then what?" This might be harder than she thought.

First, Fi tries spinning around Link. That doesn't work. She then tries to recreate what she was thinking/calculating when she did it the first time. Nothing happens. Then she becomes determined to get into Link's dreams. She can't identify determination, but whether she knows it or not, that's what she's feeling. She tries meditating, a tribe ritual, and even brute force. At one point, she charges into sleeping Link's head with her own, hoping the force would zap her into his psyche. It doesn't accomplish the goal, but it does manage to put a big bruise on both Link and Fi's heads.

Then of course, when she gives up, something sets off, and she is transported into Link's dream. First landing on the cold ground in Link's dream world, Fi is slightly disoriented. She picks herself up and gathers her thoughts. She appears to be in Hyrule Field, but it's hard to say. There is a strange vibe in the air. She senses lots of adrenalin… and wet dog. Turning around, her suspicions are confirmed.

Link and several other warriors run by in a panic. A pack- rephrase that; Hyrule's entire population worth of hungry wolves chases Link and co. Right off the bat, Fi concludes that this is not going to end well. She follows her fellow warriors.

Upon entering the Castle Keep, Link is picked up by a familiar giant orange hand. Midna sits on a windowsill with that smirk that tells everyone that she's got a plan. Fi watches as Midna uses some item she doesn't recognize to turn Link into a wolf. At first, Fi thinks that Midna really does know what she's doing. Link in a wolf's body can reason with the other wolves and save his friends. That theory is crushed when Midna tosses Link into the wolf pack accompanied by a malicious laugh. Link practically joins the other wolves. On the humorous side, Darunia seems to be in utter terror.

"So Fi," Midna nabs Fi's attention. "I assume you're wondering where this pack of hungry wolves came from."

"Not really."

"Well, I'll tell you anyway. Ganondorf has control of the minds of all wolves in Hyrule. He's using this rabies-infested army to wreak havoc on Hyrule."

Fi has one question. "Was there a motive for turning the master into a wolf?"

Midna snickers. "I trust Link will overcome Ganondorf's mind control."

Fi looks down at the chaos, and then back at Midna. "Midna, I must inform you that Link is gnawing on Impa's leg."

Midna looks down. She says, "OH. Well, she deserved it." Her smirk returns. Based on this, Fi has concluded that Link sees Midna as slightly demented. It must be all the marshmallow peeps.

Midna changes the subject. "Oh, and by the way, Zelda isn't the only person Ganondorf doesn't have a problem with using his canine army against," she explains. Fi turns around to glance at what Midna points at in the distance.

In the distance, Ganondorf's minions flee from even more wolves. Cia and her minions join them. For some reason, watching Ghirahim climb on top of Zant to avoid getting bitten by the wolves gives Fi satisfaction. Ah, the beauty of Link's imagination.

Speaking of which, Fi needs to figure out how to escape Link's imagination before she too becomes meat for the wolves. Fi tries meditating on it. Surprisingly, it succeeds.

Instead of returning to the real world, Fi enters a world full of flowers and trees. She surveys the area. Once again, Midna is present. This time around, she happily bounds through the flowers on all four limbs, it seems. Like a cat, Midna has her arms out in front of her and her back hunched like a kitten trying to catch a grasshopper under its paws.

Fi starts to travel. There are butterflies and flowers as far as the eye can see. On the hill, Agitha and Link sit on a picnic blanket. Agitha watches ants walk in a straight line, coming and going from her sandwich. Once seeing Midna bounding like a kitten, Fi should have guessed that this was Agitha's dream.

Agitha notices Fi. At first, her expression shows that she doesn't quite know what to do, but she then smiles, reaches into the picnic basket, and offers Fi a sandwich. Fi politely declines and decides to go exploring.

There doesn't seem to be much here. Fi travels at least a football field length, only seeing flowers, trees, and bugs; ladybugs, praying mantises, butterflies, and even beetles. Then and there, Fi comes to the conclusion that Agitha has to be the biggest bug enthusiast the world has ever seen.

Then things get weird. Fi notices two butterflies on the same flower. A faint voice is heard saying, "I'd love to marry you." Fi looks around for the source of the voice, but can't find one. The voice is heard again, and Fi follows the sound. It's coming from right below her. She then hears something about caterpillar babies. For the second time in her entire existence, Fi has a feeling of embarrassment. The first time she wishes she could forget. Just like last time, she starts meditating, telling herself she wants to return home.

Fi enters a new world. She is turned around by a hand. Cia stands there. "Fi, you have to come see this." Fi's first question is if this is Cia's dream, why does Cia look so desperate? Cia pulls Fi through the Eldin Caves.

The two stop at a ledge. On the ground below, Cia gestures to her minions. They are battling each other. Fi asks what is going on, and Cia willingly explains. "Well, it's a bit of a long story," Cia starts. Fi already knows this is going to be some ridiculous tale. "Wizzro was raving about what he did before he was sealed into his ring form for the first time. He had a bunch of very detailed stories about how he almost completely destroyed several ancient races and stuff like that. Then he said something that triggered Volga. Volga gasped and said something like 'so it was you who killed my uncle'. A bunch of other stuff was said. Volga was like 'I will avenge him', and Wizzro was like 'I'll take you down just like I did him. It'll be easy'," and Fi kind of zones out.

Fi is more intrigued about the battle. She can't tell who is winning. Every time Volga is hit, he has to step back and regroup himself. Every time Wizzro is hit, he groans in obvious discomfort. Fi is surprised his robes aren't being set ablaze by Volga's flames.

Cia and Fi both turn to each other at the same time. Fi asks, "What is the task you hoped I would accomplish?"

"I was hoping you'd know how to make them stop killing each other. It's not that I need them to help me win battles; it's just that Wizzro's pain is funny, and that Volga doesn't look half bad without his helmet. You seriously have to watch him lift weights. It's dreamy," Cia gives yet another long explanation.

Fi believes she is experiencing discomfort. Not pain, but a confused feeling mixed with disturbance. She figures that it's time to leave. Just out of curiosity, part of her wants to see what Lana is dreaming about, considering that Cia is technically the evil side of her. Fi concentrates really hard.

And of course, when she actually wants to see another dream, she is taken back to the real world. It is the wee hours of the morning; about 5 in the morning to be exact. Everybody should be waking up soon. After careful consideration, Fi decides to give the dream traveling a rest.

Author's Notes- I'm trying my very best to give equal attention to all of the warriors, but I'm struggling. When writing about the villains, the humor just flows, but with the heroes, it doesn't flow so well. I could use some suggestions and inspiration. I will be collecting results from the poll until I reach chapter 20, so please vote. There is time. This poll will help me get a feel for what type of humor I work best with and of the like.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13- Oh, What a Wizard Will do for Power

There are a lot of powerful forces in the Legend of Zelda universe. Powerful magic, powerful people, powerful places. The most powerful source of magic is the goddesses, no buts about it. But what is the most powerful place? Where in this universe does magic thrive in unimaginable quantities? Some would argue Hyrule in general. But what happens to those too powerful for Hyrule to handle? Wherever they go must be where the most powerful magic is. At least, this is what Wizzro believes.

Curious to find out, Wizzro does a little research in his spare time, instead of practicing battle strategies like Volga suggested. Oh Volga, always concentrated on proving his might. What Volga doesn't realize is that Wizzro's loyalty to Cia is a hoax. Serving under a master or mistress is humiliating, at least in Wizzro's opinion. He has served under Cia for far too long, and is ready for some changes around here.

The reason Wizzro submits himself to following the strongest competitor is so he can learn their secrets. This has been his strategy for a very long time, so take that, Volga. If he can learn their weaknesses and defeat the strongest of the competition, he's automatically stronger than everyone else, putting him on the top of the power pyramid. The only thing higher is the gods, but Wizzro is focusing on mortal powers for now. Besting the gods is his next life goal.

Returning to the overall scheme, Wizzro has asked the question "where is the most powerful magic harvested" and has started digging to find the answer. Old texts have revealed many things. Each era of time has had some effect, however major or minor it may be, on this great war. He would have never guessed that the warriors he has been fighting are from many generations back. Most of them are considered ancestors by now. Zant claims to be around forty years of age, but according to Wizzro's studies, he's really several hundred years of age because of the massive time jump. The same goes for most of the other warriors. Whereas Link, Impa, Zelda, and Lana are all from the current time era, the warriors who came from other eras of time all together are from many years back.

Though it took many painstaking hours of research, Wizzro finally found what he was looking for. He bonks himself in the head, figuring that he should have just guessed the answer. The Twilight Realm. It was so obvious that it flew right over his head. He should have betrayed Cia during the battle against the forces of the twilight, then the power could have been his for the taking. But that is all in the past, and it is a new day.

…

Today is the day. It took Wizzro three hours the day before to conjure up this scheme, but if this works, it will be worth missing Cia's interpretive dance class. (Watching Cia's poor performances are always a blast.) His plans to just sneak away are ruined when Cia tells her minions that she needs to go over her newest battle plan with them. It takes forever for Cia to explains plans. Wizzro doesn't have time for this. He needs a distraction.

"Hey Volga, I need to see you for a second," Wizzro states. He then motions for Volga to follow him. They enter the next keep over, far enough that Cia can't overhear the conversation.

"What do you want this time?" Volga asks with an exasperated tone. The wizard doesn't ask for favors very often, but when he does, it's Volga that always ends up getting the worse end of the deal.

"I'm on a mission. I cannot stay to listen to Cia's rambling. I need you to keep her busy," Wizzro responds.

Volga crosses his arms. "What do you mean by keeping her busy? I'm not going to engage in senseless battle with her, if that's what you mean. We have a battle we need to be ready and rested for."

Wizzro shakes his head. He says, "Just keep her focused on talking about her plan. The longer she doesn't notice my absence, the better."

"What's in this for me?"

OH. Wizzro didn't think Volga would ask for something in return. He doesn't usually ask for anything in return, except for maybe peace and quiet. What does Wizzro have to offer?

"I… will owe you one favor if you do this. Anything at all," Wizzro offers. He knows this offer is risky, but if his overall plan succeeds, he'll be powerful enough to take out Cia with ease, let alone dishonor this agreement with Volga and be safe.

Volga grins, apparently pleased with the offer. "I think I will take you up on that." They shake hands on it. Step zero: distract Cia, is complete.

…

Midna wasn't expecting a surprise attack. Wizzro's forces simply snuck into the palace and attacked. She hastily rallies her troops and strikes back.

Midna calls to the opposing forces. "Cia! That sneak attack was low, even for you!"

"Hiya ha ha! You think Cia is in charge of this monster brigade?"

Midna is aghast. "Wizzro!"

"It took you long enough."

Wizzro remembers the first time here at Twilight Palace. Midna was a real pest and trapped Cia in the castle. He was protecting the allied base and barely toughed it out. Well, that isn't going to happen this time! If he can lure Midna out of the castle, he can surround her and take her down. Once she's down and out, he can take the Sols and become more powerful than he's ever been before. The plan is perfect!

Now, how is he going to lure Midna out of her palace? Is it possible to come up behind her and push her, or will he be forced to wipe out her forces until she runs to their rescue herself? He might as well try the first option, and if that doesn't work, the second option it is.

Lisalfos are sent through both side entrances of the palace. Midna sends her forces to counter them, as well as some down the middle to storm Wizzro's base. She quickly realizes that Wizzro has one tactical advantage; his forces are on the offense, and therefore do not need a base. They will be up and running until their commander is defeated. This poses a problem, considering that she _is_ protecting a base.

Another thing to consider is the true mastermind behind the opposing forces. Is Wizzro truly the commander, or is someone else pulling the strings in the shadows? Well, there is only one way to find out. Midna pulls on her taunting/confident demeanor and says, "Alrighty, I'm going to give you two options. You can pack up your forces and leave now, or I'll have to come get you myself. It's your choice, Wizzro."

UH, yeah, that first option is not happening. But perhaps he can use her threat to his advantage, the second part at least. He too plasters a confident smirk on his face. "Hold onto that hat of yours, because my forces are going blow you off your feet!" he taunts.

"The horns it is. No more Ms. Nice Midna!" And she means it. Using her Twilight abilities, she hides a couple of keeps in the shadows, shrouding Wizzro's outside vision of them. Most of Wizzro's forces require sight to attack, so the impending darkness makes them nervous. Wizzro doesn't take "I'm scared" for an answer and orders his forces to enter the darkness despite their concerns. Though reluctant, his forces obey.

Wizzro sending his forces into the darkness was a mistake, and their bloodshed is his fault. Midna scoffs. She expected more. She taunts, "See? That's what happens when you enter the darkness without a light."

Both prideful and determined, Wizzro straightens his ring and summons more forces. "You may be strong now, but let's see how long that strength will last. An endurance test, if you will," he retorts.

Wave after wave, Midna's forces battle hard against Wizzro's forces. It seems as if his forces will never stop coming. Despite the sheer quantity of enemies, Midna's forces continue to fight for their commander. Midna watches from her base as her forces start to struggle and fall. At the same time, Wizzro starts to grow weary from summoning a large quantity of monsters. Magic is hard work.

Finally, after a good thirty minutes or so, the last of Midna's forces are forced to retreat to the base. Midna can't blame them; they did all that they could for as long as they could.

Wizzro, rejuvenated by this small victory, brainstorms a before-ultimate-victory taunt. "Hiya ha ha! You're already giving up? I've just started!"

Midna scowls. The nerve of that guy. She says, "Fine then. Come, and bring your entire army! We will defend this realm with our very souls!"

"You're going to need more than just your souls to defeat me, Midna," Wizzro proudly states. He teleports to the outside of Midna's base. His army backs him up.

Midna levitates in the very middle of her base with her head held high and her back straight. Her scowl shows her one fang. She growls and asks, "What do you want from us? What do you hope to gain?"

Wizzro chuckles quietly to himself, malicious in every way possible. "Power. Your realm is a rich producing farm of dark magic."

Midna is even angrier, now. Men and their desire for power; it's sickening. She asks, "Is that what this is all about? My forces have suffered because of your greed?!"

"Outraging, I know. If I had just walked in and asked for the Sols, I would have been rejected. Using brute force was my only option. It was also the fun option, so here we are."

"You're cold, greedy heart is reflected by your appearance," Midna mumbles, so angry that trying to speak normally would result in her screaming.

"You and me both." AH, a classic, hateful retort. Midna doesn't have to use words to show that she's utterly offended; her facial expression says it all.

Before Wizzro strikes the final blow, there is an intervention from behind. The Usurper King plows into Wizzro's forces, grabbing all attention in the process.

Midna and Wizzro speak in united shock, "Zant?!"

Zant stops spinning, hopping on one foot to keep his balance. He faces the warriors. He straightens his clothes, clears his throat, and says very firmly, "If anybody is going to take over this realm, it's me."

"So… whose side are you on?" Midna asks, scratching her head in the process.

Zant flinches. "I'm on your side! How was that not clear?"

"OH! Sorry, I'm just used to you being against me."

"Whoa whoa whoa, so let me get this straight," Wizzro interrupts. "So you two are going to work together to save your realm?" The response is two nods; one from Midna, and one from Zant. Well, this wasn't part of the plan.

…

"AAAAHHGGG! Uncle!"

Zant laughs, feeling victorious. "Don't bother calling for help. We'll just destroy your uncle, too!"

"It means I give up, you idiot," Wizzro mutters in a mix of anger and exhaustion. He's been lacerated, punctured, and almost incinerated once. Link has been smacked in the face by Lana's ponytail, but the sting of Lana's ponytail is nothing compared to being smashed by Midna's super hair. It's one thing to battle Midna one-on-one, but when Zant fights alongside her, it's a whole different story.

Zant sits on Argorok. He summoned his dragon and used it for most of the fight. Yes, summoning Argorok was a little excessive for just defeating Wizzro, but Zant has become rather flamboyant thanks to a certain demon lord. "… I knew that," Zant lies. "I was just messing with you." Midna can't help but giggle. After all, he did hesitate before replying; that was a dead give-away. It's always amusing to Midna when Zant makes himself look bad.

Midna looks up at Zant. "You'd better make yourself scarce before you say something else stupid."

"What?! How dare you accuse me of uttering silly things? I am the Twilight King!" He holds his hand high. His sleeve falls, revealing his gray arm with red lines. There is a dark spot on the inside of his elbow.

"Psshh, is that a birthmark?" Midna asks, pointing it out for all the world to see.

"Wait, what?" Zant looks at his arm. He lowers it, letting his oversized sleeve fall back into place. He stutters, "N-no. I am perfect in every way possible."

Midna rolls her eyes. "It doesn't matter what you look like; what matters is what you do. How do you think love survives in a world where being imperfect is the norm?"

"Silence! I will return to take back my land from your filthy hands. I hate you," Zant proclaims. With that, he commands Argorok to fly away, taking him with it.

"Hate you, too," Midna says with her amused smile still intact. Recently, Zant has become a big joke, and Midna has enjoyed every bit of it. Perhaps when he strikes back he'll regain a bit of honor.

Now, back to the matter at hand. The wizard lies on the ground, defeated both physically and mentally. His plan was so perfect, yet so flawed at the same time. It doesn't make any sense. What did he do that classified him as a villain, besides maybe terrorizing thousands of people before being sealed away? He knows that villains having victory is possible, because he has seen it before. But why is it that he has to be serving a higher power to win? It isn't fair!

Midna turns towards the wizard. If she's honest with herself, then the fight wasn't exactly fair. Sure, her kingdom was at stake, but was mercilessly decimating Wizzro and his forces really necessary? If Zant had just kept Wizzro's forces at bay or protected the base, she could have fought Wizzro herself and beaten him. Zant didn't have to summon a great monster and completely flatten the wizard. Perhaps she is feeling sympathy for him because she heard his pain loud and clear. This was the first battle she's had against Wizzro where he has shown any kind of physical discomfort.

Wizzro pushes himself up into a sitting position. His vision clears from a blurry state. "What are you looking at?" He hisses, rendering his shame into hate.

Midna shrugs. She replies, "You. Hey, was that battle unfair?"

"Unfair?! Are you kidding me?!"

"So, I'll take that as a yes." She keeps a calm composure.

Seeing Midna reply with sincerity in a calm matter, Wizzro relaxes. Midna is not out to humiliate him further, and he can see that. He just nods, not knowing what else to say.

Midna sighs and positions herself so she is sitting in midair. "Just between you and me, I think it should have just been you against me. That would have given you a sporting chance and me a chance to prove myself. How do we get stronger if we don't challenge ourselves?"

Wizzro shrugs and says, "Eh, I don't blame you for accepting Zant's aid. If I were fighting me, I would have done the same thing."

Midna is slightly peeved. "You just can't help but exalt yourself, can you?"

"Nope," Wizzro laughs. His cackling is cut short when there is a sting in his side.

"Struggling?" Midna asks. Her tone isn't mocking, but rather sincere.

Wizzro has to look at Midna's facial expression to confirm that she isn't mocking his pain. Her expression confirms her sincerity. Wizzro answers sincerely; "I've survived worse pain." He isn't kidding.

If he had to pick, the most painful experience he has ever had was about three months prior. He and Volga were fighting in the dessert against Lana. In a strange turn of events, Lana had captured Cia and was keeping her hidden in the dessert. Volga insisted they rescue her, so Wizzro went along. It was a mistake to fight within ten feet of the dragon knight. It was working out well, that is, until Wizzro was knocked on his back and Volga blasted fire from his mouth across the area right then. It might not seem like it, but Wizzro has a body under all those robes, and unfortunately, those robes aren't fireproof. Even if they were, the robes wouldn't have protected Wizzro from Volga's fire breath that day. At least the fire had incinerated the last of the enemies so only Volga got to witness Wizzro jump into the nearest medium-sized puddle to extinguish the flames.

Midna nods. She says, "Well, as much as I would love to just sit and chat, your forces pretty much wrung out the last drops of energy my forces had. I will thank you, though."

"Thank me?" Wizzro levitates as his way of standing up.

Midna nods. "You see, every victory comes with a struggle, and it's the struggles you overcome that make you stronger. Your losses make you stronger, too."

Wizzro smirks. "In that case, I will continue to battle and strengthen myself. Then I will return."

"When that day comes, I'll be ready," Midna confidently declares back. And so, the semi-friendly rivalry between Midna and Wizzro continues.

Wait, did you think this story is over? This story is about Wizzro, remember? It doesn't end with Midna's victory. Wizzro has a little more to do.

For the past two hours, Volga has kept Cia talking. The past thirty minutes have been a real struggle. Cia finished explaining the plan in full detail the first forty-five minutes, and then finally asked where Wizzro was. Volga was easily able to elude Cia's question that first time. He has eluded the same question a total of four times.

Finally, Cia has had enough. "Alright, Volga. I see what you're doing. You just keep eluding my question. Where is Wizzro? What has he done this time?"

As quickly as possible, Volga comes up with an incorrect answer… he hopes. Before he can direct Cia to the fairy fountain in the Valley of Seers to search for Wizzro, the wizard in question comes through the doors.

Wizzro is utterly exhausted. "I am here, Cia."

"There you are. I explained the plan about an hour ago. Why didn't you come?" Cia asks, rather irked at the lack of punctuality in her wizard.

"UM… that is irrelevant."

Cia crosses her arms and asks, "Now what kind of excuse is that?"

Wizzro smirks. "I have rights, and I have the right to live a private life when I'm not working."

Subconsciously, Cia notices the dried blood on Wizzro's lip, but she is too angry to ask about it. "Why you insolent-! I'm your mistress! You're alive because of me. Your life belongs to me, and you will come and go as I please. Understood, fool?"

Now Wizzro has a choice to either speak his true opinions and risk Cia's wrath, or quietly submit and pretend to agree with her. Choosing the former is too risky, especially in his current state. Therefore, he chooses the latter of the two options. He lowers his head. "Yes, Mistress Cia. I understand where my place is." Oh, what would he give to strangle her with his bare fists right now.

Cia grins wickedly, pleased. "Good. Don't let this happen again. Now, if you'll excuse me, unlike you, I do have a life, and I will be using it." With that, she sashays out of the room.

Volga and Wizzro are left alone in the room. Wizzro stops in front of Volga and says, "Cia treats us like the dirt on the bottom of her shoe, and what do we do about it? Nothing! We just let her use us like toilet paper. You can't tell me that you don't feel the same way."

Volga shrugs. "I suppose I don't think the same way because she doesn't treat me like she does you."

Wizzro crosses his arms. "You almost never get in trouble, whereas I'm over here taking all the heat."

"True," Volga nods in agreement. "Now, remember that little agreement you made with me? I fulfilled my end."

"UGH." Wizzro exclaims with exasperation. "What do you want?"

Volga holds out a piece of paper and a pen. "Just sign this."

"Just sign a piece of paper? That's it?" Wizzro asks, taking the paper and signing, fulfilling his end of the deal. "What is it?" He gives the paper back.

"OH, just my get-out-of-punishment-free ticket," Volga smugly states.

"What?!" Wizzro exclaims. Volga points out that Wizzro still has his pen. Wizzro returns the pen and continues his exclamation; "What?! What does that mean?! Why did I have to sign it?"

Volga rolls up the paper and hides it in his pocket. He chuckles to himself, and then explains, "You see, a little while back, I asked Cia if she would make a special exception. If I ever got in trouble, I wondered if she'd let me slide if someone else took the punishment. I really should thank you for signing it, even though you owed me anyway. Now, if I ever get in trouble, I can show Cia this paper, and you'll take my punishment instead of me. It only works once, though."

Wizzro is aghast. "That's despicable! Talk about unfair."

"Well, if want to discuss how it's fair, you owed me fair and square. I didn't trick you into signing it. I did you a favor, and now you do me a favor. You can't say this isn't fair," Volga states. Drat, the knight is right. Wizzro has been outsmarted by the dragon knight. How humiliating.

Wizzro spits at Volga's boot and says, "You're right, but I still hate it."

Volga chuckles. He says, "You're allowed to hate it. You can hate it and me all you want, but it's completely fair."

Right then and there, Volga gets a surge of excitement. He runs off. Wizzro asks, "Where are you going in such a hurry?"

"To get in trouble! I can't wait to use this ticket." Volga then stops at the doorway.

Wizzro's heart suddenly hits hyper drive. "But Volga, shouldn't you save that until you actually get in trouble and you need an escape?" If he wasn't sweating from exhaustion already, he's sweating now.

Volga thinks for a moment. "I could… but what are the chances of that? I rarely ever get in trouble, and getting in trouble is so much fun, especially if you don't get the punishment that goes along with it." With that, Volga runs off to cause mischief. Oh great, so now Wizzro is going to get pummeled by Cia for something that he didn't do. Why does the universe hate him so?

It doesn't take long for Volga to come back running at full speed with a goofy grin on his face. His entrance is accompanied by an angry woman voice screaming, "VOLGA!" Volga stops in the middle of the room. Cia charges into the room like an angry bull. She grabs Volga's collar and mutters through clenched teeth, "You're in a heap of trouble, mister."

Nonchalantly, Volga takes out his get-out-of-trouble-free ticket. He calls it a "get-out-of-trouble-free" ticket, but what he really means is "pass-the-blame-onto-someone-else" ticket. Cia snatches the paper with her free hand. After examination, she releases Volga and smirks.

Cia turns to Wizzro. "Just to verify, this is your signature, no?"

Oh no, this is for real. For a minute, Wizzro hoped that Volga was teasing him with a convoluted scheme, but if Cia is involved and going along with it, then it has to be for real. On impulse, Wizzro responds, "I never signed that. He forged my signature, that fiend!"

Cia laughs. "Wizzro, you and I both know that Volga's handwriting is atrocious. There is no way, not even by the help of the gods, that Volga's handwriting would even remotely match yours. Without a doubt, this is your signature."

Wizzro groans. "Ack. Curse you and your ridiculously awful handwriting, Volga."

Cia rolls up the paper. "But you need not fret, Wizzro. You have some time to prepare yourself and gather your thoughts."

Both of her minions become utterly confused. "Huh?"

"There has been a change of plans, boys. We take the battle plan and go to battle today. We leave immediately."

"… Oh, my aching back." And with that, Wizzro collapses.

Author's Note- You know, for some reason that not even I understand, I like Wizzro. I don't know whether it's the mystery behind him, or his dialogue in game, or what, but I just like him. I let my imagination lead me through this one.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14- The Sickness

What most Hyruleans don't know is that Princess Ruto holds a secret chat group at Lake Hylia every other Saturday night. She has only ever invited her warrior allies. Thousands of topics have been discussed, including the following: where Link got his scarf; which Great Fairy is the leader; why Agitha's pigtails sometimes flip upside down in battle; if Ghirahim has a crush of Fi; if Ganondorf's hair was frizzed, would he look like a lion; and one of the favorite discussions, if this person and this person had kids, what would they look/act/be like?

Whereas most of the discussion topics have never reached one answer that everyone agrees on, there is one question will be truly answered very soon. Most of the questions in Ruto's chat group are 'what if' questions, meaning that the situation in question is possible, but not necessarily probable. A question that rose from the depths of Darunia's mind some time ago was "what if Lana got ill?" Of course, Agitha answered by saying Lana would be sent many "get well" cards. Zelda, however, had a more intriguing question to add to the original question- "how would being ill affect her magic?" Answers started being conceived and shared, but none of the answers shared were accepted as a theory by the entire group. Time passed, and the thought of the question eventually faded away. That is, until now.

It is early spring; Ganondorf's least favorite time of year. The flowers are just starting to bud, and the trees are awakening from their winter slumber. The last breaths of winter are noticeable in the nipping breeze on cloudy days. A mixture of the chilly wind and pollen are not exactly what Lana needs.

Lana fights alongside Zelda and Link in a battle. Ganondorf's forces are coming up fast and strong. Lana was assigned to protect a keep, and she doesn't plan on failing. Lana stands in the very middle of the keep. The gates on both the left and the right are open, but the front gate is closed. At the same time, Zant and Ghirahim approach the gates, Zant on the left and Ghirahim on the right.

"UGH, Ghirahim, I thought Ganondorf told you to sneak your way to their base while I distracted Lana and opened the way for the rest of the army," Zant grumbles.

Ghirahim raises an eyebrow. "You do know you just spoke aloud the entire plan with Lana in our presence, right?"

"At least I was following Ganondorf's instruction."

Lana swings the Deku Spear. She holds it out with pride, ready for a fight.

That's when things start to get trippy. The blossoming weapon in Lana's hand causes a disturbance in Lana's immune system. Ironically enough, she sneezes at the exact moment that both Ghirahim and Zant enter the sneeze-range field. Being sprayed with droplets of mucus halt both men in their place. Zant just has to stop to process what happened, but otherwise, he doesn't really care.

Ghirahim is mortally horrified. He frantically shakes off his hands and shivers. "That's appalling! Disgusting!" He scowls at Lana and continues his rant in a different direction, "At least lifting your arm over your face would have been polite. You practically gave me a shower of your germs!"

Lana wipes her nose. Her eyes look droopy all the sudden. "My bad."

Zant takes a step forward, as if he was going to point his weapon at Lana's throat. Zant steps forward without lifting his arm, and Ghirahim lifts his arm without stepping forward. A moment of silence passes. Zant was going to say something, but the moment became unimportant when it wasn't him that lifted him arm. He could have sworn he wanted to though. He steps back, hoping that will reverse the broken moment.

Ghirahim only puts one hand on his hip, but with no attitude in the hips to accompany it. He stands as if he wanted both hands on the hips. A mysterious panic sets in. He gapes down at his motionless right arm. He shrieks in horror, "I-I can't move my arm!"

Lana watches in confusion as Ghirahim's right arm is motionless, but Zant's right arm involuntarily (or assumingly involuntarily from Lana's perspective) flails around like a fish out of water having a seizure. Ghirahim's panic is halted when Zant's uncontrollable arm slaps his thigh.

With a look of both disbelief and disturbance, Ghirahim asks, "Did you just slap my thigh?"

Zant holds up his left arm in defense. Ghirahim's right arm reaches for the sky as well. Zant defends himself by saying, "My arm was having a severe muscle spasm, so that wasn't my fault. Also, if I wanted to hit you, I'd hit your face."

"OH!" Lana realizes something, interrupting. "You two are in control of each other's right arm."

"Huh?" Obviously, Zant doesn't get it.

Lana chuckles a little. She explains, "When Ghirahim wants to move his right arm, your right arm will move instead, and vice versa."

"You have got to be joking," says Ghirahim. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions for him. He was depressed early this morning, angry for no reason in between breakfast and the beginning of the battle, and now he's just utterly confused to the point where he thinks he might forget his own name if this keeps up.

Then the light bulb clicks on in Zant's brain. "Oh." Using this newfound ability to control Ghirahim's right arm, he slaps Ghirahim in the face. Even though he knows that he's controlling the arm, it is satisfying to see the demon lord slap himself.

In short summary, Lana blames herself for Ganondorf's loss that afternoon. His two top soldiers started destroying each other using the other's right arm about halfway through the battle. After seeing all of that, it was official; Lana has caught a virus.

…

Link decides to take Lana to Zelda to see if anything can be done about that nasty virus. She warns him not to, but he's determined to help get Lana fixed up. He doesn't know why, but his instinct tells him that Zelda is able to do amazing things with her power and the Triforce of Wisdom.

Lana and Link see both Zelda and Impa about the situation. Before Zelda can ask what the problem is, Lana sneezes on Impa's loaf of bread. It transforms into a turtle. Not sure if she can eat the turtle, Impa just gently sets it down and lets it slowly make itself scarce.

"Oh, now I see your problem. No need to explain," Zelda heeds.

Link explains that Lana's sneeze was able to switch the control of Zant and Ghirahim's right arms and how it helped them win the battle. Zelda was at the battle, but she didn't witness the predicament. She just thought Ghirahim and Zant were quarreling amongst themselves again. (It happens every once and a while.)

"I just said no need to explain."

Lana sniffles and says, "I don't need help. I'll just go home and rest. I'll be fine."

Impa shakes her head. "Lana, we can't have you sneezing over anything else. It would be bad if anyone else's bread grew a shell and slowly scampered away."

Zelda turns to Impa. "Impa, we have more bread." With that, Impa excuses herself and makes her way to the kitchen.

Zelda turns her attention back to Lana. She advises, "Lana, if you think going home and resting will help, then you go ahead and do that. If it gets any worse, come see me. We'll think of something." Lana nods and heads on home.

…

Normally, viruses go away with rest and time. Well, not Lana's. Every time she sneezes, something else changes in some way due to magic. She started sneezing up to three times in a row only 24 hours after Zelda advised her to rest at home. It's been a week, and Lana's magical sneezes have started to affect everyone's lives.

When Agitha and Fi went to visit Lana, she sneezed five times. The flowers Agitha brought were roses. After Lana's second sneeze, they were dandelions. After the fifth sneeze, Fi's boots changed from having blue stripes to red stripes. No harm done. But this was only two days after Link took Lana to Zelda.

By the fourth day, people started experiencing weird things. Cia set down her coffee on the table in front of Volga and left the room to wake Wizzro. He tends to be a deep sleeper and doesn't wake when the rooster crows. Volga witnessed Cia's coffee mug vanish. It just vanished. Volga was utterly clueless as to where it went or why, and he still is today. He couldn't help but laugh as Cia desperately searched for her coffee. She blames Volga for the disappearance of her coffee to this day.

That same day, Darunia was carrying Ruto on his arm, that is, until she suddenly flipped upside down on his arm. Neither of them understand the phenomenon, considering that gravity practically switched directions for Ruto, yet affected nothing else. Only minutes later, Darunia's hammer produced three perfectly toasted slices of toast. Ruto ate the toast, which she noticed had olive oil butter instead of regular. Darunia asked how she knew it was olive oil butter. She responded, "I have highly developed senses. I also have a sixth sense which tells me that you forgot deodorant." Then they had a debate whether Ruto really had a sixth sense. She was right, however, and Darunia reeked of sweat the whole day.

The fifth day was especially nutty. Midna started talking backwards and nobody could understand her. Link has a vision around noon which rendered him motionless in the real world while it happened. In the vision, an angel named Pit and a woman with green hair named Palutena had a conversation about hot springs. Link learned absolutely nothing. The world seemed to be ending when Ghirahim fled from his shower after applying shampoo to his hair. He was so frantic because instead of his very-expensive, highly-nutritional shampoo, he had applied a cheap, lemon-scented shampoo to his hair instead. The only weird thing Ganondorf and Zant experienced was witnessing Ghirahim appear to them before his shower was over. Oh, and Impa experienced frost bite when doing her daily jog. The temperature was 75 Fahrenheit.

By the seventh day, exactly one warrior has already disappeared from the face of the planet. Everybody has one way or another experienced the effects of Lana's virus. That is today. Lana is happy because she has gone all day without sneezing once! Hooray! "ACHOO!" Ugh, spoke too soon.

At that very moment, Ganondorf speaks with his minions. Zant is currently experiencing the effects of Lana's late night sneezing. His salivation has been overflowing. He dreamt he was in a boat on the ocean, and fell into the water. When he woke, he was swimming in his own saliva. He put a whole bag of cotton balls in his mouth before going to see Ganondorf. So far, there has been any sign of his excessive drooling, or at least, none that Ghirahim and Ganondorf know. And speaking of Ghirahim, his hair still hasn't recovered from the low nutritional value of that cursed, lemon-scented shampoo.

"Men, I know there have been some strange happenings, but I refuse to raise the white flag because of a few bizarre events. If anything, we should use these oddities to our advantage. I won't take 'no' for an answer," Ganondorf preaches. Motivational speech is actually pretty motivating, in summary.

That's when Ganondorf's armor turns into a wedding dress.

His eyes catch ablaze. "OK, that is it! We're going DESTROY the cause of all this nonsense!"

Zant thinks he swallowed a cotton ball… Uh-oh.

…

Zelda calls for a meeting at Hyrule Castle. Everybody comes, even Lana. Zelda meant for Lana to come; her illness is the topic of discussion.

"Lana," Zelda addresses, "Ever since you've been sick, our lives have been flipped upside-down."

"Literally," Ruto adds.

Lana wipes her nose with a tissue and clears her throat before she speaks. "I'm sorry guys. I don't know why my body hasn't fought off this virus yet. I should be better by now."

Impa crosses her arms. She says, "Well obviously, you're not." Lana nods.

That's when those who were not invited to this meeting barge in with Ganondorf leading. Using his brute strength, Ganondorf kicked down the door. It was very painful kicking the door with high heels on. He bellows, "Zelda! I am here to talk to you."

Darunia tightens his grip around his hammer handle at the sound of Ganondorf's voice. "Why should we believe you're just here to talk?" He and the rest of the men move to the front of the women. Impa joins them up front.

Ganondorf and the rest of the villains (including Cia and Volga) enter the foyer and stop a few feet in front of the others. Almost all of those on Zelda's side drop their guard in confusion and amusement.

Ruto speaks everyone's minds; "So, um, Ganondorf, did you find a new fashion you like?" A few giggles are heard from the group. Even Ghirahim and Cia giggle. They quickly cease their laughing when Ganondorf whips his head around to look at them.

Zelda clears her throat and walks around to the front of her group. She asks, "What would you like to discuss… besides fashion."

Ganondorf growls. He explains, "The only reason you see me like this is because something is going on that is messing with our lives. We're practically falling apart because of stupid and ridiculous things just appearing and disappearing! You don't even want to know what Ghirahim did a couple days ago."

Darunia chuckles to himself. "So you all are losing your minds. If I were in your shoes, I'd be losing my mind, too."

Cia becomes angry. "You think this is funny?!" she exclaims. She forcefully turns Volga so his back is facing her. She reaches into the bag he brought on his back and pulls out a familiar, purple robe. She holds it out in her fist for all of the warriors present to see. "See this?" she asks. "Yesterday, he just disappeared! Something is working against us. First, little things were changing a disappearing. Now, some force has taken one of my minions! It's only a matter of time before we all simply just vanish from the face of this world."

Fi asks, "Are you positive of your accusation?"

Volga guffaws. "Exactly what reason would he have for disappearing and leaving his robe?"

Lana has her hands over her mouth, aghast. Has her magic gone so out of control that Wizzro has disappeared from the face of the world?

Ruto says with a defeated tone, "So this really has gotten out of control."

"You better believe it has," Ganondorf thunders. "And I'm going to end this charade once and for all. Which one of you is responsible for all of this? Is it you, princess?"

"Which one?" Midna asks.

Ganondorf is reminded that there are three princesses present. "UH, Zelda is who I was referring to, but it could very well be your fault, Midna." Zant backs up Ganondorf by nodding.

Midna has just now noticed the liquid pooling around Zant's feet. She asks, "Zant, did you go swimming before you came here?"

Zant looks at his wet robes. The shock of seeing his saliva all over himself causing him to swallow the rest of the cotton balls in his mouth. He starts to choke. Seeing his comrade choking, Ghirahim swings into action. Unfortunately, he slips on the pool of saliva and falls. Zant is able to make his helmet retract, uncovering his head. Ganondorf, fed up with all the shenanigans already, takes matters into his own hands and slaps Zant on the back. His force makes Zant cough up the cotton ball wad. A hunk of soaked cotton balls lands on the floor. Zelda is utterly disgusted, considering that a lump of soggy cotton balls is now on the floor of her foyer.

Zant knows that he will be questioned as to why he had a bunch of cotton his mouth. He just decides get the shame over with. He puts his helmet back over his head and explains, "My master, the reason for this is because I was ashamed. I did not wish for you to know that I too have fallen victim to the doings of the mysterious trouble-maker. I plead for forgiveness."

"You've made an even bigger fool of yourself that Ghirahim did the other day," Ganondorf harshly states.

Ghirahim is starting to become irked by the constant mention of that shameful moment. "I greatly wish you would cease bringing that up, my lord." In all honesty, Link is kind of curious as to what it was that Ghirahim did that was so bad.

With the midst the confusion, Lana has made haste up the stairs. Cia notices. She calls, "Lana, where are you going?"

Lana stops on the last step once she hears her name. Her stomach knots with terror. Everybody turns their attention to the blue-haired sorceress. She turns her body to the side, putting one foot on the stair below. She looks at her fellow warriors. "I was just-," she starts, but is cut off by an oncoming sneeze. Just before the sneeze, Zelda tenses up.

Lana doesn't sneeze. Zelda exhales in relief. Then, Lana sneezes. To Ganondorf's amazement, Midna's left ear grows to ginormous size. She's dragged now by it. Zant laughs.

The pieces all come together. Finally, after several days, Ganondorf knows who has caused all this trouble.

"Lana, you're ill," Cia states aloud, obviously concerned. Horrified, Lana darts up the stairs to escape. Ganondorf leads his minions into a charge after the sorceress. Ghirahim teleports to the staircase, avoiding the trouble of getting past Zelda and her accompanying warriors. Ganondorf goes to the other staircase, and his remaining minion follows.

And so, the chase starts. Since this chase is one of those chases where people are darting in and out of rooms with fast-paced music in the background, describing it would be straining. I can say that Midna's giant ear and Zant's excessive salivation caused a lot of problems.

After a good twenty minutes or so of chasing Lana through Hyrule Castle, both the villains and the heroes trap Lana against a dead end. Zelda, utterly exhausted, mutters, "Lana, please, no more running." She and Impa were running through the upstairs hallway, and Darunia had put up a poll horizontally, expecting Lana to come through. The poll ended up catching both women by their necks, making them swing off their feet and land on their backs. It was quite a sight to behold, and Volga would tell you. Having somewhat of a gentlemen side, he helped them up.

Impa says, "Lana, this has to end. We can't take it anymore. As far as we know, Cia could be right. If Wizzro disappeared, who is to say that any of us are safe from that fate."

"Actually," Midna interjects. "It's kind of good riddance that Wizzro is gone." Many of the warriors shrug and nod in agreement.

Zelda raises an eyebrow to those who agree with Midna. "But still," she says. "When people start disappearing, we know there is a problem. Lana, we have to somehow get rid of this virus. As much as it's hurt you, it's hurt us more."

Lana knows that Zelda is correct. "Ok, but how do we get rid of it?"

Cia gives a smug smile. "I think I know of a way."

…

There were two different endings to Cia's plan. The first was that Lana explodes. The virus would have been gone, but so would have Lana. The second was that the procedure would be painful, but Lana would survive and the virus would be gone, as well as any effects it had erased from time. The warriors took a chance by going with Cia's plan. Lucky for Lana, the latter of the two endings came to be. Pretty much all of the effects of Lana's magical sneezes were erased. Nobody had their memory erased, but at least the physical effects are gone for good. Wizzro has returned unharmed, Midna's ear is back to normal, and Darunia's hammer no longer makes toast, as well as everything else returned to normal. Impa wonders where her bread had wandered off to while it was a turtle. Other than that, everything is just hunky dory.

A month later, Ruto holds a chat session. Many questions come up; the previous four weeks was very busy. The last question goes to Fi, and she asks probably the most interesting question of them all- "What would have happened if Lana's illness wasn't cured?"

…Let's just say that nobody wants to find out.

Author's Notes- I had loads of fun thinking of all the goofy effects Lana's magical sneezes had on everyone. I expected this story to be a shorter one, but I guess I got a little carried away. I know I rammed some of the jokes I had in this one to the ground... Did I get carried away with some of the jokes? But anyways, the poll is still in motion, and if you have any suggestions as to what I should do with the results, please share them with me.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15- Most Loyal of Partners

Link is the hero. Zelda is the princess. Ruto is also a princess, but to the warriors, she's the snooty one. Most just consider Darunia the burly, leader dude. The remaining warriors consider him the "big brother". Lana is the perky one. Fi is the one that everybody goes to for boring statistics. And so on and so forth.

Midna qualifies for many roles. She's sarcastic. She puts on a tough act, but once you get to know her, an entirely new light shines upon her. Your relationship with Midna is determined by few factors, most of which nobody really knows. Midna has her mysterious motives for trusting one person, but not trusting another. She's a formidable foe and a beloved princess at the same time.

Speaking of Midna, she is also a pet-owner. One of the most popular pets in the Twilight Realm is the Twilight Wolf. They became popular pets for Twili after their realm was saved by the hero of their era, whom first appeared in the form of a wolf. Midna loves every one of her Twilight Wolves; all three of them. Eclipse and Umbra are special, but not quite as special as Shade. Eclipse and Umbra are the two wolves Lana refers to as the "true fighters". They are the two that Midna uses against enemies; they physically get into the action. Shade is considered the "princess's loyal stead". Shade is the wolf all the warriors are familiar with; the wolf that Midna gallantly rides into battle on.

Some sense that there is some favoritism between Midna and her wolves, despite Midna's claims otherwise. At least, she wants to believe there is no favoritism. Not even she knows why she spends more time brushing Shade's fur than the other two. Eclipse and Umbra work just as hard as Shade, perhaps even harder, and yet, Midna still feels closer to Shade than the other two, as if their hearts are one.

Alas, this dispute is for another time. At Twilight Field, a battle starts to brew. Midna sits idle on Shade's back, obviously in deep contemplation.

"Midna! The battle has started!" Lana screams.

Midna is awoken from her daze. She looks at Lana, wide-eyed with alert. "Oh, sorry. I wasn't listening. That mysterious voice was speaking of us again."

"I didn't hear it."

"It was speaking specifically of me," Midna explains. "The voice seems to know everything, and I hate it. My personal thoughts are for me and me only."

Lana flips through her spell book. She says, "I would love to sit down and talk about this, but maybe we can do that another time. Right now, we've got something bigger to attend to."

Midna nods. "Right." She leans in close to Shade's ear. "Alright, buddy, you ready for this?" she asks. Shade gives a reassuring grimace, pleasing Midna. She sits back up and charges into battle.

…

The end of fall approached all too fast. Nothing much happens in the winter, when the crisp, autumn breeze becomes too nippy for comfort. The sky is no longer blue, but a deep gray that appears to never end. Midna and Zant have always been mesmerized by snow. The Twilight Realm has pretty much one season, so the idea of winter is unheard of. It rains, but never snows. Zant uses snow as a good reason to shroud Hyrule in twilight; he says that changing weather is just so confusing and bad. But Midna doesn't think the same way. Sure, the twilight is home, but there are many wonders of Hyrule and the light world that have a mystifying beauty. The first time Midna and Zant saw a fresh blanket of snow, they had very different reactions. Zant desperately started searching for familiar ground, but Midna only awed at the endless white. She had never seen so much white in her entire life. Zant didn't care much for the white, and got really scared really fast when he couldn't find anything that was a dark color. Sure, he was wearing black, but that didn't seem to satisfy him.

This winter, the first snowflakes fall in late November when everyone is asleep. Midna had stayed up to see the twilight in Hyrule, but then fell asleep under a lone tree on a hillside. Eager to see his mistress, Shade managed to find a way to get from the Twilight Palace to Hyrule. From there, he had no trouble seeking out the whereabouts of his mistress. Though under the protection of the fall leaves on the tree, the snowflakes still find a way to gently blow onto the sleeping princess. This makes her pull her legs in close to the rest of her body, unconsciously attempting to keep herself warm. Her faithful wolf makes his way to her side, and with his fur, shields his mistress from the cold. For an unknown reason (perhaps metabolism), he has been getting fatter. The extra fat helps generate warmth as well.

Perhaps the true bond between Midna and her wolf was what kept Midna warmer that night than those who were actually in beds under a roof.

…

"My fault?! How is this my fault?!" Ghirahim screams to his co-minion.

Through an unseen set of circumstances, Volga is especially cranky and managed to tie Ghirahim and Zant to a pole out in the middle of nowhere. This nowhere may be Lon Lon Ranch, but nobody can tell for sure. It is also noteworthy that Volga managed to get the two tied to the pole upside down. Despite having all the blood rush to their brains, neither of them has thought of any way to get out of their predicament.

That's when Midna comes to the scene. Like expected, Shade followed along. Midna, being the perfect height, walks over to Zant and peers down at his face, as if trying to look up his nose. It doesn't work regardless because he's wearing a mask.

"What are you doing?"

Midna shrugs, steps back, and smiles. "I didn't expect to see this today. I mean, I heard something happened here, but never, ever would I have guessed I'd come and find this."

Midna wasn't the only one who heard news of commotion in this area. Wizzro was sent to investigate what Volga had done here. He knew whatever it was Volga did here must have been odd, but this is ridiculous.

Midna peers around the pole, seeing the wizard. She gestures to the pole and asks, "Did you ever expect to see this?" She stands with attitude, leaning to one side with a hand on her hip.

Wizzro wickedly grins. "I've got an idea. Let's finish what Volga started. We can get some firewood and start a magnificent bonfire." And Ghirahim thought his mind was twisted.

Midna looks appalled. "No! That would be horrid." Relief washes over Zant and Ghirahim.

Then Midna finishes her thought; "We'll turn them right-side up first. Then we can get a fire started." Wizzro and Midna have never been friends, but Wizzro can't help but love Midna's dark wit.

Shade nudges Midna's side with his nose. Midna turns her attention to her wolf. Shade gives a confused expression, tilting his head and lowering one ear. Midna just smiles and pats Shade's head lovingly.

She turns her attention back to Ghirahim and Zant. "But seriously, I suppose we should get them down."

"I wouldn't. Volga will come to his senses and release them later. If not," Wizzro shrugs. "We could always come back and burn them before they starve to death. Put them out of their misery."

Midna rolls her eyes. "Do you have any sense of humanity?"

Wizzro laughs. "No."

Shade, eager to get this dispute over with so his mistress will pay attention to what's really important, makes his way to the poll. With one fell jump, he jumps high and grabs the ropes with his teeth, cutting the ropes. Ghirahim manages to do an impressive hand stand and hop onto his feet from that position. Zant's landing isn't so impressive. His helmet is the perfect cone shape; acting like the point of a knife.

Wizzro frowns. "Talk about anti-climactic," he complains.

Shade returns to his mistress's side. Midna gives him a loving rub. They both know that what he did was the right thing to do.

Ghirahim has to grab Zant's flailing legs and pull to get the Twili unstuck. Once Zant is free from the grasps of the ground, he scrambles to his feet, knocking Ghirahim onto his rear end. This humors Midna, but not enough to make her laugh aloud.

A large roar fills each of the warrior's eardrums, shaking their cores. Once the defining roar ceases, Ghirahim turns to Zant and asks, "Did you summon Argorok?" Zant only shakes his head in response.

The source of the roar appears in a fiery inferno in the sky. The great dragon form of the warrior Volga soars into the scene. He seems to have sensed that his victims have been released. Despite this, the cause of his fury is unknown.

The instinct of the warriors is to flee. Wizzro is the first to make himself scarce, disappearing under the ground. As a defensive measure, Zant starts recklessly spinning around Ghirahim, creating a pitch-black tornado of sorts. Both Zant and Ghirahim are able to hide in the center, where it is calm and where they are shrouded from the dragon's vision. They seem to disappear along with the whirlwind.

Volga inhales as deeply as possible, fueling a massive orb of flames inside of him. Midna is frozen by the dragon's magnificence. Heroically, Shade reaches up and grabs one of the arms of the Fused Shadow upon Midna's head, pulling her out of harm's way. If he hadn't both he and Midna would have been engulfed in Volga's orb of flames. Lifting Midna onto his back, Shade dashes as quickly as possible away from the massive creature.

To summarized, everyone who encountered Volga and his beastly rage escaped unharmed. Shade retreats to the safety of the Twilight. In Twilight Fields, one of the keeps is shielded from the light and surrounded by twilight. When Shade stops running, Midna takes a few moments to process what she just witnessed and how she escaped from it.

Her thought process is disrupted when Shade falls onto his side, exhausted. Midna is tossed onto the ground. She hastily gets up, powered by concern for her companion. Shade was once a pup; but no longer. His appetite has grown, and he has gained weight. Midna assumes that is the reason for his exhaustion. Now that they have a moment of peace, Midna takes a special pet hairbrush out from the mysterious hammer space she possesses, crawls to Shade's side, and starts brushing his fur. The quiet settled in, and by late evening, it was like nothing had ever happened.

…

Link builds a snowman in front of the castle.

"Link!" Midna hurries across the snow-barren ground to get to Link. For once in a very long time, she actually uses her feet. She trips about halfway to the hero, but she doesn't let that stop her. "Link, I can't find Shade," she cries.

Link holds up his index finger, requesting the princess give him a minute to concentrate on his snowman. This leaves Midna at a standstill. Very carefully, Link places a top hat on the snowman. Once the top hat is positioned perfectly, Link gives a satisfied grunt and turns his attention to Midna.

Midna takes a deep, staggered inhale, obviously upset. She says, "I can't find Shade. You know, my Twilight wolf; I can't find him. Usually he's at the palace in the mornings, but he wasn't there this morning. I checked the entire palace. I don't know where else to look. You have to help me find him."

The wind blows the snowman's top hat off. The top hat is carried with the breeze. Link desperately chases after it. Midna watches, and she is appalled that Link is more concerned with the well-being of his snowman than her.

Very carefully, Link places the top hat back on the snowman, emitting another satisfied grunt after he's finished. Distressed and irritated, Midna winds up and forcefully punches the snowman into oblivion. She even adds a battle cry; the one where she just screams at the top of her lungs. The rebound is successful, and Midna returns to her original position.

"She's a snowman murderer!" Proxi yells, "Quick, Link, we've got to protect the snow-person village! Think of the snow-children!" With that, Link starts to trudge his way through the snow. The snow is only a few inches or so high, but it is difficult to walk through, nonetheless.

Midna uses her hair to grab Link and turn him around. She frowns. "This is serious, Link," she says. Her bottom lip starts to quiver. "I can't find Shade. I need help."

…

Within about thirty minutes, Link and Midna managed to gather a large group of warriors. Zelda, Impa, Lana, Fi, Agitha, Darunia, and Ruto have all been gathered. Midna explains the scenario then and there. She adds all the details; Shade's description, the past few days, etc.

"HM, that's odd," Darunia talks aloud to himself.

Midna nods. "I don't know whether it was something I did, or if-,"

"I didn't know you actually cared about that thing," Darunia interrupts.

Midna flinches. "Wait, what?"

Ruto backs Darunia up. "Yeah, I can totally see where you're coming from. On the battlefield she's throwing those things like people through confetti at parties."

"HEY! Listen!" screams Zelda. Everybody is silenced.

When the awkward silence moment has passed, Fi says, "Perhaps I have some valuable information."

Without a second thought, Midna flies up into Fi's face and asks with enthusiasm, "You know where Shade is?!"

Fi says no.

Midna is no longer excited. She turns to Link and asks when they should start a search party.

Fi continues to talk- "I have observed that Shade is actually a female. I believe this fact could possibly shed some light on the whereabouts of your animal companion."

It takes a minute, but once Fi's information sinks in, the all of the facts suddenly makes sense, like finding the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle. "Great Hylia," Midna whispers, "I know where Shade is."

"So, you mean to tell us," Darunia asks, "that you knew where your pet wolf was this entire time?" Before he can get an answer, Midna floats away, assumingly headed to where she believes Shade is. Her fellow warriors follow her.

…

The warriors find Shade leaning against a warm rock in Twilight Field, just as Midna suspected. Another one of Midna's wolves, Umbra, is there as well. According to Fi, they had just missed the delivery of Shade's four pups.

"Well I'll be a Zora's old man," Darunia says upon glimpsing at Shade's new family. "It looks like you're going to have your hands full for a while, Midna."

As thrilling as it is to see puppies, Midna is more relieved to see that her faithful companion is well.

Agitha starts jumping up and down. "Let's name them! Let's name the puppies!"

While most of the group starts brainstorming names, Fi brings Link's attention to the footprints in the light coat of snow on the ground. The footprints are fresh. They appear to be shoe prints, but then suddenly change to dragon-like footprints. Link is aware of a particular lore about Twilight animals; at the birth of most wild Twilight mammals, birds, and reptiles, a dragon comes to witness and give its blessing to the offspring. The question- who did the boot footprints belong to?

"Name one of them 'Link'!" All of the warriors agree on that one. Midna considers this, but then decides amongst herself that there is only one Link. She tells the group that she will consider all the possibilities and then decide what names will mean the most.

"Very well said, Princess Midna," Impa compliments. Gradually, everyone starts to leave to continue their day-to-day lives. Naturally, Midna stays the longest. She refuses to leave Shade's side until Shade is ready to continue life as usual (with the exception of a new family to look after).

It took a long time, but eventually, a couple of the pups were given a name. There are two girls and two boys, at least, according to Fi. One of the baby girls bounded in the snow very playfully. Midna settled on naming that one Snowy. For the remaining baby girl, Midna remembered how Link pointed out how its eyes glittered in the light. Midna named that one Sparkle. Names for the boy pups are very difficult to come up with. Midna played around with a few ideas. In honor of one of her enemies, Midna put his name on the list of possible candidates for one of the pups. She could love on Wizzro the puppy, which would leave her enough time to despise the original Wizzro. Other possible names Midna is considering are Ruffles, Moon, Termina (after she thought of 'Moon', this one just randomly came to mind, and she doesn't even know what it means), Winter Wind (WW for short), Hyrule (in honor of Zelda), and Chips (Midna really likes chips; so salty and delicious). She decides to sleep on it. Perhaps more names will come to her.

Now that she's got the names figured out, she can figure out another potential issue- how is she going to keep Zant away from the pups?

Author's Notes- Since I don't have chapter 16 done yet, I just decided to post chapter 15 all by itself. So, I have a few questions for my readers. First, if I were to mention Shade's puppies again, what should the names of the two boy puppies be? It could be one from the story, or something you come up with. Since there are two puppies to be named, I'll name one of them the name from the story most voted on, and the other one a new name that one of you guys suggest. That sounds logical.  
Secondly, I am conflicted. Do I give equal attention to all of the warriors? If I don't, is that ok? I suppose the real question here is this- what one or two warriors do you guys want to see in chapter 16?  
Ok, this is the final question. I hope to take the results of the current poll and use them for something special. When I reach chapter 20, should I use the results to create a sequel to the winning chapter in the poll? If you have any other ideas of what to do with the poll results, please share. I would love to hear them. With that said, if you haven't voted yet, please do that. Don't let the results end in a tie. Otherwise I'll really be lost about what to do with the results.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16- Trapped in the Eldin Caves

For once in a long time, Zelda has to recall her troops from battle. Zelda's forces flee for the exit of the Eldin Caves.

"All troops! Fall back!" Zelda calls. She stands at the exit, making sure all of her troops make it out before her.

Cia stands at the enemy base. She was just getting started. Seeing her enemies flee without a real fight makes her mad. Volga watches as Cia charges at full speed out of their base to catch Zelda before she flees with her troops. He stays at the base, figuring that this is Cia's battle; not his. If his enemy wishes to surrender, then he won't stop them. On a side note, staying at the base gave him the opportunity to witness an exhausted Wizzro stagger into the base. Volga, though he would really like to, refrains from saying to his fellow minion "I told you that you should have exercised."

Link checks the allied base, just in case some of the men didn't get the memo that they were fleeing the battle. Before he makes for the exit himself, he catches a glimpse of Cia out of the corner of his eye. On instinct, he intercepts her path. Cia stops in her tracks. The way Link stands makes it look like he is challenging her.

Cia lets her magic flow from her fingers into her scepter. With a graceful twirl, she strikes down, aimed to whip Link from above. Link expertly dodges to the side. The end of Cia's scepter lashes the floor of the cave, sending waves of magical energy through the rocks. Link charges his sword and lunges at Cia. Cia blocks the attack. The combined power of Link's sword and the stored energy in Cia's scepter unleash an energy wave in the air, cracking the walls of the cave. Like an earthquake, the interior of the cave shakes. The tremor isn't violent, but it is enough to make Volga shift his feet to keep his balance.

The last of Zelda's forces exit the cave. Without a second thought, Zelda does the same. On the opposite end of the cave, Volga follows his instinct and flees for the nearest exit as well. Wizzro, unsure of what to do, follows Volga.

The weak points of the cave collapse, including the exits. Those on the outside of the cave are on the outside, and those who are on the inside will remain inside.

…

When the cave started to collapse, Cia fled for the nearest exit. She was too late. Her first instinct was to beat on the rocks until they collapsed. Her attempt was unsuccessful. Her next action was to go to the base. Neither of her army commanders is there. She assumes that they fled the cave before the exits collapsed. She'd expect that from Wizzro, but for Volga to completely abandon her like that is unusual.

In the process of searching for an exit, Cia comes across some of her lowly soldiers. She is relieved, at least until they scowl and blame her for this. A Lizalfos leads what's left of their army to turn against Cia. Cia is forced to run from her own army.

After about twenty seconds of running, she realizes that this is stupid. She continues to run anyways.

Link also runs from surviving members of Cia's army. The two pass each other. Cia stops, quickly attacking the traitors, and then watches Link. The two make eye-contact. As if telepathically communicating, the two join forces against the traitorous army.

…

Together they defeat the army of lowly enemies. They've each acquired a few scratches, but they aren't complaining. Link puts his sword away, nods once to Cia, and returns to searching for an exit.

Cia won't let Link just walk away. She decides to taunt him, so she says, "You couldn't handle a group of puny enemies all by yourself?"

Link stops and turns towards Cia. "As a matter of fact, I could have. If I were you, I wouldn't be picking on me for running. You ran too, you know."

Cia's eyes widen. "Oh, so you do talk."

"Uh, yeah," Link says, "we established this in chapter 9."

"Wait, what?"

Link shakes his head and holds up a hand. "Never mind." It is better to drop the subject.

An eerie silence fills the cave. The only sounds come from bats and the lava.

"I suppose we should-,"

"So now what do-,"

Both started speaking at the same time, and they stopped at the same time. Link says, "Sorry, you go."

"No, it's ok. What were you going to say?" Cia replies.

"Oh, ok," Link explains. "I was going to say that we should start looking for an exit together, but… um."

"That's what I was going to say," and with that said, Cia starts walking. She walks past Link. Link follows. For no particular reason, Cia takes off her mask. She leaves her hat on; just removed the mask to allow her eyes full range of view.

In the keep in the very middle of the battlefield, Link stops to grab the contents of a heart jar. Cia waits at one of the entrances. She has to wait even longer when Link sits down and empties the pebbles out of his boots. With irritation, Cia asks, "Are you done yet?"

Link stands up, brushes off his backside, and says, "We're in no rush. Also, we just defeated a small army. We could use a rest," he then takes a break and continues by saying, "Don't forget; a little waiting never killed anybody."

"What are you, a chilled traffic police?"

"Sometimes."

This leaves Cia at a loss for words. Link laughs. For being stuck in a cave, he's decently happy. This makes no sense to Cia. He walks past her with a certain grin which would irritate the calmest of people. If he winked, it would be the perfect imitation of Ghirahim; perhaps a better imitation of Ghirahim than the original Ghirahim can do. Thinking of Ghirahim reminds Cia that she hasn't been out in the sun in a while. Before Link leaves her behind, she catches up.

…

Eventually, Link and Cia enter the crystalized portion of the cave. When they enter the main keep, memories flood in. Link admires the beauty of the keep; he hasn't been able to simply gaze at the crystals without enemy attack being imminent.

"This is where I found the ring," Cia randomly announces. Link faces Cia. Cia looks at Link and asks, "Did I say that aloud?"

"The ring?" Link asks.

Cia divulges the details. At first she wonders if it is ok to tell the 'enemy' about it, but ultimately decides that what's in the past can't hurt anybody. Link finds the story fascinating.

Cia chuckles. "Before that, I never thought I'd ever say that I was being betrayed by jewelry."

Link laughs. He says, "I've actually been reading stories of my past lives. I've had some pretty weird experiences myself. In one life, a skull kid with a very powerful mask turned me into a deku scrub."

For the next fifteen minutes, Cia and Link exchange stories. Cia, having watched Link over the course of several generations, already knows most of his stories, but she lets him tell his side of the story nonetheless.

Cia's favorite story is the one where he was from a small island called Outset. He sailed more seas in that life than all of the pirates he met in that life combined. In that life, he did a lot of talking to himself while sailing. It was entertaining to listen to. Link's favorite story that Cia told was the one about Volga's birthday. By the end of the day, since nobody had even said happy birthday, he went into a tantrum. Then, just to mock him, Wizzro said happy birthday to him every day after that for two weeks until Volga started yelling at him that it wasn't his birthday.

…

Speaking of Volga and Wizzro-

"Want to play soccer?"

"I don't have any legs…"

"Hmm…. Football?"

"That's the same game, and again, I don't have any legs."

"I meant American football, stick arms!"

Yeah, there really isn't much to say. Let's just say that they are trying to entertain themselves while Cia is away.

…

Link and Cia chat the night away, eventually getting tired and taking a nap. In the cave, there is no way of telling what time it is. What seems like a few hours to Link and Cia is really an entire day in the outside world.

(And yes, for the remaining 4 hours of daylight after the cave collapses, Volga keeps suggesting games they could play that require having feet, which Wizzro does not possess. After Volga suggests all the games he played as a child, which Wizzro has played none of them, Volga comments on how Wizzro must have been a really depressed child. Then they go to bed.)

For the first couple days in the cave, Link and Cia make do of what resources they have. Using the lava, they are able to roast the remains of the traitors from Cia's army. Who knew that Lizalfos was actually pretty tasty? After that, Link finds that he has a couple beans in his pocket. They plant the beans in soft dirt and collect water from stalactites and stalagmites. Cia uses a growth spell to speed up the process of the bean growth. Using rocks, Link is able to carve a rock stove. They manage to get lava into the stove without injuring themselves.

After a week, Zelda finally realizes that Link is gone. She takes her strongest men to the cave and they try to bash down the piles of rock that block the cave exit. The echoes are heard throughout the cave. Link freaks out, thinking that King Dodongo is knocking at the front door. (He's lost a tad bit of sanity by that time.) Using what little strength she has left, Cia uses magic to seal the exit tighter. Only after she does it that she remembers that they are trying to find a way out of the cave. She tells Link about it, but Link cares about as much as a drunk person cares about anything in general. After that first attempt, Zelda just assumes that Link is dead. They mourn over their 'fallen' hero.

…

Finally, at the end of two weeks, Link falls ill. This is a wake-up call for Cia. Desperately, she tries to remember where the exits of the cave originally were. She desperately searches the wall for a soft spot. Just as she gives up, a dragon claw breaks through the wall.

Volga stands on the outside of the cave. He morphs back into his human form and peaks through the hole he made in the wall. Wizzro comes up behind him and says, "It's been two weeks, Volga. Cia is dead. D-E-D, dead."

Volga calls Cia's name. It takes a moment, but then Cia responds from inside the cave. Wizzro thinks for a moment that the dead has responded to Volga's call.

"Hang on, Cia. Step back and I'll break down this rock," Volga tells his mistress.

As Volga steps back, Cia starts running to go get Link. She says, "Ok! I'll go get Link!" With that, she charges for the keep that she and Link had been saying.

Volga slams his body weight against the rocks. Wizzro can barely hear himself speaking over Volga's slamming noises. Wizzro raises his voice. "Wait, did she just say she ate a mink?!"

Volga stops to reply to the wizard. "I believe that is what she said. She is malnourished and can't think straight. She must be rescued," he says with a mixture of concern and determination.

"Why can't we just leave Cia to die?" Wizzro asks.

Finally, Volga bashes through the wall, screaming a battle cry as he does so. When the dust clears, the first thing he sees is Cia dragging a sickly-looking Link towards his newly created exit. Volga hesitates, but then assists Cia in carrying Link to the exit. Wizzro leaves to mourn over the loss of his newly found freedom.

…

Both Link and Cia are nursed back to health. Cia heals much more quickly than Link.

"Mistress, we are rested and ready for battle," Volga reports.

Wizzro gives an unenthusiastic "woo-hoo."

"Where shall we attack next, and when are we to head out?"

Cia stands with her back turned to her minions. Being trapped the Eldin Caves with her love interest has humbled her (to a certain degree). She simply smiles and turns towards her minions. "I think we can afford to give Zelda's forces a chance to ready themselves."

Volga and Wizzro can hardly believe it.

Author's Notes- Progress has been slow. I originally wanted to post both 16 and 17 at the same time, but to be honest, I haven't even started 17. I'm working on it, though. Thanks to everyone who have suggested names for the wolf pups and ideas for future chapters. It helps turn the gears in my head. I still like suggestions, so if you have any, I'd love to hear them. Vote on the poll if you haven't, because I have no idea what I'll do if there is a draw.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17- All Those Babies

"Ha! You all might as well be babies, because that was pathetic,"- this was Volga yesterday evening.

If Volga knew that some mysterious power would literally turn all of the warriors but him into babies, he probably would have curved his tongue. Today, Volga is the only adult of the 15 warriors. He literally flew through all of the lands and eras, finding that each and every one of the warriors are now anywhere from about two weeks of age to about two years of age.

Currently, Volga watches Baby Cia play with a rattle. To pacify her crying, he had to get the rattle off a rattle snake and attach it to a stick. Cia is quiet with the exception of the rattle noise and a laugh from her every once in a while.

"This is bad. This is very, very bad," Volga talks to himself aloud. What is he supposed to do now? All of his possible opponents are in their infancy. Babies aren't fun to fight. You flick them in the nose and they cry. Plus, Volga is a fair fighter. If he has to fight, he wants his opponent to at least have a chance against him.

There has to be an answer. Could someone have done this? Is there someone he can talk to? Could he reason with someone to fix everything? Perhaps a musical instrument to reverse time? Magical hair that can heal people, as well as make people younger? (Well, actually, if he made some of the warriors any younger, they would cease to exist.) A magical pool that when bathed in can restore you to your prime? Example; if you're just a ghostly blob that can fly, the pool can restore you back to a time when you had a body? That might not be as helpful in this situation, either. But, if that existed, it would be worth a try.

It takes a while, but Volga finally goes to see a great fairy. He takes Baby Cia with him.

"Great Fairy, I need to speak with you," Volga calls to the fairy at the Valley of Seers.

The Great Fairy appears, laughing as per the usual. "Why hello there. You're Volga the dragon knight, right? Ha ha ha! Knight, and right-they rhyme. See?" Volga starts to question how desperate he really is, considering that he came to see _this_ crazy lady.

Volga gets down to the point. "I have to consult with you about a peculiar situation." He holds up Baby Cia.

"Aw!" the Great Fairy gawks. "It's a baby! How adorable!"

"Cia, as well as the rest of the warriors, have been turned into infants and toddlers. I don't know how or why, but they must be returned to their proper ages. Who knows what will happen if they aren't."

The Great Fairy is almost all-knowing. Not quite all- knowing, but decently close. She laughs and says, "You are lonely, Volga. You want your mistress returned to normal because you are lonely."

"W-well, I want everyone back; not just Cia," Volga says. This statement is true, but he refuses to acknowledge that the Great Fairy might be on to something when she says that he is lonely.

The Great Fairy chuckles to herself. "I can fix this. I can return everything to normal."

Volga smiles. "That would be great. Please, whenever you are ready."

"That is," the Great Fairy state, "if you let yourself show your sensitive side."

"Um… excuse me?" Volga is genuinely confused.

The Great Fairy moves to a position in the air as if she was lying with her stomach on a bed. She reaches down and gently takes Baby Cia. With her other hand, she gently strokes Baby Cia's head. "Your sensitive side, Dragon Knight. Nurture these children; be their guardian."

Volga scowls. "I will not stoop so low as to play baby-sitter. I am a warrior!"

The Great Fairy shrugs; her expression changing from kind to stern. "Very well, then. I will restore the warriors to their appropriate age. However, each must be properly cared for until I have stored enough magic to do so."

Volga is eager to get this over with. "Fine. Just tell me what I have to do."

"It is your job to feed, shelter, clothe, and other necessary deeds to assure the well-being of each warrior while they are in this state. If just one of them is unwell in any way, I might refuse to restore them to their proper ages."

Volga is stunned. This just got serious. He gently takes Baby Cia from the Great Fairy.

"Good luck," the Great Fairy says, and then makes her departure.

…

So, it is probably in Volga's best interest to round up each of the warriors. His first destination is Hyrule Fields. He created a sling-like object to go around his body so he can carry Baby Cia on his back. It is also in Volga's best interest not to morph into his dragon form. Flying is not an option when you have to carry an infant on your back.

Conveniently, it isn't hard to find Baby Link. Inconveniently though, Baby Link has his hands on the boomerang. He throws it at Epona, whom grazes in the field nearby. The child has a good throw. The boomerang hits the horse, causing Epona to start stampeding. Of course this task couldn't be easy.

Quickly, Volga weighs his options. He could an awesome barrel roll, grabbing Baby Link and rolling out of the way. He has to rule that option out because he has Baby Cia on his back. Using fire breath is just a bad idea in general. No morphing allowed. This might be harder than he thought.

Before Baby Link is trampled by Epona, Volga jumps in front, stopping the horse with his hands. Thankfully, the force doesn't knock Volga back. The loud noises of the horse scare Baby Link, and he starts to cry. Epona trots off. Volga scoops Baby Link up into his arms and lifts Baby Link over his shoulder and into the carrier with Baby Cia. The warmth of Baby Cia calms Baby Link, and his crying slowly decreases until it ceases completely. That's one baby down, three more to go; that is, in Hyrule.

Volga finds Baby Impa in the kitchen of the castle. Of course she's on the counter crawling towards the knives. Volga figures that the longer he sits and watches, the closer to a catastrophe happening, so he gets Impa out of there quickly. Two down, two to go. Also while at the castle, Volga snatches up Baby Zelda before she gets too close to the stairs. The satchel of kids starts to become heavy.

There is one baby left to find, and more than likely save from a disaster. It appears that Baby Lana is nowhere to be found in the castle, so Volga goes searching elsewhere. Just as he is about to give up searching in Hyrule Fields, there is a rustle in the tall flowers. A tiny head with short, blue hair pops out. Classic Lana. Volga reaches down to pick her up. Toddler Lana retreats into the flowers, running out from the other side, giggling all the way. Volga chases after her, eventually catching her. Getting Toddler Lana was pretty easy. That's all four children from Hyrule Fields and the castle. Next stop- Skyloft.

…

Who knew that Fi could be a toddler? Volga finds Toddler Fi giving statistics to a honey bee. "Your lifespan is exactly 2 weeks. You will actually die tomorrow, little bee." Fi is giving statistics at one and a half years old. Carrying several kids on his back, Volga trudges over to Fi.

"Greetings. There is a stroller in that building, if that serves as any assistance," Fi informs. Some people never change, no matter how old they are. Volga uses his information to his advantage; he takes the stroller, dumps all the babies in it, and grabs Fi along the way.

A few minutes later, Volga isn't surprised to see Baby Ghirahim taking a nap on top of a hand mirror. Once again, some people never change. Next stop- the Twilight Realm.

…

Unfortunately, there is no elevator to the top floor of the castle. Volga has to carry Toddlers Lana and Fi on his back and the stroller with the rest of the babies with his biceps up three flights of stairs. By the time he reaches the top floor, his buttocks are burning.

"Yay! Again!" cheers Toddler Lana. Toddler Fi informs Toddler Lana that Volga is very tired, but Lana has no idea what Fi is saying. For a toddler, Fi uses big words.

Baby Midna floats in the air around the room. To grab her, Volga has to reveal his wings and gently fly up to Baby Midna. Toddler Lana and Toddler Fi stare in astonishment. Baby Midna starts bawling, which wakes Baby Ghirahim from his nap. He realizes that his hand mirror isn't there, so he starts bawling too. Then all the babies start bawling because sadness is contagious. Toddler Lana looks over the side of the stroller. Her eyes can barely peak over the edge. She asks with her small, sweet voice, "What's the matter, little babies?"

"Lana, I feel I must inform you that you are pushing the stroller towards the stairs," Fi informs. Lana ignores her.

The stroller does reach the stairs, and starts to hop down. Miraculously, it hits the wall at the end of the first flight, and stops. None of the babies are injured. Volga stands at the top of the stairs, his jaw agape.

"Oops," Lana murmurs. The look of guilt on her face accompanies the tone of her voice very well.

…

The remaining babies are decently easy to find. Baby Zant took Baby Agitha's bottle, so Volga returned the bottle to Agitha and picked up the kids on the way. Baby Darunia weighs more than the average infant should, and Volga resorts to carrying Baby Darunia in the sling on his back. The stroller is almost full, anyway. Baby Ruto happily splashes in a puddle, so Volga picks her up and dries her with a towel before putting her in the stroller with the others. In Gerudo Desert, Toddler Ganondorf tackles a Bokoblin. Volga has a feeling that Ganondorf will be okay by himself. Ultimately, Fi predicts that Ganondorf's aggression is going to lead him into deep trouble, so Volga decides to watch Ganondorf too. Ganondorf refuses to come along willingly, so Volga finds a vine and uses it as a leash around Ganondorf's waist, connecting it to the stroller. Surprisingly, this works.

Back at the Valley of Seers, Volga counts the children. He has to do a few recounts, coming up short one each time. It takes a while, but he eventually realizes that it is his co-minion that he is missing. Who knows where Wizzro is, or if he is okay.

While Volga sorts out this dilemma in his head, Toddler Lana makes an interesting discovering. She waddles over to Volga, pulling on the leg of his pants. "There is a creepy pile of rags with two sticks behind the couch." Curious as to what this means exactly, Volga goes to investigate. Sure enough, there is a small pile of purple cloth with two stick arms sleeping in a puddle of drool behind the couch. This pile is otherwise known as Baby Wizzro.

…

Eventually, Volga situates all of the babies on the couch. Volga tried very hard not to wake Baby Wizzro by moving him to the couch, but accidently does wake the baby wizard. Luckily, baby Wizzro goes back to sleep without a fuss. It takes an hour or two, but finally, all of the babies go to sleep on the couch. Volga can't help but smile at the sight of Baby Ghirahim sleeping on top of Baby Zant.

Toddler Lana is on the opposite side of the room lying on a small bed made on the floor. Fi is sleeping beside her. Ganondorf fell asleep standing up in the corner of the room.

"I'm not tired."

Volga looks back at Lana, who now sits up in bed. He says, "It's late, Lana. You need to sleep."

Lana shakes her head and says, "I can't. I'm scared."

Volga considers telling her to suck it up, but reminds himself that emotional well-being is included in all-around well-being. He quietly walks over to the side of the small pallet of blankets, and sits down. He asks, "Does it help if I sit beside you?"

Lana shrugs and gently nods. She lies back down, pulling the covers up over her shoulder. After a moment of silence, Lana asks, "Can you tell me a story?"

Volga lowers his shoulders, annoyed. Really? Now he has to tell a story? This is unbelievable. How does a story put people to sleep anyways? In response, he tells Lana no.

"Please?" Lana's bottom lip quivers. She gives Volga the puppy-dog eyes. Not even Volga can say no to the puppy-dog eyes. He finally gives in and asks what kind of story Lana wants to hear. She tells him that she wants a story with action and romance. She wants a story with a happy ending. Those are Volga's least favorite stories because there are no happy endings in real life.

"Lana, those kind of stories are all fake," he bluntly tells her.

Lana gives him a quizzical look. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that there are no happy endings in real life."

Lana asks, "How do you know?" This leaves Volga at a blank. He can't think of a good reason off the top of his head. He decides to go with what he knows for certain; his life has been rough. He says, "Because I've experienced it. There have been no happy endings in my life."

Quietly, Lana gets up and hugs Volga's arm. Her tiny arms barely reach all the way around his biceps. With her sweet, quiet voice, she tells Volga that she hops he has a happy ending. Then and there, something happens. Volga can't identify the feeling he is having, but it feels like his heart is floating in outer space. He regurgitates some of his lunch, but keeps it inside of his mouth.

Lana looks up at him and releases. He holds up and finger and rushes out of the room. Lana doesn't know what she did, but at least she knows that she wished the best for Volga, and that makes her happy.

…

The next morning, Volga check in on the warriors. Most of the babies are still asleep. Impa lies awake, very quiet. She studies her hands. Ganondorf chases Fi around the room, and Lana sleeps peacefully. A strong odor wafts through the air. The unpleasant odor stings Volga's eyes. "Where is that coming from?"

Fi asks, "That stench?"

Volga nods.

Fi points to the babies. Oh dear. The following events would be best forgotten.

By eleven in the morning, all of the babies are awake. They all seem pretty content until Baby Wizzro starts crying. Baby Link and Baby Darunia don't seem to care. Link is too busy playing with Darunia's feet to notice, and Darunia chews on his fist. He glances at Zelda, but does nothing. Baby Ruto is next to start crying. The rest follow.

"Grah! Stop it!" Ganondorf yells.

Lana complains, "I'm hungry!"

This gives Volga an idea, but first, he needs to figure out what all of these warriors eat, especially at this age. He knows that Darunia eats rocks, which are pretty easy to find. He hands Darunia a pebble, and Darunia immediately eats it. Volga considers that a success because Darunia didn't choke. He figures that since Zoras live in the water, that Ruto must eat fish. She seems to be pretty happy with the leftover fried catfish. Fi questions this, but doesn't say anything. The remaining babies are all content with baby bottles of cow milk. This is good because they needed to use the milk before it spoiled.

All of the babies but Wizzro eats. He continues to cry. Lana asks, "What's wrong?" Both she and Baby Wizzro sit on the ground. He falls over, continuing the cry. Each time Lana sits him up straight, he just falls over again, usually to his right. Volga doesn't quite know what to think of this.

Volga eventually asks Fi for advice. He did ask Ganondorf, but Ganondorf's response was to kill him. Volga immediately chucks that option. Fi's suggestions, however, are extremely helpful. She suggests giving Wizzro some water, which will quench his thirst. Wizzro rejects the water. Fi suggests burping Wizzro. Volga has no idea how to do that. Lana tries patting Wizzro on the back, but nothing happens. Fi suggests giving Wizzro something hard to teethe on. Volga points out that Wizzro's teeth have already grown in, which is unusual. Fi inquires if Wizzro has any health problems. There is none that Volga is aware of. Fi states that Wizzro may just be in discomfort, and that there is really nothing they can do for it.

For the next two hours, Volga waits for the crying to stop. It doesn't. Someone is always crying. Volga did not enjoy this day.

…

For two more days, Volga nurtures the warriors. By the fourth day, the crying and stinky odor doesn't bother him. He often does a head count to make sure someone hasn't wandered off. The third day, Ganondorf ran all the way to the edge of the Valley of Seers before Volga finally realized he had escaped. Baby Zant and Baby Ghirahim got a kick out of slapping each other, once they figured out how to slap. When Zant tried slapping Midna, then things got ugly. Wizzro only stopped crying to sleep, and by lunch of the third day, Volga just put Wizzro in a sound-proof box.

On the last night, Volga finally decided to tell Lana a story. He told of magical words where dragons were the wisest and strongest of all creatures. He told Lana about some of the greatest dragons, and how they shaped the worlds. Lana went to sleep faster than any of the previous nights.

…

On the fifth day, the Great Fairy calls Volga to the fairy fountain. He is instructed to bring all of the warriors. He does as instructed. Once he reaches the fairy fountain, his heart starts to ache. He realizes that this journey has come to its end.

"Volga, where are we?" Lana asks. She gazes in awe at the wonder of the fairy fountain.

"We are at the fairy fountain, Lana. Someone wants to see us," Volga responds gently.

The Great Fairy appears, bursting out of the water. "Great sandstorms!" Ganondorf exclaims.

The Great Fairy gives an authoritative nod of approval. She says, "Volga, you have done very well. My only complaint is how you handled Wizzro's crying. You put him in a box."

Volga shrugs with a guilty look. He looks at the stroller. Baby Wizzro sleeps now, but once he wakes up, he'll be crying.

There is a moment of silence. The Great Fairy breaks the silence by saying, "You have grown just as much as your fellow warriors have through this experience, Volga. But now, just like I promised, things will return to the way they were." In response, Volga nods once.

Lana has a feeling that she might not see Volga again. She asks with concern, "What's going to happen to us?"

Volga looks at Lana. To ease her, he smiles and says, "Everything will return to the way it should be." Lana smiles.

…

With a simple whoosh, all of the warriors are back to normal. Most of them are stuck in the stroller, stuck. After ten seconds, the stroller blasts apart from the weight; most of it from Darunia. Ganondorf doesn't know why everyone was in a stroller, but he laughs hysterically. None of them have any memory of what happened. Neither the Great Fairy or Volga decide to tell them exactly what happened. Eventually, after some mingling, everyone returns to their respective realms.

On the way back to the Valley of Seers, Volga and Wizzro walk behind Cia. Cia is humiliated with the whole conundrum with the stroller, but refuses to acknowledge it.

When they are a good ways behind Cia, Volga asks, "Wizzro, can I ask you a question?"

"Technically yes. That was your question for the day."

Volga says, "Another question."

Wizzro rolls his one eye and gestures for Volga to continue.

Volga asks, "When you were very little, were you always in pain?"

Wizzro is taken back by Volga's strange question. He says, "Um… I'm not sure. That's a rather odd question…"

Volga shrugs. "I just wondered. You cried a lot, and we couldn't figure out why."

"What are you talking about?! Who's 'we'?!" Wizzro is really confused. Volga is practically talking nonsense. Before things get out of control, Volga drops the subject.

They return to their home base. Cia is aghast at the sight of the couch. There is dirt, spit up, and unidentifiable substances that reek all over it.

Cia turns to her minions. "Who… did THIS?!"

Volga suddenly has a spark of attitude. "You did, you giant idiot."

And so, the warriors have returned to normal thanks to Volga. And to this day, Cia still has her rattlesnake baby rattle.

Author's Notes- This idea brewed in the back of my head for a while, and then Medli forever suggested in the reviews something about Volga. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have done a chapter focusing on Volga. Also, I had a few references to movies in this chapter. Most of them at the beginning. I'm just curious to see if anyone finds them. Anyways, vote on the poll if you haven't already, and I guess I'd better start brainstorming for chapter 18.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18- The Great Sea

Nothing makes sense anymore. This stirs up an unidentifiable emotion in Fi. The most ridiculous of situations are the norm now. Even Link will ask where his boots are thirty seconds after he puts them on. If that isn't enough to prove the unscientific nonsense, Fi has recorded multiple times in her memory bank where Agitha was literally just standing there, and her pigtails were flipped upside down. No wind or anything. Nobody notices this but Fi; not even Agitha notices this strange glitch. Is that enough to prove that the law of physics no longer applies to the warriors for some reason?

Today, Fi and most of the other warriors awoke this morning to find themselves on a ship. The ship is old-fashion; all wood, a mast or two for the sails, etc. Nobody knows exactly where they are or how they got there. Thankfully, Link has searched the entire ship, finding no evidence of Ganondorf, Cia, or any warrior in affiliation with either of the two mentioned.

Almost immediately, there was a race for the wheel. If she could, Fi would have expressed her feelings of disgust towards her fellow warriors who declared themselves the most worthy of controlling which direction the boat went. It took about twenty minutes, but Zelda finally restored the peace and declared Link the captain. Link gets to drive. Everybody else just does what they feel needs to be done.

It is now afternoon. "Hey guys, is anybody else hungry?" Midna inquires. She sits on a canon looking out at the ocean.

"Are you kidding? I'm starving!" Darunia replies, and with that said, he and two others go below deck to grab a quick bite to eat.

Midna, Lana, and Darunia rummage through the supplies, which Fi was organizing. Lana finds salted meats and bread. Midna finds canned fruit and potatoes. Darunia finds nothing of his interest. He asks, "Wait, aren't there any rocks on this thing? Did nobody pack food for me?"

Midna has her mouth full of bread. She swallows and responds, "We didn't even plan this trip, let alone pack anything for it."

"Also, having a ton load of gourmet rocks on board would really weight us down," Lana adds.

Content, Midna and Lana make their way back up to the deck. Darunia sits there for a minute and wonders if he is going to starve to death on this trip. Meanwhile, Fi continues to organize things.

…

Agitha watches as Ruto swims gracefully alongside the ship. Ruto even swims on her back and waves to Agitha effortlessly. On the opposite side of the ship, Impa sickly leans over the rail. The constant sway of the massive ship on the waves won't allow Impa to keep her balance, and therefore, a nauseating sensation overwhelms her. Her strength of mind is what prevents her from vomiting.

Things become even more interesting when Zelda finds a map of the ocean in her shoe.

"You found a map… in your shoe?" Link asks with a disbelieving tone.

Zelda nods with excitement. "I don't know where we are, but I can point out where we are going!" This doesn't exactly make Link feel any better.

"Wouldn't it be more beneficial to know our current location before deciding our destination?" Fi joins in the conversation with a question.

Zelda rolls up the map and looks at Fi. "Oh Fi, where's your sense of adventure?"

Fi is not amused.

Darunia storms onto the deck, causing the boat to shift to the side. Impa jerks forward. She is tossed into the ocean. Midna is also tossed from the crow's nest, but she lands in the ropes and gets tangled. Zelda notices that Impa is gone and gasps.

Ruto gracefully jumps from the ocean onto the deck, carrying Impa. Impa is gently laid on the wooden deck.

Midna glares down at Darunia. "Hey heavyweight champ, remember when Lana said that gourmet rocks would weight us down?"

Darunia looks up at Midna. "Yeah, why?"

"Just the weight of the rocks would tip us over. We're already at the maximum limit."

Link rolls his eyes. "Midna, we already know that Darunia weighs a ton. You don't have to rub it in his face."

Midna gives Link the attitude. She says, "You won't be telling us to cut him some slack when this boat starts to sink."

Before things escalate, Fi informs everyone that to get home, they must cooperate. Zelda agrees that fighting isn't going to solve anything, so the argument is dropped. Afterwards, Darunia explains why he came storming onto the deck in the first place. He was coming to tell Zelda that he was going to starve unless they made it to an island with some suitable rocks to eat. This grates on Midna's nerves.

…

The first night is spent on the ship. Fi does not require sleep to function properly, so she is on watch duty the entire night. The only thing noteworthy is a ship that they passed around 2 in the morning. The ship had a cartoonish vibe to it. Link was the only one, besides Fi, up at that hour, so he got a glimpse at the mysterious ship as well. He couldn't help but feel as if he has seen that ship before. Other than that, the night was uneventful.

…

The following morning, almost everyone had a nice breakfast, which lowered the supplies level immensely.

"Princess Zelda, I highly recommend docking at a location in which we can restock on supplies. Currently, we have 70% less edible material on this ship than we had the previous day," Fi sophisticatedly reports.

Zelda only nods, agreeing with great concern.

Darunia claims that he is too tired to do anything on the ship, so he simply lies on the deck, motionless. Lana has to jump over him every time she wants to get past. Agitha has to entertain herself by birdwatching. She has found exactly 36 seagulls and 4 pelicans. These are exact numbers; Agitha is really bored.

Midna accompanies Zelda at the wheel. She says, "If we aren't 30 minutes or less from shore, I'm probably going to kill someone."

"We are at the mercy of the wind, Midna. We can't control the direction of the wind," Zelda responds. That's when Link suddenly gets the idea of a baton that can control the winds. What would such an awesome item be called?

"Pardon me for interrupting, but we are quickly approaching cannons which are afloat," Fi informs with an urgent tone in her voice.

Midna turns to Fi. "Can't you see that we're having a conversation?" she growls at the sword spirit.

Link starts to silently have a panic attack. Fi is right. Everyone else is alerted when cannon fire is heard.

Midna grabs Fi's collar. "Why didn't you tell us there were cannons?!" She jerkily releases Fi's clothing.

Ruto, Agitha, and Lana all start running and screaming. Lana trips over the limp body of Darunia. Agitha, not knowing where to go, just flees to below deck. Ruto runs right into Link's arms. Their eyes meet, and time seems to be nonexistent for them.

Impa, Fi, and Midna are attentive to Zelda. Impa is the first to speak; "What should we do?"

Zelda is speechless. She has never been in situation before, let alone even traveled on the ocean. She doesn't even know where to begin.

"Might I suggest evasive action, princess?" Fi suggests. Her words communicate confidence and collectedness.

Midna turns to Fi. "Evasive action? On a boat?!"

Zelda nods. "Yes. Evasive action. What do you suggest, Fi?" Zelda knows that the only hope of survival is to let someone else call the shots.

Fi looks at the crew, and then at Impa. "Impa, everyone needs to be under control and actively working. Please assign everyone a workstation." Impa hesitates, but then follows Fi's command.

"Midna, that means you as well."

Midna hesitates, but then goes to the deck to start working.

Fi notices that everyone starts working on the starboard side. None of the ropes are fastened on the left side of the ship. Heroically, she instructs Zelda to take the wheel. With grace, Fi flies over to the unfastened ropes on the port side and starts tying them with ease, despite not having opposable thumbs. Soon, the port side is ready for action. The starboard side, despite having an entire group working with it, is so unstable that it makes a house a cards look like a chair with sixteen legs holding it up.

Suddenly, Fi's foresight kicks in. She spins over a cannon, lighting the wick. The cannon floating on the water fires, and the cannonball is on a dead-on crash course with the ship. The cannon that Fi lit sends its projectile off right then. The two cannonballs collide, creating an explosion. The force blows the warriors that are still standing off their feet. The cannon Fi set off was unsupported, so the force pushes it back. Agitha was fortunate that Darunia's big muscles stopped the cannon before it plowed into her.

Swiftly, the ship is turned around, steering out of range of the floating cannon. Everyone looks at Fi. Fi heroically stands behind the wheel. She doesn't smile often, but when she does, it is sincere. Today, she smiles.

Midna glimpses at Fi out of the corner of her eye. "Ok, so maybe you aren't a useless as I thought you were. Good work," she admits, finishing it off with her signature smirk.

The crew cheers.

Then a gigantic octo swallows them whole. The End

Author's Notes- I know it has been a while since I last posted, and I apologize. Now that serious business has been completed, I should be posting a little more often. I also waited to post until I had two chapters ready to post. If you think I should post them as I complete them, please let me know. Also... abrupt ending! Yay! I wanted to try an abrupt ending, and I did. I thought it was funny.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19- Royalty Goes at its Own Pace

Almost eight years ago, a peculiar Kokiri boy set out on a quest to save Hyrule. More than half of the warriors don't understand this, but two do. They met this Kokiri boy.

Eight years in the past, Chieftain Darunia has himself locked in his room, protecting a very special artifact of his people. It is almost as if his own people have lost all common sense. They have been the protectors of this artifact since as far back as the ancient scrolls have recorded, and now, their stomachs are getting the best of them.

Meanwhile, a young Zora princess goes about her day-to-day business. She also possesses and artifact that her people have passed down for generations. She thinks it is precious, like a pearl to a clam. Today, an ominous vibe hints at bad things to come. The princess, nonetheless, fulfills her duties as usual. Her job is to feed the sacred being that protects her people. Though none of her people are trying to eat the artifact she possesses, she is swallowed whole by the great fish.

Like his people, Darunia too is tempted to indulge on something hard, and hopefully flavorful. The Fire Stone is his people's prized artifact, and right now, it looks like it tastes great. Darunia is the chief of the Gorons, the title passing onto him from his mother's side of the family. He was a cheerful child, bent on having adventure. In his teen years, his strength naturally came to him from his father's genes. As he matured, he mellowed, becoming serious and a dependable leader. However, he never lost his love of dancing. Neither of his parents knows where this trait came from. Back to the matter at hand, Darunia's resistance is being challenged. He hasn't eaten in days; oh what would he give for a decent-tasting bowl of pebbles right now. The reason he hasn't eaten is because his people's source of delicious edible material has been overthrown. Now all his people have to eat are ordinary, tasteless boulders, but they have grown too accustom to the gourmet food selection that they refuse to snack on the mediocre rocks. Darunia is no exception, and like all of his people, the Fire Stone looks good enough to eat.

The Zora princess, Ruto, doesn't quite face the same temptations as the much older leader of the Gorons, but she too faces a problem. Her artifact is the Water Stone, passed down to her by her mother. Her mother gave her instructions to gift this stone to the man she intends to betroth. During the process of getting swallowed, the string which held the stone like a necklace around her neck slid off, falling into the depths of the great fish. Ruto refuses to leave the beast until she finds that stone. At the same time, she does want someone to know where she it. She writes a letter to her father and tosses it out of the fish, hoping the river will carry it to her domain. This is exactly the kind of reaction all of her acquaintances would suspect she would do in this situation. Ruto is expressive, making sure everyone knows exactly what she feels at any given time. Her vanity is shown through her sassy attitude. Her pride makes her no pushover. Whatever she has to do, she is determined to do it herself, and right now, she is determined to find the Water Stone.

A hungry Goron chief. A swallowed Zora princess. Very different people; very similar problems.

All of the things above happened eight years ago. The same Kokiri boy mentioned earlier helped solve their problems. That Kokiri boy was Link. In a different time; a different era, Link lives another life, shared by the same two rulers as mentioned above.

Chieftain Darunia crashes onto the battlefield, loud and large. On the other hand, the now grown-up Princess Ruto gracefully emerges from the crystal waters of Lake Hylia. Both warriors strike fear into the hearts of the rebel army that stands before them.

Darunia looks back. "Zelda, Link, rescue Lana and Impa. We'll hold off these rascals for you."

Ruto looks back at Link with a smile and wink. She watches as Link and Zelda enter the water temple, disappearing behind the temple walls.

Darunia is the first to strike. One of the wisest, most experienced, and most colorful army generals under a villainous commander (Wizzro) once described Darunia's hammer as "three tons at the least of pure steel. Could snap a bone by simply falling on it from a thumb's length away. A wrecking ball if I ever saw one." Nobody really knows how heavy the hammer is, or what metal it is actually made of. The hammer possesses fire magic, and only the forgers of the hammer know exactly what gives the hammer magical properties. Needless to say, Darunia is called into battle when a very large and heavy enemy needs to be brought down to size, and Darunia is always happy to help.

The remainder of enemies that Darunia failed to smash with his hammer gets swept away by Ruto's waves. Zoras can't control water on their own, which is why Ruto possesses a magical pair of scale bracelets. These bracelets, like Darunia's hammer, are enchanted. Some say that it is the large bead that hangs from each bracelet that gives the bracelets their magical properties, but no one is certain.

One enemy slips away. As instructed, it destroys the gate levers of the temple. Ruto stops battling at the sound of the gates falling shut. On instinct, she runs for the temple door. She can see Link and the others running for the gate. Darunia notices.

"Ruto!"

Ruto looks back, and her running slows. The gate closes before she can get in. The water from the lake filters back in, hiding the door, the stairs, and Ruto under water. Darunia watches in suspense. He's not concerned about Ruto; why would he be concerned about her? What he's worried about is Link, Zelda, and the others who are now trapped in the water temple.

Ruto makes her grand splash, emerging from the water. She immediately starts scowling at Darunia. "If you hadn't screamed at me, I would have made it into the temple!"

"And what would that have accomplished?" Darunia calmly responds, turning to the princess.

Ruto can't make a rebuttal, so she stands there, full of attitude.

Darunia turns his attention to the temple. "Well, that didn't go as planned. Back to the drawing board," he says, trying to lighten the mood.

"Actually, the temple has a pretty high chance of filling with water while closed," Ruto explains. "That's why it is always so damp in there."

Reality dawns on both of them. Last they checked, all four trapped in the temple can't hold their breaths for more than 3 minutes. Link tried to break the record once, staying under for 6 minutes. After the 6 minute mark, everybody realized that Link wasn't moving. They had to rescue him. He obviously lived, but nobody has attempted to ask him to see how long he can hold his breath since.

"How long will it take before they are completely submerged?" Darunia asks, knowing nothing about the physics of water.

Ruto shrugs. "I'd say twenty or thirty minutes. It really depends on how many cracks in the walls and doors there are."

Darunia smiles. "Sweet. We've got loads of time. Let's go do something else."

The next 10 minutes are spent dancing to Ruto's rock music. Then Ruto gets tired, and she spends 3 minutes digging for buried treasure while Darunia continues to dance. Next, Ruto complains for a minute about not finding any treasure. Darunia danced during that minute to a tune in his head. Ruto spends the next minute complaining about a stinky odor in the air, and once she stops talking, Darunia admits that he caused the smell. After Ruto contemplates this for the remaining 40 seconds of that minute, she draws in the dirt while Darunia continues to dance. This lasts for two minutes. During the last two minutes, Ruto asks Darunia a series of questions, including the following: 'how are you still dancing', 'where are we going to go for lunch', and 'what were we doing before we started procrastinating'.

"Yeah, what were we doing before we started to procrastinate?" Darunia asks while scratching his head.

A lightbulb goes off in Ruto's head. "Oh! I know! Link, Zelda, Impa, and Lana are stuck in the water temple, and we need to rescue them before they drown."

"Oh yeah."

Seconds go by in complete silence. Then, the two start to panic.

"Darunia," Ruto yells. "how long have we been doing random nonsense?!"

Darunia yells back, "I don't know! Let's make a clock to find out!"

For the next ten minutes, the two collect materials for and build a sundial to answer their question.

They sit there with mouths agape, gaping at the sundial's readings.

Finally, Ruto speaks up. She says, "We've been doing completely worthless tasks for thirty minutes, and our friends could be drowning right now."

Darunia rubs the back of his head. "Gees. Way to make a Goron feel like he has betrayed his brother."

Ruto hops onto her feet. "We don't have time for this! We have to open the temple doors!" She rushes to the water, disappearing underneath the surface. Suddenly, Darunia remembers a lever in the nearby keep that opens the floodgates. He rushes to that. Sure enough, the lever has been broken. 'Broken' actually means a gear has simply come off. Darunia isn't a mechanic, so it takes him a minute to figure out where it goes. One he does, he uses his strength to lift the lever. The combination of using all his strength and the mental pressure almost makes him pee.

Ruto hears the temple doors open and swims for the entrance. The lake water starts to drain. Darunia rushes to the steps, slipping on the fourth step. He tumbles down the remaining stairs, taking Ruto with him. Link, Impa, Zelda, and Lana stand in the middle of the temple. They jog over to the entrance, where their fellow warriors lie.

Link waves and says, "Hey guys." Ruto looks up. The first thing she notices is that all four of them are dry. DRY. Darunia gets up, cracking his back in the process.

"You guys aren't even wet! We thought you were drowning!" Ruto exclaims. Then Darunia notices that his fellow warriors are dry.

Zelda shakes her head and says, "We're just fine."

"Where have you guys been for the last thirty minutes? Were you even trying to free us?" Lana asks, slightly concerned.

Darunia and Ruto shift their eyes, glancing at each other.

"Of course."

"We've been trying to free you guys for the past thirty minutes."

The four warriors accept Darunia and Ruto's fibs. To celebrate their victory, they dance.

After reading this story, remember that Darunia and Ruto are two of the seven stages. Yep. Hyrule is in goods hands.

Author's Notes- To be honest, I have only played Ocarina of Time up to when Link becomes old. The power of research did the rest! Now, it is time for chapter 20. Please, please vote if you haven't already. I hope to have a winning chapter. Perhaps the winning chapter will help inspire chapter 20. Tee hee! I'm excited.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Midna and Agitha sit at a small, round table.

Midna lets her head fall on the table with a bang. She mumbles, "Why does summer have to be over?"

Agitha puts her new pet caterpillar in its cage and gently sets the cage on the table. "Well Midna, the planet is tilted on an axis, and the planet rotates on that axis-,"

"I'm not an idiot, Agitha," Midna interrupts. Agitha just decides to shut up.

There is a third chair at the table for the third member of their respective game. Before he can sit down, though, Midna picks up his chair and throws it across the room. Zant chases after his chair.

Agitha says so innocently, "That was so mean."

"He deserves it," responds Midna. She is just in a really bad mood, and those that know Midna know not to get in her business when she's grumpy.

Zelda stands on the stage and clinks a glass, getting the attention of her fellow warriors. "Everyone, your attention up here, please."

Zant puts his chair back at the table. He sits down, and just as everyone quiets down, he sneakily uses his foot to flip Midna's chair. This makes a scene.

"Oh my goodness," Zant exclaims, faking surprise. "Midna, are you alright? It isn't safe to balance your chair on two legs."

Zelda gives the ugliest stare of annoyance the warriors have ever seen. Once the laughter of the villains dies down, she clears her throat and gets out her notecards. "Now I will do attendance."

"Ocarina of Time table."

Darunia and Ruto sit at the OoT table. Ruto sits up, prim and proper, as every princess should. Darunia, however, slouches. He is lost in his own thoughts, trying to figure out how his son won the last race they had.

"Twilight Princess table."

"I'm not here," says a disheveled Midna. She was already not happy, and then Zant had to show up. Agitha waves happily, and Zant just reclines in his chair haughtily.

"Skyward Sword table."

Ghirahim chuckles. "How could I miss an event such as this?" Fi hovers beside the table, not quite sure how the chair works.

"Hyrule Warriors table."

This is the most crowded table yet. Lana waves happily, sitting with Cia to her right and Volga to her left. Wizzro floats in between Volga and Cia. Volga accidentally incinerated his chair, but it didn't matter much anyway.

"And finally, the reoccurring table! Woohoo!" Zelda cheers.

Link and Impa silently support Zelda by lifting their hands. Ganondorf couldn't care less.

Zelda says, "Great. That's all fifteen of us. So, I hope you all had a nice summer vacation."

Darunia guffaws. "I'd say a nice summer is an exaggeration. In reality, my summer was just as messed up as the not-so-great moments we have as a group."

"Thank you Darunia," Zelda states boldly. "But nobody asked how your summer was." Amused by Zelda's snarky attitude, Ganondorf laughs.

"So, why are you wasting our valuable time?" Wizzro asks.

Midna asks, "Why are you blinding us with your ugliness?" Even Cia gets a laugh out of that one.

Volga shrugs and says, "She burned you there." Wizzro decides not to acknowledge it, swallowing his irritation. Also, he feels slightly ganged up on. Usually Volga doesn't judge him. If Volga does judge him, he doesn't verbally announce it.

Zelda yells, "Everyone! We've got business to discuss, so be quiet! Thanks a lot, Midna." Midna shrugs.

"Now that we are all focused, we can announce and discuss the poll results."

"The what?" Agitha asks.

"The poll results," Zelda explains. "We asked the viewers what chapters they liked best, and they gave us their opinions."

Agitha is still very confused.

Zelda turns to Link. She says, "Link, if you would please announce the poll results." Link stands up and gets on the stage. He shuffles through some note cards of his own. Proxi helped him write his notes, because she likes to be involved in everything.

Link clears his throat. He is shocked when his voice is projected by the microphone. He turns to Zelda and explains that the room isn't that big. He thinks he can project his voice loud enough for the whole room to hear without the mike. Zelda moves the mike for him.

"There we go. That's better," Link says to himself as a way of getting back on track. "It was a close race for first, and the winner took the gold by off-poll vote. The favorite chapter was Chapter 8, the one where Zant couldn't stop spinning."

Zant nods, not surprised. "You see everyone? Only I could receive so many likes."

"What is this? Social media?" Midna asks.

Link reminds, "Don't forget that Chapter 8 only beat Chapter 7 by one vote, and that vote wasn't even placed in the poll."

"But that vote was seen and counted," Zelda adds.

Wizzro asks Volga if he remembers Chapter 7. Volga only remembers it vaguely, because it was a traumatic experience for him.

"There was a three-way tie for third place. It was between chapters 6, 9, and 10," continues Link.

Lana remembers Chapter 6; it isn't a happy memory.

Impa asks, "After seeing those results, what is it that we need to do?"

"That depends on your desired goal," Fi explains.

"We do another poll!" Zelda interrupts.

Several groans are heard from the attending warriors. Ganondorf stands and asks, "Zelda, what makes you think we _want _the peoples' opinions?"

Zelda points at Ganondorf like a school teacher kindly correcting a 1st grader. "We can't become better entertainers if we don't know what the crowd wants."

Impa shrugs. "She has a point."

"Does that conclude the meeting?" Fi asks.

Zelda shakes her head and motions for Ganondorf and Link to sit down. She says, "There was one more thing I wanted to ask you all about."

Ruto says impatiently, "Some of us have places to be, Zelda."

Zelda nods, getting the quiet attention of everyone once more. The suspense in the room builds as Zelda prepares to ask her question. "Would you all like to do a Q &amp; A session?"

"I don't understand," Agitha utters, saying what everyone is thinking.

"Q &amp; A means Questions and Answers, Agitha. It means the readers ask us questions, and we answer them."

Ganondorf is quick to say, "No." He is followed up by the majority of the warriors.

"Oh, come on guys. I think it would be fun. I didn't see you utterly reject the idea, Wizzro. Would you answer the readers' questions truthfully?"

"What do you think?" He gives an ugly, devious smirk.

Zelda's annoyed expression comes back. "That was a stupid question. Ok, Link, back me up here."

"You heard the woman, Link. Run her over!" Midna demands, being a smart-aleck.

"Not back up over me!" Zelda screams, officially irritated with this entire group she stands before.

Finally, in a fit of rage, Zelda stomps off the stage. "That's it! I give up! This meeting is over!"

Author's Notes- I have returned! I had a hectic summer, and now I am finally back in the swing of writing. I had no inspiration until now. This chapter already explained what I was thinking. Would you all like to do a Q&amp;A session with the warriors? If so, then leave any questions you have for the warriors in the reviews. Also, I have another poll up for chapters 11-19. Pick your favorite(s) so the warriors have something to talk about next meeting. Anyways, it feels good to be back.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21- The Book

Normally, she would be out in the fields looking for ladybugs on days like these, but today, Agitha stays inside and reads a book. It was recommended to her by some random pedestrian, and she hasn't been able to put it down since she picked it up.

Meanwhile, Zelda and Lana have a tea party in Skyloft. The weather is perfect; sunny with just a small breezy to keep them cool. Lana brought some scones, and Zelda brought some refreshing chamomile tea.

While pouring Lana some tea, Zelda asks, "Did you invite some of the others to come?"

"Not that I can recall," Lana humbly replies. Then she becomes tense. "Why? You didn't invite Midna, did you?"

Zelda guffaws. "Great Hylia, no! Midna and tea parties don't mix."

Lana nods, exhaling in relief. "Actually, I vaguely remember asking Agitha if she would like to come," she states.

"Huh. Agitha loves tea parties," Zelda ponders aloud.

Lana shrugs and says, "Maybe she didn't hear me or forgot." The two have a merry afternoon tea party, and even Ghirahim stops his own pursuits for a cup of tea.

…

"Midna, please be quieter. This is the good part."

Midna has been trying to get Agitha's attention for twenty minutes. She brought Agitha to the palace to discuss her strategy for defense against Zant's miniscule army of ninjas. He trained them himself.

Midna yells in an exasperated tone, "Finally you recognize that I am actually here!"

"You should really read this book. I haven't been able to put down since I picked it up!" Agitha exclaims joyfully. Midna nods, concurring with Agitha's statement about her not being able to put it down.

Midna floats over to Agitha's shoulder to look at the book. She asks, "How could a book be so good?" Her eyes skim the page. By the third line, her eyes are glued to the page.

Clumsy ninja Bokoblins invade the castle. There is a total of five of them, and they are undeniably clumsy. They are practically tripping over each other. As Zant storms in after them, he gets hit in the shin by a ninja star. Eventually he makes it past his own ninjas to the throne room. Why is it that everything he does is pathetic unless Ganondorf is pulling the strings behind the scenes?

"You might as well surrender now, Midna," Zant announces, trying to sound intimidating.

Zant's words go in one ear and out the other. So does his entire monolog that follows.

Zant waits a minute for Midna to retaliate. She never does, and that is when he starts to worry. "UH, Midna?"

Agitha turns the page.

"No! I wasn't done with that last page. I have, like, a paragraph left."

Agitha turns the page back.

"Wait, so you mean to tell me that everything I said just flew over your heads… because you were reading?!" Zant exclaims, and once this fact sinks in, the rage starts to simmer like a pot of water on the stove. "Don't you know that it is rude to read during a speech!?"

Midna puts her finger up to her lips and looks up at Zant. "Shh. Quiet please."

What?! How dare she shush the great Twilight King! Zant is not about to walk away from a battle that he so clearly instigated mere moments ago. With a swift swing of the arm, he flings Agitha's book into the sky. Or at least, it would have gone into the sky if it wasn't for the roof.

Agitha stares aghast at her book, and then turns her attention to Zant. She flares her nostrils and hits Zant in the stomach with her basket. "That was extremely rude!" she bellows. Zant laughs until it is Midna's turn to retaliate. Zant has to trek a little ways to get back to the throne room.

Midna threatens to use her hair again.

"No! No, it's ok. Your book is safe," Zant fearfully mumbles. Speaking of the book, Agitha found her page.

After wallowing in self-pity for a minute or so, an interesting question invades Zant's mind; what could they be reading that could possibly be more important than him?

…

Zelda blissfully lies on her bed, reading. Impa walks in. "Zelda, Cia is planning an attack. We should start planning our defenses immediately!"

Then Zelda precedes to excitedly explain to Impa what her book is about. Agitha suggested it to her.

Impa is uninterested; she is too busy thinking about Cia's upcoming attack on the palace. However, since Zelda seems completely infatuated with her book, Impa decides to lead the Hyrulean army herself.

Gathering an army is more of a challenge than Impa originally anticipated, since Zelda also suggested her book to the entire army.

…

The day finally comes, and Cia's army is rested and ready for action. This may be the largest army Cia has ever conjured up. She knows that two of the three Triforce pieces reside at the castle, so why not kill two birds with one stone and just take the castle? She will have to get the Triforce of Power through other means.

She locates her two generals in the Valley of Seers. Volga swiftly and cleanly executes his attacks, practicing for the siege against Hyrule Castle. On the other hand, Wizzro does… who knows what. He has his back turned and seems to be struggling. Chinese finger trap, maybe? Anyways-

"Alright men and ghastly figures in robes, I believe we are ready to lay waste to the army Zelda has prepared to try and defend her lands. Are you ready, Volga?"

Volga's attention was sharply focused on Cia since she started talking; in fact, he was so sharply focused on Cia that one would think he was a professional for the Olympic staring contest. He simply nods once at Cia, silently communicating that he is ready when she is.

Cia can always count of Volga to be ready for action whenever she calls. She turns to her wizard and asks, "Are you ready, Wizzro?"

"Cia, I sense dark magic nearby, and it isn't you," Wizzro cautiously informs. As whatever is causing Wizzro's sixth sense to act up gets closer, so does the intensity of the tingle it causes Wizzro. When it is close enough, Wizzro starts to get that feeling everyone gets when Majora's Mask is approaching. To describe the feeling, the aura Majora's Mask gives off dulls your sense of smell and makes you feel like all of the water in your cells is being relocated to your bladder.

It is not Majora's Mask.

In a whimsical display of paper-thin rhombuses, Ghirahim appears. That strange feeling Wizzro was having suddenly drains like water in a sink; the sound and everything. He is actually disappointed the threat wasn't bigger. Why Ghirahim was giving off an aura similar to Majora's Mask, we will never know.

Cia stands her ground, putting on a serious face. "What do you want?" she interrogates.

Ghirahim slowly puts one foot in front of the other, crossing his legs with each step, as if trying to keep his balance.

"Pay attention to where you are walking!" Volga demands. He has no patience for those who have no common sense. Ghirahim has is nose in a book while walking. The same behavior led to a few collisions with Zant back at base, yet, neither of them has learned anything from it.

At about meter or so away from Cia, Ghirahim is stopped when Volga holds out his spear, just gently touching Ghirahim's stomach. Ghirahim lifts his head to meet eye-to-eye with Cia.

"Ah, Cia, just the sorceress I was looking for," Ghirahim says. His words are just as smooth as his hair.

It is Volga's turn to interrogate somebody. "What is your purpose here?" Cia is just naturally more hateful with her tone and word choice than him.

Ghirahim puts his hand on his chin in thought. He explains, "I was given instructions by Lord Ganondorf… but I can't quite remember what they were…"

"You can't remember because you never heard the instructions in the first place; you were in la-la land," Wizzro states.

Ghirahim holds up a finger and tells Cia and co. to give him a minute. He swears that he will remember. However, every time he retraces his steps up to Ganondorf, he starts thinking about what is going to happen next in his book.

Randomly, Cia conks Ghirahim on the head with her scepter. This gets Ghirahim's head out of the clouds. "There. That should fix you. Now spit it out. And if you still can't get the words off your tongue, I'll have Wizzro pull them off your tongue for you."

"I get to pull of someone's tongue! Yes!"

Ghirahim doesn't consider himself a germophobe, but having Wizzro touch his tongue is just asking for some deadly disease. He decides to avoid that scenario at all costs.

Then, Ghirahim suddenly remembers what it was Ganondorf wanted him to do. But first- "Yes, Ganondorf's plea is important-,"

"Plea?" Volga asks.

"But I would much rather share my book with you."

Wizzro shakes his head. "No, no, no, go back to the part where Ganondorf is pleading." Volga isn't the only one that caught Ghirahim's word choice.

Ghirahim effortlessly slides to Cia's side and simply puts his book in front of her face. Cia is forced to stare at the words on the pages, and it isn't long before her eyes start skimming the page willingly. Gently, she takes the book from Ghirahim, walking away with it, her eyes fixed.

"It would be a crime to not share what adventures lie on those pages, so I thought 'why not share it with another profound soul like myself?' You were the first to appear when I associated people I knew with the word 'profound'."

"Oh brother," Wizzro utters in disgust. But upon further examination, perhaps his tone was more towards envy than disgust.

Ghirahim lowers his head in a defeated manner. But this gesture was just an act. He says, "But, I could have been mistaken. I have not been a waste of your time, have I?" He smirks, already knowing the answer to his own question.

Cia slowly shakes her head. Ghirahim has definitely not wasted her time. On the contrary, he has enlightened her using nothing but fine print in a leather cover.

Volga has never seen Cia's interest so easily ensnared, especially right before she instigates a battle. This concerns him. "Cia, perhaps now we should lead our army to Hyrule Castle."

Cia waves him off. "After I read this chapter."

Volga and Wizzro gasp in utter disbelief.

Ghirahim is suddenly met face-to-face with an angry wizard. "What kind of toxic spell did you just infect Cia with?"

Ghirahim uses his index finger on his non-dominant hand to push Wizzro to a comfortable distance away. He precedes to say, "The only spell I just enchanted her with is the spell of great literature." Then he decides to make his leave, so he asks for his book back.

"No."

There really isn't much Ghirahim can do about Cia just simply refusing to give him his book back. His next destination is the book store.

"Hey guys," Cia says. "You have to read this book."

…

Impa has prepared her mind for probably the most exhausting battle of her life. She will be defending Hyrule Castle alone. She stands in front of the castle, ready and waiting for Cia's army.

Cia's army never shows up.

Though she is a little confused, Impa decides to go back into the castle and inform Zelda of the absence of Cia's army. Going inside, however, only heightens Impa's confusion. Zelda is having book club with all of the warriors, including Cia!

"What in Hylia's name is going on?!"

Zelda looks at Impa. "Impa! You are just in time for book club."

Impa flees.

…

Fi stands watch over Skyloft. She notices Impa wandering the land looking concerned to the core. Fi confronts Impa and says, "From your facial expression, I can infer that something is causing you concern."

"Yes," Impa says with relief. "Someone who isn't reading."

Fi asks, "Are you referring to that book that our fellow warriors are intrigued by?"

Impa nods. She then explains to Fi about Cia's army and Zelda's book club.

"I have read three paragraphs of the book," Fi explains. "However, I am unable to process the same emotions that Zelda and the others can."

Impa smiles. "You're… immune to it," she concludes with a wave of hope seeping into her heart.

For the next ten minutes, Impa devises a new plan of attack against Cia's army. The plan is the two of them charge into the Valley of Seers and defeat Cia's army before she finishes the book.

…

"WHAT?! What do you mean you're on coffee break?!"

Since Cia went off to book club, Wizzro has been trying to lead her army against Hyrule Castle. However, he has been unsuccessful.

Cia's entire army decides to go on coffee break. There is no hope of Wizzro getting the army to his bidding. "Ugh, I give up. Hyrule Castle is safe as long as Cia has her nose in that stupid book."

Impa and Fi come in from behind. Impa is surprised to find Wizzro there. She asks, "You're… not at book club?"

Wizzro turns around. "Wait, _you're _not at book club?"

Impa, Fi, and Wizzro engage in conversation. Wizzro explains how Ghirahim came, showed Cia the book, and took control of her mind. He learned that it really was the book and not Ghirahim when Volga read two paragraphs and was hooked, too. "And then you two showed up."

Fi asks, "How is it that you are not in the book's snare as well?"

Wizzro doesn't really know. He has an idea as to why, but he won't tell Impa and Fi.

"Whatever," Impa interrupts. "What matters now is saving our fellow warriors. If we defeat the book, everything will return to the way it was."

"How do you defeat a book? Burn it?" Wizzro asks.

Impa smirks, conjuring a plan.

…

"That part was amazing!" Midna shares with the club, adding to Ganondorf's previous statement.

Zelda stands up, puts her bookmark in the book, and says, "Good discussion. Tomorrow we will meet here again for meeting two."

Agitha says in a disappointed tone, "Aw, is book club over?"

"Just for today," Zelda explains.

Zant lies on the floor, holding the book open over his head. "I'm starving, but I don't think I'll be able to put this book down long enough to make anything to eat."

"Ok everyone, let's get up and stretch. We have to keep our eyes healthy," Zelda instructs. Everyone does so, setting their books at their feet.

Just then, Wizzro comes out of the ground in the middle of the circle. He says, "Finally! I thought you guys would never put those books down."

"Wizzro!" Volga gleefully cries. "Have you come to join us?"

Wizzro takes a deep breath, points a Volga, and exclaims with a smile, "No!"

Ganondorf is confused. "Then… what did you come here for?"

Wizzro turns towards Ganondorf. "Hey, is this your book?" He picks up Ganondorf's book. Ganondorf nods.

"You don't mind if I take it, do you?" Wizzro asks. Ganondorf is left speechless.

Wizzro makes his cyclops piranhas pick up the rest of the books. He says, "And I'll be taking these, too. You're welcome." With that, he disappears into the ground.

Agitha cries out in utter horror, "He took our books!"

"Get him!" Zelda screams.

In Gerudo desert, Impa and Fi are preparing a large bonfire. They have the firewood ready to burn, if they could just get a fire started.

Wizzro comes up through the ground, carrying a large stack of books. "I've got 'em! Hiya ha ha!"

"We will have a fire prepared in approximately thirty minutes."

"What?! But we need the fire now!"

Impa asks, "Why?"

Fi says, "Ganondorf is approaching." That answers Impa's question. She grabs two sticks and starts wildly rubbing them together.

"I shall correct myself; we will have a fire in approximately two minutes if Impa keeps her pace," Fi explains.

Wizzro nods. "I can hold them off for two minutes." He sets the books on the firewood and heads off to be a distraction. Fi grabs one book and goes after Wizzro.

Ghirahim and Zant follow Ganondorf through the desert. Wizzro enters their line of sight. Just as he yells to get their attention, Fi tosses the book into his hands. Wizzro stares at the book in his hands, dazed.

"There!" Zant spots the book in Wizzro's hands.

Fi believes she is experiencing amusement as she watches Wizzro flee for his life.

The sticks start to get warm. Impa is making progress. Zelda spots her from afar.

"Everyone! Impa is going to burn our books!" she alerts the warriors.

And the mad dash begins. Fi and Wizzro prevent those that can teleport from teleporting to Impa. In the heat of the moment, Impa makes a spark with her sticks, setting them ablaze. "I'm sorry, but this is for your own good!" And with that, she quickly gets on her feet and throws the sticks on the firewood. The bonfire burns the books, erasing them from existence.

The warriors gather around the bonfire, mourning the loss of their literature. Instead of retaliating with hatred, which is what those like Cia and Midna would have done, everyone is silent. Agitha thinks to herself that at least she got to read through it once.

Zelda starts to walk back to the castle. She is followed by everyone who was in book club.

Impa, Fi, and Wizzro stay to watch the bonfire. They may have very well just saved the world. Impa is not happy, though. She hates to see a good book lost forever. "I know those books took control of our fellow warriors, but I can't help but wonder if it was just… good literature. I'll never know because… it's gone."

Wizzro proves Impa wrong by pulling out a copy of the book from under his robes. It is the book that Fi took to him as a way to keep Ganondorf from finding the bonfire. Impa takes the book. "Huh… maybe this book has a mind of its own after all," she ponders aloud.

"I was wondering…" Wizzro starts.

Impa and Fi look at Wizzro.

"Could you read it to me?"

Author's Notes- Based on feedback from the last chapter, it seems that no one is opposed to a Q &amp; A session. That's awesome! If there is any questions you have for the warriors, submit them via reviews. And if you have read all the chapters thus far, vote for your favorite chapter from 11 to 19. That poll is up and active. I'm excited for Q &amp; A. Yay!


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22- Thinking About Her

Ganondorf's forces and Zelda's forces are in the midst of a heated battle, and it's not just heated because they are in Gerudo Desert at one in the afternoon during the hottest time of the year. Zelda recruited Midna and Fi for this battle, which is convenient considering that Ganondorf brought Zant and Ghirahim to this quarrel.

Zant takes the Oasis keep, mostly because he thought he saw a tub of ice water waiting for him there. Ganondorf asked him if he really wanted to wear heavy, dark robes to the desert. Though the answer at the time was "yes", he now wishes he had said "no". He is pretty sure the entire water content of his cup of grape juice this morning is now perspiration, either in his armpits or on his forehead. For that matter, even his butt is sweating.

There is a moment of peace, and Zant seizes it. He retracts his helmet and breathes the dry, dusty, desert air. He proceeds to cough out his parched lungs.

Once Zant's coughing fit is over, he takes a glimpse at the competition. To his left, Midna is battling Lord Ganondorf's forces for control of a keep; not strikingly entertaining or important. So, moving on, on Zant's right, two flying swords duel it out. _Wait, two flying swords?_

Fi and Ghirahim are in their true forms, dueling it out like civilized people… or, spirits and demons. They clash and stagger back after a few good swings. As if they were having the same thought, Ghirahim assumes his more humanoid form, clashing his sword with Fi's leg, as she too undertook her humanoid form. Her leg doesn't appear to be severed in any way, despite colliding with Ghirahim's sword, as most would expect.

Zant witnesses as Ghirahim's patience is evaporated by the heat of the sun and the battle. He focuses his spirit, taking his final form; a stronger, darker-skinned version of himself. Zant has never actually had a chance to simply examine Ghirahim in this form. Besides the fact that Ghirahim now looks like Ganondorf in Volga's body (without any armor on), Zant makes a completely different observation; the crisscross line pattern on Ghirahim's skin is identical to the pattern on Fi's tights. Or, are they her legs? Huh… that's two similarities between Ghirahim and Fi that Zant has chalked up, the first being that they are both shape-shifting, living swords.

When it comes to ruining the moment, Midna comes out on top. Her hair fist collides with Zant's left side, and he is launched a few meters in that general direction. Midna enters the Oasis. "Yeah! Feel the burn!" She flexes her arms as if she was a body-builder. Oh gosh…

…

So, Zelda led her forces successfully against Ganondorf and his forces. After the battle, Zant assumed the persona of a 5-year-old and asked Ganondorf if they could go get ice cream. Ganondorf responded, "Ice cream is for winners." Zant remained warm and ice cream-less.

Back at Ganondorf's headquarters, or in other words, his living residences, he and his minions cool off. Ganondorf wasn't hot in the desert sun, but his temper is boiling.

Ghirahim sits on a wooden box, leaning up against the wall. He studies the bags under his eyes with a small, circular, closable mirror. Zant left to change into some pants that were not soaked with sweat.

Zant returns with dry clothes. He stops to study Ghirahim. How is it that Ghirahim isn't sweaty? That dark red cape had to be warm in the desert sun.

The rest of Ghirahim's attire is examined by Zant. Ghirahim wears a white leotard that acts like a skin-tight onesie from the waist down. Zant isn't sure if Ghirahim is wearing shoes or not, but if he isn't, then his leotard is feet-in. Ghirahim also sports an orange sash with a red diamond positioned on his right hip. Sashes were so ten thousand years ago.

Suddenly, a light bulb lights up somewhere in the depths of Zant's brain. His brain connected the diamond on Ghirahim's sash to the blue gem on Fi's chest. Though the color is different, the shape is identical!

Zant says the first thing that pops into his brain- "You are just like Fi." Perhaps it would have been better if Zant had not said the first thing that came to mind. Slowly, Ghirahim turns his head towards Zant, processing a response.

"Is that how you compliment your love interests? I cannot begin to fathom why you are still single," Ghirahim responds caustically. He can only smile uncomfortably in the awkwardness of the situation.

"What? No. Girls are for losers. I would never compliment a girl," replies Zant defensively.

Ghirahim stands up, leaning forward into Zant's personal space. "Your claims do not match up to your actions, my hideous acquaintance. I seem to remember you insisting on dueling with Lana when you clearly could have faced against Link if you so desired. That is a preference to women, no?"

"Hey, Lana is a force to be reckoned with. I would have let you handle her if I was certain you could best her. I simply didn't want to risk it."

Ghirahim nods, knowing differently. "Sure." He puts away his mirror.

Ganondorf storms by looking as raged as he did when Midna's wolf bit his backside in the midst of an important battle.

Ghirahim follows behind and calls out to him, attempting to get his attention. "Lord Ganondorf. I have an important matter to discuss with you."

Ganondorf stops. He grumbles, "Make it quick, clown."

"I fear Zant is coming down with a terrible brain illness."

"I am?" Zant asks, checking the temperature of his forehead.

"Indeed you are," Ghirahim confirms. "And I have the evidence to prove it. Mere moments ago, he mistook me for Fi."

"What?!" Zant wails. "I did not! I just said you looked like her."

Ghirahim shakes his head and says, "That is not what you said." The two start to talk over each other, resulting in a hodgepodge of sound that gradually gets louder.

"WILL YOU SHUT UP!" bellows the mighty Ganondorf.

The surrounding area is so quiet that you could hear a cockroach's heart break.

Ganondorf rubs his temples. He asks, "Ghirahim, why is it so important that Zant called you Fi? You know Zant has issues, and nothing he says means anything anyways. Just ignore him, and you won't have your feelings hurt."

Ghirahim is utterly speechless. Zant wants to run away. Maybe Zelda would have compassion on him.

Ganondorf leaves the company of his minions.

Ghirahim turns to Zant. "Zant, it has just dawned on me how pathetic we are. I feel… like an idiot."

"Welcome to my world."

…

_Curse you, Zant!_

Ghirahim tried to sleep, but thanks to Zant, Fi has been on his mind, haunting his thoughts. To clear his mind, Ghirahim decides to take a midnight stroll to wherever, he doesn't care.

During his stroll, he tries to understand Zant's thought process when he said that he and Fi looked alike. After some thought, Ghirahim _does_ notice some similarities between him and Fi. They are both swords, have spirit-esque forms, and they both sport a diamond of the same shape, but different colors. Ghirahim figures that the diamonds were intention by their masters. Fi's mistress…

Ghirahim bumps into a wall, staggering back, (which is why you should never walk and think at the same time). It takes him a moment, but he eventually realizes that he has wandered into the Goddess Statue. _Great Hylia, I might need some help._

…

Ganondorf got no sleep what-so-ever, which is probably why his coffee made its way into the floor instead of his mouth. Zant does a handstand on the other side of the room.

Ghirahim runs in frantically. "Quick! Someone knock some sense into me!"

Zant gets on his feet. Ganondorf's face falls onto the table. It's too early for nonsense. Zant walks over to Ghirahim. "Do you sense from the bottom or the top?"

"I just want someone to hit me. Not my face, though. I'm too pretty," Ghirahim explains. He is not as frantic as he was when he ran in. He turns his lesser cheek to Zant, tightening his abs (just in case Zant decides to punch his gut).

Zant is much obliged. He decides to do his worst; something he has always wanted to do to Ghirahim. With as much force as he can muster, he winds up his dominant foot and swings in forward. He drastically misses his target, hitting Ghirahim's shin instead. Ghirahim staggers back in utter pain, falling on his back. The dirt around Ghirahim is agitated, creating a puff around him.

Zant flinches and says, "OH. I didn't mean to do that. It hurt though, right?"

Ghirahim grumbles, "Does the Great Fairy have pink hair?"

Zant about answers the question, but then realizes that the question was rhetorical meant to be compared to his question. His question is answered in the process. He proceeds to inquire, "So, why did you want someone to knock some sense into you?"

Ghirahim stands up, limps towards Zant, and utters furiously, "Because a certain someone got another certain someone stuck in my head."

Zant smirks under his helmet. He points at Ghirahim. "I knew something was happening there."

Ghirahim's knee meets Zant's gut in a gory display.

…

Later on that day, Ghirahim decides to lead an army into Skyloft in order to tear it to the ground. Ganondorf, in support of Ghirahim's uncontrollable rage, lends a faction of his army to the demon lord. After lunch and tea, Ghirahim sets out to wreak havoc on the peaceful land of Skyloft.

A Skyloft Captain is the first to hear word of Ghirahim's assault. He rushes to inform Skyloft's protector immediately. Skyloft's protector, Fi, prepares to defend Skyloft.

It doesn't take long for the residents of Skyloft to start fleeing for their lives. Seeing the carnage unfold eases Ghirahim's restless mind. Everything is back to the way it should be.

Then Fi crosses paths with him.

"You have got to be kidding me," is all Ghirahim can say.

"I am incapable of jesting," is Fi's simple response.

Fi is suddenly incapable of decision. She witnesses Ghirahim turn around and pull out a small blade. He told himself before the battle that he wouldn't think about Fi, or else he would lose what's most important to him. Even Fi gasps as Ghirahim grabs his hair, bringing the knife to it. He hesitates.

"What is wrong with you?!" Fi blurts out. This is perhaps the first and the last time Fi will ever use those words in any context. She says it was such emotion; emotion that she should not be able to generate.

Nostalgia courses through Ghirahim's bones. Fi was not Fi, but rather, she was someone much bigger than both of them. For a moment, it seemed as if all was as it once was, back before-

_No! _Ghirahim refuses to play this game any longer. He is not self-disciplined enough to chop off his hair, but he is experienced in the art of collapsing on the ground. He goes limp and collapses, falling backwards. He was a thumb's width away from his backside landing on his knife, but he doesn't care.

Fi assumes Ghirahim has surrendered. It dawns on her that neither of them are swallow, but deep with backstory that has made them who they are. It appears that maybe, she isn't the only one affected by the past.

Ganondorf and Zant watched the whole thing from afar.

"UM… my lord, what just happened?"

Ganondorf shrugs. He says, "I wouldn't be surprised if Ghirahim's hormones were acting up. After we gather up my army, do you want to go get some ice cream?"

Zant gasps in utter delight.

Author's Notes- This one took a strange turn. I just rolled with it, writing whatever came to mind, and I think this one was more drama than humor. I'm not sure what happened; it was all fun and games when I started. Anyways, I'm still taking question for the Q &amp; A coming up. Ask the warriors anything. Also, vote for your favorite chapter (11-19) on the poll or in the reviews. I will tally up the results at the end.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23- Strictly Business

Dear Darunia:

This letter is strictly business, and therefore, I used a colon instead of a coma for the greeting. I am writing to inform you of a serious issue. My people have recently suffered some near-death accidents, which I believe are being caused by your people. Just last week, a young Zora boy no older than 12 was struck by a small boulder while swimming for exercise. How was the rock pushed you ask? My theory is that it was never sitting still to begin with. I theorize that the boulder was released from the top of _your_ mountain and rolled to Lake Hylia. I humbly request that measures are taken to prevent this sort of thing from happening again. Thank you- Princess Ruto

_Two days later_

Dear Princess Ruto,

This letter is my humble response to your request, so notice how I used a coma instead of a colon. There are a few notes I would like to point out on the matter. I cannot help but wonder why you automatically assume that _my _people are the cause of falling boulders. Nature will decide when rocks erode and break. In addition, I noticed how you claimed that your people (meaning more than one Zora) have recently suffered some accidents. I can't help but wonder if you were exaggerating. Furthermore, the chances of more than one Zora being crushed by boulders _while _swimming is pretty slim. I'm afraid that there is nothing we can do besides suggest that you advise your people to wear hardhats. I hope you have a wonderful day- Chieftain Darunia

_Three days later_

Dear Darunia:

I couldn't help but feel as if you were mocking me in your response. I didn't appreciate it. I am utterly serious about this situation, and I honestly believe that your people have something to do with the cascading stones. My officials have reported seeing Gorons bashing into the sides of the mountain during what appeared to them to be races. And you are completely right; the erosion makes matters worse. What I'm saying is stop bashing into the mountain, and maybe it won't fall apart. Just saying. And _no_, I wasn't _exaggerating_. An elderly woman was pinned to the lake bottom by one the boulders that came speeding into the lake like a bowling ball. You can't tell me that isn't a hazard. Maybe now I've struck you with the importance of the situation- Princess Ruto

_Four days later_

Dear Ruto,

The only part of my previous response that I was mocking you was at the very beginning, and I just simply said the opposite of what you said your first letter. The rest was just me responding to you as if I was talking to your face and letting someone else transcribe it. This is not my handwriting, by the way. Back to the matter at hand, I am taking the matter just as seriously as you are. Yes, Gorons like to race. So what? It's all just for fun and completely safe. And… now that I think about it, I don't appreciate you Zoras spying on us. Our business is our business alone. We don't watch you guys do synchronized swimming. About the woman stuck at bottom of the lake, I'm pretty sure you guys have gills. She wasn't in danger of suffocating. I'm not a rocket scientist, but I'm pretty sure rocks are slowed in water. The boulder couldn't have hit her that hard. My point is, you are definitely exaggerating. I regret to say that the only thing you've struck is my disinterest. Now, if I may return to my meal- Chieftain Darunia

_Five days later_

Darunia!

Why I outta-! I don't even have words for this. This is absurd! Your apathy is absurd! And you say that we spy on you!? That's such a hypocrite thing to say considering that you're spying on our synchronized swimming. I'll have you know that I take the well-being of my people so deadly serious that I am writing these letters myself. Ugh! I'm so angry that my handwriting is a mess! I suggest that you get off that stony chair of yours, swallow that rock in your mouth, and start giving a care about my people. I tried to be civilized, really, I did. But, you've left me no choice but to talk to you like your mother. Now see if you can do anything about your crumbling mountain- Princess Ruto

_Darunia's mouth dropped to the floor. Six days later_

Ahem, Ruto,

I'm not saying this to be rude, but I think your furiously sloppy handwriting is the least of your concerns. Wait- you guys actually do synchronized swimming? I swear, I did not know that until I read your angry letter. On another note, I think I will stay in my comfortable _upholstery _(not stone) chair and chew my gourmet rocks as long as I please. I have kept my cool, unlike you, which is ironic considering that you live in a lake and I in a mountain. …You don't know how my mother talks to me! Point is, I'm not going to do anything about your little dilemma. And yes, now I'm mocking you- the proud Chieftain Darunia

_The messenger, Tingle, has just about had enough of this running back and forth with letters that are only making matters worse. He decides to compose a couple letters of his own._

_The next day_

Dear Darunia,

I took your suggestion and cooled down a little bit. I have also come to a rational decision, which is to declare war on you. I am sick and tired of you and your rocks. There, I said it. I finally said what I actually feel about you. It feels so good. I feel like a bold, new woman. Now, ready your people for war, that is, if you're not scared of us gilled Zoras- Oh you know who it is

_On the same day_

Dear Ruto,

Fine. You know what? New plan. I've conversed with my people, and they say war. Who am I to disappoint the people? War sounds like a rational way to solve our differences, so let's do that. You seem mad enough to put on a pretty good fight. But, you can't expect a Zora to opt for the road of action. If you are _really _serious, however, you'll declare war back- your great and powerful king of the mountain.

_And you'll never guess what happened next._

Author's Notes- It is amazing what you can learn about a character just by their dialogue (or letters in this case). The poll for the favorite chapter from 11 to 19 is still open, if you have yet to vote. I'm also still taking questions. The more questions I get, the longer chapter 30 is going to be.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24- Road Trip!

Finally, the time has come again. Since the original Super Smash Bros., it has been a tradition of Nintendo characters to join together in the great realm of Smash Bros. to discuss how they will prepare for future successes. This year, Link went the extra mile.

By bus, the trip from Hyrule to the realm of Smash Bros. is about three days total, including stopping overnight. By foot, the journey is twice as long, so Link is thankful for vehicle transportation. In the past, he, Zelda, and Ganondorf have been the only representatives for their respective series to ever attend this annual event. But Link refuses to be bested by Mario, who stated the previous year that he would bring everyone from Prince Dreambert to Count Bleck to this great event. This year, Link rented a bus.

It is a small bus, with maximum capacity of about 17 persons, including the driver. It is a white activity bus, with singular seats. Link took into consideration luggage; there shouldn't be a bunch of luggage. Zelda owns a castle, but Wizzro owns only the robes on his back. Fi literally has no belongings, and with that said, one seat should be enough space to hold everyone's luggage. One driver, 14 passengers (and a half if you count Proxi), and one spot for luggage- just enough room for everyone.

Ganondorf and Zelda are the first two ready to go, besides Link. They are followed by Fi, Volga, Agitha, Impa, Lana, Ruto, Zant, Darunia, Ghirahim, Cia, Wizzro, and Midna in that order. For a while, the crew argues over who will drive, but eventually, they all agree to let Impa drive. Ruto screamed for a minute in fury that she wasn't picked to drive, but her anger subsided. A last minute restroom break is called, and the crew is ready to take off.

_Day 1_-_ 30 minutes driving_

The bus has been silent for thirty minutes straight. By that time, Agitha can no longer stand it. She engages in conversation with Zelda, who sits on her left. "So, how are you, Zelda?"

Zelda smiles, charmed by Agitha's politeness. She replies, "I am doing just fine. How about you?"

"The awkward silence was getting to me," Agitha responds truthfully. "But I'm fine now."

Ganondorf groans, "And you had to ruin the wonderful silence."

"You make it sound like silence is a rare treat for you," Link comments.

Zant sits up. "Ah, the hero clad in green speaks."

"Every once in a while, he does," Midna confirms. She sits sideways with her back against the wall of the bus, same as Ghirahim.

Ganondorf nods, looking at Link. "A moment of peace is a gift from Hylia in my world. Someone is always whispering right in my ear or babbling nonsensically."

Ghirahim stops shuffling his playing cards. He smirks and says, "You make it sound like Zant and I are the bane of your existence."

"That's Link; he's the bane of my existence," Ganondorf explains. "You and Zant are the equivalent of having in-laws." This comment generates some laughs from Midna and Wizzro.

Lana comments to no one in particular, "That's kind of rude."

Cia looks back at Ganondorf and says, "Then you know my pain." Wizzro instantly stops laughing.

Volga's attention is taken by the conversation. "In-law; is that what I am to you, Cia?"

Cia is left speechless. Now that she thinks about it, Volga isn't nearly as bad as Wizzro. Whereas Wizzro will correct every decision she makes, Volga just stands quietly and listens. It is a rare treat for a woman to find a man that will quietly listen without a comment to add.

"Are you going to say anything to the man?" Ruto asks nosily.

Darunia, taking Cia's side, says to Ruto, "Ah c'mon, Ruto, give them some space."

"Oh dear. I just wanted to have a friendly conversation. I didn't intend for this to turn into hateful banter," Agitha worriedly states.

The softer side of Cia makes her say, "I-I guess saying you two are like in-laws is inaccurate. Heck, if Wizzro was more like you, Volga, life would be so much easier."

"…Ouch, Cia. I'm sitting right over here."

Midna laughs.

Wizzro scowls at Midna, who sits across from him. "So, you think this is funny, huh?"

"Hey, am I not allowed to think that's funny?"

Just then, Impa scolds, "Hey! We're only thirty-five minutes into the ride, and we've already hurt someone's feelings. Perhaps we should drop this subject all together."

"What?!" Wizzro is appalled that Impa even suggested that his feelings were hurt. Midna laughs even more. Why she gets so much enjoyment from his misfortune, he'll never know.

_Day 1- 3 hours and 35 minutes driving_

"Impa!" Proxi screams in the midst of the silence. Impa jumps, and the bus swerves. Zant's head hits the window hard enough to give him a concussion. His helmet was off, too. Impa releases her breath once she steadies the bus.

"Great Hylia, Proxi!" Volga scolds. "What are you trying to do? Kill us all?"

Proxi makes herself seen. She says, "No, I just want her to pull into that rest stop."

"Gees," Impa says, shaking her head. "You could have just asked in an inside voice."

Ghirahim comments, "She could have, but it wouldn't have been as exciting that way."

Impa pulls into the rest stop.

"Proxi doesn't have an inside voice," Link comments as Impa puts the bus in park. "I should know."

Impa stands up, facing the passengers. "Ok, everyone, I want to be back on the road in 15 minutes." She exits the bus in need of a break herself. The passengers follow her.

Ganondorf watches everyone go by. He states to nobody in particular, "15 minutes will definitely not be enough time."

Zant rubs his temples, trying to relieve himself of the headache he now has. "Why's that?" he asks.

Ganondorf smiles, amused by his next comment. "There are 15-and-a-half bladders on this bus. You do the math."

Fi doesn't get the joke, but she does make a calculation. "I believe you are mistaken. There are assumingly 14-and-a-half bladders between all fifteen of us."

Zant thinks about that. He realizes that Fi is a spirit, so she does not possess a body. "Wait," he interjects. "Assumingly?"

Fi explains, "It is possible, but not probable, that one of us does not possess an abdomen."

Zant snaps once and points once at Fi. "I know her size can be deceiving, but Midna has a full body."

"I was not referring to Midna. The warrior in question is Wizzro."

Wizzro, who is also still on the bus, turns his attention to the conversation once he hears his name.

"Oh. That makes sense," Zant confirms.

Fi makes another analysis and shares it. "We have spent approximately 17% of our given rest time in this one conversation."

"Do all that math in your head, did you?" Ganondorf mocks.

Fi nods once and states, "That was grammatically incorrect."

Zant guffaws. "Now she's an English teacher!"

"Are you going to get off this bus or not?!" screams Fi. Ganondorf and Zant are left speechless. All they can do is leave the bus.

Wizzro isn't quite sure what he witnessed, but he knows it wasn't normal. Fi's featureless eyes meet his one eye, and he scurries off the bus himself.

_Day 2- 15 hours and 12 minutes driving_

(In song)"65 fairies in the fountain! 65 fairies! Link takes one, gains some health! 64 fairies in the fountain!"

"Will you stop that monotonous song already?!" Cia screams at Agitha. You can't blame her; Agitha started at 200.

The singing ceases. A few warriors sigh in relief.

"Aw," Ghirahim coos. "Why must you make Agitha stop there? Only 64 more fairies to go, and Link will have none left. That is when we start singing the second verse. (in song to the tune of Bah Bah Black Sheep) One by one Link's hearts go down. Then he falls and hits the ground."

Zelda says with feigned admiration, "That is lovely, Ghirahim, but perhaps a moment of silence would do us all some good."

"In all sincerity, though," Lana adds. "I didn't know Ghirahim could sing."

Zant nods and says, "Oh, he can sing. As loud as he wants." Ganondorf laughs.

"So, he has good volume control?" Lana questions.

Zant replies, "More like volume out-of-control. Ganondorf and I can hear Ghirahim singing in the shower from headquarters. Sometimes I even recognize the tunes he sings."

"It is just like you to tell everyone that," mutters Ghirahim. He processed his humiliation as irritation through his words and facial expression.

Agitha gasps with a twinkle in her eyes as a result of the idea that just struck her head. "Guys! We could all play Truth of Dare!"

The passengers exchange glances for a moment before turning back to Agitha. They all agree.

Proxi shows herself. "I'll start. Zelda, truth or dare?"

Zelda shrugs. "UM… truth?"

Proxi carefully selects a personal question from her mind files. "In your opinion, which one of the four evil minions on this bus is the best at villainy?"

Zant chuckles to himself arrogantly, knowing the answer.

"Wizzro, definitely."

Zant is aghast. "What?!" That wasn't what he guessed at all!

Proxi asks for an explanation as to why Zelda thinks that. Zelda responds, "During battles, I often find Cia on the field and Wizzro telling the minions where to go. It makes me wonder if he's the tactician behind Cia's attacks."

"Someone recognizes me. It's about time."

Cia interrupts, "Hey, listen, I'm the puppeteer, here. Wizzro is like an in-law. They give you advice that you don't really ask for, but you end up using in the end." Several warriors experience Deja-vu.

Midna comments to nobody in particular, "I would laugh, but what she said rings true. No pun intended." She laughs at her own pun. "Get it? Because Wizzro is a ring? Ha! Classic."

"Ok, my turn," Zelda declares loudly before things escalate. "Lana, truth or dare."

"Dare!" She sits up on the edge of her seat, focused and ready.

Zelda giggles like a naughty kindergarten girl. "I dare you to… tell Zant how much you like his robes."

Lana loses her smile. "Hey, how did you know I think his robes are trendy?" She sits back in her seat, pouting. A few warriors snicker. A combination of hearing the snickers and the uplifting compliment turn Zant's cheeks rosy red. It's a good thing he's wearing a helmet.

"Hey, it's your turn, Lana," Proxi 'helpfully' points out.

Lana sits up. "Oh yeah! I forgot. So Ganondorf, truth or dare?"

Ganondorf is taken aback. "Wait, me?" Lana nods. Ganondorf laughs and proclaims that he can handle any dare that Lana has to throw his way.

"I dare you to do a tango with Cia."

Ganondorf shrugs. He stands up, takes Cia's hand, and starts doing the tango in the middle lane of the bus. He and Cia make a few turns before Impa yells at them to sit down.

It is Ganondorf's turn. "Link, truth or dare." Link chooses dare. Ganondorf carefully selects what he wants Link to do. He says, "Now, recite your favorite poem to us." Ganondorf has never heard Link speak more than a few sentences. He just wanted to see what Link does.

Link clears his throat.

_Be vigilant  
The sun will soon rise  
A new day dawns as we speak  
For the new challenges overpower the weak_

_Be prepared  
For the sun does not wait for you  
When it is time to rise, be well rested  
As soon as the sun breeches the horizon,  
You will be tested._

_Be mindful  
These words have a greater meaning  
This advice is not just for this day's strife  
It applies to all of life_

"One of my former life's companions wrote this, and I guess it has been passed down from generation to generation", Link explains. Everyone is left speechless.

"It's um…" Cia mumbles, "You're turn, Link."

"Oh yeah. UM…" Link shrugs. "Ghirahim. Truth or dare?"

Everyone is zapped out of their trance. Ghirahim chuckles. "Truth."

Lana rolls her eyes. "You just _had_ to play it safe."

Link expected him to say that. "What's your type of girl?"

Everyone is suddenly interested, except for Ruto, who wonders how Darunia can sleep through all of this.

Ghirahim has to think about that one for a minute. "Do you wish for me to simply describe my dream woman, or do you need me to point out the closest match?"

Link shrugs. "Just describe her."

"How can I describe whom I have not met yet? You'd be surprised, Link, how you don't know what type of woman your heart desires until your eyes lock with hers. Imagine, you're going about your everyday business. Maybe you're taking a walk with Zant while he describes his unfortunate trip to the restroom. You don't want to know. Just as you're wishing he would leave you be, you bump into someone, not paying attention to where you are going. They barely manage to grab onto the collar of your cape to keep themselves from falling over. You adjust your feet in a desperate attempt to balance your weight and theirs. You open your eyes to quite a sight. The gentle gaze of a young woman's eyes is the entire world. Time seems to stop as your body tries to make sense of what you are witnessing. Unsure of how to react, your stomach gets the strangest sensation known as butterflies. Your heart races as if you were running from Gohma on steroids. Your mind goes blank like a television being turned off. If your mouth isn't closed, before long, saliva will start dripping down your chin. After a timeless moment, it is she that apologizes. Her voice is muffled, but understandable. Finally, your brain has something to react to, but all you know how to do is breathe. Gibberish is your response, but only because your brain is still trying to make sense of what just happened. She steps away; your brain turns back on like the television. Suddenly, you are able to form sentences. You apologize to her, feeling responsible. What happens next varies for each individual, but there will always be small talk before she turns around with a smile to head back the way she came. As she walks away, you realize that you didn't get her name, but you are too dazed to ask."

"That's when Zant says something stupid, and life returns as usual. But from then on, your heart will always feel empty, not until that woman is back in your arms," Ghirahim finishes. Zant slumps in his seat, feeling picked on today.

Midna comments, "You describe that as if it has happened to you before." She smirks, knowing that she is invading personal space.

"That is how I've heard it to happen. There is no doubt in my mind that is how it happens."

"Except for the parts about Zant and the cape," Midna laughs.

Ghirahim takes his turn. His target is Ruto. Ruto picks dare. Ghirahim dares her to wear Link's boots outside on the next rest stop. She agrees.

Ruto decides to pick on Volga, who hasn't said a word for a long time now. "Yo, Volga, you awake?" Volga looks at Ruto, fully attentive. "Truth or dare?"

Volga doesn't feel like doing anything stupid, which he is sure Ruto is bound to tell him to do if he picks dare. He decides to play it safe. "Truth."

As Ruto carefully formulates a question, Fi does some analyzing. She concludes, "There is a 95% chance that Ruto is going ask Volga a question he'd rather not answer." Suddenly, Volga is beginning to regret his decision to play this game.

"Have you ever-," Suddenly, her eyes wander over to Link. He is eating a bag of chips. Ruto absentmindedly says, "Spilled a bag of chips?" She flinches, registering what she just said. "No wait! What?" This gets a laugh from several warriors.

Volga gives a half-smile, amused. "UH, no. Is that all you can come up with?"

Wizzro corrects, "No, you spilled a bag of chips the other day. I watched you."

"That was you, you lying pile of rags!" Volga bellows, angered at the wizard's nerve to tell fibs about him. Wizzro laughs.

Impa threatens, "Hey, I will pull this bus over if there is any more yelling. You hear me?"

Just to see if Impa will actually pull over, Wizzro waits for the opportune moment to make Volga yell again. The perfect moment presents itself, and Wizzro snags his chance.

"Cloth burns, you know! I won't hesitate to turn you into a pile of ashes!" Volga bellows, louder than the last time.

Impa pulls over into a rest stop. It was the perfect moment for a rest, anyways. Nobody complains. Impa stands up and orders everyone off the bus. A few warriors question why she orders everyone off the bus, but nobody decides to question her aloud.

Wizzro waits for everyone to file off the bus before deciding to exit himself. Impa stops him. "Not you."

"What?"

"I need to have a little word with you, troublemaker," Impa interrogates.

Wizzro was just having a little fun testing Impa. Now, he's paying for it. In the back of the bus, Midna slumped down in her seat to hide herself. She listens to Impa's harsh lecture. By the end, she can barely contain her laughter. Impa just spoke to Wizzro like he was a naughty toddler who just pushed a kid down at the playground.

"Point being, you don't want to test my patience. Got that?"

Wizzro nods, rolling his eye. Impa saw that. She kicks Wizzro off the bus herself. That's when Midna can no longer contain herself. Impa is alert to Midna's presence like an antelope becomes alert to a predator. She follows her ears straight to the source. Midna's laughter quickly stops.

_Day 3- 31 hours and 43 minutes of driving_

Link is in a trance looking out his window. He can see each individual tree that goes by, but only for a split second each. His mind has gone in a state of rest; not thinking about anything but breathing. This state may be more restful than actually sleeping.

To everyone's surprise, a large pop is heard, and the bus suddenly feels heavy on one side. Impa instinctively pulls the bus to the side of the road and puts the vehicle in park.

"I would have mistook that pop for someone popping a pimple if the bus wasn't pulled over," Cia states.

Lana grimaces. "That's really gross, Cia." Volga takes note of this. Aren't Lana and Cia supposed to be exaggerated versions of the same person? Does a sense of cleanliness come with goodness?

Impa gets out of the bus. Instantly, she finds the problem; one of the back wheels is toast. She gets back on the bus, carrying the news with her. "Well, it looks like we might be delayed for a while. We have a flat tire." She receives multiple moans and groans from the passengers.

Zelda smiles. "Don't worry about it. We passed a gas station a couple miles back."

"I'm sure glad you have a positive attitude, Zelda," Lana comments. "And, to add to the positivity, now we can step out and stretch a little."

"My back is killing me," Ganondorf adds. However, stretching won't be too much help on his back. What he really needs is a massage.

Impa leaves the keys to the bus in Zelda's hands and sets off towards the gas station, leaving the group to their own devices.

Lana steps closer to Link, partially to get a safe distance away from the road, and partially to direct her next comment to him. "Now that I think about it, this is a great bonding opportunity. 14 friends stranded on the highway, their bus halted by a flat tire; what better way to get to know each other."

"If we don't get moving soon, you're going to see the good, the bad, and the ugly of me," Ganondorf hisses, full of vinegar today.

Zant and Ghirahim watch Impa walk alongside the highway, headed the way they come from. Zant calls, "Can you walk any faster?!" Ghirahim laughs.

Finally, Volga steps out of the bus. He is the last one out. Ruto is the first to notice him. "Scared of the sunlight?"

"The sun has never bothered me before; doesn't bother me now. And wouldn't you think that it is _you _who should be fearful of overexposure to the sun?" Volga responds, making a valid point.

Ruto asks, "Why do you say that?"

"Your natural habitat is the water, so I can safely assume that your skin dries out in the sun."

"Oh wow! Let's give Volga a gold star for that impeccable observation," Wizzro proclaims, the sarcasm rolling off his tongue. Midna appreciates sarcasm, so she laughs along.

Zant takes attention to Midna. "Midna, you should be burning to a crisp out here. You're naked exposed to the sunlight."

"That's the magic of being princess, Zant," Midna boasts.

Link laughs. "Or it could just be because Zelda healed you the first time you were exposed to the light."

"Yeah, that too."

Wizzro listened intently to that conversation. He picked up the most important parts, locking them away in his subconscious: Twili "burn to a crisp" when exposed to light, Midna was once healed by Zelda in some form or another, and Midna is naked.

Ruto snickers. "I am a Zora, Volga. My skin doesn't dry out."

"What if we put you in a dryer? Then would you dry out? What about a hair dryer?" Darunia interrogates. Ruto just gives him a nasty glare, and he shuts up. He tries to masquerade the awkwardness by talking to Agitha.

Volga smirks. "All water must evaporate in the heat. I'm pretty confident that if you stand out here long enough, your skin will dry out."

"Fine, then, smart guy. I'll stand out here as long as we are parked. My skin will be as soft as a baby's butt. Wait and see."

"And by 'soft as a baby's butt', you mean hydrated."

"What are you suggesting?"

"You have scales. Need I say more?"

"Point taken. But you get what I meant."

Lana doesn't see Cia stepping close to Link because her attention is locked on a rabbit on the other side of the highway. The rabbit slowly makes its way towards the highway. Lana gasps. "Bunny! Don't!" Desperate, she sprints across the road.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Fi warns, emotionless. But it is too late. Somehow, the vacant street managed to spit one car out of nowhere in order to make contact with Lana, launching her airborne about twenty feet.

The warriors that saw the incident stare at Lana aghast. The car just kept on going, avoiding Lana after it had thrown her several feet away.

"What? What was that? I missed it. Do it again," Midna stutters, looking for what everyone is staring at. She was staring at Link and Cia, waiting for Link to step away from Cia.

Agitha has her hands over her mouth. "Oh my gosh! Lana, are you alright!" she calls. To her relief, Lana sits up without a scratch. She is a little dazed, but otherwise fine.

Zelda says, "And that, kids, is why you look both ways before crossing the street."

Zant chuckles. "That doesn't happen every time you sprint across the street blindly."

"Oh yeah?" Ganondorf challenges. He anticipates something hilarious.

"Yeah. Watch." Before anyone can oppose, Zant sprints out into the street, just like Lana did.

Fi confirms, "He will successfully make it across the street."

Fi spoke too soon. With three feet left to go, a speeding car bowls over Zant, flattening him like a pancake.

Volga looks in the direction the car came from. "Impossible! We surely would have seen that car coming!" He can barely be heard over the ragging laughter coming from Midna and Wizzro.

Darunia hands his hammer off to Link. Link has to let it rest on the ground. He could lift it if he had his gauntlets. Darunia cracks his neck and rolls out into the street. Just like that, another vehicle appears out of thin air and hits Darunia. This time, the vehicle is a semi-truck. The speed that Darunia is traveling after the collision reminds Link of a pinball game, except there is nothing for Darunia to bounce off of, so he just rolls down the street at high speed.

"I hope he didn't owe anybody any money, 'cause he definitely isn't coming back," Midna cunningly remarks. Wizzro just about offers Midna a high-five, but he opts not to, figuring that Cia might judge him for it. Stupid Cia. Ganondorf is so much more reasonable and chill.

The street has challenged the warriors, and the warriors have accepted the challenge. One of them will successfully cross the street without looking both ways. First, Link makes a run for it, hoping to slide to the other side like a baseball player sliding into home plate to avoid being tagged out. His attempt is unsuccessful, and the street hits him with an oncoming car before he starts the slide.

Next, Cia tries creating a barrier around herself. The force field only prevents the car from making direct contact with her. The force field is launched by the car, taking Cia with it.

Then Ghirahim decides to play a nasty trick on the road. He simply teleports to the other side. The road didn't settle to well with that. It sends a hummer Ghirahim's way when his back is turned. The road proves that it doesn't mind sending its forces off the road.

Before all of the magic warriors are defeated, Agitha decides try her strategy. Ganondorf tosses her high above the street so she can gracefully fly over the street. The street sends a plane to get her.

If you can't go over the street, maybe you can go under the street. Wizzro uses his abilities to create a tunnel under the street. He is greeted by the street's personal underground drill machine.

Midna decides to take a different approach. The cars have been successful because all of its victims have been tall enough for the bumpers to hit them. Midna carefully crawls across the street so that the cars will go right over her. She overlooked the Fused Shadows on her head. All the car needed to hit was her head.

You know what! This is ridiculous! Ganondorf charges full force with his swords out. He lays waste to the car that the street sends his way. But the street refuses to be abused like that. It sends a tanker, and Ganondorf doesn't stop to think. The tanker explodes. One more warrior learns their lesson; don't mess with the street.

Ganondorf took the aggressive approach. Fi decides to take the passive approach. She dances her way into the street. She avoids the first car by going back. The street sends more cars. Fi dodges the cars with her graceful dance moves, weaving in and out. The street gets annoyed and sends a straight line of cars. Fi can't weave through those cars.

Zelda has become infuriated. This street has proven its might, but it can't be stronger than the triforce. Zelda uses the Triforce of Wisdom to encase herself in protective light. With Hylia's aid, Zelda will cross the street!

Nope. How the street managed to best the Triforce of Wisdom is unfathomable.

Volga and Ruto are the only ones left. They have watched their friends get squashed, launched, and driven out of the ground trying to cross the street.

"Perhaps one day, when we are stronger and smarter, we can best the street," Volga submits, realizing that if Ganondorf, Zelda, and even Link can't win, that he is probably not skilled enough either.

Ruto doesn't accept a quitter attitude. "We are the warriors of Hyrule. We either win together or lose together. Are you going to cower on the loser's side of the road, or are you going to cross the street with me?"

Volga can't argue with that logic.

"But… I just realized that there might be glass on the road. Just carry me across," Ruto demands.

Wait a minute… pick her up? Ah ha! Volga picks Ruto up, putting her on his shoulder. It is a good thing she has a tight grip, or else she would have fallen off as Volga sprint out into the road. About halfway there, the road sends a car their way. That's when Volga takes Ruto in his hand and tosses her towards the target. He is hit by the car, but Ruto keeps on going. She lands in the grass on the other side of the road, safely.

The fallen warriors gather. Ruto gets up, brushing herself off. Then she realizes that she made it across the street. Victory! The road has been bested!

Impa returns with the supplies she needs to change the flat tire. Her fellow warriors are rejoicing, and Ruto is on the opposite side of the street. Also, Volga is lying on the highway, which isn't very safe. Impa drops all questions and changes the tire.

Everyone gets back on the bus after Impa changes the tire. Impa notices that the bus didn't shift weight like it does when Darunia gets on. "Hey, has anyone seen Darunia?" The warriors tell Impa what happened while she was gone, and Impa drives back the way they came looking for Darunia.

_Day 3- 37 hours of driving_

Finally, the warriors arrive at their destination. The Smash Festival has never been so wild.

Author's Notes- What I would give to go to The Smash Festival. This was a really long chapter, and I've been very busy lately. Continue to ask the warriors questions via reviews for the Q&amp;A coming up, and vote for your favorite chapter between chapters 11 and 19.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25- Hopelessly in Love

If you want to get something done, you don't send somebody else to do it. You don't even do it yourself. You let magic do it. That's how Cia lives on a day-to-day basis. Of course, she uses her own magic, because anybody else's magic will just screw things up even more.

And it's about time Cia leaves it to magic to solve what shouldn't even be a problem in the first place.

For three days, Cia has been vigorously studying the spell books. She won't sleep; if she wasn't driven by determination, she'd collapse and not get up. She won't eat; she missed barbeque night, and she never misses Volga's barbeque. By this point, Cia is practically a zombie with a thirst for the perfect spell.

Volga and Wizzro are in the middle of chest when Wizzro asks for the first time since Cia's disappearance, "Hey, where's Cia?" Volga quit asking Wizzro the same question two days ago at about 7 p.m. He tried to ask, but the words couldn't escape his mouth after seeing… whatever that was. He just decided to drop the subject and forget what he saw. He ended up forgetting the subject and remembering what he saw.

The two start a search party for their mistress. Volga takes to the skies. The light from his flaming wings can be seen all throughout Hyrule. He doesn't have to fly far. Cia is at the slumbering Gate of Souls at the Valley of Seers. Volga takes his more humanoid form, landing on the ground with a large thud. He is unharmed. "Cia," he bellows. He's not yelling; his voice is just naturally loud. Nobody ever has trouble hearing him.

Cia is wearing what she always wears, but her outfit looks like it's about to fall off of her. Volga instantly notices that Cia hasn't been taking care of herself, and all he had to do was look at her from the back to tell. "Cia," he calls again, this time purposely trying to be quieter. "We have been unproductive for three days. Shouldn't we start rebuilding our army for the next battle?"

The only response Volga gets is a laughter that starts out quiet, but slowly gets louder. It has an ominous insanity to it, and Volga doesn't like it. Something is obviously wrong.

That's when Wizzro comes up out of the ground like an animal hatching out of an egg. "I give up. We'll just say that Cia is dead when people ask where she is," he proclaims.

"She might very well be close to dying in the state that she's in," says Volga, gesturing towards Cia with his hand.

Wizzro gets an annoyed expression. "You could have told me she was here before I went to Gerudo Desert." Volga asks what happened in the desert. Wizzro explains, "I get there, and only air leaves my mouth. There wasn't much I could say upon arriving to Ganondorf threatening to rip off his shirt like a 'real man'. Ghirahim was all like 'you wouldn't dare show us your mythical abs'. Zant asks if they were as legendary as the children books say. Like, what kind of books are these crazy Hylians showing their toddlers? Anyways, I was going to stay to watch Ganondorf rip off his shirt, just secret-like, you know, but that's about when I was spotted. I tried to just leave, but Zant offered me fresh-baked cookies. I was about to accept a cookie until I remembered my diet, and I had to leave before the temptation grew worse."

"But you quit that diet a week ago," Volga informs.

"… DANG IT! I missed out on a cookie!"

In a raspy voice, Cia mutters, "I figured it out." Just her voice alone grabs Volga and Wizzro's attentions.

Volga and Wizzro patiently wait for Cia to explain, like she usually does. It takes thirty seconds longer than usual for her to explain her own statement: Wizzro was counting. Cia starts walking towards her minions while saying, "There is always a simple, hidden-in-plain-sight answer to every problem. In this case, the resolution is simply make myself attractive."

Wizzro guffaws. "I'm not one to give compliments, but all men dream of women with your figure at least once in their lifetime. Now to say something more in my comfort zone: if your personality was a human, no amount of make-up or jewelry could make it worth looking at." If Volga had to rate how gentlemanly Wizzro is on a scale of 0 to 10, the rating would be a -7.

Cia knows how to shut Wizzro up. "My collection of jewelry is looking rather slim at the moment. But I know someone who just happens to make a lovely ring." Her warning was heeded, and Wizzro has nothing more to say.

"What have you been working on for so long?" Volga asks, attempting to get a little more information out of his mistress.

There is an ill-omened pause in the conversation. Cia turns towards the Gate of Souls, taking a few steps towards it. Finally, she replies, "Maybe now he will finally love me." Her spell begins.

Wizzro isn't taking any chances. He doesn't stick around to see what happens. Volga doesn't do the same. The Gate of Souls starts reacting to Cia's enchantment, and Volga knows he has to stop this somehow. Instinctively, Volga charges towards Cia. Before he gets to her, the Gate of Souls has a violent reaction to the spell. The area is shrouded in light.

…

Link rushes to Zelda's aid. Zelda is supposedly in the courtyard, according to Proxi. Proxi isn't always reliable, but taking into account the news she brought, Link can't take the chance of assuming it's false. He enters the courtyard to a strange sight. Impa beat him to Zelda's aid, but she's not really helping, just holding off a certain arrogant wizard. After more careful examination, it appears that _he_ is holding off _her_. That's the first thing Link finds peculiar. The second thing Link finds odd is that Zelda is simply staring in awe at Volga. She doesn't even have a weapon in her hands. Volga appears to be waiting for her to make a move.

A whip-like rope wraps itself around Link's wrist and pulls him aside, behind the hedge that separates the courtyard from the rest of the castle. He is placed in front of Cia.

"Hello Link. Lovely day, isn't it?" Cia makes friendly conversation.

Link's first response is to pull out his sword, but Cia's friendly expression muffles his instincts for the time being. He doesn't really know how to respond at the moment.

Proxi whispers into Link's ear, "My insides feel weird. I think she's trying to flirt with you."

Link is utterly disgusted. His facial expression shows it.

Cia notices Link's reaction. She is confused. She looks down at her outfit. Ugh! She knew she should have changed her clothes.

Link politely excuses himself and attempts to shuffle away without drawing attention to himself. He is unsuccessful.

"I-I should be irresistible. What happened?" Cia thinks aloud. Her spell should have worked. Link should be falling head-over-heels for her.

"Cia!" cries a familiar voice. It is more desperate than Cia is used to hearing from either of her minions. She enters the courtyard, slowly because of disappointment.

Wizzro witnesses Zelda staring dreamily at Volga while leaning against the lone tree in the courtyard. Meanwhile, Impa is making conversation with Volga. Cia enters the courtyard, wondering why Wizzro called her name. She grumbles, "What do you need now?"

"Is it just me," Wizzro asks. "Or is Zelda acting strange?" He is trying to give Cia a hint to look and examine Zelda's behavior. Is she seeing what he is seeing?

Cia doesn't care right now. If Wizzro was on fire she wouldn't care. With a furious amount of drama, she teleports in a puff of smoke. Wizzro is left to watch as Zelda dreamily flutters her eyes in Volga's direction. The reason he called Cia? He just doesn't know what to make of what he's seeing.

…

It doesn't take Cia long to figure out what's going on. Everywhere he goes, Volga is caressed by women. Cia makes sure he knows what's going on. "You idiot! You were enchanted by my spell! That's why every girl that glances at you is suddenly love-struck."

"Then why aren't you… you know," asks Wizzro.

"Because I'm the one who casted the spell!" And nobody said anything else for the rest of the day.

…

Ganondorf confronts Volga the next day. "How would you like to lead Ghirahim and Zant into battle?"

"I mean no offense, Sir Ganondorf, but your minions are on incompetent side."

"First off, you will call me Lord Ganondorf," Ganondorf states. "Secondly, that is why I came to you. I'm just curious to find out if there is something I can do to make them less useless. I want to see if their performance changes under a different commander."

Fair enough. Volga accepts the job.

"So, explain to us why Ganondorf placed us under your command?" Ghirahim asks Volga. He, Zant, and Volga wander aimlessly through Twilight Fields, hoping for an army they can recruit.

Volga just shrugs. What can he say to these two without hurting their feelings? 'I'm sorry, but Ganondorf thinks you two are incompetent'? Yeah, the truth hurts.

Just then, a Twilight Portal appears.

"Annoying princess at 10' o'clock!" Zant squeals. He whips out his scimitars, ready to unleash all heck on the princess he despises so much that it gives him headaches.

Midna pops up through the portal like a flower pops up out of a flower pot, only much faster. She chuckles smugly at the guys. This only serves to miff Ghirahim.

"Hello idiots. Taking a leisurely stroll through the fields in order to make sense of your utterly disappointing lives?" Midna declares. If Volga didn't watch Midna just say that, he would have sworn it was Wizzro.

Zant says, "That's it. You're dead."

Midna holds up her hands. "Hey, I just came for him." Zant and Ghirahim are stopped in their tracks.

Ghirahim assumes Midna was talking about him. "You have my attention."

Midna asks, "Which one of you is the leader?"

Zant and Ghirahim exchange glances. They both raise their hands, as if saying "me".

Volga informs, "That would be me. Have you come to challenge me?"

Midna considers this. Then she says, "If that means you'll follow me, then yes."

"Where are you going to take me?"

"Oh, you'll see," Midna mysteriously responds. She summons a Twilight wolf and rides off on it. Volga orders Ghirahim and Zant to stay put. He follows Midna.

Ten and a half minutes go by. Zant is getting restless. "Maybe we should go check on him."

Ghirahim has taken this time to practice his victory poses in a mirror. "No need, my friend. Just relax and enjoy this time to yourself."

"Ghirahim, what are you doing?" Zant has just noticed the mirror.

Ghirahim chuckles to himself. "Why, I am perfecting my already perfect victory stances," he responds. "Would you like to join me?"

For the next five minutes, Zant and Ghirahim pose in the mirror as a duet. They stand back-to-back, a freeze-frame jump, and even the Titanic scene where the main characters stand at the front of the boat. Ghirahim plays Rose.

Ghirahim accidentally steps on Zant's foot. That's when Zant realizes that they are still waiting for Volga. "What is Midna doing to Volga?"

"Do you really want to know? Your innocence will be forever lost."

Zant grabs Ghirahim's wrist and drags him along for the ride; the search for Volga.

Volga is threatening a group of girls surrounding him. "Stay back, you fiends! I'm a talking flamethrower!"

"That just makes you hot," is Ruto's response.

"Indeed," Fi concurs. "Your fire-breathing abilities make you 3.35% more attractive."

"Great Hylia, what is going on?!" exclaims a very confused and terrified Volga.

By this time, Zant and Ghirahim have been watching this for 45 seconds. Zant asks, "Should we do something?"

"Not yet," Ghirahim says. "I'm curious to see what happens."

Zant turns to Ghirahim. "What is there to see? The poor guy is being swooned over. He needs a faithful wingman or two to bring him back into the realm of the sane."

Ghirahim rolls his eyes and says, "I believe he already has a wingman, and that is Wizzro."

"Ringman. Not wingman." Ghirahim nearly jumps out if his skin at the sound of Wizzro's raspy voice. The twisted wizard has been floating behind Zant and Ghirahim since Ghirahim said he was curious to see what happens to Volga.

Zant laughs at Wizzro's pun.

Though he is still stunned, Ghirahim manages to ask, "How did you get here?"

"I took the bus," Wizzro answers sarcastically. Normally, he would have said that he hitched a ride with aliens, but he's not in the mood to mess with peoples' minds today.

The three of them watch as Volga tries to wiggle his way out of the horde of women with no success.

Wizzro mumbles, "It's been like this for a week now. Everywhere he goes he's the new big deal. You'd think he was Hyrule's next top model." Ghirahim can taste the envy in Wizzro's tone.

"How? I mean, he's always been buff, but the girls are only noticing now?" Zant questions.

Wizzro guffaws through his non-existent nose. "Fate thought it would be funny if Cia's pheromone spell affected Volga instead of her, and now even Zelda stares dreamily at the dragon man."

Ghirahim can't help but chuckle.

"What's so funny?"

Ghirahim stops laughing, but he still possesses a naughty smirk. "Oh nothing. I just find it amusing that there is a hint of contempt on your voice, wizard. Don't tell me you're, oh dare I say, jealous?"

Wizzro scoffs. He says, "The only thing Volga has worth envying is his ability to tear you limb-from-limb with his jaw."

Ghirahim turns to Zant, still smirking. Zant asks Wizzro, "Are you feeling ok?"

Wizzro has to think about how to respond to that. Finally, he decides to just say, "I'm just peachy. Thank you for asking." Zant nods, satisfied.

The trio continues to watch. Midna rests her head on Volga's shoulder while he nervously answers all of Ruto's questions about his personal life.

"You'd think Midna wouldn't fall for a guy just because of an enchantment was placed on him," utters Wizzro, sounding disappointed. Ghirahim and Zant glance at him.

Volga asks the horde of women surrounding him, "You _all _want a piece of me?"

The horde, which includes Zelda, Lana, Fi, Ruto, Midna, and Agitha, nods simultaneously.

Volga starts to sweat nervously. "There's only one of me."

Midna notices Wizzro, Zant, and Ghirahim watching them. She smirks with a devious idea. "Volga, there are a few guys over there eyeing us."

Volga's attention turns to the eavesdroppers. He can't stand eavesdroppers.

"What do you suggest we do?" Ghirahim asks Wizzro.

Wizzro doesn't have time to answer. A wave of flames is showered over the trio by Volga in his dragon form. The group flees the area. The ladies don't care if Volga can turn into a scary, fire-breathing dragon. They simply think it's attractive.

…

Wizzro has just about had enough of this. He devises a plan that will surely get Volga's backside handed to him. Disguised as Lana, Wizzro enters the courtyard of the castle in search of Link. He waited patiently for this moment, so he'd better not mess this up.

Link is practicing his sword skills with Impa, the one woman who can control herself when Volga is near. Wizzro gets himself in their way. "Link, the enemy has Zelda! Come quick!"

"What?! Is someone aiding Zelda now?" Impa inquires, putting her sword training on hold. Link doesn't stick around hear fake Lana's answer. He sprints to Zelda's aid. He has to stop and ask fake Lana where Zelda is. Then he continues.

Link finds that instead of Zelda in the hands of evil, the evil is in the hands of Zelda. Volga stands motionless with Zelda hugging his waist. Besides Midna on his shoulder, this is the first time one of the women has actually touched him. Is it rude to hit a woman outside of battle? Volga isn't quite sure how to respond.

All of the heroic courage suddenly drains from Link's heart, probably because his heart has just cracked down the middle. He feels cold and heavy, as if standing under a pile of snow. Lifeless.

Wizzro abandoned his Lana disguise once out of range of Impa and rushed to the sidelines to watch Link destroy Volga for stealing his girl. He is shocked to see Link put away his sword and start trudging away with his head down.

Link is stopped when a determined wizard gets in his path. "Where are you going?!" Wizzro yells at him. "He just stole your damsel in distress! Get in there and punch him in the gut!"

Impa, who was heading to Zelda's aid, stops upon seeing Wizzro. "A-ha! I knew you were masquerading as Zelda!" She prepares an attack. She stops when Wizzro holds up a hand as if he was going to say something.

He does say something. "Two things. First off, I wouldn't masquerade as Zelda and swoon over Volga if you threatened to kill me if I didn't. Secondly, how can I be Zelda if I'm right here?!" Impa didn't think about that. She realizes that the real Zelda is fine and simply hugging Volga. With that said, she puts away her weapon.

Link gives a short spiel on how even though he knew the girls now had a thing for Volga, he never would have guessed that Zelda would be the first to finally make a move and possibly win the dragon man's heart. He continues past the twisted wizard without a second glance. Now, Wizzro feels hopeless for two reasons. One, his plan broke a man where he can never be healed (which wouldn't be so bad if they weren't in the situation they are now). And two, not even Link has the willpower to fight back against Cia's love spell.

…

Link joins the warrior men for a session of feeling hopeless later that same day. By this time, all six of them now realize that Volga pretty much has the woman at his fingertips. Link, Darunia, Ganondorf, Ghirahim, Zant, and Wizzro accept that they will pretty much be alone for the rest of their lives, and not because they choose to be. It's just the choice to fall in love with a woman that they so desperately desire. But now that there is no chance of that woman falling in love with them in return, what's the point? A couple of them cry for a while. Then, one-by-one, they dismiss themselves.

…

Cia is furious. Volga hasn't shown himself since yesterday. She bellows, "Wizzro, go find Volga and tell him to come see me immediately."

Wizzro would rather either curl up in bed and wallow, or bury Volga alive, but he can't tell Cia no… or come back and say "I buried him". He reluctantly teleports to where Volga is most likely to be. Sure enough, Volga is sitting comfy at Lake Hylia with a horde of girls at his bidding. Wizzro does even bother going and talking to him; he is sure one of the girls will stop him and say "don't you dare touch Volga!" Oh, he'll touch Volga if he wants to. He'll push Volga into the lake and hope he drowns!

B-but anyways, that's not the point. He goes back to Cia with a mixture of seething loath and sorrowful despair in his heart. He tells Cia, "This won't surprise you, but he's practically the pharaoh of Lake Hylia, and all of his servants are women."

Cia is tapping her fingers on her staff. She grumbles, "He's finally taking advantage of all the attention. Well good for him."

Shortly after, something in Cia's brain clicks. Now she suddenly has the determination to try the spell again, only this time, use it on herself. She could focus the spell so only Link will be affected, and then all of this trouble will have been worth it. Now that she has the spell, she just needs to transfer it from Volga to herself. Simple. She turns to Wizzro. "But seriously, find a way to pry Volga from those girls' hands. I have a plan."

Wizzro doesn't care what Cia's plan is as long as Volga pays dearly for stealing all chances of ever finding love. But he can't do it alone.

"Break the hearts of the girls that broke ours? Are you kidding? I'm in! The Twilight King is at your service."

"HM… you need my help getting Volga away from his posse of women?" Ghirahim chuckles and asks, "How could I refuse?"

Team assembled!

…

Ruto is about to go find some grapes to feed Volga, when-

"Hey ladies!" yells a certain demon lord. The girls, and Volga, all turn to look at Ghirahim and Zant a few yards away. Wizzro has no idea what's going through the heads of those two, but he is already starting to regret hiring them.

"If you don't relinquish Volga right now, I'll be forced to show you Zant's amazing abs!" This is Ghirahim's threat.

Zant takes this as a threat as well. "If you even touch my robes in an attempt to reveal my abs, I'll cut off all of your precious hair with my scimitars." Perhaps Ghirahim should have told Zant his idea.

This only gets the girls to talk amongst themselves. Ruto about yells back to Ghirahim that they can practically see Volga's toned abs through his armor, but whatever. Midna is already barfing at the thought of Zant's abs.

Zant steps forward after telling Ghirahim that he has a better idea. "Better offer ladies! If you step away from Volga, you can touch Ghirahim's hair."

"What? No!" Ghirahim bellows at Zant. "I just conditioned it! Do you know how long it takes to get this hair so perfect?!"

Zelda turns to Volga. "Just curious, do you have hair?"

"I'd have to take off my helmet, but yes."

"OOO! Is your hair brown, black, or blond?"

"Maybe it's ginger!"

The girls start asking Volga to remove his helmet and show them his hair.

Wizzro doesn't understand why Cia complains about him and Volga all the time; Ganondorf has it much worse with Ghirahim and Zant. Who knows what those two do in their free time.

"Well that got us nowhere." Ghirahim concludes. "Got any more brilliant ideas?"

Zant shrugs and says, "Volga never turns down a challenge. If we can't get the girls away from Volga, maybe we can get Volga away from the girls."

"That… is actually not a bad idea." Ghirahim admits. They decide to try it.

Zant steps up. "Volga! Forget what we said before. We challenge you to a fight."

Volga gets on his feet. "You challenge me to a fight?"

"Yep. Two versus one. What say you?" Zant gets out his scimitars just to prove he is ready to fight. Ghirahim gets out his sword, following Zant's example.

Volga smirks. He hasn't had a good battle in a long time. None of these women will fight him. He gets out his Dragonbone Pike.

"You're actually going to fight them?" Ruto inquires.

Zelda already knows the answer. "Please be careful."

Midna smiles. "Or you know, get hurt. That works too."

Agitha asks why. When Midna winks at her, she realizes what Midna was thinking and suddenly agrees with her.

Volga, Ghirahim, and Zant fight right there at Lake Hylia. Zelda makes sure the girls have stepped back out of harm's way. Impa would have done that, but since Impa isn't here, Zelda has to take charge.

At a standstill during the battle, a purple portal is opened under Volga. He falls into it, disappearing. Zant and Ghirahim consider their job done. They put away their weapons, feeling accomplished.

"Hey! What did you do with Volga!?" Ruto screams.

They shouldn't have put away their weapons.

Back at the Valley of Seers, Volga appears out of thin air. Wizzro appears with him. "That took longer than it needed to," he says.

Volga gets on his feet. "I was in the middle of a battle, Wizzro."

"Cia needed you now, and so I told Ghirahim and Zant to do whatever it would take to get you away from the girls."

Cia overhears this. "Ghirahim and Zant?"

Wizzro turns to Cia. "None of that matters. What does matter is now you have Volga."

"Very good," Cia says, actually slightly pleased with her wizard. "Now make yourself scarce before this spell affects you, too." Wizzro does as instructed.

Before Volga can ask what's going on, Cia performs a spell to transfer her previous spell from Volga to her.

Nothing seems to have happened. "Wizzro!" Cia calls. Wizzro comes. Cia commands, "Tell me where Link is so that I may test to see if the spell worked." Wizzro only stares for a moment, but then shakes his head back into reality and leaves to find the whereabouts of Link, as told.

Volga asks, "What was supposed to happen, Mistress Cia?"

"You are free, Volga. Women should no longer swoon over you."

Volga is only halfway disappointed. It wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He asks if he can be dismissed to go assemble an army, and Cia dismisses him.

Wizzro returns with news of Link, saying that he is at Hyrule Castle with Zelda. Cia says "perfect" and heads for Hyrule Castle. Now it is Zelda's turn to be heartbroken.

…

Link's heart has been mended. He found Zelda wandering aimlessly at the castle gardens and asked where Volga was. When she asked why he cared where Volga was, hope was restored. He and Zelda have been in a conversation for the past ten minutes.

Cia strides into the garden, making a scene. She is successful in getting Link's attention. Zelda flees to the castle.

"Aw, pity. I wanted Zelda to watch as you start drooling at the sight of me," Cia says to Link. Unbeknownst to her, at the entrance of the garden, Wizzro is drooling at the sight of her.

Link flinches and asks why he would drool at the sight of her. He then proclaims that his love is for Zelda whenever she decides to have it. Before he leaves, he thanks Cia just in case she had something to do with returning Zelda to normal. Then he leaves Cia in the garden with only her wizard for company.

Her spell has failed again. Back to the drawing board. Now all the girls, except for Zelda, are wondering "No! Why are all the guys (except for Link) helplessly in love with Cia?!"

Author's Notes- Sorry this took so long to update. I started something, but then it fell apart. Then I started this chapter, and it flowed very nicely. I had a ton of fun writing this one. If you haven't already, vote on the poll (I know. I'm repetitive. So what?) and please continue to submit questions for the Q&amp;A coming up, even if you've already submitted some. I'd love more.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26- The Glue that Holds Things Together

"Dang. We _really _messed up this time, Link."

Link is caught in a daze. His heart may have stopped beating altogether. He stayed calm when he thought that Wizzro had taken Zelda (later learning that she was actually Sheik, safe and sound), but this time he watched as Ganondorf took the beloved princess and disappeared without a trace. The only people left qualified to rule Hyrule in the meantime are Impa and Lana… In other words, Hyrule is doomed.

…

"You'll be crashing with us for a while, princess," Ganondorf informs his captive. Zelda is led to a building, surprisingly. On the outside, the building looks like the original plan was a castle, but was decided it should be more business-like, and then given the hominess of a suburb home for a family of three to six. Even though she isn't quite sure where she is, she has a feeling they are located somewhere on the outskirts of Gerudo Desert, where there is only a little more vegetation and only mildly unbearable temperatures.

As if they had a mind of their own, the large front doors open for Zelda and her captor. Zelda has been forced to walk in front into potential danger, led along by the Gerudo King. Going through the front doors is no different. Zelda keeps her head high, paying no mind to the two figures holding the doors open. Once Ganondorf is inside, the doors are closed by the same duo that opened them. Zelda knows that the entrance was meant to be grand based on the simple fact that the opening and closing of the doors was in synch. But then again, what isn't grand when involving the King of Evil?

A familiar voice greets Ganondorf; "Welcome home, my lord."

Another familiar voice says, "We see your mission was a success."

"We expected nothing less,"

"But maybe a little more,"

"From the Great Lord Ganondorf,"

Ganondorf walks around Zelda. He says, "One of you, take our guest to her room. And be nice to her; she is a guest, after all." A peculiarly odd request from Ganondorf, considering that he hates Zelda. If Ganondorf's top generals are thinking the same thing, they are keeping their comments to themselves.

Ghirahim seems to glide across the floor as he walks around to the front of Zelda. "May I be the first to welcome you, Princess Zelda."

Zant finishes Ghirahim's sentence, "To the humble abode of our master, Lord Ganondorf." Zelda looks over her shoulder at the towering, treacherous Twili.

Ghirahim chuckles quietly to himself before saying, "Please, follow me." He proceeds to turn his back to Zelda and start walking farther into the 'humble abode'. With no other options, Zelda follows the demon lord. Shortly after, she is followed by Zant.

Zelda admires the architecture of her arch-nemesis's headquarters. Exquisite and exotic portraits and statues give life to what otherwise would be a dim void of the thought of corrupted souls passing through that very same corridor on a daily basis. The princess of Hyrule, so pure at heart, feels out of place, yet strangely right where she should be in a brightly-colored hallway where shadows of evil walk.

Ghirahim stops and turns to face Zelda before saying, "You will be staying here." He places a quiet hand on the doorknob. Zelda can't help but watch with anticipation as the door is opened, revealing her temporary prison. The room isn't quite as colorful as the hallway, but it would be once Zelda stepped in. Zelda is almost aggravated, knowing that the atmosphere of the room won't help remind her that she is a captive in her enemy's clutches.

She steps into the room. Once she is there, there is nothing left for the villains to do; Ganondorf didn't have to physically bind Zelda to keep her captive. She's such a sweetheart for making his life so easy.

"Make yourself at home," utters Zant. This is the last sentence Zelda hears before the door is shut for the night with her inside.

…

Zelda is awake for a more than an hour before she can smell any signs of a breakfast meal. She quietly exits her temporary stay and follows her nose to the dining room.

Only Ghirahim and Zant are in the room. Zant is struggling to get through the peel of an orange with his scimitar. He's so concentrated that he retracted his helmet to get a better look at his fruit. Ghirahim reclines in his chair, his feet resting on the table beside his empty plate. It used to have buttered toast on it, but all that is left of the toast is a few crumbs.

"I hate to break it to you, but something tells me you're not going to get into that orange," Ghirahim informs.

That's when Zant's scimitar penetrates all the way through the orange. Much to Ghirahim's dismay, the fruit's citrus liquid hurdles straight into his exposed eye. Much to Zant's dismay, not only is there a weapon in his fruit, but Ganondorf is going to kill him for puncturing the perfectly polished mahogany table.

Zelda watches as Ghirahim tumbles into the floor holding his eye. "Dang it, Zant! Screw your orange!"

"Yeah, screw my orange," Zant says as he flings both his scimitar and orange over his right shoulder. "We've got to fix this table before Ganondorf shows up! Quick, how do you fill in a hole in wood?!"

Ghirahim stands, using his chair as a crutch, despite not being severely crippled. His attention diverts from Zant to Zelda, who calmly picked up Zant's scimitar and is now peeling his orange. Once fully peeled, she pulls the fruit off the blade. Zant sees Zelda after noticing Ghirahim staring off at something behind them.

Both of Ganondorf's army generals turn towards the captive princess in an orderly fashion. Ghirahim blinks his eye rapidly, attempting to ease the sting. Zant's helmet comes back over his head like the hood of a convertible car.

Zelda finds herself amused by their behavior. She glances at the orange before offering it to its rightful owner. Zant is thrown off guard by her behavior, but eventually manages to utter, "Thank you, but I have lost my appetite. You may have it, if you so desire. You did manage to peel it, so I suppose that makes it yours."

Ghirahim is in a sour mood compared to his comrade. "Savor your lucky steal. Prisoners don't always get three meals a day here," he rebukes.

"Then I'll make this last for as long as I can," Zelda calmly responds. Without another word, she turns around to return to her dorm.

The moment Zelda is out of earshot, Zant spins around to face the table and lifts it off its legs. "Open the door for me so I can bury this in the backyard."

Ghirahim smirks and asks, "And how do you plan to explain the missing dining room table?"

"… UM, let's just take this one step at a time."

…

Ganondorf has just finished explaining the battle strategy to his the head commanders of his army. However, in the plan, only one commander is needed.

"I trust that you will not fail me, Ghirahim."

"Whatever the cost, I will not fail you, Lord Ganondorf."

Ganondorf nods once before turning to his other general. "In the meantime, you are going to handcraft a new dining table, under my supervision, of course," he states. Zant has nothing to say; his punishment for burning- after failing to bury the table, he used it as firewood- the scratched dining table is fair. He just hopes his minimal experience in woodwork won't be a hindrance to the project.

Ghirahim strides with a purpose towards the exit. He is stopped when Ganondorf says, "And perhaps, for a bit of leverage, you should take our captive." The demon lord can't help clench his fists. As if being positioned to fight such a lowly enemy wasn't degrading enough, now he's being told to blackmail the enemy using a hostage. How humiliating, and the battle hasn't even begun.

"With all due respect, my lord," Ghirahim says with all the resolve he can muster. "I believe the strength of the army and of course, my personal know-how will be enough to subdue our opponent."

"Fi will be less likely to fight at full force if she knows we have a hostage. Take those statistics into consideration," Ganondorf replies. His witty commentary gets a chuckle out of Zant, who appreciates clever humor.

With nothing more to say, Ghirahim reluctantly retrieves the hostage and sets out to battle. If he had to say something positive, at least Zelda didn't question him when he told her to follow him calmly.

Sure enough, the enemy commander, Fi, managed to dance her way to Ghirahim's base. And, as Ganondorf guessed, she is stopped in her tracks seeing Zelda held hostage.

"I suggest you wave the white flag, otherwise the precious princess won't see the light of tomorrow," threatens Ghirahim. Zelda displays no emotion or reaction.

Fi does a few calculations before stating, "There is a 99.9 percent chance you are bluffing." Zelda can't help but smile as Ghirahim gives Fi the most irritated expression in the history of warrior facial expressions. His expression even challenges Midna's look of utter horrific disgust when she witnessed Lana teaching Darunia how to be sexy. Link has commented on how it is a treat to see such a facial expression from Midna, or anybody for that matter. It isn't easy to get a good facial expression from Wizzro, but I digress.

Zelda knows what to say. "Fi, it is best to play it safe at this point, for Hyrule's sake. Retreat and take your troops to Hyrule. Have everyone gather there. Ganondorf will surely strike there." Fi immediately follows Zelda's instructions.

Ghirahim turns to Zelda and asks, "You do realize that now I know where to find the heroes, right?"

"I am confident that their combined forces will be enough to stay strong against Ganondorf."

"Do well to remember that _you_ are at our mercy."

"Keep in mind that I've got the inside scoop because you've captured me," Zelda retorts. This leaves Ghirahim at a standstill. The very person being used as leverage holds knowledge of Ganondorf's plans that she will spill at Link's convenience. HMM… perhaps Ganondorf didn't think this one through. Well, the only thing left to do is return to Ganondorf and report, so Ghirahim does just that, bringing the captive with him. He almost left her there, which would have been bad. Thank goodness he didn't.

…

As they approach headquarters, Ghirahim attempts to make himself presentable. "Ugh, I'm still flustered from that battle."

As if instinct, Zelda straightens Ghirahim's cape and parts his hair just so, making sure there are no stray strands. All Ghirahim can respond with is a weak "thank you".

In the dining room, Zant shines the new oak wood table. Ghirahim and Zelda walk into the dining room and gaze upon Zant's handiwork. Zelda nods in approval as she says, "Very nice."

Ghirahim chuckles and crosses his arms. "I know you couldn't have done this alone. It is too nice," he taunts.

"With the right guidance, anyone can make anything beautiful," Zant retorts. "In this case, Lord Ganondorf's guidance."

As if scripted, Ganondorf comes up behind Ghirahim and clears his throat. Ghirahim whips around and salutes his master, as a solider would to his general. Zelda is amused. She watches as Zant takes this opportunity to use his saliva as a polish for the table. Ganondorf is only half-listening to Ghirahim's report, as he is distracted absorbing Zelda's behavior. She had walked over to Zant, bumped him over with her hip, and started correctly polishing the table. After making a small section of the table spotless, she sassily waves the rag at Zant and says, "That's how it's done. If you're going to do something, do it right." She manages to toss it up and get the rag stuck on the top of Zant's helmet, but Zant as no trouble reaching it. This gives Ganondorf an idea.

…

A week later, Zelda has become accustom to the antics of Ghirahim and Zant. Unlike any warrior before her, she has really discovered how Ganondorf and his top minions live. She wonders if Cia lives the same way; that would explain a lot of things.

Ganondorf's top minions have also becomes accustom to Zelda's presence. The past week, Ganondorf has given Zelda more to do around headquarters, and she doesn't mind it so much. It beats sitting in a quiet room all day. While she's cleaning, she can listen to quarrels between the demon lord and the twilight king. Recently, they have started asking her for favors.

"Princess, I honestly don't know what to have for lunch. You wouldn't… make something, would you?"

"Miss Zelda, I think my robes are on backwards."

"Oh Zelda, there you are. I seem to have ripped my right glove. If you will, sew that up for me… p-please."

"Help! I can't find my scimitars! That, and I'm tangled in my own bedsheets!"

Zelda actually finds pleasure in feeling needed and wanted, so she doesn't mind helping these guys out. It didn't take long for her to realize that they were changing because of her presence.

A week and two days after her arrival, Zelda is vacuuming around headquarters. Zant and Ghirahim make sure to take off their shoes before stepping on the clean carpet. "Hey, Zelda, are you busy?" Zant calls.

Zelda turns off the vacuum. She says, "I can be of assistance after I finish up here."

Ghirahim says, "We overheard Ganondorf ask the other day if your room was to your liking, and that you said you finished your book. How was it, if I may ask?"

Zelda nods. "It was a very good book. I am ready for something new to read, though. Thank you for asking."

Before Zelda turns the vacuum back on, Zant takes out a book from behind Ghirahim's back and says, "Perhaps you could read this. We recently ran into Volga, who recommended this one for suckers."

Ghirahim quickly recovers by saying, "What he means by that is it's a lighthearted tale."

"I should really stop quoting people," Zant mumbles to himself.

Zelda walks to the men and takes the book, examining the front page. She smiles, looking up at the men. "I think I will enjoy this book. Thank you." She then sits on the couch with the book. There is a crunching sound, causing Zant and Ghirahim to cringe. Zelda bravely reaches into the crevasses of the couch, pulling out an old, toasted sub sandwich. The cheese on it is definitely moldy.

"Oh. I thought I ate that," Zant thinks aloud. Ghirahim facepalms. Zelda's only response is "sick". She disposes of the sandwich before returning to the couch and opening the book to the first page. After a moment, she looks at Ghirahim and Zant, who are still there, seemingly staring off into space.

Zelda sighs with a smile. "I'll read it to you."

"Only if you insist," Ghirahim suavely replies.

Zant jumps for joy, "Yay! Storytime!"

"What are you, five? Act your age, man," Ghirahim scolds. Zant gets a very hurt expression. Zelda finds this funny, chuckling to herself. She waits to start reading until Zant finds a comfy position on the floor. Ghirahim sits by Zelda on the couch, reading along for himself.

Luckily, they heard Ganondorf coming in and returned to work before he saw them having story time.

…

Finally, after two weeks of preparation, Ganondorf is ready to storm Hyrule Castle, where, according to Ghirahim's report, all of the hero's fellow warriors are gathered. To Ganondorf's disappointment, there are no defenses set up outside of the castle.

"Gasp! Look!" Zant exclaims as he sees Midna peeking down at them through a window on the second floor of the castle. She flees the window, closing the blinds. Ganondorf demands Zelda to go in first, as to lure everyone out. She does as told, as she has been for the past sixteen days.

The foyer of the castle is deserted, to Zelda's dismay. Further disappointing her is the puddles of blood and trash scattered across the floor. Soon there will be a roach infestation. Then it hits Zelda like a race car hits a cow; in her absence, the kingdom has been missing the glue that has kept it in order. Whereas Ganondorf's broken household has been patched up with her presence, the family of Hyrule has quarreled.

The princess can no longer play prisoner. She has to pull together her people. Breaking the metaphorical leash, Zelda disappears farther into the castle against Ganondorf's wishes. Ganondorf responds by sending his minions in after their captive. "She is still our hostage! Get her!"

Zant is the first to charge after Zelda. "Don't leave us!" he squeals. ...Ganondorf is starting to see the drawbacks of letting the princess so freely interact with his minions. Ghirahim follows Zant into the castle. Upon entering the foyer, Ghirahim hears Zant yell "there", pointing at Zelda at the top of the stairs.

Ghirahim teleports into Zelda's path, stopping her in her tracks. "I'm sorry, but I cannot allow you to-," He is cut off when a frying pan whacks the back of his head with a 'gong'. He collapses, out cold. The wielder of the pan, Midna, still holds the pan high in defense. She has the crazed look of someone in an asylum.

Gently, Zelda reaches her hand out to Midna, hoping that she won't appear as hostile. She quickly retracts her hand when Midna responds by yelling, "It's kill or be killed!" Zelda watches in a scared daze as Midna retreats into the hallway, entering the farthest room on the right, reminiscent of the way Gollum moves.

With that out of the way, Zelda tends to unconscious Ghirahim. Though she hasn't had so much as CPR training, her instincts tell her to sit Ghirahim up against the wall and make sure his head is supported so it doesn't limply fall over and drag the rest of his body with it. As she tries to find some sort of neck brace, Ghirahim's head falls forward, and as Zelda feared, his limp body follows his head. He is decently flexible, even in unconsciousness, as his nose touches his knees.

She starts walking backwards into the hallway, watching Ghirahim. Lana's voice says, "Princess Zelda, help!" Zelda whips around and yells, "I'm coming, Lana!" She yells this straight into Ganondorf's chest. Once, she recognizes this, she steps back, terror spread across her face. She looks over her shoulder, seeing Zant caress Ghirahim's limp body in his arms. She can't walk very fast away from the great Ganondorf.

Before Ganondorf can take hold of the princess's neck, Midna comes up out of nowhere and bites Ganondorf's exposed calf. Ganondorf stumbles back in pain before kicking that leg and flinging Midna into the wall. Darunia and Ruto exit from the nearest room, Darunia using Ruto as ammunition at Ganondorf. All Ganondorf can see is fish scales.

Zelda manages to run past Darunia, but she has to slow down and look back at him, distracted by the fact that he managed to fit himself in one of her dresses. Zant would chase after her if he wasn't being flogged by insane Impa, Lana, and Fi.

Her instinct tells her to escape into the room Midna fled to earlier. This sends Zelda plummeting into the castle gardens from the second story of the castle. Why there is no wall there is beyond her knowledge; there was a wall there stopping anyone from falling into the gardens two weeks ago. But that is beside the point. When Zelda recovers from the fall into the surprisingly healthy hedge, she stumbles to the central fountain. The fountain is dried, but in this case, that is a good thing. Link's pale body haplessly lies in the dry fountain, with Agitha looming over him. She seems to be performing magic remedies on him to no avail. The princess of Hyrule rushes to the hero, begging him to wake up and help.

The sound of Zelda's voice breathes life into the hero, and he opens his eyes. Agitha watches in awe as color returns to Link's skin. Suddenly full of energy, Link hops up and rushes to defend the castle from Ganondorf and co. For once in a long time, Zelda simply does nothing as someone else takes responsibility for what needs to be done. She can't help but watch Ganondorf's minions as they follow their fallen leader back to their headquarters. She wonders how they will fare without her daily presence. This thought is followed by how the miraculously survived before her.

With the princess returned, sanity fills the minds of the hero's fellow warriors, as well as the rest of the kingdom. Peace and harmony is restored to the kingdom broken without its princess.

…

Meanwhile, Zant has to shine his shoes himself. It took him a while to realize and accept that Zelda is no longer there to do it for him. On the opposite side of the room, Ghirahim reads that book Zelda left behind and never finished. A shadow blocks his reading light, and he looks at the source of the shadow, Zant. Zant asks, "Could you read that to me?"

Ghirahim considers this.

"No."

Author's Notes- Yes, it has been a while, and I am dreadfully sorry. But to make up for that, I made sure this chapter was well put together, unlike Hyrule in Zelda's absence. I still plan to do the Q&amp;A, so no worries. Just because I need somewhere to start for the next chapter, which warrior or warriors should I write the next chapter about? I've been trying to stick with the warriors you can play without any DLCs added. Anyways, if you have any suggestions for the next chapter, please let me know. Maybe, with something to think about, I can type up the next chapter faster.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27- Murky Lake

The beginning of spring, and the hottest week since the first week of last August, some of the warriors are wondering how they'll survive.

That's when Zelda sees Ruto enjoying herself in the cool waters of Lake Hylia. "Impa, we're taking the day off. Get your bathing suit."

…

It doesn't take long for all of Zelda's allies to join her at the lake on a day like today. Ruto isn't terribly excited for her lake to be crowded with her fellow warriors, but she can't blame them for wanting to stay cool. She did enjoy watching Link strip down to his swimming trunks.

A lightbulb lights up in Agitha's head. She turns to Darunia. "Darunia! Do a cannonball into the lake so we all get splashed."

"I was hoping not to get my hair all wet, Agitha," explains Lana, attempting to hide her hair as a safety precaution.

Darunia steps back, shaking his head. "You wouldn't want me to do that. You'll feel so much cooler faster if you jump in."

"Dude, if you're worried about getting bit by something, you're more likely to get gnawed on standing up here than in the water," Midna points out with a devious smirk on her face. Fi takes a moment to see if Midna is right. In all honesty, Fi doesn't know.

Darunia comments on how he's more afraid of getting bit by Midna than anything else. Midna can and _will_ bite you if you're not careful. Wizzro learned that one the hard way, but Volga found it funny. They have since agreed never to speak of it.

Fi has concluded that Midna is right about Darunia being more at risk of getting bitten on the surface than in the water. She concluded this after Darunia's comment about Midna biting people.

Zelda gets in the lake; she could feel the sun starting to scorch her skin. Not long after, her fellow warriors join her. Midna provided a cannonball while Darunia found a nice rock to lay on beside the lake. Fi joins him, as there is no reason for her to get wet; she cannot suffer from heat stroke or anything even remotely related.

No, like, Midna provided an actual cannonball. She found herself on Tetra's pirate ship one evening and took a cannonball from Gonzo as he was about to load a cannon. Tetra and two of her shorter buccaneers then proceeded to chase Midna until Midna hurled herself onto Ganondorf's ship. Yeah, the day Ganondorf constructed a ship and took to the seas was a strange day. Back to the present day, Midna's cannonball sank to the bottom of the lake, and Ruto isn't strong enough to carry it back to the surface, so Midna can kiss that prize goodbye.

Once Lana got her hair wet, she started splashing around like her usual energetic self. "Hey, who wants to play chicken?" she asks as she takes it upon herself to get on Link's shoulders. Zelda accepts Lana's challenge. She pushes Impa off of her floaty, waits until Impa's head reaches the surface, and then proceeds to get onto Impa's shoulders.

Midna, Agitha, and Ruto watch from the sidelines as Lana and Zelda duel it out on Link and Impa's shoulders. Zelda is victorious, but only because in Lana's excitement she accidentally kicks Link's ribcage with her heel, and Link tumbles under the surface of the water.

"I can do better than that. Midna, get on my shoulders!" Ruto commands. Midna obliges. Ruto much prefers Midna on her shoulders to Darunia. Last time Darunia got on her shoulders, a hospital visit was required, and not for who you think would need medical assistance.

Impa and Zelda vs Ruto and Midna, oh it's on! Despite Midna's smaller stature, her strength is almost evenly matched with Zelda's. Below, Ruto's strength in the water greatly overpowers Impa's. Zelda refuses to give in.

"What am I doing wasting my breath?" Midna asks nobody in particular. Her full strength shows when she simply flicks Zelda with her monstrous hair hand, and Zelda is flung off of Impa's shoulders.

Agitha spots cheating and calls it out; "Hey, that's not fair! You practically used a weapon."

"What are you, the referee? Shut it," Midna spits back. Agitha takes the hint and says no more, before she gets bit.

Link takes this opportunity to declare a water duel. He gets his sword from his things on shore and returns to the lake armed. His fellow warriors follow his example.

"There is a one-hundred and ten percent chance that someone is going to get hurt," Fi concludes. Darunia has been ignoring her up until now. He sits up for two reasons. The first reason is so he can watch the water brawl, and the second reason is to turn around and lay on his stomach. He accepted his painful fate of returning home sunburned a long time ago.

Fi's prediction was extremely accurate, as Zelda received a blow to the head by Lana's weapon. Ruto makes a pretty good lifeguard, as she was able to get Zelda out of the water much quicker than any human could. Link was suddenly very cold after that and decided he was done for the day. The girls were very disappointed.

…

Link and company didn't even start the party. The real party is starting now, after the sun has set. The oasis in Gerudo Desert dried up before noon. Ganondorf knew better than to go to Lake Hylia on a day like this. He endured the complaints of his minions all day, knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

"I'm not crazy, gentlemen. I'm patient," Ganondorf explains, but his minions are not listening. Zant and Ghirahim have already started stripping off their clothes in preparation for the refreshing lake water. Ganondorf is not surprised that they strip completely with the exception of Zant's helmet.

It is the cover of night, so Ganondorf takes the liberty of losing all of his sweaty clothes as well. His minions had the right idea; spending a day in the sweltering desert is sure to make your clothes start to chafe.

"Oh Zant, I brought a pool toy for us," Ghirahim says as he materializes a plastic disk. He doesn't intend to play nice with it.

Before Zant can react, his helmet is hit with a plastic disk thrown at full force. Zant would retaliate, but he stepped on something soft, and he isn't about to ignore it blissfully. "I would love to play a game of 'take off your head', but I'm more concerned with what's under us."

"This is a lake. You're not going to find a jellyfish," Ganondorf explains with no sympathy. "Man up and take off Ghirahim's head."

Cia had the same idea to wait for the cover of darkness to enjoy a refreshing swim. Neither she nor her minions expected Ganondorf to have the same idea.

Wizzro finds three piles of clothes out in the open. "Heh, they must have melted before getting to the lake," he chuckles to himself.

Volga sees the piles of clothing, underwear and all. Before Cia gets in the lake, he calls, "Cia, perhaps that's not the best idea!"

Cia put on her new bathing suit and everything; why would she not go swimming? She has to see the piles of clothes for herself before deciding not to get in.

Zant comments, "Yeah, men only please."

"That's rude, Zant. You're excluding Wizzro," Ghirahim teases, getting a laugh from his fellow minion and master. Oh, they want to play that way, do they? Well then, Wizzro will get the last laugh somehow. He decides to stick around instead of leaving with his mistress and co-minion.

Remember that soft thing Zant stepped on earlier? Yeah, Zant was right to be concerned about it. Much to Ghirahim's surprise and Wizzro's amusement, Ruto peeks up onto the surface of the water. "Hey, what are you guys doing here?!"

Zant's squeal is similar to Agitha's.

"Well," Ghirahim stutters, unsure if sinking under the water will help keep him covered. "What are you doing here?"

"What am _I _doing here?! I live here!" screams a furious Ruto.

Ganondorf calmly walks to the Zora princess, tall enough to stand in the lake and his chest still be mostly above the surface. "Yes, we understand that. We will be out of your hair shortly." He turns to his minions, "Come along, men. We are invading Ruto's personal space."

Zant keeps a close eye on the princess, and a good thing, too, because she isn't letting her eye off of them either. Zant informs, "Lord Ganondorf, uh, she isn't leaving." Ganondorf stops before his waist comes above the water.

No problem. Easy solution. "Wizzro," Ganondorf calls. "Be a good little ring and hand us our towels."

"Wait, you mean those towels I just used as material to burn for my fire?" asks the wizard, warming his hands over the fire he started making as soon as he saw Ruto. Sure enough, Ganondorf can see his towels just now starting to burn in Wizzro's fire.

Now Zant is mad. "He's sabotaging us!" Yeah, no duh.

Ruto suggests they just put their clothes back on, considering when they go home they are just going to take them off again anyways.

"If we are just going to take them off again, wouldn't it be counterproductive to put them back on?" Ghirahim assesses.

Wizzro picks up the heavy robes and armor lying around. He says, "You make a good point, Ghirahim. I guess you won't need these." He carries the articles of clothing over to his fire. He tauntingly just stands there looking at Ganondorf's minions.

Ghirahim gives Wizzro the ugliest glare he can muster. With a menacing growl, he says, "You wouldn't dare."

Then Ruto realizes what's going on. She gasps. "Oh great Hylia! I'm so glad I only looked at your feet!" She turns her attention to Wizzro. "No! Don't do it! They need those!"

"Yeah," Wizzro evaluates. "I'm going to need a hotter fire to melt Ganondorf's armor."

The next thing Ghirahim yells is not appropriate to record.

Zant is splashed with water when Ghirahim's fists hit the water. Like getting hit by a car, a brilliant idea hits Zant. He turns to Ruto. "Ruto, we could your talents real quick."

Volga enters through a portal Wizzro just created. The portal closes, as its job is complete. "There you are. Do me a favor and super heat this fire," Wizzro commands.

"What do I look like, a pizza oven?" Pizza actually sounds pretty good to Wizzro right now, so he's glad Volga suggested it.

Before he knows it, Wizzro is swept up in a wave of water, along with his fire and Volga. The ground is muddy and unpleasant to be lying in right now, which both of Cia's minions are.

"It's rude to trespass." That was Ruto's cool one-liner for today. Yeah, it could have been better, but she's not as witty as Darunia.

Ganondorf and his minions celebrate their victory after they descend a little ways into the lake to keep their waists underwater. Ruto went a little overkill with her wave, but they aren't complaining.

Volga sighs as he watches Wizzro head for the floodgates. He's a stubborn, one-eyed wizard.

"Now let's get out of here," Ganondorf suggests, making that victory short-lived. "Our clothes, Volga."

Ruto turns around. "I'll just turn around, you guys."

The ground starts to shake, preventing Volga from standing. For that matter, Zant falls farther into the water. Ruto rushes to the floodgates, which are opening. She swims against the current. The lake drains, revealing the water temple hidden underneath the surface of the water. Ruto has taken it upon herself to be the temple's watcher, and she has made herself comfortable there.

The floodgate reaches its limit and locks itself, opened. Wizzro rests; that lever was heavy. He is satisfied hearing the cries of Ganondorf's panicked minions.

"I won't look at you guys. Trust me, I wouldn't want to," Ruto calls to the villains. Ugh, she's defeating the purpose of Wizzro's hard work. Wizzro gets up and rushes to the scene.

Volga still has yet to get up off the cold, muddy ground. And to think less than ten minutes ago he was at base enjoying a relaxing evening. Wizzro slows down, seeing that Zant can't climb the slick slope out of the lake.

A piece of grass starts to tickle Volga's nose. He sets up for a sneeze. Wizzro rushes into action, seeing the perfect opportunity. He grabs a random article of clothing lying in the mud and places it under Volga. The wizard steps back. Volga sneezes, a burst of flames exiting his nasal cavity. The article of clothing, though soaked, burns like dry hay. Volga moves back before the flames lick his nose and make him sneeze again. Wizzro claps for joy, his mission a success.

"Wizzro!" screams Ruto, seeing his dastardly deed. Hastily, Wizzro grabs the rest of the clothes and armor he sees lying around. In his frantic rush, he almost pulls off his own robes to toss in the fire. Volga, without thinking, uses the fire to warm his hands.

The dragon knight has seen it all when Ganondorf and his two minions rush to the fire only to be filled with disappointment. It would be fine if they weren't naked, but alas, they are, and it is their clothes which fuel the fire.

Uncharacteristically, it is Ghirahim that turns to anger first. He grabs Wizzro by the collar and yells, "That was my good cape, you fiend!" Wizzro finds this outrageously funny and starts laughing uncontrollably.

Ganondorf starts the long, chilly trek back to headquarters. Zant trudges after his master, hoping nobody they know is awake at this hour. Lucky for them, they don't notice the dark sorceress walk past them. She quickly diverts her eyes from them to her clothed minions.

She can't help but stare at the demon lord's bare backside. Finally, Wizzro is able to catch his breath and stop laughing. Ghirahim promises to get his revenge before teleporting back to base. He too pays no mind to the sorceress, and she got quite the view tonight.

Cia looks at the minion responsible for what she saw. "You're a sick, twisted wizard, you know that?" She wouldn't have him any other way.

Author's Notes- Sorry about that. I know, I went there, and that's why this fanfic has been rated T from the start. I knew something like this would happen. I just wanted to comment on Medli forever's review- Nyeh heh heh! Yes, you found it! You found the reference! I'll stop there before I get carried away. I was recently introduced to that series, and I love it. I'll always be a Nintendo fan at heart, though. And to answer your question about Hyrule Warriors Legends, I'll ask Zelda to explain what's going to happen about that at the next meeting. That, the Q&amp;A, and the current poll results will be discussed. I'm super excited for Legends. As of when this chapter is posted, Legends will be released... tomorrow. Oh joy! Tetra, you're just in time.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28- Personal Rivalries

This shouldn't surprise anybody, but our heroes are in the heat of battle. Impa needed an army ASAP, so she rounded up whomever she could find, which at the time was Midna, Fi, and much to her dismay, Tingle. Midna was training the wolf pups when Impa appeared to her in urgent distress. The pups- Snowy, Sparkle, Savage, and Rusl- had Tingle in a tight spot before Impa interrupted the fun. Then again, Zant is the threat, so Midna isn't terribly upset about lost time.

Fi rushes across the battlefield, headed to a vital keep. Somehow Midna beat her to it… but also somehow… Midna has turned sides, and Fi just left Impa's side defending the allied base from Midna… wait, what? Fi gets Midna's attention. "There is a 99% chance that you are simultaneously at the allied base fighting Impa… though that is impossible… I'm confused."

Midna is just about as confused at Fi. Unless Zant has tapped into some crazy personality-splitting magic and made a duplicate of her, it isn't possible for her to be in two places at once. She demands, "Protect this keep. I'll check things out."

Surely enough, Impa is defending herself from a discolored, cursed Twilight Princess. Upon approaching the keep, Midna couldn't help but notice Zant enjoying himself safely on the outside of the keep. Midna wouldn't be offended by this, except Tingle is laughing with him.

Nothing is funny anymore when Midna mercilessly smashes the doppelganger into the ground. Dark magic radiates off the clone. Midna should have guessed it was him.

"I knew that wasn't Midna!" expresses Fi. That killed the moment, utterly decimated it, in fact. Tingle still thinks something is funny, though.

Midna moves back. She isn't completely heartless; she'll give the wizard a chance to explain himself. Wizzro manages to regain the feeling in his hands and finds the strength to hover just above the ground like usual. He ceases to mimic Midna's image.

"How much is Zant offering you to do this? Because you're not getting any of that prize; he's scamming you," the cursed one bluntly states.

Wizzro laughs. He comes back with, "The promise of a good time was enough to sell it to me." Midna doesn't know whether to be utterly disgusted or fuming with rage. Perhaps a little bit of both. He's just asking for a war with her, and she really doesn't feel like dealing with this guy on a regular basis.

Much to everyone's surprise, Midna turns to Zant and gives an inappropriate gesture to show just how much she hates him right now, which is more than usual.

"Gasp!" Yes, Wizzro literally says the word aloud instead of doing it. "That was incredibly rude for a princess. I love it."

"Spare me the stench of your words and your breath," Midna chastises. The battle continues on, but Midna and Wizzro have engaged in a separate war of the words. The entire verbal skirmish is rather lengthy, so the following are just a few honorable rebuttals.

Wizzro: "… I once had a dream that Lana learned to drive and ran you over. I woke up with an ache in my side. Volga said he woke up to the sound of me laughing in my sleep."

Midna: "Cia told me she wishes to return you from the warehouse you came from. Tell me, rag, where were you manufactured?" Wizzro: "The rainbow factory." Midna follows up with a vulgar word. Insert twilight realm profanity here_

Midna: "I feel sorry for you." Wizzro: "Why?" Midna: "The only difference between you and Link is a hot body. It must be painful knowing that, and that's why I pity you." Wizzro follows up with unintelligible blabber, perhaps an ancient language long forgotten. Midna: "Hold that thought while I go apologize to Link for comparing him to you."

This banter would have probably gone on forever if Impa and Zant hadn't interrupted them with the news that Zant faced crushing defeat. Midna guffaws in both the traitor's face and the wizard's face, once for each of them. Impa comments that Midna hardly helped secure that win, and Wizzro returns that guffaw to Midna.

The rivals patiently wait until their fellow warriors are out of range. Wizzro then turns to Midna. "This isn't over."

"Not by a long shot." Thus a strong rivalry was born.

…

On Agitha's birthday, Cia decided to pay the insect girl a visit. Agitha invited Zelda, Lana, Impa, and Link to her celebratory tea party. She did not invite Cia or her dirty minions! Agitha's rage instigates a battle, three on five. Proxi makes herself scarce, aiming to make the battle even more unfair.

Meanwhile, in the mountains, Darunia is accompanied by an annoying princess. "You and me, arm wrestle sometime. Of course, I'll be using my hair, if that's not unfair." What? You thought I was talking about Princess Ruto?

Darunia shakes his head. "Just pure arm muscle. I'll go easy on you, since it would be bad if I broke your arm." Midna chuckles, sitting herself on Darunia's buff shoulder. He's not quite as comfortable as Link, but whatever. In fact, this guy is as comfortable as a wooden bed, but Midna's doesn't plan to stay long in this position.

"Hey! Muscle man and fire wig!" calls the unmistakable Proxi.

Midna calls back, "Hey winged megaphone!" Darunia winces as Midna hollers right next to his ear. He will give her credit, though; she's loud enough to be a brother.

Darunia calmly inquires the approaching messenger, "Something's going on with brother Link?"

"Well, it is Agitha's birthday-," and Darunia is instantly done with this conversation. Proxi yells, "Wait! That's not the emergency!"

Midna laughs before stating, "No, I'm pretty sure Agitha's birthday is a crisis in itself." If Proxi was dynamite, her fuse would have been lit by now. "Cia and her minions have attacked Agitha, on her birthday!" bellows the frustrated fairy companion.

Darunia is still done with this conversation. He confirms that Cia is now a brother and takes his leave; so much for having muscles in this fight. Midna doesn't follow the chieftain. "Rude, on so many levels. I'll take care of this."

Returning to the base of the mountain where the air isn't as thin, the trio has split up to handle the horde of opponents they engaged in battle.

Volga is experiencing some tactical difficulties. He calls on his mistress: "Cia, Wizzro has turned!"

Cia is slightly confused. She asks, "Turned? Like… he's on drugs? What are you implying?"

"I don't know what he did with Lana, but Impa received the upper hand on me when Wizzro joined her cause. He's a traitor!"

Cia is outraged. "Wizzro!"

The real Wizzro has Lana pinned down. He shouts, "I'm a little busy over here!"

"Set aside your petty feud with Volga and focus on the task at hand!" Cia commands. This only confuses the wizard. Yes, he has a small feud currently raging with Volga, but that's between him and the dragon knight. He wouldn't take his rage against Volga to the battlefield, not like this at least.

Everything becomes clear when an exact duplicate of him enters the keep with Impa close behind. He groans in pure annoyance and says, "You went there."

The imposter responds with a devilish smirk and the response, "Oh yeah, I went there." She reveals herself. Impa is relieved. "It's Princess Midna! We have a secure ally in this fight!"

"Yay! Miss Kitty!" Agitha has never been more excited to hear news of Midna. Wizzro has never been more irritated at news of Midna.

Then Impa remembers what happened last time Midna and Wizzro were caught in the same keep. To prevent a repeat of that, she quickly instigates a physical battle, and lucky for her, this succeeds. The rivals start dealing physical damage to one another.

She soon comes face-to-face with the fact that Midna and Wizzro are pretty evenly matched… and that neither of them is willing to wave the white flag. They are tussling long after the main fight is over and into the night. Eventually Agitha got to resume her tea party. She was actually kind of thrilled that Volga was gentlemanly enough to join.

…

Insert Cia having a meltdown here_

"Mistress Cia!" Volga calls over Cia cursing at the top of her lungs. She shuts up long enough for Volga to say, "We've found evidence that Zant is the thief."

Cia hisses through clenched teeth, "What possible evidence could you have to confirm that?!"

Wizzro nonchalantly holds up a note. "A crudely written note from Zant claiming he took it. What more do you want?"

Cia is instantly cool like igneous rock. Then she smirks. "Fingerprints." Like detectives, Wizzro and Volga start dusting for fingerprints.

Wizzro stops what he is doing thirty minutes in. He bellows, "This is stupid!" Upon throwing his utensils to the floor, his duster rebounds into Volga's face.

Cia gets a laugh out of this and declares that before anything else they are going to take back what is rightfully theirs. "But we'll do this tactfully."

"Finally!" This is a change Volga has long waited for.

Wizzro senses a crafty glint in Cia's eye. He instantly has a bad feeling. Cia starts to leave. As she does, she turns back, claiming she'll be back in no time. "Don't follow me." Wizzro's stomach starts to turn. He has a feeling that he knows exactly what Cia is doing.

He disobeys his mistress.

He is too late. "Deal," and Midna shakes Cia's hand. Wizzro curses under his breath. This is going to be the longest battle ever. "Curse you, Zant!" He said this aloud, attracting the attention of both females.

Midna looks at Cia. "Yeah, and curse Zant, too. Only then will I help you."

Cia chuckles before reminding, "You've already agreed to my terms. Our deal is set." Midna mutters in annoyance too quietly for anyone to hear. It should be noted that Cia is not an idiot; she orders that the rivals set aside their personal skirmishes until after they have bested Zant, or there will be "heavy consequences". Midna isn't quite sure what Cia means by that, but she isn't taking any chances.

…

Zant has fortified the Twilight Palace with the foresight that Cia would chase him down for her prize. He also figured that Cia would attempt some sort of strategical advantage, though he didn't think it would be Midna. No matter, though, as the Twili imp will be too occupied with a certain wizard to do anything productive. That automatically kills two birds with one stone. Thank you Cia for your stupidity. Zant is tempted to get out the victory champagne now, but he controls himself. After all, it will taste so much better after he successfully drives Cia's forces away with his rightfully stolen relic safe in his clutches.

If he loses? Ghirahim can have it. It will be funny to watch Ghirahim try to get the bottle open without spraying champagne everywhere.

Outside the palace, Cia summons legions of monsters. Her three commanders wait patiently for her call. Volga uses this idle time wisely, conceiving a strategy based on tidbits of information Midna is willing to share.

Cia hears a final-chance-to-surrender call from Zant. She returns it with suave. Midna imagines a vivid reaction from Zant, and gets a kick out of it. Wizzro pulls her from her fantasies. "What did Cia promise you for this?"

"Pardon?" replies Midna, seemingly uninterested in the subject.

"You heard me," Wizzro menacingly snarls. "What was your deal with Cia?"

Midna smirks. She whispers, "We win, Cia loses one minion, and I gain one." Volga overheard this. If what Midna said was true, winning this battle means freedom, whether that is from Cia or Wizzro, Volga doesn't care. He makes a mental note to thank Midna later.

Now Wizzro has a tough choice to make. Does he faithfully serve Cia at the risk of winning the battle and becoming Midna's slave (not that he would listen to her anyways), or does he sabotage the mission at risk of getting found out by Cia, heaven forbid what she'd do to him.

Women are cruel in this day and age.

Let the battle begin! Someone hit the gong! …Wait for it…. BWWWOOONG. There it is.

Cia's forces are split three ways, hoping to corner Zant right in the middle. And Cia's most important command: "Don't let _anything_ happen to my relic!" Volga decided to block the middle passage, just so Zant would get squished by Midna and Wizzro coming in from the sides.

Zant attempts escape through Volga's route, just as Cia predicted. However, both Cia and Volga are horrified to learn that this Zant is a magical double. When Volga incinerates it, Cia immediately sense the presence of the real Twilight King at the fairy fountain. The dark sorceress immediately changes her course to the fairy fountain, ready to take down that tricky Twili herself.

Meanwhile, Wizzro is ready to crush any Twili with the large twilight door he severed from the castle. To be honest, he doesn't really care what Twili he crushes, so long as he gets to use this rock slab of a door for something.

Midna fought her way into the throne room, but her effort was in vain. Just an angry moblin was there. Midna entertained herself with the thought of Zant having the body figure of a moblin as she pummeled all monsters in that room. She decides to come out the other end of the palace. …After thinking about that sentence, that sounded really wrong, but Midna doesn't care. She has said and thought some pretty undiplomatic things for a princess.

There is a door that looks particularly odd to Midna. "That's funny. I didn't think those doors could be unhinged from the palace." Those were Midna's last words as that very same door smashes her under its weight.

Wizzro shrugs. "Oops." That was actually really satisfying, like a mug of hot chocolate after shoveling snow for several hours. His satisfactory feeling is crushed when the full power of the complete Fused Shadows gives Midna the ability to effortlessly hurl the door.

The twilight king screams bloody murder when the roof of the fairy fountain is taken clean off by an airborne palace door. Zant surrenders out of sheer terror, though Cia, too, likely would have surrendered of the same reason. Her skin looks like she hasn't seen the sun since she was born, and her heart may have stopped beating altogether. The Great Fairy is very displeased with the destruction of the fairy fountain.

The dragon knight and his comrade exchange dazed glances. They don't notice Midna return to her impish form and collapse of exhaustion. Volga returns from his trance before Wizzro does. Like the gentleman he is, Volga lifts the princess into his arms and carries her off the battlefield. He also collects a shaky Cia, though unlike Midna, he just gently leads Cia away.

…

Cia honors her deal. The curse is lifted, and Cia's minions get a glance at Midna's true form for the first time.

Wizzro is raged and confused. "Wait, this was the agreement?!"

Midna rolls her eyes. She explains, "I was messing with you, hoping you'd do something stupid like attempt sabotage. I didn't expect you to crush me."

"Which was equally as stupid," Volga adds. This is also the first Cia has heard of any of this, and she listens intently.

Midna takes her leave, sashaying out of the Valley of Seers. Wizzro fails to contain his frustration, taking his leave to a place where nobody will get hurt from his rage. This leaves Cia to question Volga what the conniption is about, and Volga gladly dispatches much needed information that Cia missed.

Cia calls her other, less cooperative minion. He shows up, though he isn't happy about it. Cia questions, "You seriously thought that after winning I would relieve one of my minions of servitude to me?" Wizzro is stunned silent. Just the fact that Cia said that in such a playful way is silencing.

Wizzro's mistress sighs, shaking her head. "You guys have no faith in me." She allows a moment to let a strange wave of realization and emotion to wash over Wizzro. Then Cia smiles, "So I hear Midna has been messing with you."

The Twilight Princess returns to her palace. There are a few monster corpses scattered around, but otherwise it feels like home. Unexpectedly, dark magic makes its way into Midna, and she once again takes her cursed form.

Midna is never making a deal with Cia again.

Author's Notes- To those of you who have patiently waited for my return, thank you very much. I have recently been uninspired, but I thankfully received Hyrule Warriors Legends recently, which has rekindled inspiration in me. I will fulfill my promise to myself to reach chapter 30 of this collection before starting a new collection with the new warriors from Legends involved. Chapter 30 will also be the Q&amp;A, if anyone still has some last-minute questions they would like to ask the warriors. Finally, the wolf pups made their return in this chapter. I would like to thank everyone who suggested name ideas for the final two pups. Savage was suggested by UltimateCCC, and Rusl was suggested by love3509. Hopefully the next chapter will come faster than this one did.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29- Top 4 Warrior Fails

For a long time, Hyrule was plunged into a heated war. And though the war ended a while ago, that didn't stop the villains from summoning monsters, or the heroes from training able-bodied soldiers. The skirmishes have lasted long after the end of the war, which have given us the past couple dozen stories of not-so-legendary moments.

But if all of our warriors are battlefield experts, how could we have been treated to so many funny flops? Sure, most of their misadventures happen on regular mornings on days where conquest is nowhere to be thought of, but surely our warriors must have better luck on the battlefield, even if they lead awkward lives otherwise. Right?

You'd be sorely misguided to think that.

Let us analyze our warriors a little deeper. Impa, Link, and Volga were bred for war. Impa, the head general of the castle guard, has been destined to serve the princess since birth. Her soul was tasked with such a great responsibility. Indeed, this is a ton of weight on her shoulders, but she has come to terms with her destiny and made peace with it, vowing to serve the princess with her life. The Eldin Caves have long been a breeding ground for passionate lovers and warriors, but more so warriors. Volga was no exception to this rule, and with a metaphorical fire consuming his heart, he earned the respect of all dragon kind with not bloodlust, but the desire to better himself. Link felt a calling to be trained as a soldier, and this calling comes from his spirit's desire to be close to Princess Zelda. That, and for once his spirit thought it would be wise to train itself for war with evil, as it had failed to do so with previous incarnations. What does your spirit know about you that you don't?

Three of our warriors possess the specific occupation known as Princess. This title refers to an unmarried female head of their respective people. Though never trained for combat, these girls are entitled to make decisions and sacrifices with the well-being of those that look to them for guidance as top priority. When you are born into the royal family, as Ruto was, this task comes as mandatory for you, and you are constantly being trained for this role the moment of your birth. It was stressed upon Ruto that finding a suitable mate was her biggest concern, but Ruto would not settle for any random prince; no, she desired a true man. Ruto's case is normal, Midna's is not. Similar to an election, Midna was chosen by the people; whether she truly desired this honor or not, she will never say. The Twili race saw a leader in her eyes, but Midna was not designed to be such a high leader. Thus, Midna has struggled to choose courses of action wisely, but perhaps Midna was designed by destiny to be an actress, as she collectively makes political decisions without hint of discomfort or confusion. Lastly, a princess by choice, Zelda's spirit long before her previous incarnation willingly took her position as a ruler amongst generations. The goddess Hylia herself has an influence on Zelda's soul, and this is how it has been for centuries.

Everybody else has a category belonging only to them. Ganondorf is a king, which is more than can be said about Darunia or Zant. Ganondorf's people are generally self-sufficient, so his presence is rarely missed. Also, literally anybody in his kingdom is eligible to be the queen since the Gerudo race is 99% female, Ganondorf-percent male.

Of the remaining male warriors, Darunia is closest to a ruler. The Goron race is pretty chill, and they don't consider themselves a separate domain form Hyrule. Therefore, nobody leads them, or at least, they tried that for a while. When a single ingenious Goron mind realized that their system wasn't working, a leader was appointed. This 'leader', titled Chieftain, is responsible for sustaining the Goron way of life. This responsibility is most famously connected to Chieftain Darunia.

This little girl is very persuasive, so you might actually believe she is a princess. Well, she's not. She's young with a passion for all critters with an exoskeleton and six legs. The insect princess has no royal blood, but does have a royal love for bugs, and her name is Agitha. To be completely honest, she's just a strange, prepubescent kid with the ability to talk to bugs. That's normal, right?

I guess the overarching point is there are not many warriors actually qualified to fight, let alone lead armies. A couple a sorceresses, a couple of swords with real-time talking action, a possessed accessory, and a former servant of the royal family turned power-hungry pretty much sums up everybody else. This is when the majority of the warriors are scratching the backs of their heads and avoiding eye-contact. Midna has even taken the liberty to start whistling her theme song. Ghirahim, don't you dare pretend to be interested in that "strange bird" over there. I know there is no bird there!

Eh-hem, anyways, with the majority of these characters just simply picking up a weapon and charging into the fray haphazardly, battle fails are inevitable. In this chapter we will be paying homage to some of the worst fails performed during battle.

Fail #1

The feeling of desperateness is not uncommon for some of our warriors. As a matter of fact, Cia is no stranger to feeling desperate. No power is unlimited, and when Cia's power reaches its limits, she and her minions start to get nervous.

Perhaps Cia's most memorable moment of desperateness was one particular scuffle held at Hyrule Field, and this was after the war and after her ultimate defeat. You would think Cia's finest moment of struggle was her final battle of the war, but it wasn't.

Picture Volga in the east, Wizzro in the west, and Cia in the south, approaching the castle with overwhelming charisma. This leaves Hylian soldiers in the middle of the battlefield time to rest. One Hylian captain realized the positions of Cia and her generals. She had bravely left her base unguarded. Like a pack of ninjas, that Hylian soldier and his troops made for Cia's base.

It isn't long before Volga receives a distress call: "Volga, we're being ssssieged over here!" cries a raspy lizard monster. The next to hear this news is Wizzro. Volga bellows, "You fool, you left our base wide open?!"

Wizzro is aghast. "What?! I thought Cia told you to stay there, buffoon!" That's when the men realize that Cia ordered neither of them to protect the base. But she will kill them both if the base falls. They waste no time relocating themselves to the base, hacking through enemy forces only in their path as they run.

Cia has Zelda backed into a corner. She cackles like the witch she is before taunting, "It's pitiful when you get cornered in your own base."

"Ack, Cia! We're dying over here!" cries a familiar undead voice. This is followed by a much more manly call: "Mistress, our base will fall without aid!"

Zelda smirks. "It's pitiful when you can't protect your own base." OOHH! Burn! The empowered Hylian princess pushes herself off the wall as Cia charges like a marathon runner into the distance.

Wizzro is impressed by the dark sorceress's speed. The base is showered with magic conjured in an instant. Eventually Zelda's soldiers are forced to make haste, as staying in Cia's base any longer might result in their demise.

With the sorceress exhausted, it is up to Wizzro to create a barrier. He does so, exhausting a huge amount of his personal power in the process. Volga is there to catch Cia before she collapses. There is something about a dragon that breathes life into anyone. Her arms stop trembling, and her heartbeat slows to a safe pace. Her vision is clouded when she stands back up, but this clears with time. With cognizant thoughts being processed, she decides to take a risk and leave both of her minions to watch the base. If they are going to have a chance at winning this battle, this risk has to be taken.

Volga watches his mistress make the long trek back to the enemy base. With what little strength the men have, they attempt to repair the damage done to the base. The repairs they make are about as effective as a Band-Aid on a fractured elbow.

"Oh no," mumbles Volga. His words are barely audible, so Wizzro is vaguely aware of it. The reason for this is a very troubling sight right outside the base. Remember that Hylian captain that stormed Cia's base in the first place? Now he's got fairies. The fairies effortlessly deconstruct Wizzro's barrier, and now the base's only defense is Wizzro and Volga.

No soldier stops Cia from getting back to Zelda. When she finally returns, she asks with a chuckle, "Now, where were we?"

Zelda only smiles. "The battle has been won," she gracefully announces. Zelda is not a sore winner, so she reaches a friendly hand to Cia. Cia doesn't have time to shake hands; she needs to see what went wrong.

Hylian soldiers with spears make the majority of the population in Cia's base. Cia approaches, keeping her eye on the disappointed generals in the middle.

"You two had one job. One. Job."

Fail #2

"Big Brother, we can't get any responses from anybody!" "Their army is double the size of ours!" "We've been left for dead!"

Now that last guy was just being dramatic. Darunia has just heard word that none of his allies have responded to his distress call. Death Mountain is currently preparing for war against a duo of dark power.

Ganondorf doesn't really need Death Mountain, but Zant and Ghirahim are somehow convinced that the mountain has some value. Some Monopoly value, sure. However, as far as strongholds go, Gerudo Desert serves fine. To muse his minions, Ganondorf said they could take Death Mountain, but only if the duo can lead themselves into battle as a team. They were hesitant to try to take an entire mountain without Ganondorf's guidance, but their pride overcame their fears. That's all the backstory needed to understand the situation.

Darunia weighs his options, and surrendering his home is not an option. He picks up his hammer and slings it over his shoulder. "Brothers, if they want a taste of Goron strength, by golly, we'll give it to them."

A particular, little Goron starts to jump. They ask, "And then we feast?"

Darunia looks at the diminutive Goron over his shoulder. He gives a broad smile. "Then we feast on rock sirloin! My treat." This seems to empower the nearby Goron folk. If you ever need to motivate some Gorons, offer them food; perhaps their one weakness. That, and they sink like rocks in water. Not even the Dead Sea could keep a Goron afloat. But I digress.

At their own speed, Darunia's forces make their way to their respective keeps. They are met with gnarly skeleton monsters. Crusty bones crumble under the force of a rock. Zant quickly realizes that skeletons were not the best idea. He borrows some of Ghirahim's beauty to create monsters more suitable to take on the rock people. Draining Ghirahim of his good looks causes a small recede in his hair line and his luscious, baby-soft skin to become slightly less soft. Ghirahim retaliates by draining magic from Zant's cartilage spine to create more monsters. Now both men are suffering.

"There are more monsters than we can handle!" cries a Goron captain on the west side of mountain. Darunia is not pleased. He wonders where Ghirahim and Zant could be pulling all of this magic from.

Remember that tiny Goron from earlier? They're on the battlefield, too. They just kind of wandered out there in search of food, similar to a Cucco. As chieftain, his people come first, so Darunia rushes from the Goron base inside the mountain and into the fray. We'll call the mini Goron by the name of Petite for convenience. Petite is awed by the Goron leader's massive strength and courage. With a clear path back the mountain, Darunia tells Petite to head back and watch the base. Petite would be honored.

Darunia just sprinted halfway down the mountain, so he's exhausted. He decides that he can take a breather. Mere moments ago Zant decided to leave Ghirahim at the base with his mirror, furiously examining his hair for any signs of age. The Twili has quietly stumbled upon Darunia, whom he believed to be leading his troops from a safe place.

He is noticed. "Hey!" bellows a furious Darunia. "Go try and take your own shadowy kingdom!" Darunia and Midna have talked enough for Darunia to know a little about the Twili people. Zant, led by his flighty feet, rushes back to his stronghold before getting pummeled. Darunia deems this cowardly of him.

Unique strategizing has always been Zant's forte. He flags the attention of his image-obsessed coleader. He then proposes this; "We should take advantage of Darunia's limited availability." Ghirahim interprets this differently than Zant intended; with his mind occupied on other things, it was inevitable for this to happen. Zant explains, and Ghirahim is back on track. Just to make sure, "So we're not talking about dating… as in his relationship status?"

Zant is appalled. "No, we're not talking about Darunia's personal life. This is why we can't work together on anything." Yep, Zant's done. He's just done.

Though the Twilight King might be done, the battle is not. Darunia makes his way back to his base at his own pace. He receives an urgent distress call from the opposite side of the battlefield. After adjusting his hammer comfortably on his shoulder, Darunia sprints into action. He arrives just in time to salvage the keep and prevent a few Goron causalities. A Goron Captain gives Darunia a nod and says, "Thanks a bunch, brother. You got here just in time."

There is a call from the opposite side of the battlefield. Darunia responds with an exhausted, "You've got to be kidding me!" Zant's plan is working, and Ghirahim is cooperating nicely.

Darunia is halted on his way to answer the call, both by the enemy base troops and his own physical fatigue. He figures that while he is there he might as well do some damage. Before long, Zant answers his base's call for help. Ghirahim manages to hush up any Goron Captains nearby, and that side falls into Ghirahim's clutches.

Petite has had enough of this fooling around. They send a Bombchu down the middle passage of the mountain. Their little voice isn't quite loud enough to alert their fellow Gorons, so they make their way to an out-of-commission boulder keep and its natural megaphone. "Heads up! I'm sending an explosive present!" This alerts everyone.

"UM... I think we'll just return that present, thank you," is Ghirahim's response. With speed, he takes a path that will lead him around to the middle. Darunia about chases him down, but it's hard to chase someone when there is a Zant on your back.

Ghirahim intercepts the Bombchu halfway to its destination. He hops on top of it, effectively halting its advance. A horde of determined Gorons gather around, reaching for the demon lord. None of their arms are long enough. Ghirahim poses for his groping crowd. But enough fun, he starts to dismantle the Bombchu. Petite, perhaps the most furious Goron of them all, catapults from the east boulder keep to the Bombchu. Next thing you know it, Ghirahim finds his knees being assaulted.

The Bombchu continues its advance with a Goron and a demon lord tussling on top of it, inching ever closer to its target base. It is on its last leg when it tumbles down to the final stretch. Petite manages to pull Ghirahim off the explosive, but Ghirahim takes Petite to the ground with him.

Zant makes a desperate lunge off of Darunia, arching in the air like an Olympic diver. His final blow sets off the bomb. The blast causes a small radius heat wave in Ghirahim and Zant's base, but nothing more. The Gorons' desperate attempt at salvation has failed.

An exhausted Darunia trudges back to his base to find it overrun with dark monsters. Darunia and the Gorons face defeat and surrender. And Petite never got that rock sirloin that was promised.

Fail #3

Same location; very different scenario. It is a quiet evening, and the bottom of the mountain is very much abandoned, save for the four warriors celebrating their separate victories from earlier that same day. This quartet consists of Ruto, Midna, Fi, and the very lonely Darunia. The estrogen is almost overwhelming. Notice the word 'almost'. Thank goodness for Fi's diaphanous, ghastly structure.

They aren't alone, and Fi senses this. She has been distracted, unable to identify with her companions. A sword spirit's life is an alienating one. This one statement might explain a lot about Ghirahim, but that is another boat entirely. Anyways, Fi decides it is crucial to get the attention of her comrades.

"I apologize for interrupting, but I am sensing a large presence nearby," the sword spirit interjects. Darunia stands between two feisty females about to tear each other apart. His hand covers Midna's face completely. Ruto is a slippery one, but Darunia has her waist between his thumb and index finger, so she's not going anywhere. Darunia asks Fi if it's not him she's sensing, and Fi confirms this, adding that she now senses a second monster-like being.

Before Darunia can ask what exactly Fi is sensing, two Manhandlas emerge from the ground, one to the west and one to the east. With eight sets of gnashing teeth, the threat is real. Midna and Ruto forget what they were fighting about.

"Immediate action is recommended," Fi analyzes. "I suggest we focus our energy on one at a time to make quick work of them."

Ruto has a different suggestion. She says, "If we split up, we can take them out in half the time."

"Splitting up is half the man power and double the time," Midna deduces.

"No," the Zora princess defends. "The math clearly states that if we focus on them both at the same time, they should be destroyed at the same time, making it shorter."

Fi hypothesizes that 1-on-4 should theoretically be half the time of 1-on-2, but since there are two Manhandlas, they would have to do 1-on-4 twice. Relatively speaking, whether they do 1-on-2 at the same time or do 1-on-4 twice, the time it takes should be the same. Before she can explain this, however, Darunia declares that they should take the beats down one by one. 1-on-4 it is.

Darunia, Midna, and Fi charge for the Manhandla in the west, as Midna has always hated the direction west. The reason for this, she'll never say. Ruto, as stubborn as she is, decides to take on the Manhandla in the east by herself.

Midna flamboyantly whips out a boomerang from her hammer space, and the trio start to make quick work of Manhandla. Fi gracefully dances Manhandla's health away. Darunia accidentally bashes Midna with his hammer, but is able to assist her while the savage plant is distracted by the pretty colors on Fi.

While disoriented, Midna makes an interesting observation. "Yo, Darunia… you didn't happen to bash Ruto too, did ya?" Her words are a little slurred, but it may just be Darunia's hearing in the heat of battle. But nonetheless, Midna made a point. Where is Ruto?

"Oh no." And with that, Darunia sprints for the opposite side of the battlefield. Like the chieftain feared, Princess Ruto is at Manhandla's mercy. The wild, multi-headed deku baba reaches one of its heads at the inured Zora, only to be met with a war hammer.

With both Manhandlas in distress, it was only a matter of time before they realized there was more than one of them on the battlefield. With monster communication none of the warriors can understand, the Manhandlas start to make their way towards each other, bowling over anyone who gets in their way.

"The Manhandlas have noticed each other and are teaming up as we speak," concludes Fi urgently. With all of their strength, Midna and Darunia attempt to push and pull the Manhandlas back to their respective sides of the battlefield. Their efforts are in vain.

Four warriors, two Manhandlas, and eight ravenous sets of slobbery jaws. Before a new strategy can be formed, the Manhandlas start scurrying around the general area like ants in a panic about their crumbling anthill. Smatterings of acidic saliva are sent airborne, and any warrior unlucky enough for that saliva to land on them is met with an unpleasant burning sensation.

With no eyes present on any of each Manhandla's four heads, colliding with objects is inevitable for the giants. One stray head moving at over 30 miles an hour is enough to send Darunia tumbling backwards.

Surely this rampage can't last long, the warriors think to themselves. This hope quickly fades as the Manhandlas continue to spastically rush in every direction. All the warriors can do is dodge to the side and pray they get a moment's notice before dodging again.

Midna is launched into a keep wall, falling to the ground with a thud. "We can't do anything if they don't stop moving!"

Darunia successfully dodges a Manhandla, only to be hit with an airborne Ruto. She didn't hurt quite as much as one of those gnarly sets of twig-thick fangs. Like a damsel in distress, she rests on her hip on the ground, pushing herself up with her arms. She says, "Even if they calmed down, I'm too tired to do anything about it."

The chieftain is desperate for a way out. He calls to the sword spirit for advice, "Fi, what are our options?!" And Fi replies, "It is unlikely that the Manhandlas will calm down and allow us to retaliate." She is cut off when a Manhandla hits her on the side, pushing her hard enough that she loses her balance and actually touches the ground.

"So what are our options?!" screams Midna.

Fi manages to start levitating again despite exhaustion. "Fleeing would be an appropriate course of action."

"You heard her," announces Darunia. "Let's go!" With that, Ruto is snatched up and rested on a familiar, stony shoulder. The speed and power in which she is jerked knocks the air out of her lungs. The ride is bumpy, but the great beasts become smaller and smaller as the distance from them increases.

Midna gets into the nearest keep and wedges herself in the corner in hopes of protection. She conjures the magic necessary for teleportation, and she is gone. Whimsically weaving her way through obstacles, Fi finds her way between the rock and the hard place, taking her leave. Ruto sees Fi float out of harm's way before allowing herself to rest. When you are as exhausted as she is currently, it doesn't matter how uncomfortable you are.

That is the bulk of the scenario. Sure, a true battle wasn't instigated here, but these four warriors consider it a failure. This strange feeling Fi has… could this be humiliation? Whatever it is, she doesn't like it.

Fail #4

When Hyrule Castle is under siege, it is Impa's duty to protect it with her life. Link, and soldiers of only the highest mark step onto the field of battle for the… 1, 2, 3… let's just say 100th time. That seems reasonable.

Hyrule Castle's assaulter, none other than Lord Ganondorf himself, is not a fool. He knows that Link and Zelda are no pushovers, so bringing pushovers into battle alongside him was not an option. Not long before, his tactical expertise nearly crushed Sorceress Cia. In her moment of defeat, Ganondorf saw use in her; to give her some credit, she is no pushover, either. And her dragon knight, what strength. He must lift weights, or something.

To Ganondorf's knowledge, Cia's ring wraith is having a playdate with Ghirahim and Zant as of right now. He can only imagine the horrors.

In the castle stronghold, Zelda makes herself present. She declares, "I am joining your fight."

Impa turns to her. "I apologize, but I can't let you, princess. If you were to be confronted by one of Ganondorf's generals, and captured…" Impa doesn't want to know even think about what would happen.

Zelda has no fear, which is an admirable trait in the eyes of her people. Link instructs Proxi to keep a close eye on the princess, as just a precautionary measure. With troops in place on both sides, the battle commences.

Moment one of battle, Zelda promises to keep close guard of the allied base, and Impa charges headlong into the heat of battle, ready to cut down immediate threats. To tenderize the competition, Ganondorf sends Cia to counter Impa. Ganondorf and Zelda have the same idea to send their second general on secret recon, so Link and Volga are deployed onto the battlefield to do any damage they can, undetected.

A bold decision is made. Zelda finds herself face-to-face with Cia, much to Impa's dismay and Ganondorf's interest. The Gerudo king prepares for an offense recoil from Link or Impa.

Instead of attacking, Cia is docile. This is Zelda's hint that something is up. Naturally, Hylian soldiers flood into the allied base in an attempt to rescue their princess. They are stunned when Zelda orders them to 'back off'. And yes, she uses those words.

Cia is in distress. "I won't be a pawn to a king who doesn't deserve my respect. The Valley of Seers has been ransacked, and Lana is missing!" This is dreadful news to Zelda. As the princess processes this, Cia turns against her own army in favor of Zelda's. What an event to shift tides!

With one traitorous soldier, who is to say that the other isn't traitorous? Ganondorf calls Volga back. Volga is startled when Ganondorf grabs him by the neckline and blares, "We will see to it that Cia rues her decision to betray me!"

Volga's morals have suddenly been put into question. Who, if anyone, has earned his service? Perhaps this is a question for one of the wisest souls he knows. A wave of heat floods Ganondorf's lungs as the knight in front of him morphs into a dragon before his very eyes. Under the circumstances of battle, one unknowledgeable of Volga would mistake him for the god of the sun, a wondrous beast of incredible power, wisdom, and fire in the sky. Cia is distracted from war at the sight, but as are all soldiers around her, enemy or not. Her instinct sees hope in Volga's unexpected behavior, and she smiles.

_Finally, an intermission! We've been waiting for one for ages!_

Lana, very much safe, is rather enjoying herself, unaware of the battle in progress only a map away. The Eldin Caves become strangely bright. The master has returned.

Volga is greeted home by Lana, Wizzro, Ghirahim wearing Zant's helmet, and Zant wearing Ghirahim's cape. Oookkkaaayyy… nothing unusual here. To further extend his greeting, Lana embraces him in a hug, her arms just long enough to wrap around his waistline with fingers touching. Wizzro finds this display revolting. Zant thinks it's cute, but he'll never tell you that. Ghirahim doesn't have an opinion, but only because he is unaware of what's happening right now. He isn't even facing Volga.

"This is an inappropriate display, Miss Lana," Volga calmly informs. Lana responds appropriately, ceasing to touch Volga.

"Ah!" exclaims the demon lord. "Do what we owe the pleasure of a visit from Volga?" He knew it was Volga by the dragon knight's distinct gruff voice. Zant does Ghirahim a favor by turning him the right way.

Volga is not amused. "I live here." Wizzro chuckles before sarcastically remarking, "What?! No." It is then that Volga remembers what he came for. "This is… going to sound fishy, but I could use your advice, Wizzro."

Wizzro agrees. "Something about that is fishy. Have you been talking with Ruto?"

"I would appreciate it if you took this seriously," grumbles Volga, being pushed to the limit of his temper.

Lana changes the subject with, "Hey, have you seen Cia? She just occurred to me." Volga informs Lana of Ganondorf, Zelda, and Hyrule Castle. She is aghast, and her mature side reveals itself for the first time since her capture. She has been treated so kindly that she forgot she was a prisoner. "Volga," she cries, "You need to take me to the battlefield! I need to help Zelda and Link!"

Volga holds out a hand to the hyper girl. "Patience please," he says, the chill of his body language dropping the temperature by ten degrees. He exerts an overwhelming fatherly presence.

Wizzro's advice to Volga is to stay with Ganondorf, as Cia's betrayal will have only enraged the king. This will only cause him to be reckless, harming everyone. With that said, he needs Volga to stay loyal for even a chance at victory. Otherwise, if Volga were to turn traitorous as well, Ganondorf will be able to use his newfound desire to defeat the traitors to his advantage and completely crush Hyrule Castle. Volga takes this advice to heart. Lana has a first-class ride to Hyrule Castle on the back of a dragon.

The Eldin Caves are once again quiet. Until, of course, Wizzro smirks. "Or is it the other way around, empowering on the first traitor, dangerous on the second traitor? Hmm…Oh well." His laughter resonances throughout the caves.

_Aw, intermission is over._

Much to Zelda's relief, Lana descends onto the battlefield from above, abroad a dragon. Lana hops safely onto the grass, turning to Volga. She smiles.

"This is where we part ways, I'm afraid."

Lana's smile disappears. Volga gives her a nod, saying sincerely, "I wish you luck." With that, Volga makes haste for Ganondorf's base, deciding amongst himself that his side is official. Lana swallows her daze, making Zelda's safety her first priority.

Cia catches glimpse of Volga and his direction. She groans, sending the message, "It looks like we're not getting any more help. It's up to us, now." Her first reply is one she did not expect; a 'roger that' from her other half. A new wave of hope, they just may be able to pull this off.

But alas, the trials only push Zelda's forces beyond their capabilities. Link is outdone by the might of Volga and two other monsters Ganondorf summoned. And to think Impa was on her way to help. Their morale is drowned. One by one, Ganondorf's metaphorical fist crushes them all, and soon, Zelda is at spear point.

This time Impa failed to protect her princess. She knew she should have insisted Zelda stay out of this. "Crap."

…

And there you have it; failed battles at their finest. Perhaps now when you rage your battles you will know how to avoid the situations that led to these loses.

Author's Notes- And the next chapter is the moment you've all been waiting for, the end! Oh yeah, and the Q&amp;A. Which reminds me, last call for questions. Darunia, Ruto, and Midna have not received questions solely for them. Midna doesn't really care, but Darunia is heartbroken. Questions for individual characters and multiple characters are still being taken. Congrats to everyone who has followed these misadventures for so long, and I look forward to future stories.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

In the back room, Sheik looks over the list of new arrivals. She groans. "We've got our work cut out for us."

Agitha joins Sheik, asking, "What do you mean?"

Sheik quickly scoots papers back into their appropriate folder and turns to Agitha. "Agitha, what are you doing back here? You should be sitting with everyone else."

"I'm sorry," the girl murmurs. "I was just wondering where Zelda was."

Sheik sighs through her nose before inquiring, "Is everyone becoming impatient?"

Agitha nods. "Ruto is getting ready to go home."

"Before we even start?"

Agitha nods. Sheik crosses her arms before looking at the folder on the chair in front of her. Agitha walks over to her, seeing the folder. "Hey, what's that?"

Sheik picks up the folder. She says, "I was looking over these and deciding what we'd need for the next meeting."

"Refreshments?" inquires Agitha. The lack of refreshments seems to be a common problem, and perhaps it would be smart to plan to bring appropriate amounts of certain snacks. Sheik giggles before saying, "Yes, but I was referring to the extra bodies we will have to accommodate for. Tetra, Toon Link, Skull Kid, they will all be join us for our next meeting."

Agitha puts two in two together. "That means more tables!"

Sheik sighs at the thought of the obvious. "We'll need another chair for the Hyrule Warriors table, another chair for the reoccurring table, and several more tables with chairs. Wind Waker, Majora's Mask, Link's Awakening; where are we supposed to find the funding for all of this? Rupees don't grow on trees, you know."

Wait a minute… Agitha has earned hundreds of rupees from smashing pots she finds on the battlefield, so shouldn't everyone's money combined be more than enough to pay for more tables, not to mention refreshments? That, and: "Would it be easier to just buy extra chairs and rename tables so more than just one group of people can sit there?"

She has a point. Skull Kid isn't very big; surely Darunia and Ruto could scoot and make room for him. If all else fails, Ganondorf doesn't need to sit. Sheik looks at Agitha and says, "That's actually… not a bad idea."

Agitha gives a few tiny claps. "I'm glad I could help. Hey, why don't you join us for this meeting, Sheik? I'm sure Zelda would love to see you!"

That's… not going to be possible. "I'm sorry, but I'm a very busy Sheikah. I could only stay for a little bit." Agitha lets her head drop in disappointment before giving Sheik a fond 'see you later' and returning to her seat in the other room.

_In the meeting room_

"There. Disabled the fire alarms," confirms Wizzro, tossing the last of the broken fire alarms over his shoulder. As promised, Zant hands the wizard a long, metal fork for roasting. Volga proudly sets the flammable pile of random junk on the Twilight Princess table ablaze. Ganondorf was able to tell everyone who brought something to burn whether it was flammable or not (you wouldn't believe how many objects Darunia brought to the pile that weren't actually flammable), and Fi went to the supermarket down the block for some chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers. Inconveniently, the cashier was suspicious and asked to see Fi's ID card, so Ghirahim had to haul his carcass over to the supermarket and convince the cashier that they didn't need to see any ID cards.

Ruto and Midna have Impa tied up in the corner of the room; otherwise all of this wouldn't be happening. Agitha comes back. "AHH! What is this?!" Everyone is still. Link holds out a marshmallow and mutters, "S'mores?" Agitha instantly doesn't care that there is a fire in the building.

Everyone has had at least one sweet treat before Zelda comes in. Like an anime character, her facial expression is simply wide eyes with an open jaw upon entering the room from the stage. Lana is the first to see her. "Hey! Come have a s'more."

"Um, no! There is a fire in the building! Why haven't the fire alarms gone off yet?!" screams the princess. Ruto gladly points fingers. Zelda goes, "Wizzro?! What the freak, why?!"

"Why wouldn't I?" he rhetorically asks with a chuckle. He has marshmallow and graham cracker stuck in his teeth.

With a s'more in his hand, Ganondorf calmly states, "We aren't hurting anybody, so it must be ok."

Zelda commands, "Link, put out that fire this instant!"

Ruto takes offense. "What am I? Chopped liver?" With a wave of her arm, the fire is instantly quenched with a wave of icy water. Lana and Cia, who are on the opposite side of the table as Ruto, are completely drenched.

With the fire out, it is time for interrogation. "Whose idea was that?!" bellows Zelda. Fingers are pointed all over the place. Darunia points to two different people simultaneously. Midna points fingers at Impa. It seems that only Volga and Fi aren't pointing fingers, because Volga knows that is rude and Fi doesn't have any fingers.

Zelda is utterly disappointed in everyone, especially Link and Lana. They should know better than that. She looks at the charred table cloth and pile of ashes. With an upset groan, she says, "Aw, I had those nametags especially made."

"We burned all of the nametags," utters Zant. Ganondorf would hit the back of the Twili's head, but it wouldn't do any good because of the helmet. Zelda has to comb her fingers through her hair so she doesn't end up strangling anybody. Everyone takes the hint and returns to their proper places, assuming they remember which spot was theirs. There are no nametags to mark their places anymore.

The room is silent as Zelda finds what remaining sanity she has left.

Finally, the princess clears her throat and says, "Perhaps now we can get this meeting started." She takes another breather through the nose, but she can unfortunately only smell burnt table cloth. This only causes her great distress.

Link steps up. "Princess, would you like me to take over?" he cautiously asks. The last time he asked if he should take over was misinterpreted, and nothing good came from that. However, this time is different, and Zelda allows Proxi to lead her to her seat.

Link takes Zelda's note papers and goes for it. He announces, "As you all have experienced, we've got new misadventures involving our new warriors. They have all, in theory, been very pleasant to work with." More than one warrior strongly disagrees with that statement.

The hero continues, "We can look forward to sharing those tales with everyone who wants to hear them." That's when Link receives a literal chorus of 'no's throughout the room. The room is universally devoid of proud/happy/normal memories involving a certain 35-year-old man. He is the "he who shall not be named" of the warriors.

It is decided amongst Link that he should skip to the Q&amp;A before someone starts a rebellion. "OK, moving on. Everything else Zelda has in her notes is stuff we already know, so cue the Malo Mart music, because it's time for questions!"

Midna's face hits the table. She mumbles into the charred tablecloth, "I hate that store." There is only one "no" that echoes through the room in response to Q&amp;A, which is a relatively good sign.

Zelda knows there are questions for Link, so she takes over from there. She has sufficiently calmed down at the thought of Malo's Mart. Let the questions begin!

"Ok," Zelda begins, looking over her papers. "I will mostly be quoting these questions word-for-word, so I apologize if I stop to try and make sense of a sentence." She doesn't mean that in a bad way; her grammar is nothing close to spectacular, so she can't nitpick others.

"Our first couple of questions comes from TwilightPrince101, who asks 'something about the Great Fairy and why she is 'Link's Weapon'?'. I assume that makes sense to you, Link."

Link nods and explains, "When I said she could help in battle, I didn't think she would turn the tables completely. It wasn't part of the agreement to trap me in a bottle. That day she just took over, and the rest is history." Impa chimes in the following: "Her size and magic give her allies the upper hand in battle."

Zelda assumes that is all for that question. "And they also ask 'What's it like for Regular and Twili Midna to be on the battlefield at once, and also regular and young Link?'. That would be a question for Midna and Link."

Zant stands with the announcement, "I can answer that one."

"WELL NOBODY ASKED YOU, SO SIT DOWN!" screams a demonic Midna. Darunia is about to die of laughter. Zant does as told, seemingly unaffected. He is actually scarred for life, but nobody will ever know.

Like Agitha on a fine spring day, Midna has a look of innocence. She replies, "It's all weird paradox space stuff. When I find myself on the battlefield, it's often because we had the same idea and end up at the same place."

She is cut off when Link takes it from there by saying, "It's always a lingering thought in the back of my mind that the fabric of space and time will be torn. But nothing ever seems to happen, so I guess everything is ok."

Zelda smiles at her papers. "Anonymous asks 'Hey Link, how come you're the only Hero incarnation wearing a scarf?'"

Before Link can answer, Wizzro utters to nobody in particular, "I would like to know who this 'Anonymous' is, because they seem to write and say a lot of things." Volga can't help but grin whilst making a mental note to explain to Wizzro what anonymous means. So much will become clear later.

Now Link has the opportunity to answer. His chance is stolen when Impa says, "All of our soldiers are given scarves as an identification tool, especially in the winter where bright colors are easier to see. Link wears it to show his pride for his kingdom."

With that answered, Zelda moves on. She states, "The next… one, two, three… nine questions are from ultimateCCC. I hope I pronounced that right." For clarification, Zelda pronounced that as "ultimate-cuh-cuh-cuh" with hard c's. Link is pretty sure each C is pronounced as "see", but he's not going to correct Zelda. Link apologizes that Zelda doesn't use common sense, ultimateCCC.

"They ask 'Can each of the girls explain why they have a thing for Link?' Oh boy," and Zelda follows up by thinking about how to answer that question. Link is already blushing.

"Oh, that's an easy one," declares Lana. "He's Link, the guy who has single-handedly saved an entire kingdom! More than once! That's more than can be said about Volga." Volga takes a breath to say something… but what is there to say about that? Wizzro thought it was funny, though.

Cia chuckles. "That's not all, Lana. Link is a special specimen. The strong, silent type, if you will."

"Volga. You just described Volga," Lana bluntly states. But Cia continues, "Can you not see into his crystal blue eyes like clear water, Lana? The story surrounding Link is brimming with mystery and whimsy. The story of Hylia, Demise, and the hero is a deeply tragic and romantic one. Long have I wanted to insert myself into that story; his story. I want to make things right."

Lana understands what Cia is speaking of, but that is to be expected. A couple other warriors also understand what Cia speaks of. Ghirahim was interested in Cia's speech the moment Demise was mentioned.

It is Midna's turn to answer the question at hand. She nods to Cia, claiming, "You're not the only one who can see through his eyes." She has to look off the side, unable to make eye contact with anyone. "It's… weird, looking at Link and thinking 'is this really the same hero who helped rescue my kingdom from evil; the same wolf I once took bumpy rides on; the same man whom I followed so far in the shadows?' You think to yourself 'it can't be', but… he has the same eyes."

"It's confirmed! Midna is a stalker!" and Wizzro effectively ruins the moment yet again. And a good thing, too, since the same Link Midna speaks of is also the Link that ruined Zant's scheme to be king. Zant hates that Link. The current Link did nothing wrong, but that _other_ Link.

Volga thought that was rude of Wizzro, so he takes the liberty to bonk him on the head. Midna is avenged.

Agitha has a simple answer. "He's just cute," she giggles. "He's cute and he catches bugs for me." That's all there is to it. Just wait until she meets Young Link.

"I'm just going to say that I don't have a 'thing' for Link. I think that appropriately answers the question," Impa frankly replies. Being nosy, Midna asks who she does have a thing for, to which her response is "Th-that's irrelevant."

Ruto thinks about ruffling Link's hair as she says, "When I was little, the Link from my era was a stubborn brat determined to get me out of Jabu-Jabu. He was so stubborn, and so willing to do anything that eventually it hit me; I could live with a guy like him my entire life. So I gave him the Zora's Sapphire, which was my promise to one day marry him." Then she frowns. "He still has yet to fulfill that promise! Sure, he lost his childhood, so what? A promise is still a promise."

This is news to Link. "UH…" he nervously defends. "That is between you and an old me." Ruto rolls her eyes and replies, "I know that, stupid."

When everyone looks to Fi for a reply, she reminds everyone that she does not possess the capability to love. Those who continued to look in her direction caught a glimpse of her flushed smile.

"Well," Proxi chimes in, "That was surely enough time for you to formulate an answer, Zelda." Zelda meets Link's eyes out of the corner of her eye. All she can whisper is, "I don't know." Truth be told, he just makes her happy for no rhyme or reason.

Ghirahim starts to say why he 'has a thing' for Link, but everyone frantically tries to stop him. He laughs, "I wasn't going to finish anyways. That was just my way of amusing everybody who seems to think I'm a woman."

"Maybe if you changed how you look," Ganondorf hisses, "you wouldn't have that problem."

On the verge of stereotypes, which can be dreadfully dangerous, Zelda stops everyone there. After all, there are still eight more questions from the same person, and then more. "The next question is," Zelda has to look at that again. "And I quote 'Why does Ganondorf has awesome long hair?' I assume that was a typo; _have_ long hair." Zelda's worst grammatical error was using the wrong tense, but we don't talk about that misunderstanding.

Ganondorf thinks that's a strange one, but he'll answer it anyways. "UM… just personal preference? Hair grows over time… and I haven't had it cut in a while, so… there. What do you want, a man bun?" This generates a few laughs.

"Does this sound familiar, 'maybe if you changed how you look, you wouldn't have that problem.'?" Ghirahim mocks. Ganondorf chooses to ignore this, but only for now.

Even Zelda is giggling. But it is back to business. "Ok then. The next question asks to see Epona to say 'hi'. Well, no, because we're inside-,"

This doesn't stop Link. With a simple tune from his ocarina, Epona gallops her way into the building. The room instantly smells like horse, and Wizzro might be struggling from PTSD, but who can tell. Link gently strokes Epona's snout. He smiles and says "Epona says 'hi' back."

Ganondorf decides to pick on Zelda by saying, "What do you have against horses?" Zelda scowls and defends herself with, "I like horses; they just belong outside. With that being said, Link." Epona, disappointed, trots out of the room. She will eagerly await her master just outside, though. Oh, and Wizzro is fine now.

Moving on, Zelda is slightly disturbed by the next question, but kind of expected this. "Ok, 'Cia, is it true that you 'play with yourself' when you think about Link?'."

Cia is aghast. "Why are _you_ asking that?!" "I-it's not me asking!" Zelda claims defensively. And the tension subsides. Cia smiles mischievously before replying, "Well, I probably shouldn't say."

Wizzro hits low territory, chuckling all the way. "Nah, but she plays with me." He just earned himself a slap from Cia and a bonk in the head from Volga, but it was worth it. Volga is very sorry anyone had to hear that.

Link pleas for Zelda to move on before anything else is said on the matter, and Zelda is happy to oblige. She edits this next question; "'Impa, how are you able to weld those bad-A swords?' Considering what was just implied by the 'wonderful' Wizzro, you'd have to sue me if I quoted uncensored what was asked. But Impa understands."

"Weld them?" Impa asks. She answers, "Like anyone else welds a piece of metal weaponry; a searing fire and no fear." She pauses, but then adds, "However, if you meant how I _wield_ my Giant's Blade, it took me many years to be able to lift its weight, let alone swing it around effectively. I've trained myself to use its weight to my advantage, lifting me off the ground and so forth."

And moving on, "'Agitha, do you want Link as a brother'?" Zelda reads. Agitha's reply is simply, "I can't imagine who wouldn't!" There is a pause. This is interrupted by Agitha asking, "Am I supposed to justify that?" Zelda shrugs. It was a yes or no question.

Three questions left. Not in total, but of this group. "Hey, Darunia, this one is for you," calls Zelda, and the Goron chief is all ears. "'Will you always welcome Link as a part of your Tribe? What's the story of the Megaton Hammer?'"

Darunia nods. "Those are very good questions. The Goron way is once a brother, always a brother. Unless, of course, you murder one of us, or something," he replies. Link takes a note not to mess with the Gorons. Darunia continues. "And do you want the history behind the hammer itself or just _my_ history with it?"

"It doesn't say," confirms Zelda.

Darunia concocts an answer. He smiles before saying, "Well, it weighs a megaton. Not a literal megaton, but it does weigh a lot. With the right amount of force, you could knock a mountain down with it. Ever since Link handed it off to me for safe keeping, I've wielded it proudly as a symbol of Goron might. After all, it did slay Volvagia twice. That's raw Goron right there."

"Wait, who?" Volga inquires.

"Ooo! And it works great for tenderizing huge cuts of meat. That's about the bulk of it." He sits back with a nod. Zelda asks if he's done, and Darunia says he's done. "Next, for Ruto," Zelda announces. "'What gave you the reason of falling in love with Link? Have you ever considered inducting Link as a part of the Zoras?'"

Ruto is suddenly feeling a little salty. She answers as politely as she can muster, "It's not hard to fall in love with a good-looking guy inside of a fish's belly. Just the situation gave me the reason… and Jabu-Jabu. As for inducting Link as a Zora, first you kind of have to be a Zora, and apparently he's already a brother, so whatever." Darunia stops reclining in his chair. He sits up straight and looks at Ruto with a tilt of his head, his eyes giving the impression 'and what's wrong with brothers?'

One step closer. Zelda sighs before reading, "'Midna, do you want Link to be your King because you love him no matter how much you denied it? What's the reason of creating the Twili wolves and did you named them?'" Zelda needs a nap; she's not even correcting grammar errors anymore.

"Well," Midna mutters a reply. "I'm going to deny feelings of love again, but I won't deny that I care enough to want Link to be free of the Twilight. The Twilight is our fate; a punishment." She looks at Zant. "Isn't that right?" Zant avoids eye contact with everybody. He's still in denial. Back to seriousness, Midna says, "No Link from any time deserves to be locked in eternal dusk and dawn."

Darunia leans to Ruto. "This got a little too real for me." Ruto is amused. Agitha cries, "That's terrible! I'm so sorry for you guys."

Midna gives a rueful smile to the bug princess and says, "It's alright, though. The blinding sun isn't all it's cracked up to be. Why do you think Zant wears that helmet all the time?"

Wisecracker Wizzro interjects, "I thought he wore that ugly thing so he didn't have to look at you."

Zant's fists hit the table, and he stands up. He shouts, "I'm going to kill you!" Wizzro only chuckles and retorts, "Too late for that; I'm already dead."

Zelda is going to kill someone if the following fight that occurs doesn't end in the next thirty seconds. Volga and Impa move the Twilight Princess table far, far away from the Hyrule Warriors table, but that doesn't stop Midna and Zant from tackling the wizard.

The princess of Hyrule is surprised when the problem seems to resolve itself. In a panic, Darunia picked Zant off his feet and planted his head firmly in the ground. Similarly, the pole Impa picked up makes contact with Midna's head, and she tumbles down. Wizzro enjoyed that moment until Cia shut him up for now by trapping him in ring form. It ends up being Cia who apologizes for Wizzro's behavior this time, much to Volga's surprise.

The room is quiet as those out of their seat make their way back. That's one less warrior in physical form they have to worry about. Then Lana stands. Turning to Zelda, she asks, "Would it help if I took over from here?" With a smile, Zelda steps off the stage and sits down, handing Lana the question sheet. As bouncy as ever, Lana hops onto the stage.

Impa suggests they take a break from questions, and Ganondorf verbally agrees. Luckily for them, Lana also has the poll results in hand. She declares that out of chapters 11-19, chapter 14 was the favorite. Then she remembers what that one was about. "Oh no! That was the one where I was sick! Why did everyone like that one?!"

"Well," Agitha utters. "It was pretty funny." She giggles whilst reminiscing about every phenomenon that occurred then. It was a time of great confusion, but it made for a great tale none of them will forget.

"My suffering is funny?!" cries a distressed Lana. Agitha defends, "I never said that. Just everything surrounding it was funny."

Ganondorf hisses, "We don't talk about what happened." Lana follows up by announcing that chapter 16 was the second favorite and that chapters 13 and 17 were tied for third favorite.

"Huh. I wonder what the peoples' favorite was over all," Ghirahim ponders aloud. Fi overhears this, despite Ghirahim saying this under his breath, and makes it her mission to figure that out.

Lana goes back to the questions. "Oh, Midna," she exclaims. "You never answered the rest of the last question."

"About the Twilight wolves and if I named them? Of course I named them. The wolves I use in battle are my personal pets. Shade does tricks. And I guess in terms of creating them, I don't create them; they live in the Twilight Realm, notably the forests of the Twilight." Midna needs some water, as her throat is parched, probably from giving out a large battle cry before attacking Wizzro.

With a nod of understanding, Lana flips the page. Time for a new set of questions. "These are from Sheikah Fanatic. Impa, is there someone in your tribe named Fanatic?" Lana inquires. Impa shakes her head with an amused smile. Then Lana understands the name. "Oh, ok. Gotcha. A fan of the sheikahs. Never mind. I'm an idiot."

Link is the new wisecracker. "If you're an idiot, what does that make Cia?" he asks rhetorically. Cia gives a reply herself: "Uh, a good-looking genius, that's what."

"Hey Ghirahim, 'how do you keep your hair as fabulous as ever'? I'd like to know this, too," Lana asks for both herself and Sheikah Fanatic.

Putting on an imaginary pair of cool shades, Ghirahim responds, "I'm so glad you asked." He puts his feet up on the table, reclining in is chair. "Most of it is the demon lord genetics that make me superior to begin with, however, the rest of it is all me. After every battle I thoroughly wash all the impurities out of my hair, which range anywhere from dirt to the blood of my victims. Never leave blood in your hair long enough to dry; it acts as a natural brown dye and takes forever and a day to get out. I use only the finest products the black market has to offer to keep these locks glossy. And Lana, to prevent tangles you need to comb your hair while it's wet. That prevents breakage, which I hear you have a problem with." Lana is furiously taking notes. So is Midna.

Once she is done taking notes, Lana returns to the questions. She isn't sure if she likes this next one or not. "Next question is 'Cia, if link and you ever get married,'" She is cut off when Cia says to nobody in particular "I like this person already." Lana finishes the question, "'And had a baby girl or boy what will you name it?'"

Cia hums, lost in thought. Link doesn't like how long it is taking for Cia to answer this question. Cia returns from her fantasy land to answer the question. "Assuming Link has no say in the matter, we'd have a son named Link Jr. But of course, that's the only name I can think of off the top of my head that sounds appealing. Perhaps if that dream were to become reality I'd consult the baby name books."

"And," Agitha chimes in. "What if it was a girl?"

"Oh, I don't know. Genevieve is a pretty name," Cia absentmindedly replies.

"How about William? That's a good, strong name," Darunia suggests. Ruto shakes her head. "That would be absurd for a young lady. Link's daughter should be named Spring." "That sounds like a fairy name," Midna critiques, to which Proxi isn't happy.

Lana calms the masses. "Cia answered the question, guys, and Link looks uncomfortable." The room is quiet in anticipation again. "Ok," continues a cheery Lana. "Next is for Impa. They ask 'Impa do you like Zelda? Cuz both of y'all interacted quite closely together during the war, and it also looks like both of y'all have a very close relationship.'."

Impa nods before explaining, "I have known Princess Zelda since she was young. It has been my sworn duty to look out for her safety and well-being. My relationship with her is strong, and I hope she feels the same."

Zelda smiles. "In Lana's words, we're girlfriends for life. And yes, Impa, I think our relationship is very strong as well." That just made Impa's day. However, Zant interpreted that question differently. He… doesn't have words for that.

Lana gets excited over the next question. "Hey Zelda, good news! There is a question for you! It's 'Zelda have you ever shipped anyone together? And if you did, who's your otp.'"

Zelda laughs, finally enjoying herself again. She replies, "Well, I can safely say that I don't usually think about shipping my friends."

This leaves a few of the warriors in question. Finally, Ganondorf speaks up: "What about those of us who… aren't your friends?" To this Zelda gives a naughty smile. Everyone is worried now.

This took a strange direction, and Lana is ready to get back on the right path now. But it was fun while it lasted. She giggles at the thought of her introduction of this question. "Agitha, the people are dying to know, 'what's your favorite bug?'."

Agitha's brain starts to melt. She stutters, "I-I- How could I choose? They are so very wonderful! Please don't make me choose!" Lana calms her down and explains that she doesn't have to pick just one. "Oh!" Agitha exclaims, feeling better now. "Ants are such hard-workers. I wish I was as motivated as them. And bees are great too because even though they get mad and sting you, they make flowers healthy. Praying Mantises would scare me if they were any bigger, but they understand passionate love better than Ghirahim, and that's really saying something. Butterflies are the prettiest! Poor moths wish they were butterflies, but I like moths just the way they are!" Ganondorf tells her to shut up, and that's all Agitha has to say on the matter.

Lana would let Agitha continue, but Ganondorf has a point; this meeting is running a little long. They did have the s'mores incident, and then Zant's outburst. But anyways, Lana reads, "'Link what do you think of your scarf?'"

"It's very blue," Link says with a smile, looking down at his scarf. Ganondorf gives Link a wide-eyed grin while tilting his head. "Well no duh!" Midna and Darunia think this is pretty funny and start laughing aloud. Fi shakes her head and says very monotone "I could have told you that."

Proxi whispers into Link's ear, "I think they wanted your opinion on it. Do you like it, or what?" Link nods, which is his way of simply saying that he likes it. Considering it is his symbol of Hyrule pride, he very much likes his scarf.

"'Darunia what types of rock do you like?'," Lana continues to read off questions without anyone paying attention. However, Darunia heard his name and focused on Lana for the question. When Midna's laughter dies down, he replies excitedly, "The gourmet ones!" Midna starts laughing again.

Zant is sick of these stupid responses. "Let me personally elaborate on that," he breathily says just barely loud enough for Darunia to hear. "There are different types of rocks; which kinds are considered gourmet?"

"Easy," Darunia responds. "Igneous rocks have a very smoky flavor, which my brothers and I covet. However, metamorphic rocks also have a distinct flavor that makes my mouth water if nothing else. I will say that granite has a strange aftertaste, so I don't indulge in granite very often." That answer required a little more thought, so Zant is satisfied.

Lana thinks this next question is thought provoking. "'Ruto if you had link by your side for one day what will you do?'"

"Wait, as in Link is _stuck_ to my side?" Ruto flinches at the thought. "Gees, give me some space, dude." Lana elaborates. Ruto answers properly this time; "With Link as a body guard, I could get a little risky. You know, I've always wanted to go to a club. I wouldn't have to worry about thugs if Link was loyally at my side! Hey, that's an idea. How much could I pay you to be my body guard for a day, Link?" Fi concludes that that isn't a bad idea.

Ok, final question from Sheikah Fanatic. Lana reads, "'Midna, do you like butterflies?'"

"Meh. They're ok," Midna mutters with a shrug. That was a little lackluster, but whatever.

Lana spends at least three minutes trying to pronounce this. She ends giving up and decides to pronounce it however her eyes read it, right or not. She says, "These next two questions come from GothamPowerKaiju. First, for Ganondorf; 'why do you put up with Ghirahim and Zant as henchmen?'" Ganondorf puts his hand on his face and slowly lets it slide down. That is really complicated.

"Wait," Zant interrupts. "What do you mean 'put up with'?" "We're not _that_ bad," Ghirahim adds, crossing his arms.

Zelda tries to cover up; "You guys are… unique. It takes a special type of person to…" She can't find the right words. Midna exclaims, "Stay sane around you guys. That's what Zelda is trying to say." Nice Midna, real tactful.

Ganondorf sighs and says, "I guess to answer the question, I put up with their shenanigans because, believe it or not, they have potential. With great power come great successes, great failures, and ultimately abnormal adventures." He pauses, giving a shrug. "I had to practice patience with them for a long time. And I don't regret refraining from strangling them when they pull through. They often do; otherwise they wouldn't still be here." Neither Ghirahim nor Zant know whether to take all of that as a complement or an insult. They stay quiet.

Lana is already giggling at the next question. "Oh no…" she chuckles to herself. The suspense is too much, so Fi says, "We cannot read your mind, Lana."

The sorceress calms herself in order to speak with a straight face. She starts, "Midna, this is for you. 'Seeing how it doesn't look like you'll be in your true form for quite some time-'" That's when Midna interrupts with "Don't get me started." Lana continues, "'Has the idea of seeing other imps occurred to you?'" She is interrupted once again, this time by her own laughter. Some of the warriors get a feeling that there is more to that question.

"Other imps?" questions Midna. "Why am I limited to imps in this form?"

"I'm not done reading," Lana adds. "They say 'I hear Skull Kid is still single.'" With this, Midna is left speechless. Like Lana suspected, she isn't the only one who thinks this is funny.

Cia thinks the situation is humorous, but not enough to laugh. It's more ironic than anything. She looks at Midna and mentions, "He's a little young for you, isn't he?" Midna nods to Cia; someone understands.

Midna is not amused. "I understand that if you Google search 'legend of zelda imps' that me and Skull Kid are the first two to come up, but that does not mean a relationship would work between us." Her cheeks start to turn a rosy pink at the thought of her being in a relationship with anybody. Some of these guys are just 'no', but that is not to say that there are no men out there that appeal to Midna.

Upon looking over the last set of questions, Lana realizes that there were no questions for her. Zelda won't admit it, but her subconscious did that on purpose. Lana sighs in disappointment before perking up and saying, "Our final set of questions comes from killerpokeball97. I would like to speak for all of us warriors when I say thanks to everyone who submitted questions."

"You're not speaking for me!"

"Anyways," Lana ignores the hater in the room. "First question is for Link- oh no! UM… 'Link, if you were gay, who'd you be in love with?" This one catches everyone off-guard. Cia defends that Link is most certainly straight, but Link answers the question confidently anyways. He says, "My type of guy is definitely Ganondorf."

Ganondorf gets up and leaves the room, never to look at Link again. Zelda isn't sure she can look at Link again, either.

To hopefully remedy the shock in the room, Lana continues with the next question… Oh wait… she can't because this next question is for Ganondorf, and he just left. Perhaps he'll come back later. Lana skips to the third question; "' Volga, what's it like being a dragon who can turn into a human?' There we go, that's not a relationship-breaking question."

With his impeccable self- control, Volga sits up straight in his chair and doesn't morph into a dragon about half the size of the room. He calmly replies, "It's an empowering experience, whether morphing from a human to a dragon or vice versus. As a human, I can relate to my opponents and allies. Yet, I never feel below them, as I can transform into a mighty beast as I wish. I understand so much, but there is much I have yet to learn." That was an enlightening answer.

Next, Lana reads word-for-word, "'Ghirahim, Why are you so Fabulous?" No editing needed.

Ghirahim swooshes his hair, smugly smiling all the way. "Truly, it's a mystery, even to me," he answers 'humbly'. Zant wishes he was as fabulous as his compadre.

Moving from one sword spirit to the other, Lana asks for the inquirer, "'Fi, since you're like a super computer, can you tell me the answer to this? This. Statement. Is. False.' Their words, not mine." A solid twenty seconds go by before Fi starts to drool. Sparks start to fly off of her, and Ghirahim moves his cape so it doesn't catch a spark and sets ablaze. Link starts to clap; "Congratulations, you successfully broke Fi."

"Isn't it obvious, the statement is true," Midna confirms. Darunia raises an eyebrow and corrects, "But it says it's false, so it can't be true." Shortly after, both warriors start to drool with befuddlement. Agitha thinks that's gross, so she asks Lana to ask another question.

Lana complies with Agitha's request. "Oh, Cia, this next one is for Wizzro. Could you maybe…?" She implies that Cia give Wizzro is physical form back. Much to everyone's disappointment, Cia complies. Before Wizzro can angrily scold Cia for turning him into a ring, Lana says at the top of her lungs, "This next question is for you, Wizzro!"

After sighing off his hatred, Wizzro gestures for Lana to ask the question. Lana does this; "'Wizzro, because you are made up of souls, do you suffer from schizophrenia?'" Much to Cia and Volga's surprise, Wizzro replies, "Meh, I actually do suffer symptoms of schizophrenia, such as voices in my head. This one guy up there scolds me when I do something he deems 'wrong', but he's an idiot. And I lack a conscious. That's a schizophrenia thing, right?"

Several warriors look at the ceiling in thought. Agitha slowly shakes her head, thinking that a lack of a conscious should not relate to schizophrenia. Volga speaks up, "Wizzro, I think that voice in your head _is _your conscious." The wizard would scream a rebuttal, but… wait, which one of Volga's two heads just said that? Also, the walls are growing grass. A jungle is consuming this room so fast!

Nobody knows why Wizzro is frantically looking around the room. Cia thinks she knows, though. She calmly turns to Lana and says, "We'll just take Wizzro's word for it. Perhaps now would be a good time to continue." Lana nods. Oh, and Ganondorf decided to come back into the room.

"'Zant,'" Lana reads the next question off her sheet. "'Can you tell me where you got your helmet? Because it looks awesome.'" Zant is flattered. He says, "Well, actually, it was a gift from my mother, so I don't know where it came from. Maybe Twilight Target?" That answer was so anticlimactic that Midna is disappointed.

Last individual warrior question. "Ganondorf, I'm glad you decided to come back," Lana finally notices Ganondorf's presence. She asks "'Ganondorf, your 8-Bit weapons are boss keys. Does this mean you're friends with Master Xehanort from Kingdom Hearts?'"

Ganondorf angrily slaps his palm against the wall. "I am most certainly _not_ affiliated with anything Disney!" The competitive spirit in all of the warriors is sparked. They have nothing against Walt himself, just the many fictional universes the man inspired. Those worlds rival their own, but obviously their world is superior!

The agitation in the room dies down to an eerie silence. Randomly Fi goes, "I like Disney." Slowly all gazes are fixed on Fi. A monotone "Oops" emits from Fi.

Lana is about to cry over the final question. No, her feelings aren't hurt or anything, it's just the last question. With a sorrowful acceptance, Lana reads the last question. "'Last one for the whole cast. How do each of you feel knowing that Marin from Links Awakening is going to join you?'"

Darunia hops up with excitement. Ruto grabs the table before it falls over. Darunia ecstatically asks, "Really? Marin? For real?!"

Zelda courteously covers her mouth while he giggles. She nods and replies, "Yes, Darunia. I was hoping you all would get to meet Marin as a surprise, but I suppose you all have something to look forward to now."

"Wow, Link, one of your ancestor's dream friends! Isn't that exciting?" exclaims Proxi. Link agrees.

Most of the warriors are indifferent, as none of them have ever heard of Marin. Darunia and Ruto obviously have, as Ruto is letting Darunia spin her around in dance. Fi believes she is feeling joy. Ghirahim immediately thinks of Malon. The poor girl would get crushed on the battlefield. Sure she can defend her farm from aliens, but how could she defend it from Ganondorf? Zant, Agitha, and Midna all exchange glances amongst their table. Simultaneously they give Zelda a shrug.

Cia admits, "That's nice, but I would have rather heard news of Vaati joining us." Ganondorf agrees.

Zelda checks the time. She jumps to her feet with horror. "Oh no! We should have been done ages ago! The fee for this room is going to be over our budget!" She and Link usher everyone out of the room. Link tries to leave, but Zelda stops him. They frantically start cleaning the tables.

Ganondorf storms his way back into the room. "Princess, I have two things. First, Lana begged me to thank everyone for submitting questions. I'm just the messenger, there. Secondly, and what _I _wanted to say, I propose we quit these ridiculous meetings. You are basically using your army funding to waste our time hosting these meetings."

Zelda looks at Ganondorf while folding a table cloth. She shakes her head, "No, Ganondorf. These meetings are important. They let the people know what they want to know. Without these meetings, we wouldn't be able to do Q&amp;A, which I'm sure everyone thought was amazing."

Ganondorf shakes his head. He conjures a brilliant plan to get his way. "Tell you what, Zelda. Have these people you love so much decide whether or not meetings are necessary. If your precious people don't want meetings, then we won't have them anymore."

Disheartened, Zelda agrees to Ganondorf's terms. "Very well then," She submits. "We shall let the honest opinions of the people decide our future."

Author's Notes- Aaand done! There you have it, the final chapter of the original Warriors Uncut. I hope it was as spectacular to read as it was to write. There was no intentions to offend anywhere in this chapter, and I apologize if anything was offensive. I know there was a lot of dialogue in comparison to action, but dialogue is my favorite way to develop characters. Seriously, thanks to everyone who submitted questions. I had so much fun developing answers for all of them. I found myself researching things for some of them. About Disney, I have grown up watching Disney movies, so I personally have nothing against Disney. This will sound shocking, but I have never played a Kingdom Hearts game, ever.  
A few more things before I call this fanfic complete. Yes, I have Warriors Uncut Volume 2 in the making. All of the characters who came with Hyrule Warriors Legends make an appearance, Medli and Marin included. Yay! Fi is seriously putting up a poll to determine the favorite of these 30 chapters, just in case anyone wants to share their opinion. Fi would appreciate it. Speaking of appreciation, Ganondorf and Zelda would appreciate everyone's honest opinion about the warrior meetings. How often should Zelda schedule these meetings? Should they even have meetings? I am looking forward to the future of these warriors. (waving) Thank you all, and good night.


End file.
